A fic that is written entirely in Yonghwa’s POV

February 25, 2015

I wake up to the same pain, same empty feeling whenever I reach for the space beside me just to realize you’re not there. Not now, not ever. I wish to never wake up. To just continue sleeping, because in my dreams is where you’ll only be.

Don’t worry princess, I’m still breathing, but barely living.

I count the days, 7 days and 13 hours. It’s been that long since you left and that long since I started living like a zombie. I don’t bother checking the time anymore, I just work and work. I don’t mind exhausting myself over piles of paper works or going home late. What’s waiting for me there? Cold, dark and lonely apartment.

Sometimes I find myself walking home from work. 50 minutes isn’t too much. It exhausts me so it’s fine. But most of the time, during my walks, I find myself walking not towards home, but towards your grave. I talk to you though I know you won’t answer. You never will. But I still do. I wish those movies about time travels are real.

I want to turn back time.

Just once – so I can save you.

11:30 pm

I arrive home just as exhausted as I was the previous nights but earlier. I guess fatigue has taken over so I decided to go home early. I plop down on the bed not caring whether I’m still wearing my coat and shirt that stink from sweat or that my socks are still on.

Shinhye will definitely get angry when she sees me lying on our bed with my socks on.

My lips curl into a bitter smile.

She hates seeing me crying. She said it isn’t manly and that I look ugly. But my eyes automatically water whenever I arrive home. The whole place reminds me of her, of our memories. Every corner and space of the house has Shinhye’s imprint on them, her notes on the refrigerator – the pretty scribbles which are quotes from her novels – words of love said by Jonathan to Faye – that never fail to make me smile, the decayed flowers in the living room which I haven’t thrown away because Shinhye was so happy when she got them (from me) and the stacks of photo albums in the book shelf which contain pictures of us carefully put together according to dates with sweet notes stuck to them. Shinhye is such a sentimental person.

I roll on my side facing the space she used to occupy – images of her come flashing….

Maybe she’s still here, maybe she hasn’t gone up to heaven yet. Maybe something miraculous will happen and tomorrow she’ll be alive again – the same mean Shinhye that wakes me up in the morning with her horrible loud alarm clock placed at the far side of the room. She’ll be by the door again hands on her waist smiling and waiting for me to scramble up on my feet and kill the ing alarm clock. And then she’ll kiss me after that telling me that breakfast is ready and that if I don’t hurry there will be no mango slushy for me.

"God, I miss your cruelness too."

My lips quiver as I suppress another surge of emotion. I've been crying for more than a week and my eyes are still producing tears. I bury my face on her pillow hoping to somehow calm myself with her scent.

8 days and 1 minute.

I let out a pained chuckle.

‘Don’t worry princess I’m still breathing....... but I feel like dying.’

I wish to not wake up and just continue dreaming of you. But no, the alarm goes off. My hand reaches for the clock atop the nightstand but I catch nothing but air. My brows furrow. Did I knock it down when I was sleeping?

Annoyed, I pull the covers over my head. A few more minutes, I groan. My head feels like exploding!

“If you don’t get up now there’ll be no mango slushy and good morning kiss for you.” A voice suddenly comes echoing across the room. My eyes slowly open and my heart thumps impossibly hard in my chest.

Wait… is that… wait…am I still dreaming?

“No kiss, no cuddling for one week Jung Yonghwa!”

I throw the covers up sitting up on the bed, head snapping towards the door. There she is, standing with her hands on her waist, lips pursed in a pout and brows scrunched together – she’s trying to look mean but god she just looks so endearing in my eyes. She pouts more.

Wow this dream is so vivid.

This is the first time I’ve seen her this clear. Most of the time she’s just a faceless figure in my dreams, which I assume is her. She’ll vanish quickly once I set my eyes on her… once I touch her. But now, she’s still standing there frown deepening while staring at me.

My eyes rake on her whole appearance bathing myself in her whole existence. She’s wearing the black lacy….

Wait…

I immediately reach for my phone under the pillow.

February 11, 2015 7:00 am.

Exactly 7 days before her accident – before her birthday and before my proposal.

I look back again at Shinhye who is still at the door looking confused. I stare at her, trying to take in everything that is happening, trying to come up with a good explanation for everything. Thoughts of pinching myself become tempting but before my fingers can even reach my cheeks I stop. What if this really is a dream and if I pinch myself I’ll wake up to the cold and lonely apartment?

I don’t want that.

“Is there something wrong? Are you sick?” she asks, worry all over her face. She starts walking towards me. I want to run, meet her halfway and hug her but my legs just won’t move. I want to speak and call her name but my voice is stuck in my throat.

I want to say I love you.

Oh please let me say it to her. I don’t know how long this dream will last so at least let me tell her how much I love her. Let me….

Her hands cup my cheeks gently wiping the tears that are flowing on them. I didn’t realize that I’m already crying. “Hey what’s wrong? You’re scaring me” she asks worriedly. I didn’t answer. I pull her in a hug, wraps my arms around her waist and buries my face on her shoulder.

