When I said that everything was okay, I didn't mean it.

Everything is not okay because you're not here.

I'm so sorry Jongin.

I'm so sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry.....

Please forgive me.

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

I know that you're not ever going to read this, but I regret what I said to you. I already said this previously in my other letters, but I'm going to say it again. I regret letting you go. I regret not shoving you in a closet and never letting you out. I don't know why you're not replying to me, but I deserve feeling like this after what I did to you. Through every dark night and lyrics I'll ever sing, I'll always think of you. You were my first best friend and my first heartbreak. You were my everything and you always will be. Why am I like this? I don't know. I just want to say that if you were here, everything will be okay. I wouldn't have to cry thinking about your voice, your touches, your hugs, your eyes, your smile, and just everything about you.

I want to be able to say that everything is okay again. I want to be under your arms and let you tell me that everything's going to be alright. 

I just miss you. I don't know why I'm doing this. Please read this and tell me that everything's okay. I'm sorry.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Barely glancing at the watch that's been there since his 16th birthday, Jongin finally took up the courage to call Chanyeol and ask him how everything was. He didn't know what time it was in Korea or why he suddenly wanted to call Chanyeol, but the watch gave him memories that could never leave. Although calling Chanyeol seemed a little desperate, he didn't seem to give a damn anymore. It's been a long time since he talked to the guy and he really did miss him, not as much as he missed the love of his life. Scratch that, he didn't miss the love of his life. No not at all.

It was his last year in college and he couldn't be happier to finally graduate after 5 years of majoring in business. He left Korea to pursue his major in California because the person he loved said he should do something in his life instead of always dancing in the school's dance room and partying every other weekend. They were only graduating seniors when Jongin broke the news to all of his friends that he made up his mind for college in California.

He couldn't believe he made it this far and he was so ready to finally move on and do something, but something was always holding him back. That someone was always Kyungsoo, either the love of his life or someone he used to call his best friend. Kyungsoo was in Korea, majoring in Performing Arts.

After a minute of thinking what he should say to his close friend, he snatched up his phone from his desk and opened up his contact list. He pressed on Chanyeol's name and took a deep breath.

"Hello?" Chanyeol's voice was still deep and sounded a lot like he's been rapping for the past hours.

"Hey Chanyeol-"

"Oh hey Jongin, you're not asking about Kyungsoo are you?"

"No I wasn't." Jongin was slightly annoyed that Chanyeol would think that. He used to ask how Kyungsoo was, but he learned to just give up because it was hurting him more than it was hurting Chanyeol.

There was silence and then... "Really now? Well just in case you are, he's with Xiumin."

Jongin took a deep breath. "Chanyeol, how are you?"

"I'm good. I really miss you Jongin." There was a 5 second pause. "Haven't seen you in years and did you know that Kris is getting engaged? I'm so happy for him, man Tao is a lucky guy. I'm getting my masters in Physics this year and teaching credentials next month. How about you?"

Jongin knew that Chanyeol talked a lot, but it never bothered him. Chanyeol was a major science nerd and he recalled this one time Chanyeol made a stomach acid drink and dared him to pour it over his clothes. It was terrible. Jongin walked back to his desk and looked at his computer screen. "Everything's good here. Graduating next week."

"Congrats. Will you finally come pay a visit to your hometown?"

Running his fingers through his hair, Jongin couldn't exactly say that he never thought of visiting home. He wanted to but something is holding him back.

There was silence for awhile until... "Look Jongin, I know that you're still hurt by Kyungsoo after all these years, but it's time to grow up. It's time to mature and live your life and not be held back from the past because I in know you're afraid Jongin. But everything will be fine. I promise you. Dara and I will book a flight for you on July 1st okay? We need you back here. We miss you Jongin."

Jongin just hung up, and threw his phone the bed before groaning.

-The day before graduation-

"So you're leaving huh?"

Jongin was startled at the voice coming from behind him and turned to look to see Kyungsoo crossing his arms, tapping his foot and leaning on the door wall of the dance room. "Yeah. Like you said, I shouldn't be spending all of my time doing something that won't benefit my future Kyungsoo." He made emphasis on the guy's name.

Rolling his eyes, Kyungsoo snorted. "I hate to say that leaving will make things worst. You can't live without me Jongin."

The taller boy sighed and stared at the shorter boy for the longest time. "Watch me try Kyungsoo. Watch me leave your side Kyungsoo. I promise you I will be just fine."

