Everyday, I would write him a note. Actually, scratch out note. It was more of a letter. All right, so everyday I would write him a letter during my first hour study hall. Sure, I could have stayed home to sleep for an extra hour. Or maybe spend even more time choosing the perfect outfit and doing my hair and make up, but what can I say? He was more important.
 

It was the same routine every morning: wake up, make myself look perfect before walking to school where, like clockwork, Jonghyun would be waiting for me to walk him to his first class--music theory. Then I go to study hall and write the daily letter, the subject of the letter changed all the time. Sometimes I would go on for a few pages about some show that I found or some movie. Other days they’d be short messages of me questioning the importance of my existence. Of course that’s not my way of saying that there was some hidden dark past or anything, just off days when I didn’t understand why I was alive. I always folded the note into a small envelope before drawing a key on the back.
 

It was like a signature, it erased any doubt in his and my mind that these notes were written by anyone else. I knew he didn’t read them though, I knew he just stuck them in a pouch in his backpack where all of the other notes went, but oddly enough it didn’t bother me. I, Kim Kibum, was totally at peace with my best friend ignoring the notes I wrote. I eventually didn’t even worry that he would decide to read them on some sort of whim, so I didn’t hold back any thoughts in them. I think they became some form of therapy to me. I would write about anything that came to mind. I could write the things I always wanted to tell him that I couldn’t bring myself to say to his face.
 

Jonghyun always teased me about the notes though. He said that if he didn’t know better he’d think I was flirting with him. I’d always ignore it though, even if in the letters I told him how I felt, I couldn’t do it to his face. God knows I couldn’t have told a potato how I felt.
 

I knew he didn’t read the notes so it was okay, what I said in them. It was how I came to terms with my own thoughts. I was walking to school one morning to walk Jonghyun to class while I was thinking of what to write about that day. I’d been going on a little bit of a trend lately of telling him stories of when we were younger. I’d decided on telling him about the day I’d noticed that I felt something for him beyond what I’d grown used to.
We’d gone to the pool and were laying in the grass talking when he’d brought up some girl who’d moved in down the street. I’ll never forget the way my heart felt like it was going to rip in half when he kept talking about how beautiful she was, how he wanted to ask her out sometime. He asked me for advice. Of course being a good friend was the most important thing on my mind, so I did give him advice. Apparently I was good at the whole advice-giving thing because they ended up dating for a total of 19 weeks and 3 days. Those were 19 weeks and 3 days of me pretending to be excited and happy for him even if I felt like I was dying inside
 

I think it was the memory of the pain that made me stop in the middle of the street for a moment to shake the thought out of my head. God, that was a stupid decision. I mean, did I even think about where I was? Well I sure as hell thought about it when I noticed the headlights growing brighter around me. I don’t know what the driver of the car was doing but the obviously didn’t notice me until it was too late either. I don’t think I made a sound when the car slammed into me throwing me into the air, I just know everything went white. I heard the sirens and everything I just couldn’t react. I felt numb all over; there was nothing but light and sound. Then everything faded away to blackness.

 

Jonghyun's PoV

Everyday Kibum would give me a note without fail. He would hand the fold the piece of pink paper and give it to me during our math class. He would smirk as I put it in the pouch in my backpack I had just for his notes. I never read them; it wasn’t that I’d meant to ignore the notes or anything, I swear. I just never did. I always told myself that I’d sit down one night and read them all. I never did though. I don’t think Key really minded anyway. He’d never mention anything that could be written in them. I’m probably a ty friend for not bothering with reading them.
The notes made me strangely happy--even if I didn’t know what they said. Hell, for all I knew they could just be Key pointing out every one of my flaws--of which there was no shortage as far as he was concerned--but still. Maybe it was the thought that he would take the time everyday to write me a note and give it to me, that he’d use his morning to think of me. He really was the best friend I’d ever have.

 Every morning he would come to school early just to walk with me to my first class. He could have been sleeping or doing something interesting with his mornings, but he chose to go to study hall after walking me to class.
 

About four months into the school year though, Kibum didn’t come to our meeting point in the morning. I had to run to class so I wouldn’t be late because I waited for him to show up. I found it weird, of course, but just thought he’d overslept or something. Maybe he’d decided that staying home and extra hour was worth more than walking me to my music theory class. When he wasn’t in math I brushed it off as him getting sick, I shot him a quick text asking if he was okay or wanted me to swing by later with his favorite soup and some movies.
 

