“Will you marry me?” Jonghyun is down on his one knee, looking up to him with the sweetest and most genuine gaze and smile that he always loved and will always love. The older boy is holding a red velvet box, showing a ring with little diamonds circling it.

Kibum suddenly felt so suffocated it’s like his lungs are failing him at that moment, He couldn’t find his voice to say something. His feline eyes starting to tear up, he didn’t know that he was shaking a little and all he could do was to cover his mouth with his hands to avoid the choke sobs from coming out his mouth.

When Jonghyun sees him like that, he chuckled lovingly and stood up. He brought Kibum to his chest and wraps his arms around his shoulders comforting him. Jonghyun kisses his forehead and his cheeks with little pecks and cups the younger boy’s cheeks with his warm hands. He chuckles and kisses Kibum’s tears away. He his nose again and again, Kibum couldn’t control his sobs anymore so Jonghyun brought him to his chest again and kisses his right ear softly. “I know it’s impossible to get married in this country but Kibum.. We will make it possible.. We will make this work, please make me the happiest man on earth. Marry me love..” He whispered to him in his sweetest voice.

Kibum didn’t hear any hesitance in the older man’s voice, it sounds so sure and firm yet so sweet at the same time. Jonghyun was so sure about it and Kibum is honestly so taken aback, he didn’t know what to answer so he continue crying against the older man, chin resting on his shoulder and his arms hanging limp on his side. When Jonghyun realizes that it’s taking so long for the younger boy to answer he holds Kibum’s shoulders and look at him in the eyes, He grew nervous, worried. Why Kibum hasn’t answered him yet? Isn’t he supposed to answer now and this is the time were in they are now laughing, crying, chuckling and kissing each other because yes, finally. They will build the life together that they always dreamed of.

Kibum closes his teary eyes for a moment and exhaled a deep breath. He looks around; He can see their friends looking at them with smile on their faces, cooing at them, some cheering loudly for them. Anticipating his “yes” And then he looks at Jonghyun’s eyes and he could see that the older man is getting anxious and scared. His smile is now gone. He was just looking at Kibum. Uneasy.

He feels his heart ache at the sight of his boyfriend, he wanted to hug and kiss him to take the fears away but he couldn’t do it his body is not reacting at all.

“J-Jonghyun… I’m sorry… I’m s-so sorry..”  He choked out.

He sees Jonghyun’s mouth dropped, his eyes doubling its size, eyebrows creased. Kibum immediately looks down and takes the older man’s hand on his shoulder and kiss the back of it. He closes his eyes and turns his back. He walks out with long strides leaving the older man on his place. He could hear his friends gasping and calling his name but he didn’t turn around; he doesn’t want to see how broken Jonghyun is right now because of him, he didn’t imagine that it’s going to turn out like this, he loves Jonghyun he loves him so much but he can’t do it. He thought he could but he couldn’t marry him.. So kept on walking almost running away without looking back.

....................

Kibum woke up with a jolt, breathing hard. He looks around the room and breathed a sigh of relief. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and his lips, throat suddenly feels really dry.

That dream. Again.

“You Okay?” Taemin asked him with a raised eyebrow and walks across his room, half . The younger boy opens Kibum’s closet to search for a shirt. “Yea..” He answered half-heartedly. It’s too late when he realizes that the younger took out his favorite button up shirt and wears it again for the umpteenth time.

“Lee Taemin! how many times have I told you that I don’t want you touching or wearing my clothes?! Don’t you have your own?” He stood up from his bed and walks up to him trying to get his shirt but the younger man runs to the other side of the room chuckling. “Let me borrow this for the last time, my clothes are still in the dryer..” The younger said too focused buttoning up the shirt to look up at him.

Kibum snorted and sits on the bed again with a tired sigh. He doesn’t have the energy to argue with the younger anymore because every time he dreams about that dream he always feels so tired physically and mentally. “Hey, I just want to remind you that you should be getting your ready by now, we will be meeting our clients at lunchtime” Taemin reminded him and walks out of the room.

“Oh . That was today?!”  He said out loud more to himself but he could hear Taemin answer him “Yes Kibum.. Isn’t it obvious?”

