It’s now 23:13 and i still couldn’t close my eyes. Geez what is this, my mind was all mixed since yesterday. I texted him once yesterday at the dawn, i even dreamt that he would reply my message at least he said like this “bcs i want, lol” that simple. But the fact that it was just a dream, i didn’t even receive a character as his reply for my message. Well, i pity myself for this. It’s exactly a week after he mad at me, Kim Taehyung. I used to call him taetae in the past, but now he turns himself as Zelo, after i recognized that it was him. I didn’t notice at all that it was him before he blocked me.  Now I’m listening to the song that we are used to listen back then, BTS Kick Blanket. The song is so delightful, even made me fly when i received the link from him couple months ago. Only you........

Park Chorong is the name, people called me mama, even ahjumma, heol. But those people who are used to call me ahjumma are actually people who are closed enough to me, you know? Stated that the more you get bullied, the more they love you.  I was born on November 2015. At that time, i met Jhope, which i used to call him derpey. He said that he was my fan, he also knows me so well, and we usually stayed up until almost down talking this and that. Then i realized that I love him. Everything is so good when it comes to him, i always put really high intention towards him, and I started to stalk him, his conversation with the other, and boom! I became jhope biased until now. It is all started when he played ToD with his fellow friends, Jennie and Bobby. When he is asked who is his crush, he mentioned my name, and mentioned me as well said that this friendship is not enough for us. I realized that i even love him more day by day. I never look at the other and just focus on him.  Our interactions too, both in dm and mention tabs are never end. When he was not around, i sent him direct message said that i missed him, and he did the same thing too. He often sent me message to cheer me up, if he thought that i was not as hyper as i used to be. but then there is Krystal. She is close enough with him. At first, it is not only Krystal, but also Wendy, but then Wendy dissapeared and just Krystal left with him. But it is okay, still okay. I have a friend too, her name is Jung Eunji. Eunji is actually jhope biased, she is my best friend, and my sibling as well. One day, she told me that she like someone, do you know who is he? Yes, Jung Hoseok, we like the same person. I actually want to tell her about my crush, but i ended up in swallowed it and it remains untold. I tried to get rid my feelings to him, because i didnt want to hurt Eunji. But yes, i couldn’t. Until Eunji gave up on him and move on to Jonghyun, at that time, i told her that i actually like him. About Jhope and Krystal, he even posted their direct message conversation, i tore up into pieces when i read that, then i took hiatus, although the fact that i still kept an eye on him. Until i saw his conversation which stated that he missed me, i came back, and we became close again. It kept repeated for many times, i took hiatus if he is with Krystal, then back, then hiatus again, just exactly like that. But i don’t know why, i never gave up on him and persisted on my feeling toward him.

In the process of achieving my obsession towards him, there are people who stayed by my side.

Lee Donghae, i called him ahjussi. We were close after i asked him jokingly about to give me holiday ticket to London. And he granted my wish, and then we flew to London, had great times there. We usually stay at direct message instead of mention. He often stays up until late, and me is nocturne as well. He accompanied me when i had my middle term and my final term as well. He is very kind! He always laughed over my lame jokes, cried along with me as well when i was in trouble. But yes, love couldn’t be forced isn’t it? Even though he is kind, he understands me well, he often sleeps late because of me, he always laughed dryly over my lame jokes, but i couldn’t see him as man. I mean, I’m comfortable with him, really comfortable.  He confessed to me that he likes me as woman, and i said i like him as well, but i really didn’t think much at that time. At that time, i was in pain because of hoseok, and he stays by my side, so when he confessed to me, without thinking much i said that i like him too. Sigh. But then, few days after, i ignored him for someone else, someone who is not as kind as him, but he gave me more feelings than just being happy or satisfied. But still, ahjussi was on my side until he found out that i wrote down someone’s name on my bio. He asked who is he, and then i told him that he is my boyfriend. He said thank you for giving him the pain, and he blocked me.

Lee Sungyeol, i called him crowyeol, because his voice is exactly like crow, and he called me rongdolphin because of my ultrasonic scream. Yeol is kind too, he is my nocturne partner as well, we usually talked in mid night, because he never online in afternoon. We often joked about searching a papa for my child’s, my members. And he always volunteered himself to be their papa. But i never took it as serious things, i just took it as jokes. Then Sunggyu, the one who considered me as his guardian fairy, told me that someone was having crush on me. I was wondering who is he, and then he told me that it was yeol. Yeol even joked with her friend about shorty girl, then his friend joked that his girlfriend wannabe is also a shorty. Yeol confessed to me, he said he likes me, but he never asked whether i want to be his girlfriend or no, it is just until that. I know he loves me and that’s all, he didn’t expect anything to me. Now yeol is semi-disappeared, he is busy with his rl things, but he always greets me whenever he is online.

