Somebody told me you were leaving, I didn't know.
Somebody told me you're unhappy, but it doesn't show.
Somebody told me that you don't want me no more, so you're walking out the door.

Nobody told me you’ve been cryin’ every night
Nobody told me you’d been dyin’ but didn’t want to fight
Nobody told me that you fell out of love from me So I’m settin’ you free

I never suspected anything.

We've been together long enough for me to confidently say that I know everything about you. We’ve been lovers for five years already but our relationship was stretched way back in high school where we’re merely two boys with lanky bodies considering each other his best pal.

I know if you're happy even if you're not smiling, just the way your eyes will shine and twinkle when you get something you really want or when something you've been waiting for happen. I love how you will be happy just because I decided to buy you a small slice of strawberry cake from the nearest cafe from my office. We ate there once and your eyes glittered when you saw the strawberry cake displayed there and ordered a slice of it immediately. You really looked like a kid that time but I could care less. You said you were really happy because you've been craving for the sweet treat but never got the chance to eat there again. I guess the kisses and hugs you gave me before snatching the cake away were enough rewards for me. 

I also know when you're excited for something that you couldn't stay still on your seat like you've had enough sweets to stay awake for the whole week. Like when I casually handed you two front row tickets for a concert of your favorite band. I almost felt jealous that time if only not because of the kisses you peppered my face with, an adorable gummy smile formed on your lips. You kept on thanking me and exclaiming that I'm the best boyfriend ever and you're not gonna let me go even if aliens will come and claim me as their long lost family member. I could only smile and silently thank the heavens that my waiting in line for five freaking hours outside the venue in the cold was not put to waste.

I know the way you bite your lower lip if something's bothering you that I'll just have to keep quiet and wait for a while before you'll approach me and ask me for my opinion, not enduring the way a thought was bothering you. Out of the blue you will argue trying to squeeze a reasonable explanation out of me and won't give up until you are finally satisfied with my answer. Then you will give your side, sometimes forgetting that I was there listening to you when you will start mumbling words on your own, making them contradict each other so you could know to which decision you really stand on. Then if you're finally tired, you will puff your cheeks and blow your fringe away. You will be annoyed and will start complaining on me on why things should be complicated. I could only shake my head, my lips curving in an amused smile. I don't even know why you're getting worked up with such trivial matters when they really don't concern you at all. To make you calm down, I will simply pull you towards me and back hug you, burying my nose on your nape while tightening my arms around you. Then you will sigh and finally lean closer and I could finally feel how your heartbeat had slowed down.

I know if you're nervous because of how you will keep on biting your thumbnail like when you went to an interview and I volunteered to accompany you. I remember how I had to slap your hand away because your nail had been cut too short it was close to bleeding and only God knows what will happen if you'll see blood. The moment your name was called, you looked at me through the glass window separating our places and even though I wanted to approach you and hug you seeing how your eyes were practically telling me to get you out of there, I clenched my fists and instead uttered 'fighting!', giving you an encouraging smile. It broke my heart when I saw how your shoulders fell when you stood up. I know you really wanted that job and you're just scared that you will fail the interview so I had to push you back there. At the end I never regretted them when you came out of the room half an hour later with a bright victorious smile on you pretty face silently telling me that you got the job.

When you're sad, you never bother to hide your sadness. You will cry if you want to since you always tell me it lessens the burden in your heart. Even if it's just because of a movie where the hero died saving the heroine, or when you will watch an unfortunate news on t.v. Most of the time you will cry because someone you know got dumped by their special someone or when your friend broke up with their lover. Your eyes will be filled with sadness as tears kept on flowing down your beautiful brown orbs, your nose running that I had to sometimes stifle a chuckle. As much as I'm worried about you, I couldn't help but inwardly coo on how adorable you looked even when you're crying. I will say nothing and just hold you tight in my arms, my right hand caressing your back while the left was patting your hair to comfort you. We'll stay like that for a while until your sobs will subside and later on, your breathing will be slow and even. I will notice how you will lean all your weight on me and find you finally sleeping. Crying always exhaust the life out of you. Breathing a sigh of relief, I will adjust our position and let you sleep in my arms until you'll wake up on your accord.

