What If?

Word Count: 3854

When Kyungsoo was 7 he fell in love with Badminton. It was oddly elegant, powerful and when the pros flew it looked practically magical. He soon understood though that while the legends made it look fairly easy, in practicality, it was not. But over the years skills were honed, his agility improved and muscles started to form in thighs, calves and arms. He was nowhere near buff or in any way formidable. He was not the tallest and in all honesty were more pretty than handsome. His team mates had in the beginning called him a flower boy but that was quickly changed once they got to know him. Kyungsoo looked cute but looks can be deceiving and boy was that true for him.

Over the years, Kyungsoo had played in many clubs but had never really felt... at home in any of them. Not until he by chance had to move and change club again.
It was a small group that met twice a week to play but it was nice and it was fun and Kyungsoo was always counting the days, the minutes until practice.

Kyungsoo found that talking to the club members was easy and soon they became a second family, always cheering each other on or on the ready with advice.

They started out in series 3 because the club was fairly new and hadn't really had the opportunity to enter the tournaments but that suited Kyungsoo just fine. As long as he got to play, Kyungsoo was satisfied.

Whenever they had a match in the tournament, Kyungsoo played third men's single and second men's double and the latter always, always with Jongin. Kim Jongin.

Jongin was a good player. Very agile with his slim figure that in contrast to Kyungsoo was very fit. His sun-kissed skin only sought to highlight traceable abs when Jongin pulled on his shirt to dap his forehead with it. The boy was handsome and fun to be around but never had Kyungsoo thought of him as more than a team mate and possible friend.

Not until the day of the last match of the season.

Kyungsoo and Jongin had spoken enough for him to know about Sehun, Jongin's boyfriend of almost three years but had never met before mentioned as Sehun didn't exactly find sport interesting in the least. Jongin didn't seem to care though because it was rare for him to bring up his boyfriend in any of their conversations. But when he did, it was always small complaints about how Sehun wanted to move and how he wanted Jongin to come with him. Jongin would sigh and whine about the travel distance to the badminton club.

Men's doubles were played first and Jongin and him were having some trouble. The opponents had obviously played together for a long time and while Jongin and him were younger and quicker on their feet, the others had the advantage of experience. They lost the first set 14-21 and just barely managed to play themselves into a third and deciding game.
"We can do this, hyung." Jongin had patted his shoulder once their trainer had gone over new tactics and their water bottles emptied. "Hwaiting."
Kyungsoo slid through the air graceful and deadly as he delivered the final jump smash that would win the game 21-19. The satisfaction of watching the beaten shuttle hit the middle as the opponents stood petrified, was one of the reasons Kyungsoo loved the sport. Another was the excitement of victory and Jongin's arms wrapped around him in a celebratory hug. This was nothing new but Jongin's arms were strong and warm and Kyungsoo found comfort in the touch.

It had been a long time since Kyungsoo had been physically involved with anyone. Not to forget in love. And when you're lonely you crave human contact even if it is wrong. Even if it is in the arms of a taken man.

The same day a party was held to celebrate their win and to strengthen their bond and the alcohol was consumed with ease. Soon everyone were happily dancing about, planning for the next season and the next tournament and Kyungsoo fell into conversation with Jongin.
Jongin was quite drunk as was himself and out of nowhere and highly unexpected, Jongin had without a word coerced Kyungsoo into the bathroom.

Now, Kyungsoo was not an impulsive guy. In fact, he was quite the opposite. Kyungsoo was a planner and always planned ahead. Even in love he was predictable, practical and previous love interests could all agree upon the fact that Kyungsoo was not a romantic.
For once, intoxicated and lonesome, Kyungsoo thought to himself that maybe it was time to be spontaneous. And it was.
What it wasn't, was the right person to be spontaneous with.

But Kyungsoo was helpless as Jongin pressed him up against the bathroom door and dropped to his knees. Powerless as Jongin kissed his manhood and utterly defenceless as he swallowed him whole.

The night progressed into something unpredicted.
Jongin had taken Kyungsoo's hand when everyone had been occupied with the trainer's speech of good game and team spirit and lead him outside in the cool, early spring night. In that moment, Jongin was without a boyfriend and Kyungsoo felt cherished in every small gesture Jongin bestowed on him. They walked, they talked. They kissed, they held each other tight. And Kyungsoo was blinded.

It wasn't until they were both half and Kyungsoo was on top of Jongin that the spell was broken. It was his eyes. And the strange smile on his lips. Kyungsoo was unsure why but... It almost made him look. Scary.

And suddenly Kyungsoo was very aware of the fact that Jongin was in a relationship and Kyungsoo was not a part of it.

Kyungsoo was unable to go through with it. He'd had to get away from Jongin before anything more could happen. But enough had happened for Kyungsoo to feel an incredible guilt.

