I Once Fell in Love With a Boy

by Lee Jaehwan

I once fell in love with a boy.

The one and only time my heart broke

Upon an ordinary face among many. I'd choke

On his breath calling my name in coy.

His enriched, magnified, mesmerized voice

Reverberated from the deepest valley of oaks.

His concave soul's windows chortled always and shook

My world and his world of words - a pen poised.

Unstartled. Fearless. Open.

Careful. Inquisitive. Quiet.

Every loving touch I questioned:

"Girls? Boys? Girls?" The pain sharpened.

If he noticed, it was done sans riot.

Completed was the benevolence affection.

A ing sonnet! Just how desperate can you be, Lee Jaehwan?! He gripped on the innocent paper a little too hard, some of the cheesy words already smudged. Jaehwan flopped his head this way and that against the back of the bench, his wide neurotic smile scared any students passing by on campus ground. “A boy.” Jaehwan bit his lips. At least he was one fine young man. Would this boy know that Jaehwan was in danger? With him, Jaehwan had everything he need and he was on the edge of losing everything he had. His heart beat faster when he thought about him, disregarding any normal logic. His senses fine tuned to the world around him. The air was sweeter. The birds harmonized. The blossom trees rustled soothingly. The sun was basking him in a warm glow without the glare. His imagination sharpened too, seeing him undressing and dressing the next best party outfit for the night. He could be glueing to his laptop too. Two handsome brows merged into one, scrutinized over his Oscar-worthy script. He was most likely doing both at the same time. He was Jaehwan’s love. He could do everything.

A big hand roughly shoved Jaehwan head to one side. He instinctively retreated his hand that held the poem under the stone desk, "Don't do that again, Ravi. It hurt!" though he was protesting, his satisfied smile invited another ruffle to his soft brown hair. Before he’d met Ravi, Jaehwan would take precarious time to spike and gel his hair every morning. But ever since Ravi was around, styling his hair became bothersome. He felt more and more like a pitiable puppy waiting to be pet by his owner. He almost hated himself for thinking like a dog. Ravi slid his hand behind his ear. Oh, God. His hand felt so good! He really hated himself.

"So what's up, darling?" Ravi wiggled his eyebrows, trying to be funny. Jaehwan suppressed a stupid laugh, just to prove that he's not desperate. "Or should I ask: what's down?" He bent over to peek at what's Jaehwan was hiding.

"Go away, you !" Jaehwan faked a girlish shrill, his face crimson. "What about you?"

Ravi moved away, "I'm going to drive down to my place."

"Let’s go! We still have to beat the game!" Jaehwan mentally slapped himself for sounding too eager. Secretly, he was still fazed by the fact that Ravi was all his.

Ravi shoved his hands in his pockets, hesitating, "I'm not going back to my home. I'm going to my secret place."

Jaehwan was now intrigued, "Oh. Sounds good."

Ravi hit his head lightly, "What part of 'secret place' do you not understand? I’m going by myself."

Jaehwan looked downtrodden, maybe he even subconsciously pouted a little, because Ravi sighed, "Fine. You can come too."

"Yes!" Jaehwan quickly shoved everything in his backpack before Ravi could take his words back.

They walked side by side, almost stuck together like Twix. Ravi asked him about his day in unnecessary whisper, blowing air into his already flushed ears. He grinned upon noticing Jaehwan become flustered. In return, he rewarded Ravi a pleasant eye smile. No one would argue that they were not lovely boyfriends.

The 1999 Honda Civic bumped along the winding road surrounding a lush hill. Jaehwan, on his worn-out passenger seat, rolled the window all the way down. The weather was getting warmer as spring was crawling away and summer was creeping in.

Ravi took a side glance at the sweating Jaehwan, "Too bad the air con doesn't work." His expression was apologetic.

"It's okay," the wind messed up Jaehwan’s hair to the extent that his eyes were covered, only his pearl-white smile was visible, "Nothing really works in your car anyway." The static emitted from the radio compartment got louder, validating his point.

Ravi pinched his firm forearm, "What are you talking about?  Close your eyes, Whannie," he nudged Jaehwan again until he did as he'd said.

Another gust of strong wind blasted the rusty car. Jaehwan cracked his eyes open and saw Ravi's side of window was also rolled down. Jaehwan shivered when all of the windows were down. He spreaded his arms. The wind glided past his trembling body. He was flying down the fast lane.

The throaty laugh from Ravi was lost to the wind,  "Welcome to my new sport car! It’s nine-hundred ninety nine dollar!" he hollered. Then his fingers started drumming the steering wheel. "Listen! My favourite song is on!"