He hurriedly gets up and opens his closet door with a loud bang, frantically searching for clothes that will make him look pretty, he needed to look good today to impress them not just for the architectural design for the restaurant that he worked so hard for months but also to leave a good impression about his looks. It’s been so long since the last time he sees him. He needed to get that project not just because their firm needed it but because the clients that they’re going to meet today are very important for him. He wanted to work with those people so bad; he waited for four years to meet them again, to see him again, to be with him again. He will never this up. He will make this work no matter what.

He can hear someone walks up to him but he didn’t look at the person knowing too well that it was his best friend Tiffany.  “Bum, relax..”  He can feel her soft hand grab his arm softly, stopping his movements. He breathed out the air that he didn’t realize that he was holding a while ago and swallows the lump in his throat. His heart is beating so loud he can feel it against his ribcage. He bit his lip trying to suppress the tears in his eyes. He looks at her helplessly. Tiffany smiled at her comfortingly and patted his back with her free hand. “You know that you don’t have to do this if you’re not yet ready.. We can just decline it and do the other pro- ”

“No” Kibum cuts her off with a firm voice and Tiffany understood that Kibum will never turn his back this time. He will do anything and give all his time and effort for this and he will never waste this opportunity ever. “Okay” She said with a nod and hugs him from behind. “But please Bum relax..” she added.

..................

After an hour of getting ready, making sure that he looks beautiful and his clothes are pretty and appropriate and after a thirty minutes of nervously phasing back and forth earning weird looks and sighs from Tiffany and Taemin in their shared apartment’s living room, Kibum finally has the guts to get his handbag and various folders that contains the architectural plan that they will present later in their meeting.

He can hear Taemin mumbled “Finally” behind him but he suppressed to bite back because he was too busy trying to deal with himself right now. He can feel Tiffany wrap her arms around his waist and pinches his side comfortingly and he didn’t know if it helps to ease his mind or grow more nervous. They entered the car silently and Taemin decided that he will drive this time saying that he doesn’t trust Kibum’s driving skills because of his state at that moment. He didn’t try to fight anymore because he doesn’t trust himself either so it’s safer to let the younger man drive them to the designated place.

The car ride was awfully silent, he could only hear his own breathing and the occasional whistle of Taemin and the sound of the papers that Tiffany’s trying to review again when the car pulled up at a stop and the younger man announcing “We’re here!”

Kibum’s heart beats loudly again and he suddenly feels hot, he curses under his breath and sloppily gets out of the car, he trips on his feet and thank god that Tiffany was behind him to hold him steady, they shared nervous smiles and walks inside the building slowly.

When the three of them were already in the front door of the said apartment room, the two waited for Kibum to knock but he was frozen on his place he now thinks that maybe Tiffany was right when she said it’s not a good idea to accept this project? Can he really do this? Is he ready to face him? Is he ready to deal with his feelings again after so long? Can he keep his professional composure once he is face to face with him?

He didn’t hear that Taemin already knocks on the door maybe getting impatient because of Kibum’s antics since that morning. Damn. It was too late to back out now. Kibum realizes that this is it. He mentally prays and hopes that he could do it. That he can face him after four years without breaking down or he can talk to him without being awkward. He can do this he can do this. He mentally chants over and over again.

The door opens and it’s like the whole world spins violently and Kibum feels dizzy and he feels like throwing up. The man in front of them smiled brightly and greeted them politely; Tiffany and Taemin greeted and smiled back but Kibum stayed silent. He can’t do this. He can’t do this. He can’t.

“They are waiting for you guys inside. Come in..” The man said and ushered them inside the room and if Kibum’s world was spinning violently a while ago, now he feels like it stopped, everything around him stopped maybe even his breathing stopped because he can’t feel his body anymore.

Looking around the room, he spotted the guy he was looking for, there he is his ex boyfriend, supposed to be fiancé and ex future husband, the only man that he ever loved and will always love. The man he was waiting for so long to see again, sitting on the sofa right in front of him, his fingers tapping on his knee, legs crossed. Looking straight at him in the eyes with unreadable expression. 

“Kim Jonghyun..”  Kibum whispered to himself.

If only it's possible to disappear right at that moment Kibum will do it.