As the intermezzo, i actually confessed to a guy, and he is not hoseok. His name is Min Yoongi or Suga. Suga is actually my son, with Jungkook as his son, my grand-son. I, suga, and jungkook were usually talked like crazy. They made my mention tabs exploded. Then i and Suga ended up in direct message, his favorite emoji is this one : ) i confessed that i love him, as man, not as my son. But then it is rejected, he didn’t say it directly, but fortunately we are still mother and son, whoa i experienced forbidden love between mother and son. But i fell out love with him right after he rejected me, but the weird thing i didn’t feel angry or disappointed at all although he rejected me. Then.....i found out that he is in relationship, with Jungkook, my grand-son. So that’s why he rejected me, he didn’t like girl, but boy.........

 Lastly, is the one who made me write this stupid note. So i think different with the others, this one will be quite long. Let’s start!

I was craving for Taehyung at that time, so i followed many Taehyung accounts to fulfill my fan girling needs. Out of them, there is one who i think the account is quite new, because the following and the follower’s lists were less than 100 at that time, so i thought it was his side account that is why I was in doubt with his seriousness. We were just talked as usual, nothing special. I asked him to give me choco, he was so stingy but the he gave me choco. And he called me choco as well. In the evening, he sent me direct message “noona” – i replied him, he said that there was a thing that he wanted to tell me. He gave me a link, when i opened it; it was BTS’s Kick Blanket. I didn’t know the song at that time, because i still didn’t know BTS to deep. I opened it, listened to it, my body was all stiff, and freeze. He was the first person who confessed to Chorong, so that’s why i was fluttered. I asked for the meaning of it, and he told me to define it by myself. Then i knew that he had feelings to me, but you know....i was into hoseok. I told him that the time was not right, because we just knew each other, and still many times ahead to be closer. I thought he would give up on me, but no. He kept on sending me message, spamming my direct message tabs too. He often asked me the same questions, so i ignored him. He kept on sending me message, until he complained me why am i respond him if it was his 2nd messages. I told him that the signal was bad, which actually not. My mind was “i am ignoring you, you don’t understand?” but he kept on flooding my direct message. But i was not like that always, i still replied him. With him, i found one game that i made by myself. We listened to a song, and then mentioned the song tittle, it was fun. He always curious about this and that, made the conversation alive. He even mad at me too, sulking i mean. It was 30th December, his birthday. I was wondering why he replied me shortly, not like usual. Then i found out in timeline that it was his birthday. To cover up my guilty feeling, i edited some pictures, asked for my friends’ help who was still awake. But his reaction was out of my expectation. He was angry to me, he criticized it. i was upset, felt like my hard work was absolutely nothing, then he said that he didn’t want that kind of things, he just want me to celebrate it with him, and pray on his birthday, nothing much. We even lost contact, i might seems that i didn’t care at all. But the fact that i sometimes stalked his profile than found out a name in his bio, ah.....he is coupled, he is moved on already. But still, it is normal right if we are curious about person who is moved on from us? After a long time, he came back again, said that he missed me. He still couldn’t forget me, and said that his relationship was not really good because his couple is online rarely, he lives in dorm, and just online on week end. He told me many stories that i missed when we were not along. My feeling toward him is in the almost-growing level until i asked his whatsapp, so that we can talk more often leisurely. Whatsapp is the application which started our relationship, and the application that ended our relationship as well. It was right, we moved to whatsapp, i never let go my phone except for charging. We talked a lot there, from the time he went to school, when i was in class, when he was back from school, until we slept, ah any, until he left me sleep first. There, i know that he often wake up at night, wake up at dawn to study, that he is sick easily, packs home-made foods to school, and his school time end as well. I remember that his mother often told him to buy foods because his mother is hungry, that he wants to be the students of Harvard, he learns Japanese, he lost in Olympiads, he got mark less than 3 on Physics test and he was the 2nd best in his class, that he is good at cooking too. He often asked me to tell him what did i know about him, but i never told him these details to keep my pride lol. His weakness is, he is sleepy head, he always left me sulking on the night, but i knew the reason why so we never took it serious. He always asked everything i done, my college, my life expectation, my dreams, my daily life and so on. I even explained him about why China’s companies are good although i didn’t know whether he was understood or not. He asked me what country is best at education, but i didn’t know which one. We also taught Senior High School’s subjects, to keep my brain works. I demanded to learn reproduction chapter of biology but he said that he didn’t like it even though he is byuntae. He demanded to learn Math instead, which i am sick of. Back again to topic, 15 February 2015, we were in relationship. I remember when i took my morning class on Monday, he sent me a picture of me wearing low cut pink sweater which shown my back body view. The previous night, we were debating about kissing. In my afternoon class, i couldn’t concentration at all, my mind kept on thinking the words “lemme taste your lips once” even my friend said that he kept on holding himself not to let me thinking bad of him because of his byutae-ness, and he did it, he never asked me the thing that i don’t like. Now i see myself when i kept on holding my phone, walking under the rain, when i was about to buy foods for lunch, but i didn’t want to missed his replies. I see myself when i kept on checking my phone in Perspective Class. I see myself when i kept on sending him messages and doing my Japanese tasks, when finally we ended up in conversation hiatus for an hour because he said that he was dizzy staring at the phone all day long. I see myself when i ate noodles but kept on whatsapp-ing with him, i see myself when I was shocked because i told him that i went to SMB, and he was there as well, but the he left first with his mother to the another mall. I was shocked yet laughed hardly at that time, i concentrated on some groups who wear senior high school attires while smiling. I see myself when i had an event, when i kept on whatsapp-ing with him from early morning until the event ended, thanks to him i enjoyed the day and being autism because i just focused on my phone. I see myself when he sent me picture of pizza hut’s foods on his birthday. I see myself when he told me that he got late surprise birthday prank.  He taught me many alien words too; ga danta, sokap, bege, and i couldn’t remember the rest.