The two whipped their hair to the imaginary AC/DC song. The car roof closed above their heads.  They cruised  down to Ravi's secret place like a couple of crackheads.

The illusion was done to perfection when Ravi brushed his hand over Jaehwan's. It lingered. It stayed. It affirmed. It retreated. As if it never happened. Jaehwan laughed along, watching his handsome profile that smiled, his bleach blond hair undone. Jaehwan too was unravelling. Little by little.

Jaehwan held onto Ravi's hand while trying to trek through the thick undergrowth in the wood. The low branches proved to be the greatest obstacles for the two giants as each step was into the muddy ground. The air was mixed with damp soil and something wild, like animal feces. Something bloody. Something sinister. Jaehwan shivered. Ravi's back had a shadow hovering him. The shadow seemed threatening. The crowding plants did not ease Jaehwan's nervousness either. Ravi turned, flashed him a reassuring smile that lasted a brief second. Jaehwan's steps grew firmer, more assertive. He would follow Ravi wherever they went. No question asked.

At one point in their hike, Jaehwan gave into his sluggish speed. He let Ravi pull  him along to somewhere less claustrophobic. Ravi grunted from the extra weight, but he never once complained. The quickened breaths were in sync. Steps unmatched, but somehow, Ravi made it all work and brought them back to safety. The  two arrived at the heart of the forest, where the shrubs and trees mapped out widely across the floor. By now they were panting. They gazed upward to the ambiguous canopy, half shielding the late afternoon sun. Dusk was approaching, but they were not stopping. They were determine to beat time. The sound of water hitting rocks streamed to their ears. By the alive river, the air was colder. Wordlessly, Ravi plopped down onto a damp log and fished out a notebook and a pen from his knapsack. As soon as he found the page, he was the single living soul on Earth.

Jaehwan wandered off on his own when it was evidence that Ravi was ignoring any distractions. Jaehwan kicked off his shoes and socks. His whole body trembled in delight when his feet hit the freezing surface. He waddled to a large smooth rock to settle on. There, he sat, admiring Ravi from afar. He was absorbed in his passion, brows knitted in concentration. It was irrefutable that Ravi valued his world of words more than Jaehwan. But Jaehwan did not mind. All good writers needed to love their creations like their own flesh and blood, right? Besides, Ravi was the most charming while working.

What about Jaehwan? What did he want to do? Nothing, except watching Ravi for as long as he could without worrying for himself. Before the black dog would sit on his beating heart and told him “no, you can’t love him.” Jaehwan whipped his head away towards the water when Ravi looked up from his notebook. It's all cool, bro. I'm not a hopelessly in love! Jaehwan told his disturbed reflection. The corner of his lips would not stay upside down. He buried his stupid grinning face in his hands. The bright smiley face was so extremely rare that it intimidated Jaehwan. When was the last time he was in an euphoria? Not because of a guy, obviously. Jaehwan's lips tugged downward. Not like any girls had made him feel this great either. Everything Jaehwan had known and confident about was erased the moment Ravi walked into the party, and into Jaehwan's life. Before his magical appearance, Jaehwan could not have imagined burying his face into a man's chest and holding onto his waist lovingly. With Ravi, he could play out any romantic scenarios frame-by-frame in his mind, though he would not dare to make his fantasy into reality. He was too inexperienced. But what about now? When they were in a forest that was isolated from civilization? Whatever they did, no one besides themselves would have to know. Jaehwan face flushed. He put a foot down into the shameless water. He glanced at Ravi, luckily, he was still lost in his own little world. Jaehwan hopped from his spot.

Barefooted, Jaehwan settled down besides Ravi. He peeked over to his quick scribbling. Ravi rotated his body away inch by inch the closer Jaehwan was. His arms protected his notebooks from prying eyes.

"What kind of story are you working on?" asked Jaehwan.

Ravi shrugged, "It’s a secret."

Jaehwan pursed his lips in contempt. He watched him scribble some more, getting away  from him.

Jaehwan shuffled to the other end of the log. He picked up a pebble and threw it towards the open space. The only sound was the rock hit the ground. He hated to relate that sound to their relationship.

Ravi closed his notebook. He looked to Jaehwan who was sitting a way off, he slid closer, "I bet you didn't know this place exists." His arm hung lightly across Jaehwan’s hip.

Jaehwan returned a faint smile, "No. I didn’t."

Ravi bumped his fist against Jaehwan's temple, "Pabo, how could you not know? It's on your school map."

"Aigoo,” Jaehwan clamped his hand over Ravi’s jaw. He squeezed and molded his pointy chin playfully,  “ You're too good at finding secret places!  Do you have any places like that at your school? Any pretty girls you’ve brought there?"

