"I wish you weren't the leader of EXO!" Jongin shouts, his frustration etched in every word he says.

 

Jongin, just listen-" Junmyeon starts, reaching out for Jongin, but the younger flinches and steps away.

 

"No! I'm done listening to your excuses. Why are you in EXO anyway? You're useless. You can't sing, you can't dance; in fact, you're not even a good leader. Maybe if someone else was the leader Lu Han and Yifan wouldn't have left." Jongin spits out.

 

"Jongin!" Kyungsoo says, mortified. He had walked into the hallway and caught the last part of what Jongin had said.

 

Jongin just rolls his eyes and goes into his room, slamming the door. The silence that follows is deafening and Kyungsoo turns to Junmyeon.

 

"Hyung, you know he didn't mean any of that." He reaches out to Junmyeon but he shakes his head and steps back.

 

"No, Jongin is right." His voice cracks mid-sentence. "I-I'm going to be in my room if anyone needs me."

 

Kyungsoo tries to respond but Junmyeon bows his head and walks into his room.

 

When Jongin wakes up, the memories of last night's fight hit him like a painful headache. Jongin groans, knowing the mess he just created. He didn't mean anything that he said yesterday; he just knew what would hurt Junmyeon the most and said it. Jongin can't take it back, though; speaking doesn't work that way.

 

He pulls himself out of bed and into the bathroom. Jongin emerges several minutes later and he makes his way to the kitchen, eyes barely open. He enters hesitantly, expecting a lecture from Kyungsoo, but is met with a soft murmur of greetings. He opens his eyes wider and realizes only four people are at the table. Junmyeon is missing.

 

"Where's Junmyeon?" Jongin takes a seat between Sehun and Baekhyun, facing the other empty chair at the table. Everyone visibly tenses.

 

Kyungsoo places a bowl of food in front of him and pats him on the shoulder.

 

"Hey, Jongin, what day is today?" Kyungsoo says it slowly and softly as if Jongin were a child. He furrows his eyebrows.

 

"The second of November, right?" Jongin hears someone gasp quietly and he glances around with wide eyes. "What's going on? Where's Junmyeon hyung?"

 

"It's been three weeks since the last time this happened," Baekhyun murmurs. Jongin looks at him, completely bewildered.

 

"Can someone explain to me what is going on? Is Junmyeon playing a prank on me because of what I said yesterday? I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I was just angry." Jongin sees everyone staring at him in a pitying way and he feels panic rise within him. "Why are you guys looking at me like that?!"

 

"Jongin, it's February." Kyungsoo speaks up, "Junmyeon hyung is- he's dead. He died four months ago." His voice wavers and he turns away from the others at the table.

 

"Four months and twelve days," Sehun says, his clenched fist betraying his aloof tone.

 

"You're kidding me." Jongin glances around the table, his gaze landing on Chanyeol's bloodshot eyes.

 

"I wish we were."

 

"No, no," Jongin shakes his head in denial, feeling his throat tighten and his breathing quicken. "That's impossible. I had a fight with him yesterday. You guys are just-"

 

"Jongin." Kyungsoo cuts in. "Your memory hasn't been the best since the accident. This isn't the first time you couldn't remember hyung's death. The memory will come back; it always does. And when it does, just know that we're always here for you."

 

The others nod in agreement.

 

"Accident?" He questions softly.

 

"You were with Junmyeon when he was killed," Baekhyun answers, taking Jongin's hand. "You two were walking down the street when a car drove through and hit Junmyeon. You were the one to call the ambulance and you were there when he- when he died."

 

"I think," Jongin pulls away from Baekhyun, "I'm going to my room."

 

Baekhyun smiles sadly as he watches Jongin shuffle to his room, hands rubbing up and down his arms protectively. Sehun turns to Baekhyun.

 

"Hyung, you aren't going to tell him about the other thing?"

 

"Of course not!" Baekhyun hisses. "The last time we told him that at the same time we told him Junmyeon hyung had died he wouldn't talk to any of us for at least a week. He'll remember it on his own."

 

"And if he doesn't?"

 

Baekhyun pauses, his eyes flickering downward. "He'll be lucky if he doesn't remember."

 

Jongin grabs his phone and types in Junmyeon's number. "I'm sorry, the number you are trying to call is-"

 

Jongin hangs up and sits on the edge of his bed, covering his face with his hands. He takes in deep, shuddering breaths, trying to calm himself. Jongin unlocks his phone with shaky hands and goes to his messages, opening up his texts with Junmyeon.

 

There is a huge mass of messages Jongin doesn't remember sending to Junmyeon, all with no reply. Jongin has to scroll up for a while before he finds a message Junmyeon replied to, on November the second.

 

14.11.02 9:42 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Hyung, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean anything I said. You're amazing and I was being stupid. Is there any way I can make it up to you?

