Hold On To Me

            Hyoyeon awoke feeling inexplicably warm, considering the season and frozen temperatures forecasted the previous night. She attempts to move her arms, only to find them pinned to the bed, the rest of her body similarly encumbered. The scent of Taeyeon’s perfume is lingering around her and Hyoyeon laughs silently, her lips quirking into a smirk, as she opens her eyes to a mass of Taeyeon’s dark hair blanketing her chest.

She considers lying still; because Taeyeon is impossibly and her arms are so gently wrapped around her form and the day is still young and lazy, full of stretches of time that can be filled with small, delicate moments like this; but the day has already begun, sun rays peeking through closed blinds and songbirds well into their morning tune, and the day’s tasks wait for no one, though she wishes they would.

She does linger though, enraptured in the untangling of the older girl’s dark hair, running tentative fingers through the long strands, drawing circles that weave into intricate patterns along Taeyeon’s exposed skin. Eventually, she begins to untangle herself from Taeyeon’s limbs, moving slowly, carefully, so as not to disturb her slumber. The blanket has fallen to the floor in her efforts so she drapes it back over her sleeping girlfriend, making sure to cover every inch of exposed skin since she can no longer do so with her own.

 She turns to head into the bathroom to begin her morning routine but not three steps pass before she’s on the floor, a groan suppressed in the back of . The culprit is, unsurprisingly, a cluster of Taeyeon’s collection of plush Toy Story peas.

“Aish, Taeyeon-ah. How many times have I told that girl to pick up her toys?”

She begins to gather the toys, pushing them into the corner with the other assorted plushies. As she does so, Hyoyeon hears the ruffle of sheets behind her. Taeyeon is shifting beneath the covers, her hands groping around the spot Hyoyeon had been laying.

Hyoyeon looks back nervously, worried that her absence has caused Taeyeon discomfort.  She bites her lip anxiously, her eyes darting between the pile of stuffed animals and Taeyeon’s tossing and turning. Grabbing the largest pod of stuffed peas, she walks over to the bed and leans in to place them between Taeyeon’s reaching arms. As she does so, Taeyeon’s eyes flicker open, sluggish yet alert, searching Hyoyeon’s eyes with a look of utter complacence.

“And where do you think you’re going?” She smiles, wrapping a hand around Hyoyeon’s wrist.

“Go back to sleep Tae-Tae, I wasn’t trying to wake you.”

Taeyeon rolls her eyes, “I know that silly, you were trying to leave.” Her gaze morphs into a pout and Hyoyeon feels a sudden warmth in her chest. “Why don’t you ever wait for me?”
“I just want to make sure you’re getting enough rest, love,” she takes note of the hand on her wrist and knows that any explanation at this point is futile, she isn’t going anywhere.

“I would sleep a lot better with you here,” Taeyeon tugs Hyoyeon’s wrist, forceful yet tender in intention.

Hyoyeon resigns herself to her fate, a light laugh escaping as her girlfriend climbs on top of her, an arm crooked over her waist and their legs entangled.  Taeyeon rests her head in the crook of Hyoyeon’s neck, inhaling her scent as she buries her face into the younger’s hair.

“Tae, that tickles,” Hyoyeon laughs, an arm snaking over her girlfriend’s back and coming to rest on her shoulder.

“Can’t help it love, you always smell so good,” she feels Taeyeon nip at her neck and a surprised squeal escapes her lips.  “You just smell like home to me. It’s comforting.”

They lay silent for a moment, Taeyeon’s breathing cresting Hyoyeon’s neck, the blonde’s hand drawing patterns along pale skin, allowing themselves to take in each other’s presence, to be aware of the other person and nothing else.

“We do have to get up eventually you know,” Hyoyeon says, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Taeyeon’s ear. “I do have plans for a day like today.”

“It’s my birthday,” Taeyeon pouts, “If I want to spend the whole day with my arms around you then I believe the option should be available.”

Hyoyeon laughs again, that feeling of warmth growing at the girl’s childish remarks. “Anything you desire princess.”
“Anything?” Taeyeon’s head perks up, creating only spare inches between their faces. “So then I can do this?” She presses her lips into Hyoyeon’s neck, gliding her lips along the smooth skin.