I can also tell if you're jealous even though you keep on denying it and acting as if you're not affected. You decided to surprise me on my place of work only to see me walking out with a colleague of mine clinging to my arm like a koala. I was surprised and very happy to see you silently waiting for me by the entrance. I pulled her with me and introduced you as my boyfriend, the love of my life. You bowed and smiled stiffly as to keep being polite, your eyes glancing on her arms on mine from time to time. Your actions were so subtle but I know if you're forcing yourself into doing something or not. She had a big smile on her face and greeted you but never bothered to let me go. She has always been like that and honestly speaking, she was ecstatic to meet you since I've been always telling her about you. She was only like that not because she liked me romantically but because she claimed me as her older brother in the office. She even told me that she wanted me to meet her parents so that she could finally convince them to adopt me as their son. I had to suppress a grin when you unconsciously answered her questions in a cold manner leaving her slightly flabbergasted. I noticed how you heaved a sigh of relief when she finally let go of me and bid us goodbye, telling us that she have to meet her boyfriend. When the two of us were finally left alone, you started giving me the cold shoulder but I could only smile on how adorable you were that time. We decided to spend some time on the mall and the way you're clinging on me worse than her on the same arm was enough for me to know how bad you are erasing her traces on me. It was rather childish but I loved you more because of that.

I rarely witnessed you being angry. You in general are a happy person and nothing angers you unless someone important to you was involved. If a person had been mocking you or doing something not nice to you, you'll just shrug your shoulders and turn your back on them not bothering to fight back saying you won't waste your time and energy on someone like them. But one day you went home with a deep frown and a bruise starting to form at the side of your lower lip. I started to panic as I ran towards the kitchen shouting at you to take a seat on the sofa while I prepared an ice pack for you. I bugged you countless times to tell me what happened. You kept your mouth shut but the frown only got deeper and I noticed how your body was trembling really hard, your fists clenched tight that your knuckles turned white. Holding your shaking hand, I gave it a squeeze silently telling you that you can trust me. You finally looked up and I was surprised to see your eyes welling with tears.

Turned out some of your coworkers were saying bad things about me.

I remembered that time when I dropped by your office so we could go home together. I saw you walking out of the building alone with a serious expression on your face. I was about to call you when I noticed a few guys and girls talking with each other in a whisper while not-so-subtly looking at you. I raised my brows when you looked back at them and immediately they froze and turned away. Approaching me with a small smile, I threw them a curious look when they followed your actions with hawk-like eyes. I leaned closer in attempt of kissing you on the cheek but much to my surprise you held my face and kissed me full on the lips. I widened my eyes but soon closed it and just enjoyed the moment. It's not everyday that you will initiate skinships. Still breathless, we separated and even though my mind was still in a daze, I saw how you looked at them, face void of expression but eyes challenging.

I didn't know what was the real deal between them and you until that fateful night. You were still crying hard in anger while narrating on how they called us the f-word and even telling you how low class I am for being with you. I was stunned. I thought you will be angry because of the way they were treating you but no. You got angry because they involved me. I smiled gently as I put the ice bag down and scooped you in my arms hugging you like the real baby that you are. The next day I was not really surprised to see you going inside our home with a big box in hand containing your things from the office. Asking you what happened, you merely shrugged and nonchalantly told me you quit your job because you couldn't work with people like them.  I was broken that time if I were to be honest.  I know how you loved your job but as to not make things worse you decided to just resign. You tried to act like it was nothing but the sadness reflecting in your eyes told me otherwise. We slept really late that night because you insisted that you don't have work the next day and even though we don't have the same schedule since I still need to wake up early, I stayed with you watching random shows while continuously giving them criticisms that were too harsh but I knew that was just your way of diverting your anger and sadness.

I thought I really know everything about you, but I guess I really don't.

It was your off that day and I decided to come back home earlier than my usual and just take you outside for some bonding time when I was surprised to see you and your best friend Kyuhyun talking seriously by the living room. He shot me an unreadable expression while you had that solemn look on your face. The atmosphere became tensed and even though I'm confused, I suddenly found it hard to breathe. Did I do something wrong that made you upset? Did something happen while I was away? Millions of questions ran inside my mind I felt a little dizzy if not because of the wall I was leaning on to I would have fell to the floor. Kyuhyun whispered something at you then once again looked at me, not blankly but with sympathy. Giving my shoulder a pat, he passed by me and went straight to the door and out of our house.