“Hey what’s wrong?” she asks again, hands softly patting my back.

“I love you.” I said leaning back and reaching for her face. “I love you so much.”

“Uhmm..I know because you’re crazy over me and…”

I lean in and capture her lips. She gasped. God, she still tastes the same. The supple sweet lips that taste like mint and strawberry – courtesy of the kiddie toothpaste that she loves so much – the unique taste that is very Park Shinhye.

“Hey, hey..what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” she asks after pulling back from the kiss. I want to pull her in again but her hands on my chest stop me.  “Is it because of the threat? Okay I take it back… you’ll still have your kisses and cuddles. Stop crying now you look ugly” she smiles sweetly while patting my cheek. I lean in to the touch cradling her hand between my cheek and shoulder.

If this is a dream please do not wake me up.

And I did not.

 Or

 If this is still a dream, this is the longest, weirdest dream ever.

We end up cuddling in bed. She forced me to go to work earlier but I insisted on staying, saying I wasn't feeling well and that I didn’t want to leave her alone. She said she had work to do too, that she had to submit the last chapter of her latest novel to the publisher before the week ends. She said my presence at home was distracting, well yes it was because I didn’t leave her alone, not a second. I stuck myself beside her like a gum as she worked.

It’s just weird because most of the things that happened today and is happening had happened in the past. Same date, exact same things (except for some things I did today out of fear of losing her again). Like right now, she’s wearing the sleepwear set my mom gave her for the first time. How can I forget that black, lacy camisole and short set?! My mom purposely chose the iest she could find – it was her blatant attempt to push us to marriage through you know what – and gave it to Shinhye as an early birthday present.

“Seriously you’re being creepy today” she says suddenly propping her elbow on the pillow and resting her chin on her palms.

“Am I?”

“Are you cheating on me?” she narrows her eyes at me and pouts.

“Your novels have gotten into your head,” I flick her forehead. She winces and grumbles something incomprehensible before slapping my chest hard and crawling to seat on my stomach.

“Yah, you won’t dare. I’ll castrate you if you do!!” she exclaims dramatically pointing a finger at my face. 

I laugh hard, god how I love this woman. “You know how much I love you right?” I said cupping her cheeks with both hands and pulling her down to kiss her softly on the lips.

“I know…you're so crazily in love with me" she says confidently when our lips part. I peck her pouty lips.

"I do." I peck her lips again. "So...so...much."

The loud ringing of the alarm clock wakes me up from my deep slumber. Thinking that the very long dream is over, I reach for it atop the nightstand intending to throw it somewhere in the room. But then, the alarm clock again is not where it should be. My brows furrow and slowly I sit up. For years of waking up to that horrible sound my eyes quickly spot the evil device on the floor, a meter away from the foot of the bed. My head automatically turns to the door to check if….

“I’m starting to wonder if you really are my Yonghwa.” an apparition of Shinhye says standing by the door arms crossed on her chest and wearing the y sleepwear Shinhye was wearing the night we slept in my dream. 

I stay glued on the bed staring at her as my brain create thousands of reasons why I am still having this dream. I reach for my phone from under the pillow to check the date.

February 12, 2014 7:00 am

The room becomes quiet as the alarm clock stops ringing. Shinhye stands up with the clock in her hand and settles it on the nightstand. She then sits down beside me on the bed.

"Saved me two alarm clocks, you're getting better, you need a reward." she kisses me softly on the lips "Get up now. You won't want a cold stew right?" she smiles before getting up.

"Shinhye..." I call in a low voice it's almost a whisper. She still hears it and turns around. "I... had a bad dream." I say in a shaky voice, "You...you left me." I croak fighting the urge to cry, stopping the tears from falling. I feel the bed shifts a bit as she sits beside me again. Warm arms then wrap around my waist. Yes, warm like Shinhye. This isn't an apparition. This is definitely Shinhye hugging me now. I should know.

"Is that why you're acting strange?" she asks. I nod in response, not trusting my voice. I'm afraid that if I speak more my voice will crack then I'll cry again. She'll think something's wrong and then she'll pry until she gets an answer from me. I'm not a good liar and actor - she'll see through me and if she finds out she definitely won't believe me – she'll think I'm going crazy, plus I don't know what the consequences may be if she finds out. But... are there consequences? Is this even real?

She tightens her arms around my waist. “If that ‘left’ means I left you for another person – that’s only possible if Paul Walker is still alive. But, he’s dead now so you shouldn’t worry.” she smiles warmly at me.

I forcefully tug the corner of my lips, “So I’m only second on your list?”

“Technically, yes.” She kisses me on the cheek before standing up. “Come on, I’m starving. I made strawberry slushy for us.” she beams at me offering her hand for me to take. I can’t help but return the warm smile. I take her hand interlacing our fingers and locking them together. Like magic, I feel my heart being filled with a different kind of joy. Like a jolt of happiness is surging through my veins, tickling my heart and erasing all my fears and anxieties.

It’s this familiar feeling of being loved and in love.