One of the reasons why Kyungsoo had always had difficulty to open up to lovers where the possibility of being hurt. He knew it was silly but true none the less.
The thought of giving someone his heart was terrifying. And if it in the end didn't work out then... Well. Kyungsoo was not one to easily move on.

Days of a horrible hangover later and Kyungsoo wasn't as eager coming for practice. To his relief though, Jongin was absent.

'I'm so sorry and ashamed of what I did Kyungsoo. I can't forgive myself and I highly doubt Sehun will either. He doesn't deserve this.... But the worst part is... I still want you.'

Jongin had been buzzing him with Kakao messages all evening. It made Kyungsoo feel sick to his stomach. In the end, he had to reply if not just to make Jongin stop.

'Have you told him about what happened?'

'Not yet. I need to talk to you first.'

'I'm so sorry Jongin. I shouldn't have encouraged you.'

'I'm the one who's sorry! I just couldn't control myself. I never can with you.'

'I'm sorry.'

'Don't be. You're not the one with the boyfriend.'

'But I did know you were.'

'It's not your fault... I don't know what to do Kyungsoo. It would be easier if I knew how you felt?'

'I am not worth throwing away three years for. Believe me. Just... Don't tell him anything.'

'I have to tell him. Don't I? He at least have to know that we kissed... Maybe I should just end things with him. He doesn't deserve this.'

'If he loves you he'll forgive you. I'm sure.'

'... What if I don't want him to forgive me? I... like you, hyung. I know it's stupid of me to say but... I think I've developed a crush on you since we started playing together. I realise we don't really know each other that well but... I want to. I've never felt like this before. It's crazy.'

'You're a nice guy Jongin. But I'm afraid I only did it because I've been lonely. And needy. And drunk. I'm sorry.'

'I understand... Well, if I end up single you won't be needy anymore. I can definitely help with that!'

'I don't think I want that... Not after this.'

'... Okay. Will we still be friends? It's not like you want to quit the club right?'

'Of course we'll still be friends... And I'd really like to stay. If it's not too much of a bother to you...'

'It won't!... I have to meet Sehun soon. I already hate it.'

'I hope everything works out for you two.'

'Thanks, hyung. Me too.'

Kakao turned quiet for half a day but Kyungsoo kept an eager eye on his phone. It wasn't that he wanted Jongin to write... But it's not like he didn't want him to either.

'Well that wasn't fun.'

With his heart almost taking a leap from his chest at the sound of a new notification, Kyungsoo stubbornly tried his best to ignore the urge to reply. Failed miserably though.

'Sorry to hear. How did it go?'

'He was sad... And disappointed. We've been together for a long time and... For me to just throw it all away like that. I hurt him real bad. I don't think he'll forgive me. I wouldn't forgive me.'

'You broke up?'

'Not yet. We're taking a few days alone to think it over but I just don't know. What if I hurt him again? Cheating goes against all my beliefs it's just... Why did you have to be so y?! I can't stop thinking about that night and how much I wish we'd finished what we'd started. I'm horrible!'

'It'll pass. Let's just... forget it ever happened.'

'Hyung... If you want to pretend nothing happened you can. But I can't. It... May not have meant anything to you but for me it did...'

'If that is how you feel then we should probably stop writing...'

'Maybe...'

He didn't write back. He wanted to but didn't. And half a week passed before a new notification from Jongin made his heart uneasy again.

'Can I just ask you something?'

'Sure.'

'Did I really just you off with no further reason or anything?'

'You kind of did yeah.'

'Wow. I am such an . But you didn't really do anything to stop me either.'

'Drunk and needy. I had no control.'

'Haha. Okay. Sehun and I have agreed to staying together. But I'm not allowed to contact you unless it is about badminton.'

'I'm glad.'

'Yeah... See you at practice hyung.'

If you hadn't already guessed things became rather awkward the following practices. Kyungsoo couldn't look Jongin in the eye and tried his best to stay as far away from the younger as possible. He didn't want Jongin to have a hard time because of him but it was difficult to stay away. Things were different. Things had changed.

The season ended and the holidays were upon them.
Kyungsoo never heard from Jongin anymore and Kyungsoo stopped thinking about him. Kyungsoo honestly thought everything were going to be okay but then the season started again and Jongin. Jongin was more handsome than ever.

He had missed him. Without realising, Kyungsoo had longed to see his smile and things had truly changed.

Suddenly playing doubles were much more distracting with Jongin at the net hunched over in his shorts. It became increasingly difficult to keep his attention at the shuttle and not at the drops of sweat upon Jongin's skin. And don't even mention showering afterwards! It was hell!

