IV

Confused

Sometimes I think, until when I will be able to survive?

I never wanted to be in a situation like this. A few minutes ago I just finished a bath, and now was preparing to cook dinner for me and Taekwoon. Taekwoon said he will be back home soon. Lately, Taekwoon was little changed. Not turn bad, he even gets better. Turn to be a Taekwoon who is always watching me, who never forget to kiss me on the forehead before leaving for work, which always slipped me a back hug every time I’m cooking, and who always want to hug me while sleeping.

My Taekwoon is my back.

I’m almost finished with my cooking when the buzzer of our apartment bugging me. At first I thought it was Taekwoon. But Taekwoon was no need to ring the bell to get in. We’ve lived together for two years. And this is his apartment so of course, he didn’t need to ring the bell. Therefore I turned off the stove, opened my apron, and walked toward the front door to see who was ringing the bell earlier.

For a moment, I regret what I did. A figure of a male that I never wanted to meet again standing in front of me, smiling, brought a series of red roses, which looks so pretty. His short blond hair, with a wide smile, which made me feel sick and want to immediately close that door again.

Kim Wonshik.

I was about to shut the door again without saying anything to him. But he hold his hand quickly, making it difficult to close that door. I looked at the man with a sharp look, while he said to me.

“I just wanted to have a little chat with you, noona. Please.”

I take a breath heavily, a little hesitant, but then began to open the door again, let him went inside. The man then handed the roses to me, smiling.

“I choose this, your favorite red roses.” He said.

Like didn’t want to like his treatment, I snorted. “I never liked red roses, I guess.”

Wonshik rolled his eyes and laughed. “Come on, noona. Can’t you stop hate me?”

I turned around after receiving his roses without looking back at him. He followed me from the back, sitting in the dining room while I took a vase to put roses there. I didn’t like his gift, but the roses are too dear to be discarded. I think with hating on him isn’t going to make everything better, right?

“So you really live with Taekwoon hyung, huh?” Wonshik said while he took a look around the room.

“If you come just to say it, you should go now. Taekwoon will be home in a few minutes, and he wouldn’t like to see you here.” I said, taking an orange juice from the refrigerator and pour into a glass for Wonshik.

Wonshik laughed. “I just wanted to meet you. I miss you, noona.”

I snorted, annoyed. “Don’t be kidding! Go if your business is finished!”

How many times I tried to calm myself, trying to forget everything and stop hating on him, but still I always fail. I really really hate him, hate Kim Wonshik, reminded me how mad and crazy I was after the day he decided to break up with me, leaving me who everyday felt like wanted to kill myself. Maybe I sound too exaggerated. But indeed, Wonshik is my first love. So that’s why when he left me, I felt like dying every day until I met Taekwoon.

I was about to turn around, away from him to go back doing my activity to prepare dinner because Taekwoon was about to go home, but suddenly I was in shock. Wonshik pulled my hand, making my back pressed against the wall while he was standing in front of me, caught me in his hands.

“K-Kim Wonshik, w-what do you want?” I asked, in a voice slightly quivering, nervous and scared.

“What I want did you say?” Wonshik looked at me sharply, with a look of seriousness he whispered in my ear, scaring me inside. “I want you to come back to me, Cha Hakyeon.”

Hearing that I immediately tried to push him, but of course failed because Wonshik’s power which can be immediately catch me again is certainly stronger than me. “Don’t be kidding, Wonshik!”

“I’m not kidding, noona.”

“Why did you want me to come back to you, huh? In the past, that’s you who were leaving!” I snapped at him. “I’ve got a life now! My perfect life! Stop bother–”

My lips are sealed, can no longer continued my words when his lips landed on my lips, kiss me. My eyes were widened. I was upset, angry. I tried to push him away and let me go. What the hell is he thinking he is doing?

Wonshik released of my lips, looked at me sharply. “I really still love you, noona. Seeing you with Taekwoon makes my blood boil.”

He’s crazy.

He must indeed have been really crazy.

“Come back to me, noona. I won’t hurt you like what Taekwoon did to you.” He said again.

“Taekwoon never hurts me.” I said irritably.

Wonshik sniggered, “really?”

“What do you mean? Stop bothering me, Wonshik!”