When Key didn’t reply I got a little worried again. Key was the type of person to always have his phone with him even when he was asleep, and he rarely ignored texts when there was an offer of food attached, and when I say rarely, I mean never.
If I were to say I didn’t walk as fast as possible without running to Kibum’s when the final bell rang, I’d be a liar. I’d still be a liar if I said I didn’t panic when no one was at Kibum’s house. Key wasn’t the type of person to leave without saying anything. Like a normal sane person, I sprinted home to see if the Kim’s had told my parents anything. I succeeded in getting home after falling on my face no less than 5 times, and a 6^th once I got into my house.

I found my family sitting on the couch of the living room; I should have known something was wrong right then. I think my parents said I passed out when they told me that there was an accident and Kibum was in a coma. I don’t really know, I don’t remember much of the first day; just a lot of crying.
I stayed in my room for about a day and a half, I didn’t eat, didn’t sleep, I just cried.

On the third day it hit me, I hadn’t gone to see him yet. My best friend was in the hospital and I’d been moping around like a ing baby. He’d been in there for almost 72 hours and I hadn’t even thought of going to see him. I really am a piece of friend. A car hits my best friend, and I spend almost 3 days just feeling bad for myself.

It took me less than 3 minutes before I was out the door and walking to the hospital. I hadn’t even taken time to shower let alone change out of my sweats and hoodie that I’d been wearing since I’d come to in my room on the first day. I guess part of me that was always prepped for school gave into habit and slung my backpack over my shoulder.

The second I walked into the quiet building, it seemed like the staff had been waiting for me. They didn’t even have to ask who I was before leading me to Key’s room. I don’t know what I expected to see, but I’m pretty sure and unconscious Key covered in tubes, wires, casts, bandages, and bruises was not it. I don’t know where his family was but that wasn’t really even a thought that occurred to me as I sat down next to Key. A heart monitor beeped obnoxiously next to me, I couldn’t have cared less.

I guess I fell asleep next to Key at some point because when I woke up I had been moved to the small tan couch in the corner of the room. I had an unearthly need to pee so I tried to stumble over to the bathroom as quickly as possible, which of course ended up with me getting my foot caught in a partially ped section of my backpack and me falling on my face. I’m graceful as hell, aren’t I? I blame Onew for my lack of ability to walk like a normal human. He has a contagious condition. Whatever though. I stared at that bag for what had to have been at least 15 minutes, hoping that it would just burst into flames. Well that’s what it deserved anyway, I thought as I pulled myself back up.

Once I’d left the bathroom I walked over to the dumb uncomfortable metal chair. Wasn’t the point of chairs in hospital rooms for people to sit and enjoy the damn company of some poor sick person? I hated whatever deity had it out for Key, I mean why else would it cause Key to suffer? After a good bought of self-pity and anger at the world I pulled my face up from where it had mysteriously landed in my hands. My eyes fell on to a splash of color on the white floor, a pink color to be precise. I guess my trip had managed to spill the notes Key had put so much time in to writing all over the floor. I felt like utter for being so careless with them. I went over to pick them up and drug the bag over by the chair, suddenly hating it a lot less. I always said I’d take the time to read them, so why not while I was sitting with the boy who’d written them? Plucking one from the bottom of the bag I admired the way Kibum taken his time on each fold and line on the paper before carefully opening it and starting to read.

Jjong you’re such an . I mean why is it every time you get to pick the movie for movie night you just have to pick a horror movie, don’t you? Whatever I guess I don’t mind that much. But I gotta say I feel like you pick them just so I’ll end up practically hiding behind you. Pfft yeah right… I guess I’m just full of wishful thinking, aren’t I? But I’m definitely happy you started going to the gym again…
                                                                      #7

I smiled to myself as I remembered all the nights that had been spent with Key holding on to me and dragging me to stand out side of the bathroom because he was scared of whatever monster the movie had put into his head. With the same smile on my face I continued to the next paper I grabbed.

Jjong, You know I’m actually kind of happy you don’t read these notes. I mean it’s like that trick to relieve anger where you just write out a letter to who ever you’re mad at and then never give it to them, except I am giving it to the person causing my issues. It’s not like I’m mad at you or anything I swear I’m not mad at you. There’s nothing you could really do about my problems. So I guess I have to forgive you…At least until I can finally tell you how I feel.
                                                          #163
I paused after reading the note. Key had a problem that I was the cause of? He’d never shown any sign of stress or discomfort around me.  Sighing and looking at Kibum’s face I grabbed another note, this one slightly rougher in the folds and more worn.

Dear Jonghyun,
God it feels weird to be writing this but I was reading this really cute book I’d found at my Grandma’s and thought I’d follow the story and see what happens. So pretty much I’m going to bring you one note everyday of my life, or at least until I can tell you something that I’ve been meaning to for around a year now. All right well I’ll write you again tomorrow.
#1                   
Key

I couldn’t help the sudden curiosity that filled me at the mention of some secret Kibum had been keeping from me. I’d always said that Kibum wore his heart on his sleeve, I knew when he was happy, sad, embarrassed, but to think that I’d missed something for over a year was a surprise. I’d always thought I’d known everything about the boy. Setting a hand in his dyed hair I grabbed the notes reading one by one. They only got more and more confusing though.