She pulls me up with a giggle and then drags me out to the kitchen in haste. “Strawberry is cheap nowadays so instead of mango I bought strawberries.” she says as we walk towards the kitchen. I can imagine strawberries starting to pile above her head as she thinks of them. She’s probably thinking of ways to make me eat her favorite fruit.

“But I hate strawberries.” I whine hugging her from behind, latching myself to her like a koala as we make our way to the kitchen.

“No one hates strawberries!!”

4 days more passed with me waking up to Shinhye’s alarm clock. She is so impressed because she has saved a total of 6 alarm clocks for 6 days of me waking up calmly. Sometimes I wake up earlier than her just to stare at her sleeping face, memorizing every dips and curves of it. Realizing how lucky I am to have her and to have this chance again. Days passed and I am sure now that everything is really happening all over again. This is too long, too vivid and too realistic to be a dream.

I was forced to go to work too, I had to. If this is really a rewind of what happened before, giving me a chance to save her when that time comes, then I must be careful not to change too much. All I have to do is save her. Stop her death. But does saving her means she’ll live after that? How about the days after – months after?

Can I really change the course of fate?

Can I really change Shinhye's fate?

It won't hurt to try... I'm given another chance to be with her. I have to make sure she'll stay with me, forever. I sigh leaning back on my chair. Does forever even exist?

"Hey"

Sweet melodic voice pierces the silence of my office. Of course she came, just like she did that day. I remember it very well – my memory has always been good. I turn towards the door feigning surprise.

"Oh, what are you doing here?"

Shinhye smiles sweetly before raising two plastic bags. "I sent the manuscript to the publishing office. So I thought I could drop here as well so we can have lunch together." she walks towards me and places the plastics on the table. Upon settling the food she leans forward across the table and places a kiss on my lips.

“One more” I mutter pursing my lips more. She rolls her eyes before leaning in and placing another sweet kiss on my pouting lips.

"You're so childish." she says pinching my nose.

"One more" I tug the collar of her blouse and captures her lips. She yelps at the sudden attack making her scramble to find a place on the table to hold and support herself resulting to a few things falling down the floor. She groans and hits my chest but that won’t stop me. My hands cup her face and tilt her head a bit to deepen the kiss. A few struggles more and finally she gives in resulting to more things falling down as she lifts one of her legs on the table to make herself comfortable.

The door then suddenly opens followed by a gasp.

“S-sorry.” My flustered secretary mutters before hastily closing the door. Shinhye pushes me and hops down the table fixing his blouse.

“Jung Yonghwa, look at what you’ve done to my shirt!” She exclaims straightening the wrinkled collar of her blouse. I sit back on my chair and cross my arms on my chest.

“Let’s go shopping and buy you a new one. How’s that?”

She rolls her eyes, “What’s the catch?”

I smile before patting my lap, “Come here and kiss me again. I’ve been working so hard for us I think I deserve a reward.”

“And your secretary?” she raises an eyebrow.

“She knows not to come in when I’m busy.”

She nods to that, “Make it two dresses then.” she says raising two fingers and giving me that sweet, sweet tempting smile of hers.

How to say no to that? “Deal. Now come here.” I say waving her over impatiently.

She smiles before running towards me and jumping on my lap. My arms automatically wrap around her waist pulling her closer to my body.

“How about the lunch I bought?” she asks wrapping her arms around my neck and threading her fingers through my hair. I nuzzle onto her neck breathing in her scent.

“Can I just have you for lunch?”

She chuckles my cheek, “We might have a problem with that. You know Jungshin’s tendency to barge in without knocking.

“We will lock the door.”

“You know how loud I can be. Let’s not give your secretary more trauma. She already had enough for today.”

I groan nuzzling deeper onto her neck, “But imagining you on my table is already making me hard.”

She chuckles, “I can feel it” then grinds her on my lap to emphasize her point. “How about I give you your kiss now, and then cancel your appointments for today?”

I lean back and stares up at her eyes sparkling, “Then let’s go home now.”

“No, we’ll go shopping first then we’ll go home after.” my shoulders slump.

“But I can’t wait that long.” I whine.

She smiles and gazes straight to my eyes, “Two dresses then and a bag tomorrow” she says.

My eyes flicker once over her swollen and damp lips, “You’re a sly. But I love you so deal.” I lean in to claim my reward. God, is it even possible for someone to taste so sweet like this, to be this addicting? I tug her lower lip, impatiently nibbling on it sending a silent plea to open . She giggles threading her hands deeper into my hair before opening and responding to the kiss with much eagerness.

Our mouths part, adjust and meet, too eager to taste each other. Hot breaths mingle and moans of appreciation echo across the room. Shinhye’s hands clutch more of my hair as my tongue appreciatively explores her cavern. I can feel her growing desire and impatience and I doubt if we can still reach home.

 “I really wanna do you here now.” I murmur against her lips when we separate to fill our lungs with air.

She parts her lips and gaps. She doesn’t utter a word but the smile that grazes her lips is enough. I lean in again to kiss her harde