But yes, everything was ruined at that night, 22 February 2015. Hoseok told me that he loves me. It was the most hectic night for me, i kept all of my friends awake to listen my story. Sigh. I told him the details already, so i didn’t want to re-tell it this time. His friend sent me whatsapp, threw tantrum on me, it was childish. I thought he will leave me after that, but no, he kept on spamming me and said that he didn’t care anymore, he just wanted to be my friend, we even exchanged our personal accounts, and mad promise to treat each other. He will treat me if he passed SNMPTN, and ill treat him if i got a good job. After it, we had conversation hiatus too, then he came back said that he didn’t texted me because he was afraid if i was bored with him since i didn’t reply his last text, and it made me touched. At that time, hoseok was busy, so he was the one who accompanied me, i even told to my friend that i was touched with his words and afraid if i had unexpected feelings again. I joined an agency, and i was stupid that i didn’t realize that he was near, but with zelo’s face. He lied, he told me that he gave his account to his friend, but the fact is he was still around. I often ignored him when hoseok was online, and i let him know the reason. That hoseok was busy, so when he was online, i tried to focused myself on him because i was afraid that he will offline soon, i thought he took it easy, but seems like he had different thought with me. And that night, 18 March 2015 he blocked my whatsapp, he sent me menfess as well. I was so pressured because it was the first time i got hate menfess from someone which i still didn’t know what my faults were. I stalked my own account, read words by words and wondering who did i hurt, which word is hurt, until i remember that the previous night i ever said “i hate you” jokingly to zelo which i didn’t know it was him, taetae. I stalked zelo with my another account, and my mind was all blank, i was shaking, angry, sad, felt like crying as well when i read his words, his tweets about his dearest ex, he even called me b- i hate him. I hate that i didn’t even had chance to explain, to know what exactly happened to us. Why he was that angry to be honest, i didn’t get it. When he asked me do i lonely so i kept on sending him texts, i said no I’m not, while the fact that i am. And he was the one who i kept thinking of. He thought that i was angry because he ignored me? For God sake i was not, i was as usual, being childish, typed briefly to keep my pride, it was a joke, but i didn’t know that it would make him hating me until like that. Then the next day, i was stressed!  So i asked hoseok for a break up, because our relationship made me blocked by 2 people already and Krystal was leaving, nahyun too. The weird thing is, i didn’t even mind it when donghae blocked me, but when he blocked me, i couldn’t take it anymore. I felt that all people hate me, he made people to judge me bad, and i hate him for it.

I hate him, i hate him, and I hate him. But since yesterday i couldn’t get over him, which i even cursed me for this. I said to people even to myself that i love hoseok, that I’m obsessed with him, but the fact that i missed him more than hoseok is disgusting. My friend even said to me why did i keep on thinking someone who cursed me, who talked behind my back, who called me b-, but that’s the fact and i hate that. I even unconsciously sent him message yesterday morning, i sent message to my friend, and now i ended up in writing this stupid notes until it reached almost 3500 words already. DAMN ME. This is the craziest thing I’ve ever done in my life, if you didn’t want to see me anymore, at least you read this, which means i asked for your apologize three times already and it is enough. I won’t bother you anymore, i swear. It is up to you whether you will forgive me or not, i don’t care anymore.

Just-

Can i assume that if you read this, it means that our good bye is good? So i will live peacefully as you do.

And thank you for everything, thank you for never gave up on me before, thank you for always listening to me, thank you for ever came and filled my days, thank you for all of the stupidity, loves, and affection that you gave, and thank you for ever loved me even just for a while.

You always asked me to tell you in details about you, and about your characters, and now i fulfilled it already. If this really means a good bye, then let me say a proper good bye and end this nicely.

IM TIRED HUWAAAAA 2:00 now

Taetae annyeong, now this is fully a goodbye~