Sooner or later you realize you’ve been wrong the whole time. It was never about the money or the fame, or the appearance, or your situation in life in general. She was with you simply because she loved you. She didn’t love the public Jay – the one your fans knew; the funny one, the person who joked about anything and always tried to make everyone around him happy, the one who always put everyone’s needs before his own and never doubted those decisions. She loved the real Jay, the one who has been hurt many times before, the one who sometimes felt lonely but always looked happy on the outside. The lost boy who has experienced failures many times before but was able to get back on his feet. The one who feared love for so long, he was actually terrified when he let somebody in.

 You recall all of the times you got mad at her for being too concerned about you – the way you confronted her and at times even raised your voice at her for being “silly”, as you liked to call it. And not only that, all of the other little things she used to do for you but you found annoying – how she nagged at you for coming home late, the motherly tone she used when she reminded you to rest whenever you can. 

 You come home late at night to an empty home, and that home actually turned into just a house now. A building with no meaning whatsoever. There’s no sign left of the pleasant atmosphere that used to be roaming around the apartment you two used to share. Her stuff are no longer left anywhere around the room, with you insisting that she shouldn’t be so messy. No, now it’s all empty and it seems hopeless. Like a never ending routine. You go to work early in the morning, spend as much time as you can in the studio. Then, if the guys are in the mood for it, you go out clubbing and you come back “home”, pass out in bed and have not enough amount of sleep and then repeat it on the next day. Other times you decide to try something new and go into a bar alone. Not a club but a bar. To luxurious ones, of course, you have to keep a reputation after all.

 On rare occasions when you don’t feel like going out, you just cuddle up in the way too big bed and let emotions take over you. Jay Park, the fresh prince of Seoul, the AOMG king. Just a pathetic ball of emotions. And you feel even worse when you realize how hopeless you are. For letting the only source of true happiness go. You knew she could understand. That you can’t be always there for her. That sometimes, actually most of the time, you’ll get on her nerves and drive her insane. That you’ll stay out late, you won’t warn her when an emergency pops out. That you can’t always hold her when she’s crying or cuddle her when there’s a thunderstorm outside even though you know how afraid she is of that. And she was okay with that. She loved you. 

 But did you really have to do that? To get so drunk the other night that you couldn’t even walk right through the door without stumbling? To yell at her for suffocating you when all she did was trying to help you? To tell her that you’re sick of her, to make her leave you? And not even follow her when she rushed out of the house, crying, alone, in the middle of the night? 

 Indeed, yes, you deserve to feel like that for making someone so precious to you feel so bad. But you’re used to those thoughts. It’s nothing new, nothing that can surprise you. And those thoughts will come back tomorrow. And the day after that. And every time when your mind is not occupied with work or when you’re sober. They’re haunting you just like her face follows you everywhere. Sure, you’ve tried to get her off you mind but not successfully.  Eventually you come with peace with the fact that you ed up. A big time, actually. It was all your fault and now you have to deal with the consequences for the rest of your life. Eventually this will finish one day, you’ll come to peace with the destructive thoughts of a lost change. And soon those memories are the only thing to which you can cling to, to help you get through the day.

 Yes, you’ve become pathetic like that.