“Well I wouldn’t exactly complain,” she attempts to keep her calm demeanor but she’s suddenly having a hard time controlling her voice.

“And this?” She begins moving up her jawline, slowly, deliberately.

“Mhmm,” she doesn’t even bother with words, knowing the garbled mess of speech would seem a concession of defeat.

“How about this?” She leans close into Hyoyeon’s ear; she can hear her heart beating expectantly, rapidly. She stops just centimeters from Hyoyeon’s ear, a devilish smirk replacing her satisfied smile, “Go make me breakfast.”

“Yah!” Hyoyeon bursts into laughter, taking the stuffed peas and knocking her girlfriend over the head. “What the hell was that?!”

“What?” Taeyeon smiles innocently, “You said whatever I want. I want my love to make me a special breakfast.”

“You're lucky it is your birthday or I would so be getting my revenge right about now.”
“Oh, and what does this grand revenge of yours entail?” Taeyeon moves cross-legged onto the center of the bed, hugging her toy peas to her chest.

“If only you were lucky enough to find out, but it looks like I have breakfast to make so I’ll be off,” Hyoyeon huffs in feigned annoyance.

“Wait.”
“Hmm?”

“Carry me?” Taeyeon looks up at her with her arms outstretched, a playful smile on her lips.

“You’re killing me,” she groans but readily complies, kneeling at the side of the bed to allow Taeyeon to hop on.

“Assa!” She quickly jumps onto Hyoyeon’s back, nearly knocking her to the floor in the process.

“Geez, I already fell once today because of you,” she steadies herself and rises from the ground, making sure Taeyeon is safe and secure.

“You fell?” The playful tone drops from Taeyeon’s demeanor.

“Uh, yeah. Don’t worry about it though, just tripped over some toys,” her voice is suddenly low, laden with guilt over bringing up something so trivial.

“Aish, you told me to pick those up yesterday. I’m sorry Hyoyeonnie, should I kiss it better?”

“Oh no, I’m not going to let you tease me like that again.”

“Yah, I am not a tease. I can’t help it that you’re so tasty,” she nips at Hyoyeon’s neck again and the blonde has to suppress another shocked squeal.

They arrive at the kitchen and Hyoyeon moves to let Taeyeon off but the shorter girl shakes her head in refusal.

“No, I wanna stay with you. “

“Taeyeon-ah, how do you expect me to cook with you up there? Especially if you’re going to keep doing that?”

“This?” Taeyeon asks, kissing the skin along the nape of Hyoyeon’s neck.

She feels a shiver course through her and she just knows Taeyeon is feeling quite satisfied with herself. “Well, it’s my birthday wish, so you have to comply. If I make you that nervous, it only makes me want to do it more often.”

“Your birthday wish is to frustrate me while I make you breakfast?” She quirks an eyebrow at the notion while retrieving the ingredients from the fridge.

“No, silly. My wish today is to be as close to you as possible at all times. I want to touch what you touch, feel the echo of your fingertips in those places. I want to trace maps along your skin, learn the way you breathe, listen to the rhythms of your heartbeat and learn everything else that makes up my love. I want to know you, all of you.”

Hyoyeon doesn’t say much; she’s never been able to express her feelings verbally in the way Taeyeon does. Words in fumble and tangle, coming out as a garbled mass that, although they make Taeyeon giggle and that makes Hyoyeon feel warm and purposeful, wring her with feelings of inadequacy. She does her best to speak through actions, taking her spare hand she’s been using to cook to lace her and Taeyeon’s fingers together. She kisses the individual knuckles of Taeyeon’s hand, eliciting light giggles and for a moment she feels enough for her.

~

“Alright, breakfast is served, love.”

Taeyeon allows Hyoyeon to set her down in her seat at the breakfast table, watching as she sets down the various dishes in front of her. While Hyoyeon’s back is turned, she drags the other chair from around the table and sets it close to hers.

Hyoyeon looks at the new arrangement and rolls her eyes, “You know, all you have to do is ask.”

She takes the seat next to Taeyeon and the brunette lays her head in Hyoyeon’s lap.