Kyungsoo didn't seem to want any of that and unintentionally stepped closer. "You'll regret it Jongin. And that will be a promise. I'm glad you took actions because I know you're a in scaredy cat who can't do anything without someone telling him what to do. I'm so glad you took my advice but it'll be a hard a one, me not being in it. I know you Jongin. You won't even last a day without me by your side, without me leading you. Maybe you made your choice of going to Cal State Fullerton, but I promise you, you won't make it far. We've been stuck together like glue on a stick and I can't even imagine you flying across the country without me in your arms. You are practically doomed."

Jongin shook his head and grabbed his stuff, not even looking at his best friend. Because what Kyungsoo said was a lie. And it hurt him so much to think that Kyungsoo thought so lowly of him. Kyungsoo was supposed to be happy for him, but here he is, telling him that he's making the biggest mistake of his life. Leaving Kyungsoo was good for him because Kyungsoo never understood him and they were too different. They may be best friends, but their differences and opinions were like the moon and the sun.

They fought many many time before and it was usually Kyungsoo always win. Maybe Jongin is just too easy going and he let Kyungsoo win, but this time, he wanted to win. Why was winning so hard? Jongin hated the fact that Kyungsoo was too good to lose.

Kyungsoo wasn't the sweet little kid on the street nor was he best son in the world. Kyungsoo had an attitude that most people couldn't tolerate and understand. He remembered the first time they met in 2nd grade when they were playing jump rope. He made fun of Kyungsoo for being slow and Kyungsoo bet he could jump longer than he could. Kyungsoo lost the bet and refused to believe he was the loser. They gradually became closer although Kyungsoo was pretty hard to please.

Kyungsoo had never said anything so mean to him like he did right now and Jongin believed that they weren't meant to be friends anyway.

Jongin and Kyungsoo didn't talk at all on graduation and Kyungsoo was pretty pissed. He watched Jongin hug his other friends and congrat them. They locked eyes, but it never meant much. Maybe he was wrong about Jongin. Jongin would be okay without him, but would he be okay without him?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

It was a little a after five o' clock when his outgoing roommate, Baekhyun, returned from his shift at the yogurt shop from across campus. Baekhyun was only one the ten Koreans they have on campus.

"Hey Jongin, let's go get dinner. I'm starving for Panda Express."

Jongin looked up from his laptop at Baekhyun, who was wearing a big Cali hoodie; Jongin assumed it was one of his friends because Baekhyun likes to wear his friends clothing. Its not really weird anymore because Jongin now wears Baekhyun's clothing sometimes and vice versa.

"Sure Baek. Is Nicolette working today?" Jongin would admit he did have a slight crush her because she was everything that Kyungsoo wasn't, personality based. Nicolette is Chinese, extremely short and is one of his best friends. Although Nicolette wasn't her real name, she prefers it that way.

Baekhyun shrugged. "She should be."

Baekhyun can be considered Jongin's best friend because the guy is just so easy to talk to and very understanding. More than Kyungsoo ever was. Though Baekhyun is a bit loud and very social, it's how he was able to make friends throughout campus. On the other hand, Jongin is extremely popular throughout campus because of his looks and the fact that he's an icon on campus. Jongin is little a bit introverted if he would say so himself.

They arrived at the food court and Baekhyun is already shaking hand with some of the other college students while Jongin takes his time ordering. He smiles when he sees Nicolette waiting for his order, with her bright brown ombre hair and a perfect cute smile on her face. Jongin smiled back.

"Hey Jongin, what would you like today?"

"Hey Nick," Jongin said, using her nickname, "Same as always. You know the deal."

"One for Baekhyun too?"

"Beef is his life."

Nicolette chuckled. "I know that."

After they got their food, they sat down at a table in the corner.

"So are you ready to take on the next step in life?" Baekhyun asked, chewing his beef openmouthed. Baekhyun has extremely bad manners.

"Yeah. My friend wants me to return to Korea."

"Are you going to?"

"I want to, but then at the same time, I can't. Like he said, I should really move on and forget the past."

Baekhyun nodded. "Maybe you can forget the past and make new ones in Korea. I mean, I know the story about your ex-best friend and yeah, but I like to think that maybe saying hello isn't bad."

Jongin shook his head. "Korea seems so unreachable."

"Your heart is unreachable Jongin. You left your heart in Korea and now it's time to get it back." Baekhyun seems about right, but Jongin thought otherwise.

Jongin stared at Baekhyun and then took a quick glance at Nicolette from behind the counter. "Should I really go back?" He really wished he hadn't told Baekhyun.

Baekhyun smiled at him. "Korea is where you belong. You grew up in Korea like I grew up in California. You really should go back."

There was a moment of silence. Jongin believed Baekhyun was right because when was he ever wrong? Never. Out of all the years he's been with Baekhyun, Baekhyun gave amazing advice and was never wrong about what he said.