But no matter. Kyungsoo tried his very best at turning everything back to the way it was before, even if it was still hard to look Jongin directly in the eyes. Even if he laughed a little too hard at Jongin's jokes. Even if his stomach started to flutter...

Then one day, a blast from the past showed up out of nowhere.

When Kyungsoo was younger, he had a major crush on one of his best friend's best friends. Unfortunately his best friend had also harboured a crush but on Kyungsoo. It had been ugly.

Zhang Yixing managed to pull off incredibly handsome, cute as a button and kinder than Mother Theresa on one and the same time. They had never spoken much because of their common friend. But now Kyungsoo didn't speak to the latter anymore because of a regrettable incident.

Yixing wasn't as graceful as Jongin in his moves. They were a bit more clumsy but he worked his hardest to make up for it. He had taken a break from badminton and only started again recently because he had missed it. His skills were a bit rusty but it wasn't long until they were on par again and suddenly the trainer saw a new potential.

At first it was weird playing doubles with someone else, Kyungsoo had become accustomed to Jongin's moves, his strengths and weaknesses and now he had to learn a new body.
They made a lot of mistakes during practice, still not used to playing with each other but surprisingly it didn't take long for them to synchronise their game. What did make it a whole lot harder was the fact that Jongin was their opponent. And he did not seem happy.

The tournament started and Series 2 was certainly more demanding and while Yixing and Kyungsoo became closer, Jongin started fading into the shadows. But Kyungsoo still caught himself on numerous occasions in glancing at Jongin's flexed muscles when he flew through the air, hitting impossible shuttles and that victorious smile of his.

Jongin had a boyfriend. But not just that. No, the two had moved in together during the summer holidays and to Kyungsoo that meant the couple was now more or less permanent. And Kyungsoo hated himself for fantasising about plumb lips curled around his .

At Christmas the club hosted another party and Kyungsoo dreaded going. A small part of him feared history would repeat itself and he wouldn't be able to control himself again. And just maybe... Maybe that was exactly what he was hoping for.

Kyungsoo sipped his beer and made sure to keep an appropriate distance from an intoxicated Jongin. Luckily Yixing seemed to not be wanting a headache in the morning as he took another mouthful of his coke.
As the party progressed, Jongin became increasingly wobbly and soon he was at Kyungsoo's side, forehead buried in the crook of Kyungsoo's neck. A warm hand found shelter on his thigh and Kyungsoo felt a mix of dread and arousal churn in his stomach.

"Do you want to get some fresh air Kyungsoo?"

Relief replaced the scary mixture when Yixing put his hand on Kyungsoo's shoulder and nodded towards the door.
Kyungsoo was quick to excuse himself and gratefully followed Yixing into the cold after being handed his jacket.

"Thank you Yixing."

The dimpled man chuckled, his breath a small cloud.

"You looked uncomfortable. Correct me if I'm wrong though... Doesn't Jongin have a boyfriend?"

"He does. He is just... Very affectionate when alcohol is involved."

"Good thing I saved you then. Who knows what would've happened had I not stepped in. "

'Where were you one year ago?'

"Yeah..."

"Have you heard from Chanyeol by the way? Whenever I mention your name he turns really quiet."

"Oh. It's a long story..."

"I have time if you want to tell me."

"It's stupid. He... kind of turned up at my place one day, drunk and he confessed out of nowhere but I couldn't reciprocate those feelings because..."

Kyungsoo let out a short snort.

"I sort of had a crush on you since... I met you and I knew that if I said yes to Chanyeol, I would never have a chance with you. Not that I would've anyway... Okay I just made everything awkward. One of the few skills I'm actually really good at."

"You had crush on me?"

"The key word here is 'used to'."

"That's funny. I 'used' to have a crush on you as well."

"No way!"

"It's true. But I couldn't do anything because I knew of Chanyeol's feelings. In fact that's... Pretty much all we ever talked about. Kyungsoo this, Kyungsoo that. And 'When will he ever realise I love him?' It was quite burdensome listening to him when I felt the same way. I was actually grateful when he suddenly stopped."

"This is crazy! We used to like each other?!"

"You have no idea how many times I've wanted to get you alone like this. Or how many times I've wanted to tell you... Neither do you know how many times I've wanted to do this..."

Yixing leaned in slowly, dimple visible in the faint moonlight and eyes half-lidded. And Kyungsoo should know better than let this happen but the sound of his heart deafened his better judgement as he closed his eyes and let the electricity of a first kiss run through his body.

Once they rejoined the party, Yixing wouldn't let go of his hand and Kyungsoo didn't want him to. Not until Jongin saw them and left soon after.

In contrast to Kyungsoo, Yixing was a romantic. He was all about taking things slow, small surprises and innocent kisses. Completely different from Jongin's heated passion and impatience.

