그냥 너야 (just you)

that's not what i want, i like just you.

High school student Oh Sehee was in her freshman year that one day she fell in love at first sight. She had answered the door and inexplicably, she fell for the boy grinning down at her. It was the first time in her life to be speechless, and for once, her sass didn’t show. All she did was blinking and staring dumbly at the boy standing at the door.

“Hey, is Ryeokbeom ready? We’re going to be late,” the boy asked way too casually and way too familiarly, as if he was actually friends with Sehee, as if he was someone she actually knew. She didn’t though.

“Uhm…” She stammered.

“FIVE MORE MINUTES!” Came a voice from upstairs and only then did Sehee finally step aside to invite the boy in. He shook his head though, laughing with eyes crinkling into crescents, which was cute, unlike Sehun’s crescent eyes and ugly laughter that just seemed weird and off because her default facial expression was a frowny one.

“You are Sehee, right? I’m Minseok.”

Sehee simply nodded, unsure what she was supposed to do. Should she just go inside again since Minseok was obviously waiting for her brother to finish his beauty routine so they could go? It was then she noticed the contrast between herself and the older boy; Sehee being clad in an old pair of sweatpants and her brother’s hoodie, while Minseok looked nice in his slacks and a dress shirt, the look complete with a vest and a red rose.

“Are you Ryeokbeom’s date for prom?” She blurted out before she could stop herself. Minseok just laughed and for the first time in forever Sehee found herself blushing.

“Yeah, his partner on a double date,” Minseok winked and Sehee flushed an even darker red, thankful that her brother was finally there so she could leave instead of embarrassing herself further.





“So how was the party?” Sehee asked, although she could guess. Ryeokbeom had been grumbling and complaining about a headache all morning, and a glimpse at his face confirmed that her brother indeed had a hangover. Instead of snickering and laughing at him like she would usually do though, Sehee was nice today, the picture perfect little sister Ryeokbeom had always been wishing for.

“Fun, but the aftermath is horrible,” Ryeokbeom groaned, faceplanting on the table. Sehee winced, unsure if she just heard a bone crack or not.

“You weren’t without a date, were you?” Sehee continued asking. She would rather cut all this beating around the bush and go straight to the point, which was asking about Ryeokbeom’s gorgeous friend, but for Ryeokbeom to spill everything she wanted to know, she had to act interested and simply be what he had always wanted to make her be: a cute, obedient, caring sister.

“Of course not,” he hissed, turning his head so his cheek was pressed onto the surface. Sehee pushed a glass of water over to him, along with painkillers, but her brother didn’t move an inch.

“Your friend from yesterday?” She asked, hoping she didn’t sound too curious.

“No, I’m not into guys, but if I was, Minseok would make a horrible date,” Ryeokbeom snorted. “I told you about Sooyeon, didn’t I? I asked her out and surprisingly she said yes.”

“Ah,” Sehee replied, feigning interest. Honestly, there was nothing that bored her more than Ryeokbeom talking about the classmate he was crushing on. Believe it or not, despite being such a giant with one of the scariest pissed off faces on earth, he was a huge teddy bear and super sensitive, and thus he never had the balls to even start a conversation with his crush. All that ran through Sehee’s head, and so she asked, almost innocently: “Really? Last time you told me you couldn’t even talk to her without stuttering?”

And so Ryeokbeom told her the full story with all details, how Minseok persuaded him to walk over to her with Minseok as backup (and Sehee tried her best not to roll her eyes or to snicker here because wow, her brother was more of a wimp than she thought). In the end, it was Minseok asking instead of Ryeokbeom, and that was how they ended up going on some kind of double date - Ryeokbeom with Sooyeon and Minseok with Sooyeon’s best friend Sunkyu. Sehee didn’t know those girls, but she didn’t need to. She already knew that she disliked Sunkyu when Ryeokbeom mentioned he lost sight of his friend only half an hour into the party, and of course Ryeokbeom would be too occupied with his crush to actually look for what Minseok would be doing. For all Sehee knew with her seventeen years of life experience, he could have made out with that girl all night and then they might have gone down to funny business. She let out a sigh. There was a second option she hoped would be the true one.

