"I think ‘Hyde’ is our most representative song," Leo tells the camera.

The VIXX members are nodding along. Almost all of them have the same thoughts going through their minds, except for Ravi. He is awfully engaged in the pattern of his pure white pants. Obviously, whatever Hyuk is saying right now is not as interesting as his pants.  

"I want to become all of them. They are all charming in different ways," the camera doesn’t miss N’s genuinely.

A few more interview questions are thrown at the members. They either laugh, smile, or keeps a poker face appropriately. The whole time, they try to engage with the person behind  the camera or their Starlights, while Ravi stares at the ceiling and the wall.

"I want to become Ravi and steal all of his songs!" Ken declares cheerfully.

Everyone including Ravi bursts out laughing. Then his smile quickly disappears. He goes back to fixing his gaze at his hands.

***

N finds Ravi lying on his bed. When he is about to switch off the light for him, a deep voice stops him, "Hakyeonnie, you want to talk to me?"

A smile automatically springs up on Hakyeon's small lips, "No. I was just going to tell you that the bathroom's free."

Ravi lets out a sigh, "Someone else can use it. I want to sleep." His eyelids clamp shut.

Hakyeon threads his way to Ravi's bedside to examine his tired face. Maybe he really is tired, he thinks. Ravi opens his eyes again and stares back at the leader's worried face, "Are you sure you don't want to talk?"

Hakyeon runs his hand through Ravi's blonde hair, "No," he answers firmly. "I'm fine. What about you? Something's on your mind lately?"

Ravi's eyelids are fluttering shut beneath the soothing touch, "Mmm. I think I'm exhausted from doing activities and composing."

"Ah. I see. I will talk more in the interviews and radios then. Just focus on practicing and song-writing. You can buy me meals with your royalties later."

Ravi can't help but smile at his hyung's playful tone, "Alright. Sorry for not paying attention to the camera lately." They both know that Ravi wasn't all there whenever the camera was rolling. Hakyeon badly misses his VIXX TV mc persona but he keeps the nostalgia to himself, "Just go back to sleep. I'll hog all the airtime for you."

Ravi finally laughs. Hakyeon pats his head once more before walking away from the sleeping Ravi.

***

The crumpled paper hits the soundproof wall and joins its buddies on the floor. Ravi’s two hands clamp down onto the sides of his throbbing head. He can't do it! He simply can't! He's been working on the same track for the past week and it's going  nowhere! In his head, the melody sounds like a perfect VIXX song for their next album. But in reality, the song doesn't sound as smooth as he planned. There's always a single note that rebels like a juvenile. The bridge is all wrong. The rhythm is off. Ravi pauses the song. He needs some peaceful silence. In the quietness, a question gnaws at his mind. This is not so different from all of the previous writer's blocks, what makes this song any more distressing than before?

Ravi mindlessly clicks on his hip-hop folder and finds the track he's also been working on. The pulses of the beat and his hard rapping blast through his eardrums. He nods his head along, allowing himself to be carried away by the harsh flow and the raw emotions that only his own raps can offer. His eyebrows knit in concentration and his lips are lifted upward. What seems like a painful grimace cannot hide his ecstacity. It is true that his rapping skill is not top-notch, but he’s improved so much since pre-debut day, and that’s enough to make his spirit soars. His best part comes up. Ravi can't stop himself from fully grinning now. His intricate composition laces with his own unique style like two lovers’ hands fit together. That was good! He thinks to himself smugly. The last note falls and Ravi is left with himself again. He grabs his phone off the table immediately to text Jaehwan hyung. Hey, hyung! Come and check this out! He stops. Then he presses “delete”, even though Jaehwan is usually the first person whom Ravi seeks whenever he finished a song. Jaehwan is a great vocal whom Ravi appreciates. But when it comes to hip hop and rap, Jaehwan’s musicality isn’t helpful. Why will it be different this time?

Ravi directs his attention back to his work. As good as this track already is, there is always room for improvement. "This confinement called solitude," Ravi scribbles on his notebook, "Does it piss you off, my attitude?/All you know is VIXX's rapper./Me too./Ravi is a rapper of his own solitude,/ready to make it big." A gross lump of bile rises to his throat. His mind tells him to throw the bull out. Ravi the rapper is nothing without VIXX! His heart stares at the lines dumbly. Is that true? Doesn't he always say that there's two Ravi’s? The VIXX's Ravi and the rapper's Ravi? His dual identities have coordinated harmoniously up until now, haven’t they? His eyes burn through the paper and his mind runs miles per second. Ready to make it big? But how? If Ravi is utterly alone and doesn't belong to VIXX... (his breath hitches but his mind won't shut up)... he can compose songs that truly express his colour all the time without having burdens of being an idol or having fingers pointing at him and judge him before knowing the rapper’s Ravi. All they see is VIXX’s Ravi… Ravi has never wanted to be an idol anyway. Being a rapper has always been his dream for the past ten years and it will always be his top priority that has been pushed to the background. It will always be forbidden for him to completely immersed in his true self when he's VIXX's Ravi. Can he be somebody without VIXX attached? With VIXX's activities coming after him like dominos pushing him down while he stands, along with the responsibilities handcuffing him, he barely has time like right now to just be.

He gets up and paces around, feeling full control of his own body, but the small room too is suffocating him. Even if he screams, no one can hear his desperation because this place is the little lost corner in the Jelpi company (Jelpi. What do they know about hip hop anyway?) So he screams and kicks the wall, hoping to break through. He plops back down his chair once the rare tantrum was over. He reopens the love song that he's supposed to work on. His face cringes in disgust. He's so sick of sappy love songs. Expressing typical guys’ fantasies is only a part of who Ravi is. What about the other things that make up Ravi? Will he ever be able to show that side of himself to the whole world? Somehow, that part of him is lost in the image of VIXX's Ravi who is supposedly dirty-minded, obsessive with girls, and messy. Whatever unseen is waiting to be released and discovered.