"You and Yixing?"

Trapped in the entrance to the sports hall, Kyungsoo found himself cornered by a fuming Jongin.

"You and Sehun?"

Anger was evident in the younger's eyes as he took hold of Kyungsoo's arm and dragged him to the bathroom.

"You are unbelievable! You told me not to break up with him! And now you're dating someone else?"

"What you'd think I'd just wait until your relationship imploded on its own?"

"No! But dating someone else from our team and... parading it in front of my face seems really insensitive."

"Insensitive? Like you cheating on your boyfriend? You know what I think? I think you used me as an excuse to break up with him."

"That's insane."

"Is it? I think things were starting to move too fast for you and instead of telling him that you weren't ready to move in together, you decided it would be much easier to make him break it off instead because you were scared of a confrontation! "

"That is not... You are scared too. Admit it! I know you've been sneaking looks at me and I've been wanting you to. And then Yi-ing-xing shows up and suddenly you are all over him! If anyone used anyone, then you used me! While I actually liked you, you just wanted to get off!"

"Well if I meant so much to you why didn't you end things with Sehun anyway?!"

Jongin's eyes glistened as his full lips turned into a fine line.

"Forget it."

For the rest of the season the mood in the group changed for the worse. Practice games could turn violent and arguments were held in court instead of friendly advice. During the tournament there were no more warm hugs or 'We can do it'. And for Kyungsoo, he just wanted the season to end.

And it did.

Jongin quit the team. And slowly the family dissolved. It was sad. But Kyungsoo had Yixing. And that was good enough.

"Kyungsoo?"

Seven years had passed since the group broke up and seven years since Kyungsoo had last seen Jongin. He looked the same but with deeper creases in his forehead and around his eyes. He looked more mature but also strangely broken.

For old time's sake the two sat down in a café to catch up over a cup of coffee. Jongin told him how Sehun and him had separated shortly after he had left the club. Sehun never really trusted him again and Jongin... Jongin's thoughts were elsewhere.

"I saw you together a few years back. You looked so happy."

"I love him. And apparently I have for a very long time."

"I'm happy for you... Chanyeol, right?"

"Chanyeol ."

Yixing was the sweetest. He had taken good care of Kyungsoo and cherished him to the sky and back. Unfortunately, Chanyeol didn't take the news of them dating very well and Yixing - being the sweetheart he was ended things and made Chanyeol and Kyungsoo sit down to talk. Chanyeol had asked for one date. A chance to make Kyungsoo fall in love with him. Kyungsoo couldn't refuse his friend.

During their date, Kyungsoo realised how much he had missed Chanyeol and his goofy grin, his long clumsy limbs. Kyungsoo had been so blind, or rather too scared to admit to his own feelings. Because they were real but Chanyeol was his best friend and Kyungsoo didn't want to lose him. Except in the process of denying his feelings he had lost Chanyeol anyway.

"I'm sorry to hear about you and Sehun. Are you seeing anyone else?"

"No. I'm still... in the healing process."

"I'm sure it must have been hard ending things with him."

The look in Jongin's eyes told Kyungsoo otherwise.

"Jongin. You're not in love with me."

"I guess not. But I will never get that chance like Chanyeol did. I will always wonder... What if."

'...Me too.'

"What if I had broken up with Sehun? What if I hadn't jumped you and turned myself into a cheater? What if I had taken things slow and gotten to know you before we... What if you had been mine?"

"Jongin..."

"Oh well. I'm guessing you're not ending things with Chanyeol any time soon. I just don't know. I'm scared I won't be able to move on until I find out. But that is my mistake."

Jongin finished the rest of his coffee that was by now most likely lukewarm and bad tasting. It didn't show though as he got to his feet, a look of regret upon his face.

"Don't you ever cheat on him, okay? And never forget the reason why you fell in love... okay?"

"Okay."

"Good... Goodbye hyung. Take care?"

There was a hesitation in the way Jongin stood fidgeting with the hem of his jacket. As if finally making the decision to let Kyungsoo go.
Biting his lip, Jongin gave Kyungsoo one final nod before hurrying out the door. Never looking back even once.

A small part of Kyungsoo wanted to follow him. A distant part of him wanted more than anything to know... What if?

He wondered what would have happened if Chanyeol hadn't asked for that date.

He wondered what would have happened if Yixing hadn't shown up.

He wondered if he had fallen in love with Jongin...

But all these what ifs... The only thing they served was a headache. A small doubt and confusion.

Kyungsoo was happy with Chanyeol, his best friend and boyfriend.

He loved Chanyeol.

Chanyeol loved Kyungsoo.

It would be stupid to throw away what they had for something as fragile as a short fling, just to know how things might have turned out.
Better?
Worse?