He stares at his reflection and wonders where the smile had disappeared to. He wonders where his laughter went and he questions where his happiness is. Min Yoongi used to be a bright kid filled with smiles and laughter, but it all changed. Why has he changed? He doesn’t know. He’s not certain when it happened, but he can pinpoint the source of it all. It’s not like he wanted it, it just happened unwillingly. It was before he had lost that childish spark in his eyes, before the true smiles were replaced with one filled with heavy regrets and lies hidden underneath. It was before his laughter was lost and replaced with emptiness. There are no more feelings and there’s only one source for his dull life.

There’s only one source and he didn’t expect it from him—he didn’t expect it from his best friend. He didn’t expect his best friend to be source, his best friend Kim Namjoon. They’ve known each other for years, their friendship is unbreakable. They’re practically stuck at the hip, went to middle school and high school, now they’re into their third year of college. But he wants more than a simple friendship, he wants so much more and his wish can’t be granted. What he craves for is impossible to reach, too far for his fingers to caress, too far for him to grab.

He wants so much more, but he doesn’t ask for it. He’ll never ask for more.

Yoongi does get more once, just once, or twice, maybe three times, but it isn’t what he always asked for. It was something different, something he disliked. It started off normally, how it always does and there wasn’t anything to be expected. Namjoon went to his apartment as usual just to hang out. They would sit in silence as Yoongi worked on his essays while Namjoon listened to music, but today was different. There was something off and he doesn’t know what’s off.

“Yoongi,” he starts. “Wanna have ?“

He freezes and he doesn’t say anything.

“Do you wanna try?” Namjoon asks again.

Again Yoongi doesn’t reply. He doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t know how to reply. Did Namjoon finally figure it out—does he know? He’s certain that he doesn’t know, he wouldn’t ask such a thing if he knew. He wouldn’t, that’s just Namjoon’s style.

“It’s only for one night, Yoongi. One night and that’s it.”

“Why?” he asks.

Namjoon shrugs. “Why not?”

His brows furrow together and he frowns. ”Why not someone else?” There’s plenty of other people Namjoon could ask, so why him? Why should he have with him—

“Because it’ll be awkward and I trust you, Yoongi,” he answers.

“Oh.” He isn’t aware of the feelings Yoongi holds. Trust, he only mentions it when their friendship is involved. If he found out, there wouldn’t be any more of that trust that he holds. “You know I have no experience at all, right?”

“It’ll be fine, first time for the both of us after all.”

He squints at him, he can’t be serious. There’s no way he is serious about this, it has to be some sort of sick joke Namjoon came up with just for s and giggles. “… is this some sort of joke?” he asks. “This isn’t funny, Namjoon.”

“It isn’t,” he says. “I just want to try this out, don’t worry. I trust you, you should trust me, we’re best friends practically.”

 There’s a pause and Yoongi is speechless. He doesn’t know what to say, what to do. It’s so tempting, but it isn’t right, none of it is. He doesn’t want to do such a thing, but again it’s tempting. Namjoon will never return his feelings, he never will and there won’t be another chance like this. “Fine,” he gives in. “We can if you want to, it’s not like it’ll affect our friendship, right?”

“Promise.”

--

He still remembers how the word rolled off his tongue so easily. “Promise,” he mindlessly mouths, his eyes fixated on the ceiling above him. It was a promise so easily broken and it haunts his thoughts. It’s another sleepless night for him, another night where thoughts are loud and keeps him awake. And then there’s Namjoon, sleeping without a worry, snoring softly besides him. It was going to be one night, that’s what he said, but one quickly became two, then three, then four and it never stopped. “Tonight’s our first and last time, okay?” is what he said, but it wasn’t their last. 

He rolls over to his side, facing away from his snoring friend. “So much for that promise,” he mutters.

--

The promise is long forgotten (but Yoongi still remembers) and it continues. He’s lost track of how many times Namjoon would push him onto his own bed. He’s lost track of how many times a kiss was forced onto him whenever they’re at this apartment. It’s not like he can stop it from happening, it’s not like he can stop his heart from breaking off slowly every time it happens. He can’t. He tries not to think how it never happens at Namjoon’s apartment and how he never brings it up, but that’s expected, right? It’s what he should expect… but he can’t help not to cling onto the small sliver of hope.

But that hope slips through his fingers.

The hope he clung to only lasted for a couple of months, it’s been a couple of months since it happened. It’s only a couple of months and Namjoon suddenly announces that he’s interested in someone. Someone in one of his useless classes apparently, at first he assumed it was a girl, but it turned out to be a guy. Yoongi doesn’t believe him, he thinks it’s another joke.

“Stop joking with me, it isn’t funny—“

Namjoon frowns. “No. I’m serious.”

Yoongi stares at him. “You’re… serious?”

“Yeah, I am. His name is Seokjin, he’s pretty cool.”