I was very worried especially when you stood up and smiled at me but it didn't reach your eyes that were red and slightly puffy. I was debating on asking you what's wrong but the thought left my mind when you acted like nothing was wrong and I was only worrying over nothing.


 

Things went back to normal and I thought everything was okay until I had an unexpected lunch invitation. I went to the agreed restaurant and there I saw Kyuhyun sitting on a secluded corner. I swallowed thickly before my feet moved towards him. The air was heavy and thick I bet I could cut it with a knife. He's not saying anything yet, his full attention on the food in front of him. I tried to act normally and kept my own eyes on my plate but the appetite just didn't visit me that time.

Halfway through the dessert he insisted on ordering, he cleared his throat and it immediately caught my attention. Putting his spoon down, he looked me straight in the eyes and right there I received the news I didn't want to believe. The food as well as the words got caught on my throat I thought I was suffocated. I looked down and noticed how my hands were trembling that I had to carefully put my utensils down. I gazed on his eyes to find anything that can tell me that he's lying but I found nothing. His words were hard and cold but still, the concern was there. He told me everything and all those time I was contemplating on hitting the man in front of me for telling such lies, words that I knew and hoped were not true, not until I could hear it from your own lips. I couldn't do that though. Not when I know it was never in his character to tell lies especially on things like this.

I know it took him a lot of effort and consideration to speak to me. He was never the type to include his self in an issue that really doesn't involve him. Although thinking thoroughly, I know he's just worried about you, about us. I tried to rewind everything but there is nothing that could justify his words. If ever those really were happening, I at least must have seen something. 

But, no. Nothing.

It's either I'm blind or you were just too good in hiding things from me.

Kyuhyun excused himself, paid the bill and left but not before giving me an encouraging hug. I wasn't able to return it though since I couldn't find my strength to even move my fingers. It seemed like my soul left my body that moment. My eyes began to hurt as my vision blurred. A waiter paused by my table and asked me if I'm okay. I looked at him and saw how worried he was. Nodding I stood up from my seat with wobbly legs. I lost my balance and thankfully the waiter was able to catch me. He escorted me until I reached my car and was unconvinced on leaving me alone. He finally left with a sigh when I didn't bother to answer him.

The events after that passed by like blur. I went home and saw you preparing our dinner at the kitchen. You saw me and smiled widely back at me. I stared blankly at you weighing on whether it was real or not. Your best friend's words suddenly made me feel uncertain if I really do know you or not anymore. You furrowed your brows and immediately made your way to me asking me if I'm feeling unwell or something. I shook my head and told you I'm alright, just tired from work. Beaming, told me to wash since dinner will be done soon and you cooked my favorite dish.

I didn't tell you about my meeting with Kyuhyun since it seemed like you know nothing about it. I tried to act and think like nothing's wrong but my mind can't betray me. Unconsciously I observed your every action, looking for clues that may justify your best friend's words. Thankfully, I didn't see anything.

I thought maybe Kyuhyun was just testing me. I was convinced that that was the case until that one night when I couldn't sleep. I turned my head to my side and saw you sleeping peacefully with your back me. My eyes raked on your blond hair, to your flawless nape down to your not-so muscular but lean back that was covered with your plain white shirt. I refrained myself from moving afraid that I might wake you up. Noticing you move I widened my eyes and immediately closed them. Not seeing anything, I felt you turned and scooted closer to me. My heart broke when I heard you sobbing softly obviously trying to control yourself. You started talking between your sobs, every word felt like arrows being shot directly to my heart I could feel my chest tightening. Words of sorrow and apology filled my ears, your voice hushed but very broken, trembling with each syllable you uttered.

I clenched my fists to stop myself from hugging and assuring you that everything will be alright but really, is everything still alright?

Only when you were finally asleep in my arms did I have the courage to open my eyes and stare at your frowning face. Slowly, I lifted my hand and gently pressed it between your brows to flatten the lines. I leaned closer and kissed both of your eyes, the tip of your nose, both cheeks, then your lips, my own lingering there longer than I intended. I put slight pressure but my feelings were overflowing. As I kept pressing against you, my tears started to stream down some even landed on your cheeks but I guess you were too exhausted from crying that it didn't wake you up to which I'm glad. If being free is what you wanted, I could give it to you just, please, give me some time.