“Will you marry me?” Jonghyun is down on his one knee, looking up to him with the sweetest and most genuine gaze and smile that he always loved and will always love. The older boy is holding a red velvet box, showing a ring with little diamonds circling it.

Kibum suddenly felt so suffocated it’s like his lungs are failing him at that moment, He couldn’t find his voice to say something. His feline eyes starting to tear up, he didn’t know that he was shaking a little and all he could do was to cover his mouth with his hands to avoid the choke sobs from coming out his mouth.

When Jonghyun sees him like that, he chuckled lovingly and stood up. He brought Kibum to his chest and wraps his arms around his shoulders comforting him. Jonghyun kisses his forehead and his cheeks with little pecks and cups the younger boy’s cheeks with his warm hands. He chuckles and kisses Kibum’s tears away. He his nose again and again, Kibum couldn’t control his sobs anymore so Jonghyun brought him to his chest again and kisses his right ear softly. “I know it’s impossible to get married in this country but Kibum.. We will make it possible.. We will make this work, please make me the happiest man on earth. Marry me love..” He whispered to him in his sweetest voice.

Kibum didn’t hear any hesitance in the older man’s voice, it sounds so sure and firm yet so sweet at the same time. Jonghyun was so sure about it and Kibum is honestly so taken aback, he didn’t know what to answer so he continue crying against the older man, chin resting on his shoulder and his arms hanging limp on his side. When Jonghyun realizes that it’s taking so long for the younger boy to answer he holds Kibum’s shoulders and look at him in the eyes, He grew nervous, worried. Why Kibum hasn’t answered him yet? Isn’t he supposed to answer now and this is the time were in they are now laughing, crying, chuckling and kissing each other because yes, finally. They will build the life together that they always dreamed of.

Kibum closes his teary eyes for a moment and exhaled a deep breath. He looks around; He can see their friends looking at them with smile on their faces, cooing at them, some cheering loudly for them. Anticipating his “yes” And then he looks at Jonghyun’s eyes and he could see that the older man is getting anxious and scared. His smile is now gone. He was just looking at Kibum. Uneasy.

He feels his heart ache at the sight of his boyfriend, he wanted to hug and kiss him to take the fears away but he couldn’t do it his body is not reacting at all.

“J-Jonghyun… I’m sorry… I’m s-so sorry..”  He choked out.

He sees Jonghyun’s mouth dropped, his eyes doubling its size, eyebrows creased. Kibum immediately looks down and takes the older man’s hand on his shoulder and kiss the back of it. He closes his eyes and turns his back. He walks out with long strides leaving the older man on his place. He could hear his friends gasping and calling his name but he didn’t turn around; he doesn’t want to see how broken Jonghyun is right now because of him, he didn’t imagine that it’s going to turn out like this, he loves Jonghyun he loves him so much but he can’t do it. He thought he could but he couldn’t marry him.. So kept on walking almost running away without looking back.

....................

Kibum woke up with a jolt, breathing hard. He looks around the room and breathed a sigh of relief. He wiped the sweat off his forehead and his lips, throat suddenly feels really dry.

That dream. Again.

“You Okay?” Taemin asked him with a raised eyebrow and walks across his room, half . The younger boy opens Kibum’s closet to search for a shirt. “Yea..” He answered half-heartedly. It’s too late when he realizes that the younger took out his favorite button up shirt and wears it again for the umpteenth time.

“Lee Taemin! how many times have I told you that I don’t want you touching or wearing my clothes?! Don’t you have your own?” He stood up from his bed and walks up to him trying to get his shirt but the younger man runs to the other side of the room chuckling. “Let me borrow this for the last time, my clothes are still in the dryer..” The younger said too focused buttoning up the shirt to look up at him.

Kibum snorted and sits on the bed again with a tired sigh. He doesn’t have the energy to argue with the younger anymore because every time he dreams about that dream he always feels so tired physically and mentally. “Hey, I just want to remind you that you should be getting your ready by now, we will be meeting our clients at lunchtime” Taemin reminded him and walks out of the room.

“Oh . That was today?!”  He said out loud more to himself but he could hear Taemin answer him “Yes Kibum.. Isn’t it obvious?”