“So did Minseok actually want to go with Sunkyu or was it Sooyeon’s condition to go out with you?”

Ryeokbeom gulped down the painkiller with some water, wiping his mouth afterwards. “It was Sooyeon’s suggestion, since Sunkyu didn’t have a date yet.”

Like an afterthought, the older boy added. “It is fortunate though, because Sunkyu is just the type Minseok likes.“

“Aha?” Sehee hummed, feigning indifference. Her brother was talkative and if one paid attention for long enough, Ryeokbeom would spill the most treasured secrets even. She just knew her brother too well.

“Yeah. You know, the petite, cute ones. The opposite of you.”

And wow, that was an unexpected blow. It hurt a lot. Like, a lot a lot. So Sehee kinda liked a guy who would never like her because she was neither petite nor cute. She could never be petite, seeing how tall she actually was, taller than all the girls in her grade, and taller than a few guys even. If she wore high heels she would tower over Minseok, too. But well, she couldn’t blame Minseok, because not everyone could inherit an impressing height like the Oh siblings did, and men didn’t like the idea of their girlfriend being taller than them, man pride and all. This meant she had no chance to gain points for being petite, but cute, well, that was something she could work on. Maybe, if she was too cute to ignore, her cuteness would make up for her being the opposite of petite?.





Sehee was known as the epitome of coolness. She was an independent, blunt and confident woman, and with honesty being her greatest strength (and charm on occasion), she was evaluating herself, eyebrows knitted together in concentration as she stared at her reflection in the bathroom mirror. Luckily, Ryeokbeom wasn't at home, neither were their parents, so no one could question Sehee's sudden interest in grooming herself. Wait, that was not the word for girls dolling themselves up, was it? It sounded less repulsing though, at least to Sehee.

"Your nose is too high-bridged, your jawline is too sharp and rather masculine. Your eyebrows are too thick for a girl as well. And that nose is not cute either. Oh, let's not forget that ugly little mouth." She let out a sigh, rather disheartened at her own assessment. None of her features made her look cute, except for her still there baby-fat. It was still not enough to take away the sharpness of her jaw though.

"But at least you have quite nice skin," she concluded. Bad news first, good news later. That was important for building up self-confidence. She nodded at herself. "And your hair is soft and healthy, too. You're not too fat either."

She took a step back, turning sideways to take a look at her figure. Her hands moved up to her chest and she frowned, hands kneading her barely there s. "Too flat," she sighed. She knew she didn't need big s to be cute but to be a feminine kind of cute she still needed to fill an A cup at least. She was actually wearing A cup bras, but never felt like they really fit her. But thinking about what it meant not to fill an A cup completely was too depressing to her, so she willed that thought away.

"They're gonna grow," she continued to talk to herself. "I'm still in puberty. Hopefully? It should be alright. Please."





If her family was surprised with Sehee’s sudden change in nature, no one said a word. It was about time for a girl to discover herself, her parents would reason, and Ryeokbeom had never been anything but supportive, as long as Sehee wouldn’t get herself into trouble. The only thing Ryeokbeom did, was to emphasisze how important it was for her not to overdo make-up when she was still going to school. Sehee nodded, but stuck her tongue out and made grimaces behind his back.

It was summer, end of her freshman year, when she first met Minseok, and throughout summer, she had hoped for her brother to bring his friends home (which by now she realized he had never done ever since middle school), just so she could show Minseok she had another side to her, a cute, feminine one, but as always, instead of inviting friends home, Ryeokbeom was the one going over to his friends, and thus Sehee’s transformation was not shown to the one she had been trying her best to change for.

During summer vacation was when she started to follow blogs and youtube channels on make-up and fashion, trying out as much as she could. She had been shopping a lot with her mother as well, who was more than happy about Sehee finally starting to be more like a girl. Her mother had always feared her to turn into a tomboy and maybe come out of the closet as lesbian - which was not only stupid, but terribly narrow-minded, too, in Sehee’s opinion, because liking girlish things didn’t mean she would automatically like boys and make herself pretty for boys. That opinion, she kept for herself, knowing how conservative her family was, and the society she was living in even more so.