“Feed me,” she stares intently at the fork in Hyoyeon’s hand and opens .

“You’re going to choke if you sit like that.”

“Well then, you’ll just have to give me mouth to mouth. It’s really a win win situation you see.”

“You’re an idiot,” Hyoyeon laughs, putting the fork of pancake between Taeyeon’s lips.

She them in satisfaction, her expression one of complete bliss as Hyoyeon stares on in bewilderment. “But I’m your idiot so who’s really the foolish one?”
“Both of us.”
And they laugh, exchanging similar remarks throughout the course of the meal, interrupting bites with quick pecks. They quickly finish the meal and Hyoyeon goes to clean up, forcing Taeyeon to sit and allow her to do the entirety of the work.

“You can help with chores tomorrow, enjoy the break for today.”

“I love you, Hyoyeon-ah.”

“I love you too, babe.”

Taeyeon watches as Hyoyeon goes about her work, contemplating what the younger girl has planned for the day. Her mind wandering to the mystery of her present because Hyoyeon is terribly good at keeping secrets and she’s always attentive to what Taeyeon says so it could be just about anything Taeyeon has mentioned she liked within the past few months.

“Go get dressed. Wear something warm, we’ll be out for awhile,” Hyoyeon is drying her hands with a dish towel, waiting for Taeyeon to return to their room, but she remains still, her arms outstretched as they had been before.

“Let me guess, you want me to dress you too?”

Taeyeon her head to the side and Hyoyeon audibly groans, knowing that she just filled Taeyeon’s head with possible ideas.

“Well I hadn’t thought of that,” she smirks, “but since you offered.”

“I’m an idiot,” Hyoyeon scoops her girlfriend in her arms and carries her to the bedroom, setting her on the bed so she can sift through their closet.

“Sometimes, but you’re also really cute so you have that going for you,” she giggles, swinging her legs back and forth in anticipation.

“You are too kind to me princess, I may just burst from pride.”

She finds a pair of Taeyeon’s blue jeans and drapes them on the bed before going back to pick out the rest. She grabs one of Taeyeon’s knit sweaters and a thick jacket this time, setting them alongside the jeans.

“You’re really going to dress me?” Taeyeon asks, her voice tinged with disbelief and a hint of excitement.

“Your wish is my command, today and everyday,” Hyoyeon says, just beginning to tug on Taeyeon’s pajama pants.

“You know, I don’t know if I’m uncomfortable or expectant,” Taeyeon eyes her girlfriend as she tosses her sweatpants into the hamper.

“What’s there to be uncomfortable about? I’ve undressed you hundreds of times before,” Hyoyeon laughs, pushing Taeyeon’s ankles through the legs of her jeans.

“I don’t know, it just feels weird. It seems more intimate I guess.”

Hyoyeon looks at her perplexedly, “More intimate than ? Well, I guess I see what you mean. can be a heat of the moment thing. Sure, it’s intimate and passionate and just about every synonym of those words I can think of, but this is different. It’s slow, deliberate. A lot of people can have , though I wouldn’t quite categorize that as intimacy, but not many people would do this. This is more about trust. You trust that I’m not just doing this for your body. I want everything else too, so I can look at you like this and not expect anything from it because that’s not what you want. Do you understand or am I rambling?”
“You know I could listen to you talk forever,” Taeyeon eyes are glazed and dreamy and Hyoyeon feels a blush forming in her cheeks. “You’re good with words when you don’t think too hard; when you’re honest like this. You’re so adorable,” she leans in to kiss Hyoyeon’s cheek and if Hyoyeon wasn’t embarrassed before she most certainly is now.

“Well, I do my best to make you happy. It’s what’s most important to me.”

“See, so cute.”

Hyoyeon pulls the coat over Taeyeon’s shoulders and puts one of her own beanies over Taeyeon’s messy mane of dark hair.

“I’m going to die of embarrassment if you keep saying that.”

“You better grow a tolerance for the adoration of your girlfriend because it knows no limits, I assure you.”

“I need to go get dressed before I forget about the plans I made and just sit like this forever.”
“Either way I’ll be happy,” Taeyeon smiles as Hyoyeon buttons up her coat for her.