“You said Taekwoon never hurt you? Don’t you know a few days ago I saw him walking in the mall with her ex-girlfriend while holding hands lovingly? Together with Lee Jaehwan?”

“W-What do you mean?” My lips trembled to hear his statement. Jaehwan and Taekwoon were walking together, holding hands? What exactly is being said by Wonshik? Why did he know? Is what he said true?

“He’s having an affair behind you, noona. And you didn’t know it, right?”

I pushed Wonshik’s body with all of my power, making him jerked off and stepped behind. I then chuckled, my eyes had filled with tears. He looked at me puzzled, heard me say, “he’s not having an affair behind me, Wonshik.”

“What?”

“From the beginning we didn’t have any relationship. So, if he returns to the Jaehwan, it’s right, it’s fine, and I don’t have any power to forbid him, to force him to stay.” I said.

“Geez.” Wonshik snorted irritably. “You never change, noona. Always hurting yourself. That’s why I left you before.”

I didn’t have time to react after hearing his words, Wonshik was back towards me, kissed me back, crushed his lips on mine passionately. I didn’t want him to kiss me. I didn’t want to accept him back. In my heart now there is only Taekwoon. Always and only Taekwoon. I hate Wonshik. I hate him kissing me. But I’m helpless. His strength is much bigger than me. No matter how hard I rebelled, his hands will be able to catch my hands to remain silent.

I closed my eyes, resigned to the situation and just hope that all this is coming to an end. Tears began to flow out of my eyes and increasingly heavy. I really didn’t know what to do. In my heart I just wish somebody save me.

I wish Taekwoon come to save me.

I think God heard my prayer this time. Because a few minutes later I heard a loud blow, let me see Taekwoon who was punching Wonshik hard, making the blond man had fallen on the floor. I can see Taekwoon’s angry face. His sharp gaze, staring angrily at Wonshik while continuing to beat him.

“S-Stop, Taekwoon-ah. Don’t do it again. Please..” I was sobbing, holding his hands tightly, not wanting to let him do stupid things like dirtying his hands by beating someone as useless as Wonshik.

I know Taekwoon is angry now. His eyes glared at Wonshik, gasping as like hunting an animal, he growls. Taekwoon then looked at me for a while, then stood up, pulling me into his arms, let my crying face buried in his chest. I heard he later returned to speak at Wonshik.

“Get out of my house now!”

Wonshik laughed as if to mock me. But then he walked toward the front door, but then stopped and turned around for a moment, staring at us with a sharply. I could feel Taekwoon was angry once again and about to pounce Wonshik with anger. But I held him, I held his hand tightly. I don’t want Taekwoon dirtying his hands.

“I won’t give up, Hakyeon noona.”

Wonshik was walked away after saying that, not only makes Taekwoon furious, but also myself. I am annoyed. I hate him. Really hate him.

***

I woke up in the morning with finding my body feels warm and comfortable in his arms. This kind of atmosphere is an atmosphere that has long missed. Opening my eyes and seeing his face first when he woke up. Taekwoon smiled at me, gently rubbing my hair, get rid of the hair out of my face.

“Good morning, princess.”

I wonder if my ears is in trouble or not, but I’m sure I actually heard his flirt with me. I tried to smile at him, hitting his chest slowly, making him grimacing, laughing. “That’s so cheesy, you idiot. Well, good morning, Taekwoonnie.”

Taekwoon chuckled.

I rose from my bed, sitting on the bed, while he remained in his position sloping and looked at me. “Stop looking at me like that, Jung Taekwoon.”

“I can’t stop it. You’re too pretty in this early morning.”

I rolled my eyes, a little shudder to hear words that didn’t usually like this. I think he ate something bad yesterday. Or perhaps he was drunk. I have no idea though. “Y-Yah, what’s wrong with you? You’re not usually complimenting me like this.” I said, standing up and taking my hair ties.

Taekwoon stood up, hugged me from behind, makes me a little surprised.

“Yah, Jung Taekwoon–”

“I’m sorry, Hakyeon-ah.”

My eyes blinked several times to hear his statement. I glanced at him that still rested his chin on my shoulder. “For what?”

“To not being able to protect you.”