Jaehwan raises his fist to the door and holds it there. He nods along to the dance track that is playing in Ravi's personal workplace. He can hear that some parts sound disjointed, almost upsetting even. The song is half-hearted without the vibe of VIXX. Is this really a song for us? For a second, Jaehwan is in doubt. He shakes his head, Ravi can always make it better. When he's about to leave the angry harsh sound in disappointment, the music changes. Some confident smooth beats pulse through the door. Though Jaehwan isn't a hip-hop expert, he is carried away by Ravi's flow. That hidden side of Ravi always makes his heart beats faster in anticipation. It seems like that rapper side of Ravi has so much more to offer when he's not just another member of VIXX. At this moment, he feels sorry for Wonshikkie. But that's silly. Ravi enjoys what he's doing! He loves VIXX and Starlights as much as he loves rapping and composing. All of those component make up the Ravi whom Jaehwan’s proud of.

Then a heart-breaking scream freezes Jaehwan on the spot.

Jaehwan knocks on the door. The knockings are drowned in the sounds of fist poundings. "Wonshik?" It suddenly makes sense to Jaehwan. The song written for VIXX is off and soulless. It's nothing comparing to his rap. What else can possibly explain his agony over a masterpiece?  He can only imagine the aspired rapper watching his heartfelt hip-hop tracks gathering dust in a corner of the small company, like gems buried in the sand that loses their lustre as time goes by. "Don't leave..." a terror seizes Jaehwan. He's seen what happened to his colleagues whenever someone moves on and leaves his or her group behind. He can also picture the shock, the betrayal, the resentment from the members, Starlights, and the company. They will lie to the world that the six of them are still good friends. It might ring true for a year. Maybe for five years. And ten years will pass. And Ravi would become just a memory. At least the five of us have each other. Hakyeon will hold the group together somehow. Taekwoon will quietly watch out for everyone. Hongbin will be there to comfort every shed tears. Hyukkie will be responsible for himself, being careful not to break in front of his remaining hyungs. And Jaehwan won't be allowed to offer his shoulders to Ravi when the time comes. Ravi will be crying alone somewhere, as if he will mourn for VIXX’s Ravi being buried ten-feet under…

If only someone will stop everything from going downhill, or an opportunity that makes every dream comes true.

"Wonshikkie!" Jaehwan barges into the room. Ravi stares at the intruder with disoriented, wide eyes. "You're... busy?" Jaehwan has his usual infectious smile, though it never reaches his eyes.

Ravi is shaken all over from his sudden appearance as if he's caught . In some way, that’s exactly how Ravi feels at the moment. He doesn't mind his privacy being invaded though; in fact, he is almost relieved. The crisis of his split identities begins to ebbs away, and Jaehwan becomes more real. More fragile, as if Ravi almost broke something really precious and dear to him. Before Ravi can completely switch out of his trance and return to reality, Jaehwan wraps his arms around Ravi's shoulders. Ravi’s pupils become moist before he returns the hug. Jaehwan doesn't crack a joke this time. He holds him quietly and taps his trembling back in steady rhythm. Without any words exchanged, they agree that Ravi has done a great job for holding his two selves together most of the time, whether he's VIXX's Ravi or rapper Ravi. Wonshik feels less alone. Less split. And more complete.

***

Ravi walks in the bathroom and catches Hakyeon sitting on the toilet lid. He rubs over his watery eyes, "Geez. You never know how to knock," Hakyeon’s voice cracks as he wipes more tears away.

"Chillax. There's nothing new for me to see anyway."

Hakyeon grabs a nearest towel to throw at him, "You !"

Good. At least he stops crying now. Ravi squats before him. "So, what's wrong?" Ravi asks softly.

Hakyeon shakes his head firmly, "I don't want to worry you when you have your own problems." He stares at Ravi expectantly.

Ravi’s lips draw a tight line, "And you think I'll do the same thing to you?"

Hakyeon grips Ravi's shoulder and makes sure his nails dig into his flesh. Ravi whimpers. "Fine. I'll tell you first, then you will tell me yours."

Ravi nods.

"Okay, so the director was ing at me today and you know how much I have to deal with lately..."

Ravi resides on the bathroom floor for the next hour. He watches Hakyeon's expression changes from disbelief to anger to contempt. Ravi laughs along when Hakyeon manages to make his misery a hilarious misadventures. He catches his falling tears after they've done laughing. Listening to Hakyeon's troubles erases whatever Ravi's conflicts are. Who will listen to this foolish leader when he's gone?

"I'm finished. Your turn!"

Ravi takes his soft slender hand into his big warm hand. He takes a deep breath, "Please don't get mad at me or cry or throw a tantrum because of whatever I'm about to tell you."

Hakyeon holds his breath and nods numbly. A chilly feeling creeps upon him and he can't shake it away.

"I will always be an important member of VIXX. No matter what happens, I will be VIXX's rapper forever."

Author's Note: As a Ravi stan, I've noticed more than one instance that Ravi's looks distracted in front of camera...:/ Maybe he's just tired...? I hope all of our boys have some rest though, especially after Utopia. Ravi hwaiting! VIXX hwaiting! Raven hwaiting! Navi hwaiting!

(But dang, I'm so happy I got to write my two fav ships in one story... I really think that N and Ken have that kind of healing power on Ravi... call me delululu~)

Thanks for reading! Upvote, subscribe, and comments are appreciated. See you soon~ (very soon I hope. :))