“When did we get so cheesy? I thought couples were supposed to pass that stage after a while.”

“Maybe we’re just more in love than they are.”
“That could definitely be that. So, shall we?” Hyoyeon bends for Taeyeon to climb on again and she hurriedly climbs on before she can change her mind.

“Onward, my trusty steed.”
"As you wish, my love.”

~

The park is almost abandoned, most apparently deciding work was more important than being out on this beautiful Monday morning. The weather is freezing and the two puff trails of fog at each other throughout the trek over. Hyoyeon had insisted on stopping to pick up Taeyeon’s cake on the way over so the entirety of the trip was a balancing act between her girlfriend and the boxed dessert. Taeyeon knew Hyoyeon must be tired but she refused to sit down until they reached her favorite spot, the hill overlooking the park’s pond. She kneels in front of the hill’s tree, allowing Taeyeon to sit and rest her back along the tree’s trunk. She removes a lighter from her pocket and takes out the small cake, adorning it with a pack of candles and lighting each one as Taeyeon gazed lovingly at her dork of a girlfriend.

“Happy birthday, my love. May you get everything you ask for and more.”

Taeyeon bends to extinguish the candles and Hyoyeon removes them before the wax can get to the icing.

“So, what’d you wish for?” Hyoyeon asks.

“Close your eyes.”

Hyoyeon looks at her in confusion for a moment but she knows there’s no use in refusing so she complies, her heart beating hurriedly as the suspense builds. She feels something cold and moist on her nose and realizes that Taeyeon has covered her face in icing. She goes to retaliate but, as she opens her eyes, Taeyeon takes off toward the lake.

“Yah! This is a gross misuse of perfectly good cake Kim Taeyeon!”

But the girl is already by the lake, waving hurriedly at the awaiting blonde.

“Catch me and I’ll tell you!” She yells before taking off once again.

Hyoyeon doesn’t miss a beat before taking off, already closing half the distance before Taeyeon turns to gauge her speed.

“Did you forget I won Dream Team?!”

“I thought old age would take its toll!” Taeyeon shouts, attempting in vain to increase the ever-decreasing gap.

“I’m still younger than you, idiot!” Hyoyeon sees her chance and leaps forward, taking Taeyeon to the ground as she rolls to minimize the impact.

“I should’ve known. With a body like that you probably got even faster since then.”

“If you’re trying to frustrate me it’s not going to work.”

“Then why are you on top of me?” Taeyeon smirks.

Hyoyeon looks down and, sure enough, she’s straddling her girlfriend in a public park. She knows her face must be incredibly red so she quickly jumps up and pulls Taeyeon to her feet.

“C-come on. The ants are going to eat your cake.”

“Who can’t frustrate who?”
“Shut up!”

~

After the events at the park, Hyoyeon piggybacks Taeyeon to lunch at her favorite restaurant. Hyoyeon has yet to give Taeyeon her gift and the birthday girl is wrought with anticipation, wondering how much longer it could be before Hyoyeon decides to give in.

“Did you enjoy lunch, love?” Hyoyeon asks, carrying Taeyeon off to their next destination.

The sky is already growing dark and Hyoyeon silently thanks Taeyeon for delaying her in bed this morning, otherwise the last event would have to be postponed.

“Hmm, oh yeah. It was delicious.”

“Something wrong, honey?” Hyoyeon’s brow furrows with worry because what if the lunch was bad or she was being boring or Taeyeon realized she didn’t enjoy spending time with her?

“Hyo, you’re doing that thing you do when you’re worried.”

Hyoyeon stiffens, wondering how Taeyeon could possibly know that but, then again, of course she did. Taeyeon has a keen sense for Hyoyeon’s nervous ticks.

“I’m having a great time baby,” she begins placing kisses on the back of Hyoyeon’s neck, a known tactic to distract her from her worries. “I was just wondering what you got me.”

“Oh, that? You’ll see. We just need to go here first.”

They turn the corner and Taeyeon realizes they are back at their house. Hyoyeon’s motorcycle is parked in the driveway and she grabs the helmet from the backseat, securing it over Taeyeon’s head.