 

14.11.02 9:45 pm

To: Jongin

From: Junmyeon

 

Buy me dinner and bubble tea for a week and maybe I'll forgive you.

 

14.11.02 9:47 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Okay! It's a date.

 

14.11.02 9:47 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Not an actual date! It's an expression.

 

14.11.02 9:48 pm

To: Jongin

From: Junmyeon

 

Sure. A non-date date ^^

 

14.11.04 1:04 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

The doctors finally let me check my phone but they won't tell me if you're okay or not.

 

14.11.04 3:27 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

This isn't fair. I love you.

 

14.11.04 4:18 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I can't sleep. I keep thinking of you.

 

14.11.10 5:37 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Yifan and Lu-ge were at your funeral. I don't think I've ever seen Kyungsoo hyung cry as much as he did today.

 

14.11.18 4:09 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Manager-nim is deactivating your number. I guess that's a sign that I should stop texting you like you'll reply.

 

14.12.02 9:27 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Everyone is saying that you're dead. How can you be dead when the last thing I said to you was the worst thing I could ever say to anyone?

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.03 6:58 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I can't believe this. I love you and you died. How could you do this to me? We were supposed to do so much, as EXO and as a couple. Why were you ripped from me the moment I wanted you the most?

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.08 10:45 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Why is your number deactivated? Hyung, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything I said yesterday. Please, can we talk?

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.08 4:31 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Why is everyone lying to me? Why aren't you here with me, with the rest of EXO? I miss you. Please come back.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.10 5:21 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I remember.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.15 10:17 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Where are you hyung? And why am I the only one freaking out about you not being here?

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.16 3:50 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

How does it feel like to be dead? Are you happy? I can still hear your voice clearly. I'm scared I might forget the sound of it one day.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.18 7:24 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Why do I have so many texts you haven't read? Hyung, are you avoiding me? I'm sorry. Please don't be mad.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.20 1:52 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

How are we supposed to perform Overdose without you? How are we supposed to accept an award without our leader?

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.21 11:27 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Yixing hyung started crying during our performance. He was given all of your lines. Chanyeol hyung was the only one that could speak properly when we won our awards. We don't deserve them.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.22 11:39 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Our concert album came out today. We wanted to play all of the songs but when your solo played Zitao and Jongdae hyung had to step out of the room.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.23 10:26 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

It's going to be Christmas in two days, hyung! I could've sworn it was still November, but I guess I'm just really bad with dates.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.24 11:49 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I love you so much it hurts. This is the first Christmas we'll be spending without you. It's been more than a month but it feels like it was just yesterday you told me you love me too before dying.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.25 6:29 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Why the am I still texting you? You'll never answer me and I'm just making a fool out of myself. You're never coming back but I still love you.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.25 8:34 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I visited your grave today. I saw several fans that also wanted to visit you but couldn't so I took their gifts with me because I know you would've done the same if it was my grave.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.29 2:17 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Is it sad that I wasn't able to remember your voice? I had to look up interviews with you in it. I stayed up the entire night listening to your voice.

Message unable to be sent.

 

14.12.31 11:56 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I can't remember. Why can't I remember? Kyungsoo hyung said that we were both hit by the car but why wasn't I the one that died? You don't deserve to die. You keep EXO together and I need you.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.01 12:04 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

In the summer, I planned to kiss you at midnight of New Years. I guess I should've done it sooner, huh? Maybe then I wouldn't be regretting every missed opportunity I had.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.02 8:06 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

This isn't fair. Why did you have to die? Why did you leave me? Why can't I just get over your death like everyone else?

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.02 11:29 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Chanyeol hyung had to pull me away from the rooftop. He locked me in my room and he made Kyungsoo hyung watch me. But there's no need for that. I know killing myself wouldn't be what you wanted me to do.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.04 10:16 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Hyung where did you go?

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.05 7:03 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Chanyeol hyung showed me a video someone took of the accident. I cried until I couldn't breathe and Minseok hyung had to hold me for at least two hours. I kissed you before you died. We were both bloody and I was shaking but I still kissed you and I can't remember how it felt.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.10 3:22 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I haven't spoken to the others since the video. I just can't. I wish you were here.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.11 3:47 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I miss you so much. I miss the way you would try to help Kyungsoo hyung cook even though you can't cook at all. I miss holding you at night when you have a nightmare. I miss your fingers between mine and the way your eyes turn into crescents whenever you smile that beautiful smile of yours. I miss that adorable flush on your face that would appear when someone complimented you. I love you so much and I don't want to forget anymore.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.14 1:43 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Hyung, it's my birthday. The members barged into my room at midnight and we had a small party. I tried looking for you in the group before remembering you weren't there. I'm getting used to it, slowly. Maybe I'll stop forgetting.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.20 7:22 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Hyung, what happened? Why can't I send you a text anymore? I'm sorry, really. I shouldn't have said any of those things yesterday.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.20 10:55 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