Something breaks—another part of his heart. It’s bigger than the rest of the broken parts, but he can’t do anything to fix it. “Last I remember you weren’t interested in guys,” he says.

Namjoon shrugs. “Yeah, well things changed.”

A lot of things changed, like our friendship, he wants to say, but he keeps it in. He doesn’t want to ruin the friendship they have, that’s the only thing he can call his… their friendship. He stares at Namjoon and sighs. “Whatever, I can’t really stop you from liking people anyways.” Because he can’t stop himself from having feelings for Namjoon. “Good luck I guess.”

“Thanks man.”

He forces a smile. “No problem.”

How he wishes Namjoon knew of his broken heart, the scars that litter across it and the pieces that have broken off. How he wishes he told him about his feelings earlier—but it’s far too late. Namjoon is in love, but it’s not him who he loves.

--

Two weeks later it’s official that Namjoon and Seokjin are dating. They’re cute, Yoongi has to admit that. They’re puzzle pieces that fit each other and Namjoon is noticeably happier (while his own happiness seems to only shrivel away). And as much as Yoongi wants to hate Seokjin, he can’t. The man is sweet, a bit awkward and nice to a fault. It’s hard to dislike a man like him, it’s no wonder Namjoon had fallen head-over-heels for him. They become good friends—Seokjin takes care of him unlike Namjoon, frets and worries over him. Yoongi can’t help but to wonder what it was like to fall in love with Seokjin instead of Namjoon (but it’s too late, he can’t help to think, he’s too deep in love).

He gets a month or two of freedom. Namjoon doesn’t barge into Yoongi’s apartment pressing his lips against his, hungry for a kiss. It’s brings him relief, maybe he’ll finally be able to move on. Maybe he won’t have to hurt anymore.

But another month later, three months into Namjoon and Seokjin’s relationship is happens again.

He thought those nights would stop, but they didn’t. Namjoon managed to find his way to Yoongi’s apartment one night, grabbing his head and forcing a kiss onto him. A fight with Seokjin apparently and he didn’t know how to cope with it, so he came to Yoongi.

“Yoongi, just tonight,” he breathes out. “This will be our last time, I promise.”

But you’ve told me that one too many times, he wants to say. But he keeps it to himself and hesitantly nods. “Only tonight, no more, okay?”

A smile lights up Namjoon’s face and he presses a kiss against his lips. “You’re the best friend I could ever have, you know that right?”

Yoongi can only smile bitterly. “Yeah,” he mumbles into Namjoon’s lips. “I know.”

It isn’t their last time however. Namjoon breaks his promise once again.

They continue and Yoongi’s heart only breaks off into more pieces every time Namjoon goes to him, telling him that he needs him (only for apparently). It’s always after a fight with Seokjin, or when he’s deprived of it and more pieces break until there’s nothing left of Yoongi’s heart. Shattered pieces on the ground, too small to glue together. What has he done to deserve such a thing? Was he cursed? Was this what it was?

He’s getting tired of it all.

“What’s wrong?” Namjoon asks one day, a year too late. Yoongi’s dark circles are becoming more apparent, his skin is paler than usual and oddly it brings concern to him. Doesn’t he know the cause of his dark circles was him? Oh yeah—he doesn’t.

“Nothing,” he mumbles. “Don’t worry about it.”

Namjoon frowns. “But you look like —“

He shoots the latter a glare, nothing like the playful ones he always gives. It’s filled with malice, anger, irritation—all the emotions that have been piling within him for years now. “And you care why?”

“We’re friends—Yoongi, why wouldn’t I care about you?”

Yoongi nods absentmindedly. “I guess, we were.”

His frown deepens. “What do you mean were?”

“We were, Namjoon. We were friends and then you broke it.”

“Yoongi, I—“

He leaves it at that. He leaves Namjoon sitting alone in the library confused without an explanation. He can’t bear to look at his face anymore, it only brings him pain. He feels tears pricking at the edge of his eyes. He just wants the pain to go away. He just wants the feelings to disappear, to burn into flames. That isn’t too much to ask.

He hurriedly leaves the building, ignoring Seokjin’s greeting and concerned expression. He pushes past his friends, rushing to his apartment.

He doesn’t attend classes the next day.

Yoongi locks himself in his apartment—left with the memories of all the nights Namjoon and him had been intimate. It hurts, it hurts  just lying in his bed so he resorts to sleeping on the floor or anywhere with no memories attached to it. And he remembers, his entire apartment is covered in memories of Namjoon. He contemplates crashing at Hoseok’s place and living there for a while, but he doesn’t want to intrude on the poor kid.

He shouldn’t do it, but he can’t stand living another day in his apartment.

He hasn’t left his apartment for a week (he hasn’t been to class for a week). He can’t bring himself to look at Namjoon in the eyes, or to be near him in general. He doesn’t want to risk falling back into that cycle that only breaks his heart more than needed. It’s already too broken to be fixed.