#5-Jjong I’m sorry I cant tell you yet. You really deserve to know I feel so wrong not telling you.

#14- I came out to my family they all accepted me. The only thing that could make me happier is if I could tell you, but I’m scared.

#20- I really think I’m in love, It’s the most liberating feeling Jjong I hope you can feel it someday.

#34- Wow I really have bad taste in guys don’t I? I fell for the biggest fool in the universe. He’s so dumb can’t he tell how much I love him?

#40- I’m going to say it soon I swear Jjong. I’m going to say how I feel.
#42- You really never read my notes do you? Oh well I guess it’s for the better right puppy boy?

#64- I don’t know what I’d do without you.

#85- You should ask that girl in your science class out. I see the way you look at her, and trust me it’s no fun hiding your feelings. Good luck

#87- I’m proud of you for asking her out but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell you when you’re this happy with her. I’d just mess everything up.

#91- I want to tell you so much it hurts, but I know I can’t, not when I see how happy you are with her. Don’t worry though I’ll get over it eventually.

#111- They call this a lucky number to wish on right? Well I’m not so sure about that but I guess it’s worth a shot. I wish I were brave enough to tell you.

The notes always said the same thing it was always Kibum saying he wanted to tell me something or about some mystery love. I don’t know how it took me all the way to note #115 to understand.

#115- I love you Kim Jonghyun. I can’t say it to your face yet, but I’ve been thinking about life. You know we never do know when things can end do we? I just don’t know if I could ever forgive myself for not saying it in some way. I hope you still don’t read these.

#119- I don’t know why I even bother with these notes. There’s no point. I can write to you all I want I’ll still never be able to tell you how I feel. I don’t know if I can stop writing either.

Tears burned in my eyes as I read on.

#126- I’ve decided, I’m going to do it. Jjong please just wait one more week and I’ll finally be able to look you in the eyes and say how much I love you I’ll be able to explain how you make my days brighter by just existing, I hope I don’t mess this up.

Tears were steadily falling as I picked up the final note  #134 I could feel my hands shaking as I opened it.

Jjong I got it all planned out, I’m going to do it after school tomorrow. I’m going to ask you to go into town with me, to which you will happily join me. I want to spend the after noon together maybe we can visit that music store, I want to hear you play once more before you think I’m disgusting and never want to talk to me again. I don’t expect you to be very happy about how I feel either. I just can’t hide it anymore.

My entire body was shaking as I cried, how had I been so stupid. Everyday Key would give me a note filled with his heart and I just ignored it. I felt like an idiot. I still feel like an idiot. I just remembered his small smile that would show as he gave me the notes.

I didn’t know how I was supposed to feel. How could I have been so horrible to him? Always going to him and telling him about the girls I found attractive, and when I needed advice on how to ask them out. God he’d always been there for me. Always listening to my ridiculous dreams, the short songs I’d write (always giving his honest opinions on them), never questioning how clingy I could get.

I thought about Kibum a lot as I sat in that room putting the notes one by one into my bag. I thought about how his eyes would light up, bow lips pulling into a smile when he was asked about clothes. I thought about how he would lay out in the grass with me and look at the stars even though he would complain endlessly about mosquitos eating him alive. I thought about how he was constantly changing his hair saying how he didn’t like to let it get boring. Kibum was my best friend in the world. Kibum meant the world to me.

I didn’t know how to react to the thought of Kibum loving me though. I’d always pictured myself getting married to a beautiful girl and having children while I worked as a musician. I didn’t know what to do, so I just did what felt natural and pulled a notebook and pen from my bag.

Note 1
Dear Kibum,
 I don’t know what to say or do, you feel so far away even though I’m looking at you. You look like crap by the way. You’d throw and utter hissy fit if you could see yourself. You look so broken. It’s only been a few days since the accident, but it feels like years. I hope you wake up soon.
Jonghyun

I came back every day after school for a long time, longer than I’d like to admit. Everyday I’d sit next to Key and write a note for him, folding them just like he used to and numbering them. Numbering the days until he would wake up.