With her mother accompanying her, she didn’t have to pay a cent for a new wardrobe - not black and white anymore, but filled with pastel colored blouses, skirts and dresses, too. It was weird at first, to wear skirts and dresses with lace or floral patterns, but by the end of summer, she was accustomed to her new look. Her hair was longer now, too, and she actually spent time, trying out different hair styles, as well as make-up.

By the beginning of sophomore year, Sehee was a totally different person, her speech and voice softer as well (when she talked to people that were not Jongin at least), and instead of being the talk of the school because of her odd, boyish behavior, people were talking about her new appearance.

“Wow, what happened to the Sehee I know?” Jongin asked. He was shocked at first, staring at her as if she was an alien, but adapted quickly, when Sehee punched him, like she always did whenever he was acting dumb in her opinion. Since the way she talked to him was the same though, he quickly relaxed.

“Shut up,” she huffed, twirling her hair using her right hand. She was still grumpy, because she didn’t get a chance to meet Minseok again and make him fall for her. The inner voice that told her she was too young for him (just by two years!) was promptly ignored.

“No, seriously, what happened? Did your mom force you to be all girly-girly now?” Jongin asked. She was a little touched by his concern, but didn’t say so. Jongin and her were best friends, but apart from skating and video games, school projects and homework, movie marathons and playing pranks on their siblings, there was not much else they did together. Least of all talking about their problems and feelings and all that stuff.

“I figured I’d need a change,” Sehee simply said. “So no skating from now on. But we can still do all the other stuff.” Because skating meant exposing her boyish side to everyone who happened to pass the skate park. Video games at Jongin’s or her place though, as well as horror movie nights took place in private and so they were okay to her, not to mention vital for her to function.

“Why?” Jongin asked, looking puzzled. Sehee just shrugged.

“Maybe it’s about time for me to fit into society.”





There was one thing Sehee never thought about, and that was the amount of jealousy and hate she might get after her transformation, because she didn’t see herself as pretty. Admittedly, her face was quite blemish-free and that was a blessing, but she hated the way she laughed, with crinkled eyes and scrunched nose and mouth opened so wide, it was just ugly. She hated her too sharp jawline, as well as her small eyes and her lips. What was so beautiful about her that girls were badmouthing her? What was so beautiful about her that boys were suddenly swooning over her? Sehee couldn't quite understand, and although it was flattering - she was thankful, of course - she felt irritated, too.

"I don't get it," Sehee complained loudly when she joined Jongin in the lunchroom. She could have been here sooner if it wasn't for the guy from her parallel class who had to take her aside and ask her out on a date. Sehee had just blinked at him. She might look more feminine now, but that didn't mean that her facial expressions or the range thereof had changed. She still had that resident face, and the poor boy must have encountered it, or else he wouldn't have started to stutter. Sehee just patted his shoulder, passing him, after saying "I'm not interested".

"Don't get what?" Jongin asked, while chewing on his food. Sehee made a disgusted face at him, tempted to throw her sandwich at his face, but knowing her best friend, he would probably steal her lunch, instead of complaining and feeling offended.

"Like, why are the guys suddenly interested now? Like... hello? I'm still Oh Sehee? The one they called before? The one they voted as the number one never would date in our last yearbook?" Unwrapping her sandwich, Sehee took a big bite.

"Well, dude, did you look into the mirror? You look hot with longer hair and a bit of make-up, so of course the guys want to date you? Like, before, no one knew, but now you could be like, i don't know, a supermodel?"

"Yeah. But I still have that face?" It was now Jongin who shot her a grossed out look. Sehee grinned apologetically. Okay, so maybe she shouldn't judge Jongin's eating habits if hers weren't better. Hers were the same, if she was honest.

"Well, models all have faces? Like, they’re all stuck up," Jongin replied, earning himself a kick in the shin. He protested. "Hey, feel flattered. I just said you were a model!"

"True," Sehee sighed, rubbing his leg with her foot as an apology. Jongin just frowned further, pulling his leg away.

"You're wiping the dirt of your shoes on my uniform," he informed her. "Pay for the cleaning expenses."

"You wish."