“No. Never,” Ravi caught his hand that touched his face. “You’re the only one who knows.”

Jaehwan withdrew his hand, broke contact with his shining eyes.

"Besides, I like it here the best."

Jaehwan was about to ask why, but he did not want to meet those eyes that were filled with expectation. For something that Jaehwan could not give. Jaehwan also  liked to think that he was the reason why he loved this place… His eyelids grew heavy when the dusk began its descent. Only, his eyes were pried open again upon feeling something weighing down on his lap. Ravi had his eyes shut already, his mouth slightly hanging open, ever so inviting. Jaehwan bent down, inhaling his exhaust. His face was so near... their lips would touch if Jaehwan leaned closer… Ravi yawned. Jaehwan fell back, trying to give off an aura of nonchalance.

Ravi sprung straight up, "Let's go, pabo.  It's getting late."

If Ravi noticed what Jaehwan had attempted earlier, he did not acknowledge it. He pulled Jaehwan's outstretched hand instead and held onto his hand. They trekked back the way they had came in disappointed silence.

***

I Once Fell out of Love With a Boy

By Lee Jaehwan

I once fell out of love with a boy -

Washed out, insignificant, among all the hotties.

What was I thinking, really?

The ugly devil possessed me. I had no choice.

His hoarse voice!

His smile creepy!

Out of sight, I rejoice.

Who did he think he was, really?!

Being a shut-in, shutting me out to my own device.

I called once.

Twice.

Tears fell thrice.

If he noticed, he ignored.

If I yelled, he laughed.

No longer was he considerate.

Incoming call...

"Hey! Ravi?"

female voice echoed the room.

My calls were forever in the forgotten box:

"Hey! Ravi?"

"I'm busy."

"Sorry."

Another incoming call…

“Hey! Ravi is at my party right now. Wanna come?”

I slammed my phone down hard. It cracked.

Like my heart.

The Petrarchan sonnet had embarked its bitter journey at first, following the appropriate rhyme scheme and structure. Half way through, the poem took another form. It was disjointed, stripped out of the pretense of its classiness, left was the raw reality. No flowery words could paint a bright, joyous coat over his wounds. The damage was plainly written on the vulnerable piece of paper. Jaehwan wrapped his cold fingers around the colder coffee cup. The rain splattered against the coffee shop window was less resounding than his pounding heart. He glanced out of the dark glass, expecting nothing. If anything came, it would be his everything. He got up to leave the half-empty shop when the sky was navy blue. The door jingled. Jaehwan halted. Ravi showed his smile. The barista responded his deceit, charmed and took his order. The girl at Ravi’s arm pouted disgustingly, complaining about the overprice drinks. He pinched her cheek, oh-so-affectionately, then his gaze landed on the shrinking Jaehwan. Jaehwan curtly nodded, the smile forced. Now he had acknowledged Ravi’s presence, Jaehwan snuck past the couple as quickly as possible without having to look at the girl.

Sharp air cut  his hot face. Jaehwan sped down the road.

“Jaehwannie!”

He kept walking.

The sound of hurried footsteps banged on the back of his head.

Ravi walked in front of him. He caught the lanky boy by the arms, “Why are you running away from me?”

“I-” he was huffing, and an explanation was buffering. He must have acted very strange in Ravi’s eyes, but he had to get away from him and that girl, or else he would die. Jaehwan tried wrenching his arms from his grip. Ravi dug his nails deeper, making him wince in pain. “Let go of me!” his voice stern. He could not run away from him any longer. He could not nurse the lovesick poems alone any longer. “Why can’t I run away now when you were running away from me all the time?!” An accusing finger already pointed at Ravi. Too late. Already too late. Words would not turn back.

“I-” it was Ravi’s turn to be speechless, “-I’m sorry.”

Jaehwan bit his lower lips, trying to keep his tears at bay. An apology was not needed; an explanation was. “You’re having too much fun socializing with other girls. You forgot about me.”

Ravi took off his snapback, and put it back on again - a nervous habit of his. “She’s just a close dongsaeng. Don’t think too much about it.”

Jaehwan spun on his heels. He was already sick of hearing excuses after hearing it once. So she was the one whom Ravi had brought to the forest? She was the one who was grinding him at parties? She was the reason why he never called? She was the reason why he lied to him?

Ravi was running after him again. Only, he was too frustrated to catch up with him, “What’s your problem, Lee Jaehwan?! It’s not like we’re dating! Why are you acting out?!”

Jaehwan covered his ears, turning a blind eye to reality, and ran.

