extinguished insecurities
Description
I was afraid.
I never dared to bring myself up to him and exchange more than five sentences. He's perfect the way he is. I talked about him to my friends but never glance at him as he passes by the hallway. I never talk to him in class. I never eat whenever he is around. I always cover my face with my bangs or my hoodie if I had no make up on. I take twenty to neat my hair. This never happened. This was not me. Crush became to like.
He was the reason I was insecure. He made me realise what's embarrassing and what's not. What's cool and what's lame. What's beautiful and what's ugly. And I was at the disadvantage side of every views and I was the one who tried hard to fit in... for him. Like turns to love.
First year of high school never was my thing. I stopped trying and never bothered. I heard things about him but never asked if it was true. Why bother? He might not even know me. I heard he was desperate jerk sleeping around with every girl who reveals their upper thighs and he was a bad influence. I stopped thinking one day... I might move on. I guess I did. Love develops to hate.
The day I showed that I didn't care was the day he started showing his interest. I knew I was the next target. In some way, he wanted me as bait and then throw me away like other girls he dated. Part of me wanted his attention but my mind reminded me what I was told. He was sweet, asked me how was my day and managed to always make me flutter. I didn't want this so I occupied myself more. Even when I'm jammed packed with schedule, he would be a gentleman. It felt like he was trying to remind me that he was still baiting and it was reminding me that I might give in sooner than I think.
One thing I used to do when I had thought I needed to lose a few pounds was climbing up the 5th floor to avoid being delayed by the students. It became a habit that I couldn't stop. It was a good thing but I can't help but to always think of him whenever I do this. The 5th floor is isolated and classes were shifted down. Students never liked the idea of climbing up five stories up to just study; resulting almost everyone skipping schools. My favorite about this floor was the music room in the middle; the only place where my friends and I can express our true self.
But one day, I heard soft murmurs and the gentle strums of an acoustic guitar. I had thought it was one of my friends. As I got closer, the voice was familiar but unfamiliar at the same time. It felt like I had heard it but I never know where or when. I passed by the music room and caught silhouettes of two boys. A boy strumming to a guitar and the other one... was him. Then lines he sang were all drawing me closer to stop and hear but I was just a passer by and looked away. I memorized the lyrics straight and never bothered checking on it.
Throughout half of the year, I ignored his thoughtfulness and continued my daily routine as per normal. I had time to take a breather and I reflected what happened during the six useful months. It suddenly came to me; it's either I may not like him at all and only still care for him. Still with that conclusion in my head, I was still confused. I had thought I was a walking trash.
To think it all over, I never gave him a chance. He never had a chance. But was me admiring him secretly counted as a chance? He was too late anyway. I've only heard rumors and gossips about him but I never knew the truth. He seemed different than what people had told me.
Well maybe he is different.
Foreword
this story is dedicated to the best lamest unnie i've ever had. <3
READERS THAT'S CLUELESS YOU CAN CHOOSE TO SKIP THIS CAUSE THIS MIGHT BE BORING FOR YOU xD
happy birthday in advanced, er! OuO but by the time you're reading this, it might be your birthday (happy birthday!!) or after your birthday (happy belated birthday!!) but i'm sure you might read this on your birthday because danniy and i will be spamming you this story link on your birthday.
we planned to meet up and you know surprise you like... surprise mother mcnugget.
again when you read this, this things we planned might already happen... or not. but i'm darn sure to make this plan happen. i apologize in advance if it doesn't happen in the future >.< i still love you okyyyyyyy.
here are our messages to you:
me (your beloved ivan in the whole wide world, and the one and only cutest youngest kid at heart):
first things first (i'm the realist) i am so sorry for those things i kept from you and done to you like ohhhhhh my godddddd i don't mean any of it at all like... seriously trust this cutie dongsaeng of yours!! >.< i'm innocent! happy birthday bish. one more time complaining about your dreams, you won't only get a 'you don't chibai' baymax picture. hehe /grins.
danniy (the cutest, coolest and meaniest dongsaeng you will ever have!!!):
well thanks to you lameass mcspicy unnie who always has the time to entertain my crap. i know i am you favourite dongsaeng cause you knowwwww we are twinziess~~~ sorry i have ever mad you mad or sad or offended!! you know hanot is always harsh and straight forwardd xD
btwwwwwww thank you for always being there for pats and i. thank you for always listening to us. thank you so much to the extend that i hope jimin will appear next to you. BUT DONT WATERFALL AHHH HAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!! thank you and happ birthday to you mahfakah. love you loads~~~
THIS IS HANOT 24/7 CANNOT!!!!!
rose (your beloved sassy, beautiful and cutest innocent maknae):
i'm not good at saying this but... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST UNNIE
i'll try my best to keep updating okies. you know anyways thanks for listening to my problems and helping me i can't recall but you did. i'm sorry if i did something bad or anything to you. even thought we're not close whatever, despite age difference but you're the best unnie in the world and you will always be. and i like your voice though.. it's nice lol but it's really true. i'll buy you a present that's memorable okies. and enjoy your wonderful birthday to the prettiest unnie. saranghae~!
rr (the coolest kid on da lost planet [exo]):
my 사랑아!~ happy 17th bday ufa!~ may Allah bless you and family always. i miss you NUGGET! i hope you'll have a blast year this year and the upcoming years! may not be there for you always but all the best for your future endeavors. in life theres ups and downs, you just have to go through it bcos at the end of the day, everything will be alright! everything happens for a reason and bear this in mind that its for your own good. hehe just a lil life motivation hahaha lol!
stay
beautiful, sing aloooot bcos you have one hella beautiful voice babe! stay bubbly, funny and always be the reason why people laugh! i know you like it when someone laughs at yo joke HAHA! Dont worry what others think of you bcos it doesn't matter. what you think of yoself does ;) i miss hanging out with you lyke the good old times~ i always had a good time hanging out with you altho sometimes we're heading to no where but lepak and chatter here and there. i feel comfortable around you and i hope so do you :) remember terminal san? haha
i apologize if i have been a very bad friend or i wasnt there when you need someone to listen to you. i'm sorry i wasnt a help when you just started working at *insert place* i feel very bad now thinking about it but i hope your futureworkplace would be better hehe! forgive all my wrong doings intentionally or not as I will do the same. always pray for me in your prayers and in shaa Allah i will do the same.
i dont wish this friendship to end although we dont text each other everyday like we used to. just so you know, theres only one Muqsith An-Nur Yusufa that i know and that is you and even if anyone i meet in the future have the same name as you, it wont be the same. i also dont wish to use past tense whenever i'm talking about you, bcos i want this friendship to be a long lasting one <3
last but not least, if you're ever in doubt ((bc teenagers are always in doubts lol))) seek advice from someone you trust or just turn to Him and pray for the best ;) oh! and im taking Olevel this year(!!!!) wish me luck :9
and again, happy sweet17!! meet up soon aites bcos only He knows how much i'm missing you and only we know how long it has been. 사랑아 you!~
P.S: I CANT THINK OF ANY NICKNAME BUUUT AFTER READING THIS LONG LETTER I HOPE YOU KNOW WHO I AM. RR. ITS OBVIOUS, right?
last updated: 7/2/14
no. of messages: 4
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