 

Let me be the one to break it up
So you won’t have to make excuses
We don’t need to find a set up where
Someone wins and someone loses
We just have to say our love was true
But has now become a lie
So I’m tellin’ you I love you one last time and goodbye

You're surprised right? I might be pampering you before but the following days, I began to spoil you even more. You didn't complain or suspect anything because being affectionate runs in my blood. I guess it guilt you that I'm the one doing everything so you made a sumptuous dinner one night I came home from work.

Once I opened the door, the smell of the food invaded my system and I had to close my eyes first to savor everything. With careful steps, I made my way to the kitchen and saw you cooking there with your back me, a soft humming coming from you. Your red apron was nicely wrapped around your waist. You were still wearing your office clothes; white long sleeved shirt that were currently folded up to your elbows with your black dress pants, only minus the coat.

You must have heard me so you turned around and beamed brightly at me. You told me dinner will be done shortly. I smiled back and turned to our room to change clothes and prepare yours as well.

The dinner was fine just like how we always do it. You told me how your day went and asked me how mine passed as well. You were rather talkative that night while I spoke barely unless I was needed to. I know you only tried to act normal but as I began to be more attentive, it was quite obvious that you're just setting up a façade.

You were far from being happy.

I took a big gulp from my glass and put it down slowly, my eyes darted down to my thighs. My grip on my glass tightened as I bit my lower lip. I love you, I really do. But I don't think I could sit here and act like I can't see how you were hurting and how selfish I am for still keeping you beside me when you wanted to be anywhere else but here.

Your words were interrupted by me when I told you I have something important to tell you. Silence filled the air and I know you’re already confused but nonetheless urged me to continue.

Taking a deep breath, I finally said those words.

I told you we're done.

Those words felt really bitter on my mouth that I had to swallow hard. I heard how you stopped eating and when I looked up, I saw you staring at me in surprise. No words followed. You were too stunned to speak and I was too afraid to say something. Please tell me I'm wrong. Please tell me that you really love me and won't leave me. I'm begging you, assure me that you still want to be with me and that your feelings for me didn't change.

Why.

That was the only word you said after a while.

Why?

I don't want you to suffer being in a relationship only I wanted to continue. I want to be the one ending the relationship to find a little comfort on the fact that even though you're still my life, I was the one who decided to end this and not put all of the blame on you. That even though I'm the only one hanging on, I still pushed you away. That way, I won't wallow in self-pity and curse you endlessly for breaking my heart.

I said I didn't love you anymore and I wanted to be free. Did you know that those are not my genuine feelings but yours? I know you just don't have the courage to break up since you don't want seeing me get hurt and you're still considerate of my feelings. If I will be ending this then you won't have the guilt of leaving me behind crying and all broken inside.

But if I were to be asked, I want you to say no and instead, tell me you still love me and will stay here until I will learn to love you again. Tell me that you won't give up on me and on our relationship. Say that whatever's going on inside my head will be settled if I will just tell you everything and together we will find a way to resolve it.

You began to cry your heart out. Each sob from you made my heart crack. You know I hate seeing or hearing you cry. If you want to cry, I will cry for you. Your tears are so precious I don't want them being spent on something or someone not worth of it. Like me. I don't even deserve them. But I know. I know you already spent thousands of them because of me and I don't want to add more of it.

I focused on you as I tried to keep my expression stoic, void from any emotion. If only I could stand up then approach you and hug you tight to wipe your tears away then I would. But I can't, and mustn't.

I finally made this decision and even though it is very hard for me I'm willing to set you free.

I followed you to our bedroom and saw you gathering your pillows then got an extra blanket from the closet. I stopped you by holding your arm. You jerked away and stared at me wide-eyed. Shaking my head, I took them from your hands and went out to the living room. There is no way I will let you sleep uncomfortably. Even though I told you 'I don't love you anymore' doesn't mean I won't treat like what I always do. You're my princess. I will always give you my best and the best I could come up with in everything.

That night, I couldn't sleep not because of the hard sofa against my back but because of the emptiness I felt. I'm used to sleeping next to you, feeling your warmth and slow breathing lulling me to sleep every time I'm feeling restless. But that particular time, only the blanket accompanied me. Hearing your stifled sobs from our room didn't help either. That sleepless night let me think about all of this. I thought, how am I supposed to survive without you by my side? You are my life and you will always be. Our relationship had gone through a lot of ups and downs I could say we had a strong foundation for what we had. How can one continue when he doesn't have his life with him?

