WARNINGS FOR SUGGESTED HOMOPHOBIA

Okay, I think it’s time for me to explain a bit about myself, since so many of you guise have shared your stories with me down in the comment section. If you don’t want to read this story about who I am and how it comes that I have a pretty large knowledge of depression, then just skip it and read the chapter below.
Well, without going into too much detail, I grew up in a nice family, in a nice neighbourhood, just like Hakyeon did in this story. There was never a happier kid than me, seriously, but when I was about eight I started changing. During the same month, my grandma died and my best friend was kidnapped by her mother in a custody battle, which meant I had no idea where she went. After that I developed Separation Anxiety, but I was a little kid, so my parents didn’t think it was anything unusual about me wanting to sleep in their room sometimes, or not wanting to be left alone at home when they were picking up my older sister from football practice. But as time passed, I also started gaining a lot of weight, and I got bullied in school. It wasn’t very serious, but I never really had any friends. So as time went by, I also developed Major Depression Disorder. Today, I’ve been living with both disorders for about 10 years, and that made me determined to change the way we look at children with depression in my country. I, while still in school studying to probably be a teacher one day, am working with the children's organisation Plan to help improve children's rights here in Sweden, and for children all over the world. I am very set on making sure depression isn’t allowed to kill as many kids and young adults every year as it does, and I do as much as I can to make sure kids that are depressed gets the help they need.

Now, Hakyeon in this story is based a lot on my own experiences, but also on stories that I’ve been told from kids that I work with since I myself have never self harmed or attempted suicide. It makes me really glad to hear that you guise think that I write about depression in a way that is believable, because that’s what I wanted. I wanted this to be a story that really shows what it can be like to be depressed.
Also, since you guys have been asking a lot: No, there isn’t going to be a fairy tale ending where Hakyeon and Taekwoon both realise they love each other and then Hakyeon isn’t depressed anymore, because that’s not how depression works. BUT that doesn’t mean the ending won’t be happy, or that Neo won’t end up together. It might still happen like that, only, Taekwoon wont be Hakyeons knight in shining armour that sweeps down and saves him. Also, in this chapter you might tell that it seems like more people than Hakyeon might need that knight in shining armour…

Hakyeon does try to get help. Once.

Minhyuk from BTOB brings him to go see his hometown. It’s the end of january and they get another break since they are having a comeback soon again, and it seems like the president has noticed how tired some of them have been looking lately. Hakyeon brings his own car and they take turns driving, thinking they’ll make it a road trip through Korea. Almost a full days drive out of Seoul, they stop at a gas station and Minhyuk goes to buy snacks while Hakyeon refills the gas. As soon as he’s alone, feeling the stares of passersby against his still fully styled hair and face full of makeup, it doesn’t take more than a few seconds for the feeling of panic to creep up on Hakyeon. He can feel the cold hands of his own fears taking a hold of his throat, and it gets hard to breath. Every intake of air has to be a conscious decision, making him go dizzy from the lack of oxygen. Tears threaten to fall even though he tries to blink them away, the icy winter air stinging against his cheeks. He has to hold on to the gas pump so hard that his knuckles whiten just so he won’t fall down. If he falls he’s not sure he can bring himself up until Minhyuk gets back. It’s not the first his body has reacted like this, but it’s the first time he has nowhere to run. Usually this fear of being alone creeps up on him after the members have left him alone in the waiting room to seek out their friends, or they go to have lunch without telling him to come along. In those cases he could just press back the tears and follow them, or hide to cry in a bathroom. Now, he could only try to hold himself together until Minhyuk got back and the fear of being left would subside.
He doesn’t even notice Minhyuk is back until the man wraps his arms around him and makes him release the pump that has already well filled the tank.

“What’s wrong?!” He questions and quickly pulls the slimmer, but taller, man down to sit in the backseat of the car. Hakyeon’s breathing is slowly coming back to normal as he clutches onto Minhyuk's back. The broad shoulders felt nice under his fingers, but a sob ripped through his chest as he realised it was because they reminded him of Taekwoon. Why couldn’t he stop thinking about the feline man? Hadn’t they already left him several miles back, out somewhere in Seoul with friends that didn’t bother him like Hakyeon did? So why was he still on Hakyeons mind?
Minhyuk holds onto hakyeon as he cries into his shoulder, and he doesn’t judge as he hears the older mumble Taekwoons name between sobs. He’s Hakyeon’s friend, and he’s not blind. He has seen the signs, the longing stares and the lingering touches, even though Hakyeon himself didn’t seem to be willing to admit it. To Minhyuk there was no doubt that Hakyeon loved Taekwoon as more than a friend.
That didn’t mean he was any less jealous that it was Taekwoon Hakyeon needed and not him.

“Shh… It will be okay… Just breath…”
He rubs Hakyeon’s back and kisses his hair, whispering sweet nothings and reassuring words. It takes a minute or so, but eventually Hakyeon gets himself together and can let go of his friend. He blushes and tries to get away when Minhyuk dries his tears and smiles down at him with a loving smile. As soon as his panic attacks were gone, they were just rather embarrassing, Hakyeon thought.

“I’ll drive for a while, so go sit in the passenger seat, okay?” Minhyuk says and stands up to pay for the gas. Hakyeon nods and gets up himself, walking around the car to the other side. He sits down and turns the radio on. One of his old favorite songs is playing and he smiles up at Minhyuk when he climbs into the drivers seat. As soon as they have driven out on the road again, Minhyuk grabs Hakyeons hand from his lap and holds it tightly in his own.

“Does that happen a lot?” He asks. Hakyeon wants to run, but he can only stare at his lap and try to breath.

“...” He sighs. “Whenever…