Not Sad

It’s past two in the morning and Kibum can’t sleep.

Taemin, on the other hand, is asleep. Deeply so. He’s curled into a comfortable ball under the felt blanket and, as if to taunt Kibum, makes breathy little noises that are probably the cutest snores in human history.

It’s raining and everything is so warm and cosy in the nest that Kibum and Taemin have made in the middle of their bed, but Kibum can’t sleep.

When Taemin wraps an arm around Kibum’s turtle plushie in his sleep and sighs the most contented little sigh, Kibum has to repress the urge to smother him with a pillow. Instead, he takes his laptop off the dresser and settles down at the foot of the bed, deciding to do something a little more productive than being jealous of Taemin.

Since he’s feeling a little anti-social at the moment, Kibum decides against logging on to any form of social media and instead checks the queue of movies he’s downloaded for watching. It’s a pretty varied list, but the one that catches his eye is an old Disney movie he had downloaded on impulse.

The Land Before Time.

 It’s something he watched when he was little, and he remembers bawling so hard into his grandmother’s skirt that she threw the VCR out and scolded his parents for irresponsible movie-choosing. Figuring that he’d old enough to get through it now, he plugs his earphones in and presses play. 

It’s all fine until Littlefoot hatches and the narrator explains how he and his mother are the last of their kind – that is to say, it stops being fine very early on into the movie. Kibum knows that Littlefoot’s mother will die, but it still doesn’t stop his heart from clenching when the T-rex bites into her. He almost turns the movie off right there, but he’s feeling a little stubborn tonight and decides to tough it out. Kibum makes it through the farewell scene without crying, where Littlefoot’s mother lies dying in the pouring rain, but it’s a close call.

What finally gets the tears flowing is when Littlefoot wanders through the desert alone, still clutching that last tree star his mother had given him. And that’s when it happens; Littlefoot spots a large long-neck shadow against a cliff – his own shadow – and mistakes it for this mother.

The thing is, Kibum wonders, why are his tears flowing when he isn’t sad? He knows this scene, knows it’s going to happen. It’s not like it’s catching him by surprise.

As Littlefoot the rock, he starts sniffling. Again, it puzzles him. He’s not sad at all.

When Littlefoot says “Mother?”, Kibum sobs. One sob turns into two and suddenly he’s weeping for no reason at all. 

“Hyung?”

. He didn’t mean to wake Taemin. He tries to tell his boyfriend that he’s fine, but the only thing that comes out of his mouth is a strangled gurgle that sounds nothing like ‘fine’.

“.” Taemin throws his blanket off and scoots forward to sit up beside him. “Hyung, what’s wrong?”  

“Nothing’s wrong.” Kibum is proud of himself for articulating the words, despite the fact that his voice is pitched two octaves higher than normal.

“Why are you crying?” Taemin’s brows scrunch up in that cute way they do when he’s perplexed. Kibum wants to punch him in the face for being so adorable, and then he remembers why he started watching the damned movie in the first place.

“It’s your fault,” he says, sniffling thickly.

“What did I do?”

“I couldn’t sleep, and you were so happy sleeping that I wanted to kill you, and then I decided to watch a movie and then all this happened…”

Taemin pulls the laptop away from him and looks at the screen. “Oh, this movie. Yeah, it’s quite sad.”

“It’s not sad at all!” Kibum exclaims. “I’m not sad. I know his stupid mother is going to die, and I know he’s going to think he’s seen her again, and it won’t be her.” He sniffs. “I’m not sad,” he repeats.

“O-okay,” Taemin replies. He looks completely baffled now, the idiot.

“I don’t even know why I’m crying.” Kibum’s not sobbing anymore, but there are still tears dripping off his chin. He must look really ugly now, he thinks, all swollen-faced and snotty.

Taemin closes his laptop without turning it off and puts it aside. Kibum is about to tell him off – this is why Taemin’s things don’t last – when he’s enveloped in a hug.

It’s an unexpected thing, this hug. Kibum wants to protest, but Taemin’s arms are surprisingly sturdy and there’s something undeniably nice about the way his head is tucked under Taemin’s chin, so Kibum lets it be. When Taemin starts making shushing noises though, Kibum has to speak up.

“I’m not-”

“Sad. I know. You’re not sad and you’re not crying because of the movie.”

“I’m really not.”

“Who’s arguing with you?”

“Me?” Kibum sighs, and cuddles further into Taemin’s arms. “Ugh. I don’t even know anymore. What is wrong with me?”

There’s no response from Taemin save the younger pulling him closer. Kibum allows himself to be held; it’s not often that they get to just cuddle like this. The rain patters a soothing beat against the windows, and Kibum starts to feel a little silly for his breakdown earlier. He’s confused too, as to whether it was caused by the movie or his frustration at his inability to sleep. Maybe it was both.

“Taemin-ah,” he calls, feeling a ridiculous rush of affection for his boyfriend. Taemin may not be the most observant person, and he’s useless at comforting people, but Kibum loves the way Taemin never questions him when he’s upset, loves the way that Taemin doesn't take offense at all the mean things Kibum says when he's like this, loves the way Taemin just knows that what Kibum really wants - despite the fact that he can never bring himself to admit it - is to feel loved.

There is no answer.

Then, a quiet little snore.

The nerve of that bastard, Kibum thinks, as he wriggles out of his sleeping boyfriend’s arms. Of all the members, he’s the only one who takes afternoon naps, and he can still fall asleep sitting up?

“Boke-doongi,” Taemin mumbles, arms clutching around air even as Kibum gently manoeuvres him into a more comfortable position, and Kibum’s desire to suffocate his boyfriend returns.

Still, it’s with a smile that he deposits the turtle plushie in Taemin’s arms – alright, he’s not actually angry with Taemin, and who could be anyway, when he’s so awfully cute – and tucks the blankets around them.

Outside, it’s still raining.

~~~~~

Hi!

As always, please leave me a wee little review if you liked it (or if you didn't). This actually happened to me a little while ago. I watched The Land Before Time and bawled my eyes out, all the while confused because I wasn't sad? I didn't have a hot, snuggly significant other to cuddle with, though :(

I will update These Violent Delights soon, I promise.