It's like I will be starting with baby steps again. I have to start teaching myself to get used to living without you. for me though. It was easy for me to get used to be with you but your absence kills me.

I wonder. Did you find someone else already? Did that one person take all of your love for me and claim it as his? Or did you just get tired of being with me for so long, doing the same things all the time? Questions spontaneously passed by mind so fast and to prevent myself from totally going nuts, I didn't entertain any of them. It's not like I will get any answers plus would it even matter anymore? Will it bring our lost love back? Will they bring you back to me?

I guessed not.

I stood up from the sofa to check up on you when I didn't hear you anymore. Slowly opening the door, I peeked and saw your still figure on the bed wrapped with the thick blanket only your blond hair was visible. Tiptoeing my way, I halted by the side of the bed. I looked down and gazed on your face that was still wet with tears. It broke my heart as I carefully brushed those tears away. I leaned closer and kissed your forehead. I didn't pull away immediately. I know this is the last time I will be able to do this to you. Tears started to fall from my eyes and I had to cover my mouth to prevent my loud sobs from waking you up.

I sniffed and brought my hand up to your cheek carefully caressing it. Will I still have the chance to do this again? All along I thought our love will be able to pass through everything that this relationship will be forever. Well, now I know I was wrong. The longer I look at your face the harder it is for me to let you go.

Why must things end this way?

Not being able to hold it any longer, I fell on my knees and bowed down, crying my heart out. My hands reached for yours under the blanket and squeezed them tight. I don't care anymore if I wake you up. I wanted to tell you how much I love you. I wanted to tell you that I won't let you go and together, I know we can solve this problem of ours. That is, if you will let me.

I looked up and sighed when you didn't budge. So you cried your heart out to exhaustion huh? But even though you're sleeping still your face showed nothing but pain. Are you still hurting even when asleep? Are you dreaming of bad dreams? I hovered a little over you and pressed the frown off your face and went back to kneeling. Lifting your hands, I kissed each of your fingers and lastly passed a long peck on the back of your hands. I know me acting this way while you're unconscious was unfair to you but this was the only way for me to be this close to you for the last time.

For the last time.

.

Just thinking of those words and how things for us will be after this made my heart constrict, the pain on my chest made it difficult for me to breathe. Gripping my shirt, I massaged my chest a little hoping for that pain to disappear. Well who am I kidding? Of course it won't be gone. It will stay there until I finally moved on or, excuse my delusional mind, you will come back to me.

I fell flat on my with my back pressed against the side of the bed. I sighed as I hugged my knees burying my face between them. I'm tired; physically and emotionally tired. I am so tired I don't think I even have the strength to cry anymore. My body started to scream for rest but my legs couldn't carry me anymore that I noticed my eyelids started to slowly dropped.

Somebody told me you still loved me I don’t know why
Nobody told me that you only needed time to fly
Somebody told me that you want to come back when
Our love is real again

I furrowed my brows when I wrapped my body with the blanket tightly preventing the cold air from passing through it straight to my body. I moved my hands to the side, seeking for additional warmth when I fully gained my consciousness and snapped my eyes open. I shot up from the bed immediately shivering when the blanket fell from my shoulders. Rubbing my eyes and blinking them few times, I tried to push the sleepiness aside. Looking around, I realized I was in our room on our bed plus your lack of presence. If I remembered correctly, I fell asleep sitting on the floor and not lying on our bed.

I let out a gasp and pushed the thick cloth away from me, hurriedly getting off the bed and went straight to the living room. I frantically looked around and noticed no soul around.

I felt my stomach dropped.

With trembling body, I walked back to our room. Roaming my eyes, I stopped my gaze on our shared closet. Gulping loudly, I slowly reached out still with trembling hands to the handle and slowly pulled it open. All those time I kept my eyes closed afraid on what I will see.

Everything was silent and all I could hear was the loud beating of my heart that seemed too deafening at the moment. I was always used to waking up to your melodious voice plus your laughter that rings all throughout the house when I will grab you by the waist to have my morning cuddle instead of actually getting up to prepare for work.

I shook my head. This was not the time to reminisce.

Slowly opening my eyes, I held my breath as I took in the view in front of me and immediately my heart broke.