It's not November anymore, is it.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.22 3:49 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I think Chanyeol hyung is the new leader of EXO. He's started taking up your role of introducing us. He's matured a lot since you left. We all have.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.26 8:27 am

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Are you avoiding me? Everyone is telling me that it's already 2015 but that's not true. Christmas hasn't even passed yet.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.27 3:17 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

I hate this. I'm stuck in an endless, growing loop and I can't get out. What will happen when I'm old and EXO isn't with me and I forget again? I'll remember saying the stupidest thing I've ever said in my entire life and no one will be there to tell me what happened. I'm forced to relive your death over and over while everyone else can have a normal life.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.01.29 1:05 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Jongdae hyung suggested I stop texting you. At first I got mad, but he has a point. I have to let go of you, and this is the first step.

Message unable to be sent.

 

15.02.13 10:21 pm

To: Junmyeon

From: Jongin

 

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and I still love you.

Message unable to be sent.

 

Jongin lies on the bed, clutching his chest. His attempts to stay quiet have long since stopped, now freely sobbing. He racks his brain for any memory of the texts but he comes up with a blank. Jongin squeezes his eyes shut, bringing his knees to his chest.

 

"I'm so- sorry," he chokes out. Jongin grips his phone tighter. A knock is heard from the door and Kyungsoo steps inside, the others standing near the entrance.

 

"We wanted to see if you were okay or not." Kyungsoo sits on the edge of Jongin's bed and gestures for the others to enter. Chanyeol climbs onto the bed and pulls Jongin into his lap. Baekhyun takes Jongin's hand as Sehun picks up Jongin's phone and places it on the nightstand nearby. Jongin covers his face with his hands. The tears don't stop but the suffocating pressure on his heart lightens.

 

"Thank you," Jongin says quietly, his voice scratchy.

 

He feels Chanyeol shrug behind him. "We are one, right?"

 

Kyungsoo grabs his laptop from the other side of the room and pulls up his EXO playlist. "The M members will be here soon. I told manager-nim what happened and he cancelled all of our schedules for today."

 

The rest of EXO appear several minutes later. Zitao takes a seat next to Sehun and Jongdae squeezes into the space between Baekhyun and Kyungsoo. Minseok sits next to Chanyeol and Sehun as Yixing claims the spot directly in front of Jongin. Yixing smiles softly, taking Jongin's other hand. Jongin glances around, seeing the eight other members around him. He catches Zitao's eye and he shoots him a thumbs up. The corners of Jongin's mouth turn up.

 

"What song do you want to listen to?" Kyungsoo speaks up. Everyone glances at Jongin.

 

Maybe he'll never stop forgetting and maybe he'll never have his closure with Junmyeon, but right now he has eight others who will be there for him no matter what and that's what matters the most.

 

"Beautiful."

 

Beautiful, beautiful
Open the doors of heaven (only allow me)
Ooh you beautiful, beautiful
Your eyes are bright and moist
(I’m falling into you, only into you)
Ooh you beautiful, beautiful
Forgetting even time (forgetting even myself)
Ooh you beautiful, beautiful
I’m forever dreaming a dream called you

 

 

("Hyung, are you okay?! I called an ambulance already, they should be here soon." Jongin crouches next to Junmyeon as he lies on the ground. Jongin entwines his hand with Junmyeon's, pushing back his hair. When his hand comes back with blood smeared on it, his heart races and his throat tightens.

 

"You're bleeding too," Junmyeon reaches up and brushes his fingers along Jongin's temple, resting his hand on his cheek. Jongin opens his mouth to reply but an unexpected sob escapes. Tears fall and Jongin leans over to press his forehead to Junmyeon's.

 

"I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. Just- please, please don't leave me." Jongin's hands start to shake and he collapses to his knees. His voice cracks as he says, "I love you."

 

Junmyeon laughs softly but winces in pain immediately after. "I love you too, Jongin, more than anyone I've ever met."

 

Jongin chokes down a sob and presses his lips to Junmyeon's desperately. They kiss until Jongin is forced to pull away. The painful pounding in Jongin's head causes his vision to blur. Junmyeon breaths noticeably become quicker and shallower.

 

Jongin hears the ambulance sirens and hopelessly tries to stay conscious, gripping Junmyeon's limp hand in both of his. Junmyeon's other hand falls to the ground and he struggles to keep his eyes open.

 

"I'm so sorry," Jongin forces out, the ache in his head becoming unbearable. Junmyeon shakes his head slightly and Jongin blacks out soon after.)

 

 

141202- one month after Junmyeon's death

141208- EXO's Baskin Robbin CF

141215- December, 2014

141218- EXO's Baskin Robbin CF Interview

141223- Christmas

141231- New Years

150104- Super Junior M Guest House

150120- EBS School Land TeenTeen Interview

150126- KFC China EXO 超能玩出味 游戏花絮 Game BTS

150214- Valentine's Day