He never told me he loves me but that's because when he really does he can't speak the word .

 I met him in my eleventh chapter , we were both young , fragile and small .

They come to me first when I remember those memories of us against a wooden floor under the sky wrapped up in darkness in a frame , our minds clear and concise and our bodies light . But the day that really matters the one that came and stole him away is what I always remember , almost never forget .

He smiled at me and his smile was full of happiness although his eyes said something else 

I kissed away his fear letting my lips press against his soft cheek , I gave him a bracelet and didn't tell him it resembled my heart around his wrist against his pulse both against time .

You never really love someone until you let them go and I did . Every time he would come by he would bring a piece of my alive every time he left I would die .

We both raced days , day by day passing without it leaving a trace but in us 

Piles of hours , a cloak I didn't check and tones of events .

Days didn't matter neither are months , I didn't count them . When you're lonely the only thing you certify is when you steal yourself from what around you and run to the one you love .

God made space to teach us that there are things which are limitless , that the humans themselves are united with what around them , that they are made of the same thing that you are made of , maybe I'm made of the same star you are made of , maybe our limitless endless never fading beings are hugging in a flower , smashing with grass , floating , our beings are reborn in a kiss , and part of a secret . You were me and I was you , but our reality didn't want you to be mine .

The day came , my day and I found myself loving you more although I thought it Is impossible to do as so .

And then that night came , our night , the last one , the last time we held hands , the universe was beautiful when your beautiful face drew that quite laugh and your feet kissed the streets 

I couldn't be myself but with you , when I found you twelve years ago I also happened upon me , when I first saw you I didn't imagine you will be my magic .

That night I wished I could dance with destiny and bend it in my arms , fool it and keep you , but I'm only a human . You were ahead of me with countable feet . When that car came close and its lights swallowed you I couldn't scream I couldn't do anything . You flow in the air and the angels picked you up in the midst of it taking you to the sky , leaving your empty body to fall to the ground in front of me .

Today was Hell , twelve days after your departure . Each day was a Hell , I never imagined I can suffer such pain even greater than when you left me six years ago .

I cried myself to sleep today like everyday since you left and had a dream a nightmare I couldn't tell the difference , a woman in a dress approached me she had a face of a child but a seductive smile

"You want him back ?"

"Yes"

"Then you have to do one thing , stay away from him and change everything"

I nodded agreeing and she gently tapped my shoulder , everything around me went dark then I opened my eyes .

Woken up , regained focus , snapped to reality , I was standing in a queue , I noticed immediately , it took me minutes but I realized it purpose .

SM town auditions , the beginning , the first time I led an eyes on him .

I believed it , I lived it , I was in it .

God sent me an arch angle 

Lucifer sent me his best demon 

And I went back , as much it was crazy it was real , my heart was pouncing disagreeing with what happened  my body was violently shaking and my brain not coping . But something inside of me told me that this was the truth imprinted this fact on my ribs , if I wanted to save him I needed to sacrifice .

I gathered my courage

"I would give you way more" i told myself "I would give you anything everything" I muttered under my breaths , and saw him minutes later , my stomach clenched at the sight of his beautiful face that I didn't appreciate before , I craved nothing more than to crush his body in a hug that would be the best , share my poison with him and steal all the happiness he is able to give , but "you have to do one thing stay away from him and change everything" .

I spun facing the wall , the time before we disagreed on a dancing move that's how we met that's how he knew me , this time I heard that same song but didn't come with any move he lingered a bit then left , I breathed in , calmness washing over me .

And like the first time I was accepted , I locked myself in a bathroom cabinet and silently cried . Stories had told this Myths and legends . Higher power Interfering in a miserable life of a human to save someone with a great destiny and you with no doubt are one . I whipped my tears and admonished my weak and frightened self , I should feel blessed for having a chance to save you , I stepped out of my shelter and started fighting for you .

We came across each other in dancing matches but I did nothing but ignoring him , he even complemented me once but I dryly responded and escaped , I made up a story about him and told it to my friends so I can make sure they won't ever befriend him and that's exactly what happened , with the passage of days my long term staying became realistic even though not less painful and boring , and although a part of me kept tracking the future I maintained my well .

Avoiding him and living the dejavu that is my life ate up the years and when the day came for his debut I had succeeded to fail every attempt to build a relationship between us .

He left without my bracelet on his wrist and that toured me apart . But I rather never to hug him than embracing his cold body .

After he left my little doze of him decreased to nothing , we didn't know each other so he didn't call me he didn't try his best to meet up with me he didn't steal moments to follow me didn't send presents and didn't miss me .

I watched every program he appeared in , nostalgic to what we should've had and feed up with what I lost . Our nights , dances and everything I taught him . It was killing me and I cried more than I should . He seemed happy though no worries weighing over him for leaving me behind for running after me , he had four friends and only four friends but he was alive .

If one thing consoled me It was that I in the contrast of the time before knew our debut date , I counted down till the day arrived .

 He didn't congratulate me and that was more painful than a shot but I focused on my debut and killed the ache with work .

I was advanced in our songs and dances as for the fact that I did them hundreds of times before , I got used to ignoring the discussions I heard previously and sometimes even used my ability to not redo few mistakes I regretted , but I still missed him as much as it possible to miss someone . Like every second passed carved itself on me , I missed how he completed me , balanced me , made me shout and feel worthless .

Missing him this time was deeper it was the harm of not having him rather than losing him . He didn't know me and I didn't belong to him .

 Through my career as an idol I had to keep the play going , I turned down every offer that puts me with him in the same room and when that rarely happened I did my best to avoid him or make him uncomfortable , Sehun was about to give him another chance but I dismissed the idea cutting it from the roots .

 Every night I would pray to God to supply me with patience and strength to complete my road to kill the doubts in me and water my thirst that is him .

Now that we were put together again I had to use all my cells in the war of saving him and it worked .

I watched your stages one by one from far away , I watched you receiving awards I couldn't share you the happiness of , I watched you getting thinner and being sad without being able to comfort you .

You did everything you did the last time but minus me , and it took a part of my happiness every time it took a place . But I loved you enough to let you go to banish you from the kingdom of my heart , although this is all for you I made sure you won't come near me , with all the temptations yet I fought for you , my only star , my past and future .

Twelve years had came since the day I was supposed to meet you for the first time , I grew up in these years more than anyone and considering my previous years that adds up to my lifetime I was older than any of my friends who are in my same age , our friends in another life , I was wiser but more exhausted and missing you .

Missing you was more than feeling , now it became more of a state of a mind .

Although it's been twelve years since I last talked to you , heard your voice , felt your flesh against mine , I can still remember . Your smile that I adore , the way your body walk dancing , our dirty jokes , and your lovely eyes directed towards me with love and respect.

I love you too much to forget any details no matter how much it seems worthless and although I can't tell you this but I don't regret this second chance , I know you will never be mine as long as we're alive , you will never remember me when I fade away and you will never know that we're soul mates . But those twelve years I spent with you in our past life are enough for me to go on , they will forever be my secret . Cause as the day you were supposed to die in passed and you lived this time I believed that everything was worth it .

And I can always imagine our limitless endless never fading beings hugging tight in the flames of a supernova .