He hurriedly gets up and opens his closet door with a loud bang, frantically searching for clothes that will make him look pretty, he needed to look good today to impress them not just for the architectural design for the restaurant that he worked so hard for months but also to leave a good impression about his looks. It’s been so long since the last time he sees him. He needed to get that project not just because their firm needed it but because the clients that they’re going to meet today are very important for him. He wanted to work with those people so bad; he waited for four years to meet them again, to see him again, to be with him again. He will never this up. He will make this work no matter what.

He can hear someone walks up to him but he didn’t look at the person knowing too well that it was his best friend Tiffany.  “Bum, relax..”  He can feel her soft hand grab his arm softly, stopping his movements. He breathed out the air that he didn’t realize that he was holding a while ago and swallows the lump in his throat. His heart is beating so loud he can feel it against his ribcage. He bit his lip trying to suppress the tears in his eyes. He looks at her helplessly. Tiffany smiled at her comfortingly and patted his back with her free hand. “You know that you don’t have to do this if you’re not yet ready.. We can just decline it and do the other pro- ”

“No” Kibum cuts her off with a firm voice and Tiffany understood that Kibum will never turn his back this time. He will do anything and give all his time and effort for this and he will never waste this opportunity ever. “Okay” She said with a nod and hugs him from behind. “But please Bum relax..” she added.

..................

After an hour of getting ready, making sure that he looks beautiful and his clothes are pretty and appropriate and after a thirty minutes of nervously phasing back and forth earning weird looks and sighs from Tiffany and Taemin in their shared apartment’s living room, Kibum finally has the guts to get his handbag and various folders that contains the architectural plan that they will present later in their meeting.

He can hear Taemin mumbled “Finally” behind him but he suppressed to bite back because he was too busy trying to deal with himself right now. He can feel Tiffany wrap her arms around his waist and pinches his side comfortingly and he didn’t know if it helps to ease his mind or grow more nervous. They entered the car silently and Taemin decided that he will drive this time saying that he doesn’t trust Kibum’s driving skills because of his state at that moment. He didn’t try to fight anymore because he doesn’t trust himself either so it’s safer to let the younger man drive them to the designated place.

The car ride was awfully silent, he could only hear his own breathing and the occasional whistle of Taemin and the sound of the papers that Tiffany’s trying to review again when the car pulled up at a stop and the younger man announcing “We’re here!”

Kibum’s heart beats loudly again and he suddenly feels hot, he curses under his breath and sloppily gets out of the car, he trips on his feet and thank god that Tiffany was behind him to hold him steady, they shared nervous smiles and walks inside the building slowly.

When the three of them were already in the front door of the said apartment room, the two waited for Kibum to knock but he was frozen on his place he now thinks that maybe Tiffany was right when she said it’s not a good idea to accept this project? Can he really do this? Is he ready to face him? Is he ready to deal with his feelings again after so long? Can he keep his professional composure once he is face to face with him?

He didn’t hear that Taemin already knocks on the door maybe getting impatient because of Kibum’s antics since that morning. Damn. It was too late to back out now. Kibum realizes that this is it. He mentally prays and hopes that he could do it. That he can face him after four years without breaking down or he can talk to him without being awkward. He can do this he can do this. He mentally chants over and over again.

The door opens and it’s like the whole world spins violently and Kibum feels dizzy and he feels like throwing up. The man in front of them smiled brightly and greeted them politely; Tiffany and Taemin greeted and smiled back but Kibum stayed silent. He can’t do this. He can’t do this. He can’t.

“They are waiting for you guys inside. Come in..” The man said and ushered them inside the room and if Kibum’s world was spinning violently a while ago, now he feels like it stopped, everything around him stopped maybe even his breathing stopped because he can’t feel his body anymore.

Looking around the room, he spotted the guy he was looking for, there he is his ex boyfriend, supposed to be fiancé and ex future husband, the only man that he ever loved and will always love. The man he was waiting for so long to see again, sitting on the sofa right in front of him, his fingers tapping on his knee, legs crossed. Looking straight at him in the eyes with unreadable expression. 

“Kim Jonghyun..”  Kibum whispered to himself.

If only it's possible to disappear right at that moment Kibum will do it.