All I could see were my clothes. Your space was empty as if nothing had been there in the first place. I opened the drawers below it where your other clothes are usually kept but found none. You didn't leave anything for me. Whipping my head to the bathroom, I ran towards it hoping that maybe you left your soap and shampoo there. We always use different scents but the same brand, vanilla for me and strawberry for you. When I saw them, I don't know what to think.

Your strawberry liquid soap and shampoo were still there but mine were missing. Could it be that you took it intentionally or you're just in such a hurry that you took the wrong ones?

I smiled a little. It meant I could just use your things when I'm missing you so much -meaning all the time- so I will just imagine you near me as I smell your scent all around me.

I looked so pathetic.

Lifelessly walking out of the bathroom, I stopped at the middle of the bedroom and glanced up, roaming my eyes around. My gaze stopped at the bedside table where I noticed a small white folded paper.

I practically dragged myself there, feeling my feet getting heavier with each pull and plopped on the bed. I locked my eyes on it like a fool waiting for the paper to open and present itself to me on its own. I slammed my hand on top of it and slowly picked it up, my hand trembling when my name written on top of it passed my sight.

It was only folded but to me it seemed like it was glued and stapled several times that I found it very difficult to open. Or maybe I just didn't want to really open it in the first place.

Hae,

First of all, thank you for even considering opening this letter even though I know you know what this piece of paper will be about. Maybe by the time you're reading this I'm already on a train going somewhere far away. It's for the best though because I don't know if I will still be able to go if we will still face each other.

I woke up and found you sleeping beside the bed without anything to cover you with. Are you stupid or what? You know how bad your body with cold is so you shouldn't let yourself freeze like that. Remember to drink some hot tea later okay? I stocked some chamomile and passion fruit tea at the cupboards. We're running out of them and knowing they're your favorite I immediately bought them for you. Also your medicines for colds are almost out so don't forget to buy some at the drugstore okay? I'm sorry I forgot to get some before.

I took your liquid soap and shampoo. I never liked strawberry in the first place anyway. It was your idea to have me use it because you said you love smelling me with that strawberry scent. I've always wanted the vanilla scent so it's mine now.

I lied. I only loved it because I could smell it on you.

Can I tell you one secret?

I love someone so deeply he is my life. We met rather through a silly circumstance but it was what made him a lot more attractive and the memory unforgettable for me. I still remember our first encounter. I was at a pet shop buying some dog food for my pet when a certain brunet arguing with the veterinarian caught my attention. He was holding a small fish bowl with a fish turned upside down. He got the best of my curiosity that I subtly listened to him. Soft giggles came from me when I noticed how he resembled a little child arguing with a classmate proving to him that pets have magic powers that make their owners love them.

What they're arguing of you ask?

The vet insisted that the fish is already dead but the brunet shook his head and said that "No! My Mr. ShinyPie is only sleeping! He thought he's on a bed that's why he's lying like that!"

I honestly don't know if he's only kidding or plain stupid. 

The doctor sighed in defeat and gave the guy a small pat on the shoulder, whispering his condolences to him. He turned around and started attending to other customers leaving the guy pouting like a child. I was not aware of my movements until I practically jumped in surprise when the brunet suddenly talked to me.

“Yes?” He asked.

I was caught off-guard I didn’t know what to say. It turned out I was actually staring at his dead fish all those time. I apologized, wondering that maybe I had offended him. He merely shrugged it off and smiled at me telling me it was okay. But the gesture was gone the moment his eyes fell on his dead fish, the deep pout immediately replacing his smile.

I didn’t know what to do so being the shallow guy that I am, I asked him.

“Want to eat some ice cream?”

The way his eyes lit at the mention of the cold treat was so cute I giggled at that.

“I’m Hyukjae by the way.” I introduced myself as I held out my hand.

“I’m Donghae! Nice to meet you!” He said as he shook my hand, smile wide and as bright as the sun it made me feel all warm inside.

Everything continued from there and before I knew it I already fell in love with you. It scared the life out of me because I knew all you could see me of was a friend. Until the day you confessed to me.

I was so happy that time. At that very moment, I knew I was already complete, that I already found my proper place beside you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life.

