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Tangled in the Great Escape"Home, I want to go home." As if a mantra, Jongin mumbles those words quiet enough for only himself to hear, trying to ignore the tears spilling numbly out of his bloodshot eyes. He leans against the cubicle wall and he wipes his tears after closing his eyes, hoping that the frustration would disappear into the darkness behind his eyelids. The school bathroom isn't a bad place to be alone especially when classes are going on. He hears nothing but his own thundering heartbeat and the sound of the leaking pipe outside.
He remembers the bad things all at onceㅡ his parents' divorce six years ago, his brother's bad intentions, the bitter food he ate that morning, the vague future, the 'you'll get better' words of encouragement and how he feels nothing about it, the Math test he just failed, and even anxious about the future subject tests he's going to take. He doesn't understand why but all he knows is that his mind is ed up that he keeps seeing the worst side in everything. But all he could do is calm himself down as if he is another person besides himself and he waits until his bleak thoughts fade out.
He downs a few pills of benzodiazepines, absentmindedly taking five of them as he kept his eyes closed, almost fumbling at the water bottle he placed on top of the toilet tank when he came in. Jongin suddenly hears Kyungsoo's voice at the back of his head.
'Listen to me. Breathe 1 to 10', and with that, Jongin does.
By the count of ten, Jongin bites his lower lip, slowly opening his eyes and everything comes back into place. He lets out a deep sigh and finally decides to go back to class.
He kept his head down, trying to stay unnoticed when Chanyeol dropped his book on purpose, breaking the ice in the midst of a quiet class discussion with the whole class turning their heads in their direction. Jongin freezes in place when his professor calls his attention.
"Late again? Meet me after class, Mr. Kim." With a stern voice, his subject professor goes back to writing lectures on the board. Chanyeol quirking up a sly smirk on the corner of his lips as Jongin passes through the side aisle to go back to his seat. Somehow, he feels relieved when he's situated next to Sehun, at least he is at ease that he won't be in any harm.
Jongin doesn't pay attention to class, not that he is slacking off. His mind takes him out as if anchoring him down till he feels like breaking down again. He mentally tells his thoughts to stop, he wishes they could but they don't. Hostile words keep popping inside of his head hoping they could flow out along with his tears.
He misses Kyungsoo and all he could do is wait for the skies to slowly fade into evening, deep night colors. Kyungsoo would seem like the only getaway he has from the harsh, dreadful reality.
The walk on his way home was agonizing, almost hearing the sound of his erratic heartbeats with each step he takes. Anxiousness flooding his head again, feeling like a bubble that would burst any second.
"M'home." Jongin says, kicking the front door and hurrying himself up to his room with his brother's annoying voice trailing off. 'Kill yourself', and Jongin would be gladly to, but he remembers Kyungsoo again.
"I think it's okay to die."
"No, it's not." Kyungsoo just laughs, he knows what Jongin is talking about and he doesn't get tired of reminding Jongin that there are still a lot of beautiful things out there.
"You still have me and it is never okay to die, Jongin. You only say that because you're tired to the point that you want to end your life. All you gotta do is appreciate and notice the little things around you, and then you'll realize that it's okay to be alive.
"But what if you feel like you don-"
"Stop." Kyungsoo cuts him off once more. Smiling down at the sand and carving two small hearts with his forefinger.
"You're not dead, so don't act like you are. The war isn't over and promise me you'll fight and you'll win. They're just your demons, Jongin, and you're a lot more."
Jongin doesn't respond, instead he thinks about his daily routine. 'Wake up, die, repeat'.
He huffs a breath, eyes fixated on the sea, feeling his fingertips sinking down on the sand. He lets the wind cleanse his thoughts, but he still can't stop thinking how badly he wishes the wind to his soul slowly each time it passes him.
He remembers how he pushed Kyungsoo away a few times even though it takes a lot in him, because he believes that he doesn't deserve anyone. For himself, he's a mess and Kyungsoo is too good for him. He believes that he will only hurt the people he love and he doesn't want that to happen, so he'd rather sacrifice himself and stay away from him because Kyungsoo deserves someone a lot better, someone who won't break the window glasses at home.
Maybe he's tired of losing peopleㅡ tired of seeing the people he loved walking away from him, tired of seeing himself destroy beautiful things. But those words carved on the sand were washed away from the shore when the waves came.
"I will stay, Jongin. I'm not weak as you think I am, I know what I'm putting myself into and I'm still not leaving. Let me stay because I'm here with you. I'm here for you. Let me love you until you love yourself, Jongin. You're all I want so stop pushing me away, will you? Nothing can change my mind because I love you."
And in that moment, Jongin starts to notice all the little things around himㅡ how Kyungsoo holds his hand whenever he's nervous and how he automatically brings it to his lips to calm him down, how Kyungsoo says 'I love you' almost flawlessly, how Kyungsoo's warm lips felt perfect against his. Right then, he appreciates how the sky looks like beautiful canvass at 8 in the morning, how alternative indie music actually relaxes him, and how beautiful things are actually areㅡ the plants, the seas, skyscrapers in the city, cloudly, blue skies, and a lot more. And of course, what could be more perfect than the feeling of being loved by someone who's just... wonderful.
He remembers. He thinks. It's okay to be alive.
He lays down on his bed and looks at the clock, a few minutes left before 11pm, the exact time Kyungsoo comes back home. Jongin idly slides himself under his blanket, leaving enough space beside him where Kyungsoo usually stays.
His anxiety washes off when all of a sudden, he feels Kyungsoo scooting in beside him. Jongin feels Kyungsoo's arms wrapping around him, and finally, the feeling of the word 'home' slowly envelops both of them. He feels happy warmth in his chest and finally some relief in his head, for he finally got his gift today. He slowly feels lighter and lighter, but he doesn't turn around, instead he lets himself drift off to sleep in Kyungsoo's arms.
He wishes for time to stop so he and Kyungsoo could stay like this forever, but time doesn't stop for anybody and angels aren't humans.
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