Another week goes by—another week of sleepless nights and tears. There’s a knock on his door and he’s greeted with Seokjin’s concerned face. Funny how his best friend’s boyfriend is the one worried about him, the one to actually check up on him. But he didn’t expect Namjoon to check up on him anyways. Namjoon wasn’t that type of person.

He probably looks worse than he did two weeks prior based on Seokjin’s expression, but he can’t bring himself to care. “What do you want?”

“I-I haven’t seen you on campus for two weeks, I was worried,” he replies.

“It’s only been two weeks.”

Seokjin only frowns. “But… you look worse than you did when I last saw you.” He pauses. “Namjoon’s worried too, you know.”

Bull. If Namjoon were worried he would have checked on him the first few days he disappeared. He isn’t concerned, he hasn’t been concerned for months. “Why isn’t he with here?”

“I—“

“Just, drop it, Seokjin. I don’t need it.”

He bites his lips, looking at Yoongi with hesitant eyes. “Yoongi, he… he worries about you, he always has been,” he says. “I don’t know what happened between you two, but he hasn’t been himself lately.”

“Why does it matter to me?”

“Because you’re his best friend and it’s obviously affecting him.”

It’s complete bull—this hasn’t been affecting Namjoon. He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about Yoongi, no matter how gentle he is to him, no matter what he tells him. He breathes in and runs a hand through his hair, “we were. We were best friends.”

“Regardless, he’s still your friend, you know him better than I do.”

“I don’t.” He wants to scream at Seokjin, tell him what Namjoon has been doing behind his back, but he can’t bring himself to. “I just don’t anymore, Seokjin! I don’t know him anymore—he’s not the Namjoon I became friends with.” But he fell too deep for him.

Seokjin’s eyes widen. He reaches over for him but he shakes his head.

“Don’t.”

“Yoongi…”

He slams the door shut, he doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. He can hear Seokjin calling for him, banging on the door. He’s concerned, he knows. But Seokjin is only a reminder of Namjoon—that he’s not the one by his side, that he’s not the one he loves, that they’re just friends. They’re just friends, that’s all they are, or rather were.

It’s finally quiet, Seokjin probably gave up and returned home.

He allows his head to fall onto the wood of the door, leaning his body against it and sliding slowly to the floor. He tries to wipe away the tears that are forming, but they don’t stop. It hurts, it hurts so much. He hadn’t realized that love would hurt him this much.

He wants all of his emotions to disappear. He wants all the memories he’s had with Namjoon to disappear. He wants to disappear.

“This is so ed up,” he mumbles in between his sobs. “This is so ing messed up.”

He continues to cry until there are no tears left, until he’s a heaving mess on the floor. And for the first time in two weeks, he manages to fall asleep with no issues by the entrance with tears streaking his face.

It’s just all too much.

--

Yoongi decides to leave. He’s called the tenant of the building informing them of his departure. He’s packed all his belongings into a box and leaves the pieces of his shattered heart behind. He leaves behind all the memories. He leaves behind his emotions.

There isn’t a point to stay anyways. Namjoon will never return his feelings. He’ll forever be the best friend. The supporting actor that doesn’t get what his heart desires, left on the sidelines for the main character to develop and mature into someone else. Except the lines that dictated their friendship became blurred and turned into something undesired (for Yoongi, for Namjoon he’s not the one to say).

And so he leaves. He leaves with no warnings, no farewell letter, nothing.

He doesn’t contact Seokjin or Hoseok, not even Donghyuk or Hyosang—none of them, they’re all related to Namjoon in some way. He needs to start anew and this is it. This is how he’ll do it.

He moves to Busan, attends a university there and lives with three other people. He produces music now, composing tracks and writes lyrics. He’s graduated the university, still lives with the same three people and they became his new pillar of supports. Even with a new life he’s still reminded of his past, of Namjoon. They still try to contact him, Seokjin especially, but he ignores the calls and texts, eventually blocking the numbers.

He’s managed to move on. He’s managed to forget Namjoon (but not completely). He even has someone he can call his, someone that loves him, that cares for him and gives him kisses that actually mean something. But despite that he still carries a broken heart.

If only he could be completely fixed.

--

“Hyung, when will you ever tell me about him?”

A painful emotion surges throughout his chest. “One day, just not now,” he answers.

 “But he hurt you! I can’t just sit here knowing that he didn’t bother to fix anything.”

“Jungkook.”

“Yoongi.”

He sighs then gives the younger boy a small smile, ruffling his hair. “Jungkook, don’t think about it. Stop trying to remind hyung about it too,” he says. “It still hurts.”

“Oh,” Jungkook looks down. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” He presses a kiss against the boy’s lips. “You’re here now, so it’s fine.”

“But you’re still in love with him,” Jungkook mumbles against his lips.

Another smile graces Yoongi’s lips—small, sad and bitter. “I do, but you’re my present and future—he’s my past. That’s what matters, right?”