“We’re going for a ride?”

“Of course. It’s sort of far away and you said you wanted to be close today so I figured, since I can’t carry you, you can hold onto me this way.”

“Do you always listen to everything I say?” Taeyeon asks, adjusting the chinstrap before mounting the back.

“Every chance I get,” Hyoyeon smiles before puling the visor over her face, covering her features entirely.

She hops onto the front of the bike, pulling Taeyeon’s arms securely around her waist. Taeyeon presses her head onto Hyoyeon’s back, attempting to listen to Hyoyeon’s heartbeat over the drone of the engine.

It’s a long trip so Taeyeon begins playing games with Hyoyeon’s pulse, learning which spots quicken it, causing it to beat loudly in Taeyeon’s ear. A few times, Hyoyeon has to swat at Taeyeon’s hand and she makes sure to catalogue those spots in her brain for later. She remembers how Hyoyeon drew patterns over her skin in the early morning so she does the same, listening to the beautiful calm of Hyoyeon’s heart as she traces swirls, intricate patterns that cover every inch of Hyoyeon’s back.

They arrive at nightfall, the sky as dark as a raven’s plumage yet much deeper, more mysterious. They’re far from the city's lights and towering skyscrapers, off into the peaceful countryside where hills and valleys dip and climb along the vast landscape. Taeyeon marvels at the sight for an instant before being pulled by Hyoyeon into the maze of tall grass. She wants to ask where they are but there is something alluring in this sustained silence so she waits for Hyoyeon to speak, if she decides to at all. They come to a hill before Hyoyeon even glances at her, offering her jacket as a seat to Taeyeon before sitting on the grass herself. It’s beyond freezing but she knows how stubborn she can be so Taeyeon takes off her own jacket, using it to wrap them both in the cloth’s warmth.

“I used to come here a lot when I was very small, before SM, before the stage, before the stress of it all. My father brought me here. It’s close to the city so he had time on the weekends but it’s just far enough that the city lights can’t desecrate the heaven’s beauty. I saw my first shooting star here…” She stops, in a long breath of air. “And I wished that one day I would find something that made me happy. I thought I had found that when I joined Girls’ Generation and, in a way, I was right. I’ve had some of the greatest experiences in my life being with all of you, performing with you, sharing in the joys and the sorrows that accompany it. But, more than anything, I got to meet you. We were awkward at first and I assumed we would be unlikely friends at most,” she laughs and takes another harsh breath, finding Taeyeon’s hand under the jacket and giving it a tight squeeze. “And suddenly, we weren’t awkward anymore. It was like someone turned a switch and you became the most important thing to me. I wanted to be near you, to be with you, and I just knew. So today, when you told me that you wanted that too, it resonated with me. I’ve probably talked more today than I ever have to anyone and I’m able to do that because of you. You make me scared, anxious, sometimes even self-depreciating. But, you also make me happy, confident, compassionate, honest, brave, and all the other things you’ve told me that you love about me, and that makes me hurt a lot less. I felt alone for a very long time and then it was like my heart said ‘oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you everywhere.’ And yeah, sometimes I’m still sad and I beat myself up over stupid things but you make me feel good about myself and I hope that everyday I can make you even a fraction of how immensely happy that makes me feel. Here,” she pulls a box from her coat and puts it in Taeyeon’s hand. Her eyes drop to the ground and she feels the words tighten in and she knew she was going to ruin this, she just knew it, but then there’s Taeyeon’s hand tightening around hers, her lips on her cheek, and she finds the words again. “I love you Taeyeon, I believe I always have. And my father always told me that when you love someone, you should do whatever you can to keep them in your life. So, will you accept this as your birthday present?”

“You dork,” Taeyeon laughs, sliding the ring onto her finger and grinning so widely that Hyoyeon begins to think of the stars and finding constellations in her smile. “I’ll be yours, as long as it means I get to hold on to you.”

“As you wish, princess.”

And they kissed, slowly at first but building in intensity until they were smiling into the kiss, unable to stop themselves from grinning to even kiss properly. They spent the rest of the night under the stars, tracing constellations onto exposed skin and attempting to taste starlight in the other’s mouth.