***

“I Once Fell in Love With a-”

A strangled sound, followed by a gasp. The pen dropped. The words would be true once they hit the paper. It would be a solid-hard evidence against all Jaehwan’s fantasy. No. It couldn’t be! Words were lies, especially on paper. Especially on papers that were out of the legal boundary. He would pour his wishful thinking onto the paper, praying they would never come true:

I Once Fell in Love With a Straight Boy

By Lee Jaehwan

“Hey, bro. Wanna hang?”

A phrase repeated, common-place, meaningless -

It meant a world to me.

“You can’t be best friends, unless we all think that you’re going gay for each other.

And you are.”

A comment rare, inappropriate, profound -

It meant a world to me.

He would caress  my hand sometimes, when no ghosts were watching.

He would cuddle to my side  sometimes, when only us were watching.

He would sniff my neck sometimes, when only me was watching.

He would whistle at a pretty girl passing by, when only him was watching.

The whole world witnessed him fistbump me.

The whole world saw him slap my back.

The whole world heard him call me BFF.

Best friend forever.

Best.

Friend.

Forever.

Best.

Friend.

Jaehwan left the poem hastily. He did not know where this fantasy would go. The story would never go past the word “friend”. He ripped the poem out of his notebook. And another page about being gay. And another. One more page about being a real man was torn off. To Hell with all of his personal gay issues! Who would care if Jaehwan likes boys instead of  girls when there were civil wars in the Middle East? Who would care if his first crush on a guy likes girls when the economic growth was less than the expected rate? Who would care if he didn’t like the fact that he likes boys when the antibiotic-reliance meat will kill us all one day? Jaehwan stuffed the crumbled pages back between the cover. He flung it to the top of his bookshelf. Out of sight. Out of mind.

He sobbed.

***

Ravi read past the word “friend.”

The poem came from the bottom of Jaehwan’s heart lied on the coffee table, free for any stranger who did not care for Jaehwan to prey upon. His feeling became more vulnerable out in the open because of him. His love for Ravi was raw without any pretense.

Ravi hid. He hid in the darkest place where his true feeling for him could never reach. He shouldn't have been afraid of something fragile that won’t attack him; ironically he did. Unlike in fantasy, his mistake will haunt him for the rest of his life. Why didn't Jaehwan realized that? Ravi refused to let anything terrible to plague their pure love.

Their love cannot turn into a mistake.

Ravi tried hard to protect him.

He crushed him even more.

***

I Once Fell in Love with a Stupid Boy

By Ravi

Friend.

Boyfriend.

Boyfriends.

Why can’t he see the plural attached?

Girls.

Boys.

Girls.

Why can’t he see me as I am?

Useless es.

Useless genders.

Useless avoidances.

Useless fights.

I am useless in front of him.

My knees go down.

Without defense, I question too:

Girls?

Boys?

Girls?

Will he love me if I’m a

Girl?

Boys

Are whom he likes.

Why can’t he make up his mind?

We chase around like cat and mice.

Around the question of

Girls.

Boys.

Girls.

“You’re telling me that I’m stupid,” his last words haunted Jaehwan. He forgot to smile in front of his beloved Ravi. He forgot the word “love”.

Ravi bounced on the balls of his feets on Jaehwan doorstep, “Uh, huh."

“You fell in love with me.”

“Uh, huh."

“But you didn’t tell me.”

“You didn’t either.”

Jaehwan sighed, “Fair enough.”

Ravi shortened the gap between them. Tentatively, he wrapped his arms around him. “I didn’t know that you like too. Ouch!” The heavy blow in his back stung.  “It’s not my fault that you were being so ambiguous about your feeling! What if I creeped you out? What if I disgusted you?"

Jaehwan tenderly smoothed his achy back, “Same. I knew my feeling for sure when I saw you with that girl. And I was jealous of that girl because of a guy. Queer, huh?”

They laughed, still having their arms around each other. “Me too. I knew you like me after that night; I found the corniest poem dedicated to me on the table you left… I swear, she was really just a dongsaeng!”

“She better be. Or else you owe me a love poem everyday.”

“Everyday?"

“Everyday.”

His lips. His scent of peppermint and salt lingered on his tongue. It was unlike any other girls’. It was unlike any other boys’. It tasted just like Ravi. It tasted perfect on his chapped lips.

Jaehwan once fell in love with Ravi - his first love. And he fell for him too.

Author's note: This sweet little nonsense is for all Raven shippers!! <3 Who knew the ship that would sail on one fine day would be those idiots??? Goddammit they're so touchy. ><

Please subscribe, comment, upvote if you liked this little Raven story! See you soon, hopefully! Thanks for reading!

P.S. Super stoked for Boy's Record. Can't wait to hear Memories!