I don’t know when but at some point I grew comfortable of living out my life with Key. Then I was more than just okay with it; I wanted it to be real. I wanted a life where Key and I could go out and see the city and be together before going home to lay in each other’s arms. No need for words. Eventually my heart felt like it would burst every time I saw him.
I told him in all of my letters.
I told him how much I wanted him to wake up.
He didn’t, no matter how many deities I asked for help.
I knew I’d wait forever if I had to.
Eventually I started to doubt that he would wake up. The school year had ended long ago, Key made no signal that he planned on waking up.
The doctors slowly removed the casts and bandages over time. The pile of notes I’d been leaving had slowly grown with the days. 238 so far, each begging him to wake up, telling him I missed him. In time they told the story of how I loved him.

Note # 253
My parents are worried about me. They say I spend too much time here with you. They’re probably right. I’m scared though, what if I leave and something else happens to you? I’ll keep coming as long as it takes for you to get better. I’ve started lying to them to keep them from fussing. I say I’m going to Minho’s to play video games, or going to a party with Jinki, sometimes I’ll just say Taemin has a dance recital. I don’t think they believe me though. They don’t talk about it anymore though so I guess it’s okay.
Kibum please, please wake up, I miss you so much.

After almost a year the doctors started to question if Key would ever wake up. They said he hadn’t made any progress since he’d arrived. I started to talk to him more though. They said that a familiar voice might draw him out of his coma; I thought anything would be worth a shot.
The nurses were used to seeing me. They didn’t even bother to ask me to sign in. They just let me walk up to Key’s room. Sometimes I’d bring my guitar and sing for him. He used to tease me saying my singing was flat and obnoxious. I knew he loved it though, he’d told me too many times to count in his notes.
Some days when I’d sing and talk to him I’d swear his eyes would flicker under closed lids, or that I heard a soft sigh. I hoped it wasn’t just me being overly hopeful.

 

Ending One

It had been 426 days since the accident. 426 days Kibum had been unconscious. I had been sleeping as peacefully as I could hunched over Kibum’s bed. I’d fallen asleep reading my favorite message: note 134, the note where Kibum had perfectly planned his confession, the confession that never happened.
The heart monitor was what woke me. The beeping had gotten faster, louder. My eyes opened faster than usual considering it was late, and I was tired. Looking around I saw Kibum’s eyes open. Staring at me, asking a thousand questions at once. Nurses rushed in as the machines had told them Kibum’s heart rate had sped up to a normal conscious speed. They pulled me out of the room as they went to do whatever they needed to. I didn’t really care for the technicalities, just the fact that Kibum was awake.
 

            I’d never been happier than the day that Kibum had woken up. Except for maybe the day we officially started dating. Which was shortly before he agreed to marry me. The day we adopted a little boy. Everything had gone perfectly for us. It was almost a clichéd ending. Except we still write the notes to each other everyday, we don’t need to read them though.

Ending Two

            Years past, Kibum refused to wake up. Doctors had tried everything they could. The notes grew and grew, there were over a thousand when Kibum’s parents decided they couldn’t wait anymore and that it was time to take him off of life support. I’ll never forget how I yelled and pleaded with them to wait just a little longer, saying I could feel Key just beyond a curtain. That Key would push past it any day.
            They didn’t listen.

Note #1483
          I’m sorry Kibum, I’m so sorry. I never realized how you felt. I keep imagining what our lives could have been if I hadn’t been such an idiot and seen how perfect you are. I’ve missed you for one thousand four hundred eighty three days and I’ll love you for the rest of my life. I wish it didn’t have to end like this. I wish you would wake up, and prove them all wrong. Then we could be happy together. I really will miss you. I feel like there’s a hole in my heart. God I wish they would listen to me. Your funeral will be beautiful, just like you. You know you really look at peace like this. I hope you wait for me wherever you end up, Heaven, Hell, wherever I’ll follow you there.
I don’t think I’ll be able to move on with my life with out you. Kim Kibum I love you more than the stars and moon, I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone or anything in my life. It’s funny to I think I always have. I was just too blind do see it. I’ll see you around Key.
Don’t forget about me.
          Love Jonghyun 
 

I don’t think I’d ever felt more pain then when I felt his hand go cold in mine when he died. I was right, the funeral was beautiful. The world seemed to pause to remember Kibum. I kept writing him letters. I’d gotten a box for them, an old cookie type box. He would have loved it. When it got full, I got another. I hoped wherever he was he could see that I’d always remember him. I never did get married I could never find someone who could take the place that was meant to be Kibum’s.
I’ll always love Kim Kibum, until I take my last breath.

A/N: fwoop there it is I'd like to thank aff for fricking up my original formating a bit, so I'm sorry if the format is weird I'll try to work out formating as I learn more on this site. I have some other fics I might put on here too~

My writing tumblr is piefics and if you have any prompts or requests feel free to drop them in my ask box over there and I'll try to do them~

Once again thank you for reading and I really do apreaciate any comments you leave~