One week into the new school year, Sehee still wasn't accustomed to the newfound attention she received. There was something unsettling about it. She knew something bad would happen with all the hate and jealousy - unfounded, in her opinion - suddenly directed and projected onto her, because not only was she turning down all the guys, she was best friends with Jongin, who was a popular kid at school. Not that it had ever mattered before, because no one saw her as rival, what with her wild skater girl and i don’t need a man reputation, but now that she was just another girl, there was bound to be talk behind her back, and lately, she found herself being the victim of stupid kindergarten pranks as well.

"Pffff, I could have done it way better," she muttered to herself after finding her uniform soaked with water after PE class. Running a hand through her hair, she decided to walk home in her sports clothing, even if it did not look pretty at all. She was sure she must be stinking as well, the shirt sticking to her skin with all the sweat. After all, she was not one to back down when it came to challenges, even less so when it was sports. Sehee put her all into the games, and that was why she had always been quite fit, flat stomach and all.

"You look gross. What happened?" Jongin asked, but she just waved him off.

"Nothing," she replied, throwing her backpack over her shoulder. She was quite annoyed and therefore she did not need her best friend to rub it under her nose. She knew she looked awful, and she knew she smelled awful, too. At least her face looked okay, she had checked it in the mirror before. All traces of make-up were washed away, the soft blush on her cheeks from the exertion in P.E. class not even ten minutes ago.

"Are you sure? Rumors say you're being bullied," Jongin said, the soft undertone irking her even more.

"Geez, Jongin, you're my best friend. You know I don't take anyone's , alright? Stop worrying already."

"You're being bullied?" Sehee blinked a few times, the voice so familiar to her, yet she couldn't quite think of a face. Her face was flushing nonetheless though, her body reacting to the gentle tone by instinct.

Spinning around, she locked eyes with the man of her dreams. The surprise was written all over her face, she was sure of that, and once it dawned on her that he was seeing her in a not so favorable state again, Sehee flushed even more.

"I'm okay, no worries, I need to go home, bye!" Not giving either Jongin nor Minseok a second to reply, she dashed off, running all the way home. . Not again.





All good things happen in threes people said, so Sehee was hoping for a third time to meet Minseok. Jongin had been pestering her, asking why she had left so fast that day, not waiting for them to walk home together. After all, they were neighbours since forever and since forever they had gone home together, buying sweets and snacks on the way, and sometimes, when they felt like it, they would stop by the comic shop and spend hours reading there. Not lately though, but still.

"Is he one of your bullies?" Jongin asked then and Sehee glared.

"No. Why'd you think someone like him would actually bully me? Does he look like a bully to you?" Because in no way Minseok was a bully. The aura around him was screaming perfect fairytale prince and Sehee had always had a faible for fairytale princes. Well, maybe ever since she met Minseok, but that was not the point now.

"Maybe?" Jongin asked and the grin on his face told Sehee that he knew. Or maybe he had guessed.

"Does Sehee have a crush? Is that why you're being such an ice princess to all the guys at school?" This time, Sehee did throw her sandwich, only to be proven right. Jongin thanked her for the extra lunch and munched on her food (to be fair though, he bought her some lunch afterwards, much to the dismay of about half the school's female students).





The third time meeting Minseok was not like Sehee had imagined. Ryeokbeom was going to study in Germany, and Sehee was truely happy for him, since all he ever talked about for the last few months was, apart from Sooyeon, his wish to attend a college abroad. He had been dreaming of Canada, the US and Europe, and since they had some friends or far relatives in Germany, Mr. and Mrs. Oh were okay with his plans. What Sehee didn't know though, was Minseok being the one who originally planted that idea into Ryeokbeom's head.

Best friends indeed, Sehee thought, unsure if she should talk to the boy she was crushing on. Right now, she was at the airport with her parents to see her brother off, wishing him a good flight as well. Apparently, college semesters in Germany started later than here, in mid-October and not the first week of September, which explained why Sehee already had a month of classes already, while her brother was still idling at home and preparing for his year abroad.

Not knowing that Minseok would be there, too, Sehee's outfit was a comfy one, rather than one she would like the older boy to see her in. She cursed herself for being too lazy in the morning to put on a pretty blouse and skirt and applying some make-up, but well. What could she do?

It was aw