There are times in which Kim Himchan feels sad.

When things don't go in the way he wants them to, he feels sad. When he sees or hear things that are intended to hurt him, he feels sad. When someone or something precious has to leave him or he has to leave them, he feels sad. Sometimes when he see people suffering, hurting or in pain, he feels sad for them. When he learns things that are unpleasant or unfortunate, he feels sad.

When something bad happens to people he love or treasure, he feels very sad.

He doesn't like to feel sad.

But this time, he is feeling much, much remorse than plainly being sad. His emotions are crushed and smashed into small, tiny little bits of pieces when the doctor's lips moved and the words "He lost his memory" were heard and Yongguk was sitting in front of him, staring at him as if he was a stranger.

Yongguk has forgotten him.

***

There are times in which Himchan feels desperate.

He feels desperate when he asks Yongguk if he remembered anything but the older doesn't even understand why he's asking such a question because in his mind, there's nothing, no memories, no strong sensations, no Himchan. He doesn't even know Himchan, so how would he have memories about him?

Himchan feels desperate when he tries to introduce Yongguk's old friends to him, hoping that he would at least get a glimpse of his memories, but nothing comes out. Yongguk would only stare at them and no matter how much they expressed their remorse, no matter how much they cried, no matter how much they shook him and asked him if it was a joke, he would always say the same thing, "I'm sorry, but I don't know you."

Himchan feels desperate when he thinks Yongguk finally remembered something about him but again it is all false hope, Yongguk was starting all over again, calling him "Himchan-ssi" and barely knows anything about him, barely feels anything about him; at those times, Himchan would miss the old Yongguk so much he would cry quietly to himself.

He misses Yongguk's comforting words. He misses Yongguk's warm embrace. He misses Yongguk's gummy smile. He misses Yongguk's deep, deep voice. He misses the way Yongguk used to tell him how much he loved him and how he meant everything to him. 

But now, he means no