"Do you ever want to go to Korea?" Jongin slowly asked, looking up at Baekhyun.

Baekhyun looked up from his food. "Who wouldn't? I mean I am Korean and I heard great things about it too."

"Hey guys, what's up?" Nicolette popped up and startled the two boys. "I hear Korea."

Jongin smiled at her while Baekhyun took a chance to shove beef and noodles into his mouth once again. "Yeah Nick. Chanyeol asked me to visit Korea, but then I don't really want to go because you know who's there."

Nicolette nodded, making Jongin scoot over. "Oh I never told you that Kyungsoo keeps mailing to my dorm. I let you use my dorm address for other things, but it get extremely annoying with these Kyungsoo mails. Jongin, come on, don't fool him by telling Chanyeol my address."

Baekhyun glanced at Jongin. "Man, Jongin, I remembered you gave Chanyeol Anna's address and she freaked out when Kyungsoo sent only one mail. I'm telling you man, Kyungsoo is obsessed with you or at least he's obsessed with mailing you love letters that you never read."

Jongin didn't smile. "I know about those letters, but you're right, I never read them because they're all word vomit."

Both Baekhyun and Nicolette laughed. "Well then, so what are going to do then?" Nicolette asked.

It took Jongin a while to finally come up with answer. He glanced at both of his friends. "I think maybe it's time for me let go and visit Korea. We're all graduating in two weeks so I'm only asking this once, do you guys want to come to Korea?"

"I can't. My mom won't let me visit a place that'll probably brainwash me. Just kidding. I have to go to China for my summer acting classes."

Oh yeah, Nicolette was a rookie actress. "It's cool Nick. I wish you could come." I really wish.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jongin watched Nicolette help Baekhyun pack up his stuff and decided that maybe going back to Korea was not a good idea. It was a terrible idea. His phone rang he grabbed it, checking the caller ID.

Chanyeol. He picked up.

"Jongin baby, everything is all set for you. We're excited for your visit." Chanyeol seemed extremely overjoyed, Jongin thought.

"Chanyeol, I will hurt you when I come back, don't ever call me that. By the way, do you remember Baekhyun? Well yeah, he's coming too."

There was a long pause. "Baekhyun? You mean your...... roommate?" Baekhyun and Chanyeol hadn't officially met, but they know of each other. He remembered when they were video chatting and Baekhyun just interrupted and started asking Jongin questions in fluent English. Chanyeol found him annoying.

"Yeah."

"Why are you bringing him along?" Jongin can sense the contempt in his voice.

"He's my best friend. He wants to go."

"Jongin, I mean... Can he even speak Korean?"

Jongin rolled his eyes. "I forgot to mention that Baekhyun is full breed Korean and he can speak Korean. He just prefers English over Korean."

There was silence on the other end for a while. "Okay then. See you soon." Chanyeol hung up and Jongin put his phone away.

"Hey Jongin," Jongin turned to see Nicolette carrying two full white boxes of letters. "I gathered these up from my room and yours. I think you should keep these and read them. Kyungsoo seems to really miss you a lot."

Jongin shook his head. "I- No Nicole. I really don't want them."

"Then just bring them with you. Please?"

Jongin sighed. He can never say no to Nicolette. "Fine."

It was only a few hours before their flight and Jongin could feel the anxiety. He had asked Nicolette to go on a date, in which Nicolette refused to call it a date. They were out of the CSF campus and Jongin brought Nicolette to an Ice-Cream Shop. They've been on 'dates' before, but this felt different. Maybe because he won't be able to see her in real life as much. He'll really miss her. Nicolette was just someone he grew used to because of her perky personality and sweetness.

"You know, just remember to Skype with me everyday. I'll get bored without you guys there."

Jongin chuckled. "Of course. Just remember to do more movies. I'll be really happy if I had a famous best friend."

She smiled. And that was why Jongin liked her. Her smiled was the most beautiful thing.

When they went back to get Baekhyun, Baekhyun was locking lips with Anna. Anna and Baekhyun had a thing, but they weren't really together. Anna was Nicolette's roommate and best friend. Anna was even shorter than Nicolette and she was Korean too.

Nicolette had decided to break them apart by banging on the door. The two broke apart instantly and Baekhyun narrowed his eyes at them.

"Time to go lovers," Nicolette smiled at them and Jongin chuckled.

Once Baekhyun and Jongin had everything in the car, Nicolette drove them all the way to the airport. She seemed like she didn't want to say goodbye and Anna was dreading it.

"I hope you guys have fun in Korea. I'll really miss you both." She gave then each tights hugs and a peck on the cheek.