I laughed, “about yesterday, it wasn’t your fault, stupid.”

Taekwoon was being silent, made me even more to think what was wrong with him today. Not that I don’t like him like this, just remember what Wonshik said yesterday about Taekwoon, made me even more confused and worried. Lying if I said I didn’t mind if Taekwoon opt back in Jaehwan and left me. If it happens I guess things ever happen when Wonshik left me that time also will recur. Like a glass, I think I’ll go back cracked and shattered.

To be honest I really wanted to ask him about it. But my lips numb, can’t sound every time my heart told me to tell him. After all who am I to meddle in his affairs? I and Taekwoon were just friends, never more than that. Since the beginning when I made a decision to accept his offer to stay together, I’ve prepared myself when such a day arrives. Not that I had suspected that he would be back on Jaehwan, I mean, the day when Taekwoon fall in love with a woman who was really his type, which he truly loved, and that’s when my time is completed.

Because when he chooses another woman, that’s my time to go.

I let Taekwoon held me for some time. Because moments like this, is a very precious moment in my life. Because when he actually chose another woman, this moment will never happen again.

***

“You said Taekwoon never hurt you?”

“Don’t you know a few days ago I saw him walking in the mall with her ex-girlfriend while holding hands lovingly? Together with Lee Jaehwan?”

“He’s having an affair behind you, noona. And you didn’t know it, right?”

“Ugh..” I trumpeted softly, combing my hair with my hand, trying to eliminate the tiredness that haunts me. Since I met Wonshik that time, his words about Taekwoon kept ringing in my head, making me unable to focus myself on the job.

“Eonnie, are you okay?” Hongbin’s voice appeared suddenly from behind the door made me turn quickly.

I tried to smile at her, trying to look fine. “I’m fine, Hongbin-ah.”

“You’re lying again.”

I turned my eyes, laughed a little and then rose from my chair and pulled Hongbin to walk out of the room remind me that now have entered the lunch hour. “I’ll tell you over lunch, okay?”

And Hongbin just nodded while followed me waking out.

And this is where we both were, enjoying a cup of latte after lunch at a café that located in just down the road not far from our office. I casually sipping my latte while Hongbin looked at me with dilated eyes, made me want to laugh but bearable when I saw her expression.

“That bastard was back just to do things like that to you? Aish, really, I really want to kick his face.” Hongbin growled. “Then you believe in what he said about Taekwoon oppa?”

“Do you think?”

Hongbin whined upset. “Come on, eonnie! I understand you. Until when will you always be like this? Let others hurt you happily?”

I looked at Hongbin, putting back the latte cup, breathing heavily. “I don’t know, Hongbin-ah. You know, for Taekwoon, I’m just a friend. Never more.”

“Eonnie, those words were a few years ago he said, at your first meeting with him. Time passed and I’m sure during that he at least has put his heart to you.”

“No way, Hongbin-ah.”

“Eonnie–”

“I don’t want to trust Wonshik. But if that is true, then what can I do? Jaehwan is too big in his heart.” I said, resigned, staring at the latte cup in front of me, was feeling getting weaker.

And Hongbin was no longer said anything. That pretty girl just sighed, and held my hand tightly, made me look at her eyes with a little smile. I know Hongbin was no less sad with me. The girl is really an angel. And I can only respond with a smile. Naive, isn’t it?

My mind was getting messed up when I was just coming home from work that afternoon, when I stopped at the supermarket to buy the ingredients to cook, I met a woman who mentioned by Wonshik yesterday. The woman who walked with Taekwoon before. His ex-girlfriend, Lee Jaehwan. She smiled at me, when we met in front of vegetables counter. Maybe she also recently came home from work and just like me, was buying the ingredients. Initially we just greeted each other, a little small talk, and when I was about to leave to go, suddenly Lee Jaehwan said to me with a look of seriousness, though still adorned with her sweet smile.

“Why don’t we enjoy a quick cup of coffee while talking about something that I’m sure you also want to talk to me, don’t you?” She said.

I wrinkled my forehead, looked at her with a puzzled look. I can imagine what we will discuss later and I guess, approve it isn’t a good reason. I was about to refuse, but she was as if she knew what I want to say, quickly spoke again just before I put out my voi