Everything was perfect. We decided to live together so we rented a small apartment that we now called home. All fell into place like they’re meant to happen. We’re always together; eating together, laughing together, crying together, doing everything together. You know me like the back of your hand most of the time you didn’t need my words to know what’s going on with me. But of course like any other couples we also had our hard times. We argue and most of the time it will last the whole day but what made me love you more was when you will approach me only to apologize no matter whose fault it was, trying to settle things before we’ll go to bed. When I asked you, you told me a way to a healthy relationship is to settle things before going to sleep. Do not let the arguments go on until the next morning. It’s not healthy sleeping with a burden on our chests because of some childish argument. I guessed because I agreed with you that it became a habit of ours.

Though I’m still thankful that you’re always the one willing to apologize between us. My pride’s too high for that, I’m sorry.

Can I tell you another secret?

I didn’t know how or when it started but I doubted my feelings for you. I couldn’t say that I fell out of love for you. No, that’s not the case. It’s just that… I think I just need some space for myself. What’s funny was I needed some alone-time but at the same time I don’t want to be away from you.

Crazy right?

That’s what Kyu and I were talking about that one time you went home and saw us. I’m so confused I don’t know what to do and I could only confide to my best friend. I know you’re open-minded and that you will always understand me but I’m afraid that I might hurt you. That’s the last thing I wanted to do; hurt you. I was selfishly trying my all to keep you by my side that I failed to see how you on the other hand wanted to be free… free from me.

I’m sorry if I became too focused on my own insecurities that I failed to notice that there was something wrong.

Right now I’m so angry at myself. I said hurting you was the last thing I’d do but it was what I did. Unconsciously or not I still did it and I hate myself for that. If I could turn back time and correct everything I could have done wrong to you then I would.

I love you so much Donghae and I always wanna be with you but… if my presence burdens you then I’m willing to set you free.

Well… I guess this is goodbye now? Just promise me that you will always be happy even though it’ll be with someone else. I want next time when I’ll see you, you’ll look at me straight in the eyes and show me that you’re happy, even happier than when you were with me. Just remember that I love you and it will never change. Forever.

Forever yours,

Hyukkie

By the time I finished reading the letter I was already tearing buckets. Some even dropped on the paper staining it making some words unreadable. Messily wiping my tears, I slid down until my hit the floor and my back against the bed. Clutching the paper on my hand, I held it closer to my chest feeling every piece of me break.

I screamed.

I screamed until my throat hurt that I can barely speak. If only all these screaming would make Hyukkie return to me then I would scream until my lungs give out.

All those times… I’m such an idiot.

If only I talked to him before anything else then maybe we would have fixed this our own way.

But now it’s too late. My love’s gone all because of my idiotic thinking.

I sniffed as I looked to my side and saw my phone. Reaching out, I picked it and pressed 1 for his number, all the while my hands shaking. Placing it against my ear, I waited for Hyuk to pick it at the same time silently praying that he will actually answer my call. Disappointment filled me when I went straight to his voicemail.

Of course he won’t answer my call.

Sighing, I ended the call and threw my phone somewhere not caring where it landed.

How am I supposed to live now? I don’t have the sole meaning of my life with me now. My other half is gone and never will I’m gonna be complete again unless he’ll return to me.

Once again I opened the letter and let my eyes scan his words. Between us Hyukjae’s handwriting is the neat one but despite the long message I could still see how the words were written with shaking hands indicating the difficulty he had when he was composing this. If he was in his OCD state he’ll definitely crumple this and start once again until he was satisfied with the neatness but I guess he was too shaken to even care about it.

My eyes stopped with his last words.

He said he loves me.

Does it mean I still have a chance?

Hope filled me up with the thought only to be crestfallen once again when I realized how in the world am I supposed to approach him again. Do I still have the right to find and face him again then tell him that I still love him and only did that because I thought he wanted to be free from me?

Given that he will understand me and most probably forgive me, can I still do it? Do it when I myself know that I caused him too much pain?

I don’t know what to do. If only someone will tell me what I should do to make things right then maybe I’ll be able to settle things right.

“This is all my fault.” I murmured as I lied down on the carpet, my body curled up.”This is all my fault. What should I do? Hyuk, please… come back to me.”

A/N: 7k+ words of angst. I don't even know how I managed to wrtie that. Don't ask if that's the end guys because it is. angst = no happy ending. well for me that is. thanks for reading! comments are appreciated even though you want to stab me with a knife at the moment lol