Jongin smiled at her and kissed her forehead. Anna and Baekhyun kissed one last time before they had to board the plane.

Once they were on the plane, Jongin could feel the adrenaline pumping in his veins. He was nervous. It's been years since he's been in Korea and he didn't know what to do. But one thing was for sure; he didn't want to see Kyungsoo.

They both slept on the plane for a few hours. Baekhyun was playing on his iPad when Jongin woke up.

"Hey Jongin."

"Hey Baek. Did you eat yet?"

Baekhyun nodded, going back to play on his iPad. "Yeah. They brought us food and I ate yours. Sorry."

Jongin shrugged. "I realized we have to visit my parents too. I haven't seen them face to face except the times when I skyped with them."

"Well they'll be happy to see you," Baekhyun uttered, distractedly.

Once they arrived at the airport, Jongin scanned his eyes around to to see Chanyeol. When he saw him, standing tall and wearing a stylish blue jacket near the entrance. He had noticed that Chanyeol looked the same, maybe a bit taller, but the same. Black hair, big eyes, plump lips, fashionable style which was weird for a science geek, and tall lean figure. When they approached him, Chanyeol seemed a little taken aback but smiled when he realized it was Jongin and his friend. He hugged Jongin.

"Can't believe you're here Jongin. Long time no see." Jongin smiled at Chanyeol and returned his hug. Chanyeol even smelled the same.

"Miss you too. And this is Baekhyun," he patted Baekhyun's shoulder. "Baekhyun, this is Chanyeol."

Baekhyun looked at Chanyeol, not even trying to hide the fact that he was obviously checking the guy out and held his hand out. "Hi Chanyeol. How do you do?" So he does speak Korean, Chanyeol thought.

Chanyeol glanced at Jongin, but he just shrugged. "How do I do? I'm good. How do you do Baekhyun?"

"Great actually."

Chanyeol nodded and turned to Jongin. "Ready guys? We're going to go to my place."

"Does everyone else know I'm here?" Jongin asked while they were walking.

"Not really. Like no one because it's really your job to surprise them and not me. Kyungsoo would be so happy to see you, I think you should really surprise him. He told me he sent letters but you never wrote back."

Jongin shook his head. "I didn't need to write back. If he expected I would, he doesn't know me very well."

Once they arrived at Chanyeol's place, Chanyeol lives in a mansion and have the two boys pick a room. "You guys can pick a room and put your stuff there."

"Chanyeol, are you sure we can stay here? Where's Dara?" Dara was Chanyeol long term girlfriend, they've been together for 7 years.

"She's at work. She'll be happy to see you again. I mean, who wouldn't? You left us without really saying why."

"Thank you Chanyeol for letting us stay here."

Chanyeol smiled. "No problem. Want a tour of the house or not?"

Baekhyun and Jongin glanced at each other. "Nah."

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

"What the do you want Chanyeol? I'm in the middle of recording a song-"

"Get over here or I'll burn your stuff. I want you to see someone."

Kyungsoo groaned over the phone and pulled his headphones out of the way. "Who is the is it? If you tell me it's Jongin again I will kill you. I hate it when you get my hopes up er."

He could hear Chanyeol chuckling on the other side. "But I'm not lying. He is here. And he looks fantastic."

"Don't lie to me Chanyeol." Okay maybe Kyungsoo was crazy to think Chanyeol wasn't lying. For the past five years, he believed everything that came out of Chanyeol's mouth about Jongin was true. He was a total mess about Jongin.

"I didn't tell him I was calling you. Anyways, see you here in 2 hours baby boy."

Kyungsoo was insane for sure because Jongin's name was engraved in his heart. He regretted hurting him and tried to show he was sorry through those letters. He was mad when Jongin never reply and it killed him. He quickly cleaned up and walked out of the recording room. He was recording a song for a company he was working for.

"Where are you going?" Kyungsoo turned to see Suho walking up to him from his office.

"Oh hey Suho. Chanyeol told me Jongin's back. Can you believe that?" Suho made a funny face but didn't say anything and Kyungsoo bit his lips. It was just to good to be true. He said goodbye to him and then he walked out of the building. He was pretty sure Suho was still watching him from afar.

He got home as soon as possible and changed his clothes. He wanted to look nice because it was Jongin. He wore a nice tight black shirt and jeans. Oh who was he kidding. He doesn't know anything about looking nice for someone. And it was just Jongin. His used-to-be-best-friend. Chanyeol better not be lying this time.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

a/n-

I am sorryy this is terrible. After months of just trying write this when I haven't finished my other year long fics.