“You know...” Jongin begins. “when you meet your soulmate, it's supposed to bring color into your life.” Sehun looks at him with wonder and excitement in his eyes. “What do you think color is?”

 

“My mom says color... color is the best thing that has ever happened. After my dad, of course.” Sehun adds a bit of a chuckle at the end, his eyes turning to crescents.

 

“My dad says it's love, not just color, that makes everything as good as it is.”

 

“I want to meet my soulmate soon.” Sehun decides. “I really do.”

 

“You're only eight, stupid. Momma says you can't know until you're older.” Jongin quips. Sehun pouts, his thin eyebrows furrowing. He hits Jongin in the arm, twice for good measure. After a couple shouts of protest, Jongin pats Sehun on the head and hits his cheeks back.

 

“What... what if we're soulmates, Jongin?” Sehun says in a small voice, his cheeks flushing a light rosy color. Jongin laughs wildly, squishing Sehun's cheeks together.

 

“Stuuuuupid~” Jongin teases, a laugh remaining in his voice.

 

….

 

The day Jongin sees color comes just as soon as he turns of age. It happens sometime during his birthday, when they're all crowded around in the living room having a Mario Kart tournament. “hoLY .” Jongin exclaims.

 

“.” Jongin chants, standing from his seat, game controller forgotten and his character continuously falling from rainbow road. Sehun has a bit of sense within the panic to pause the game.

 

“What's wrong, Jongin?!” Baekhyun shouts, no one having expected such a strong reaction to the ink man boost that he had just played. Even if it put Jongin in second instead of first. The real answer came a second later. It wasn't the game that had Jongin in such a tizzy after all, it was... well, the entrance of color into his life.

 

“, what color is this?” Jongin looks around, eyes wide and crazy. He's completely psyched out, and Sehun is stunned for a moment. His best friend he had known for years and years had found his soul mate within seconds. Sehun's heart skips a beat. What if it's Sehun? Sehun still had a couple months to go before he would know if his soul mate was in his life and it could very well be Sehun it could-Kyungsoo clears his throat and answers.

 

“Purple.”

 

Four more sets of eyes turn to Kyungsoo as he turns a brilliant shade of red, but no one notices but Jongin. They do, however, begin to understand why Kyungsoo has been so fidgety all week, stealing glances at Jongin when he thinks no one will see him. Sometimes Kyungsoo had looked frightened, sometimes hopeful and mostly, just... shocked. “Kyungsoo--” He strides over to the owl-eyed Senior and claps his hands over his cheeks. “What color is this?” He says, the smooth flesh of his cheeks.

 

“R..Red.” Kyungsoo states, eyes casting down shyly.

 

“How long...?”

 

“Uh... since I turned sixteen.” Kyungsoo answers, eyes flickering up to meet Jongin's.

 

“Why didn't you tell me?” Jongin's still looking around, taking in the new bursts of color and thinking that he's never seen anything more beautiful than Kyungsoo's brown eyes or the way the color flourishes along his tan skin, he doesn't know anything of what the colors are named, he just knows that he loves them. He wants to ask Kyungsoo everything, ask him what color is his favorite, which one makes up the sky.

 

Jongin gasps, tugging on Kyungsoo's hand to take him outside with a happy shout as Kyungsoo tries to stutter out an explanation of not wanting to make things awkward between them in case Jongin didn't believe him.

 

Sehun is left in an awkward silence surrounded by Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Taemin. “Well...” For once, Baekhyun seems to be speechless. Sehun snorts with tears in his eyes as he stands.

 

“I've got a final to study for.” Sehun excuses, not making eye contact as he strides from the living room and out into the monochrome world he so desperately wanted changed. He had hoped, somehow, he would get to see color before Jongin, who wasn't even that interested in the experience. He hadn't expected for Jongin to meet his soulmate just seconds after coming of age.

 

It was ridiculous and unfair, Sehun gathered. But, even though he was jealous, he couldn't be mad at Jongin at all. Finding one's soulmate, especially at a young age, was something Sehun knew he couldn't remain bitter at. You only get one, after all. Sehun is glad that Jongin's soulmate is someone as caring and just all around right for him as Kyungsoo is. He still sulks for the rest of the weekend just because he is Oh Sehun and he thinks he can.

 

After all, he is happy for Jongin, he really is. He just needs to take a moment to reassess everything he's ever thought about his life. He was so sure he and Jongin would be soulmates. But, like Sehun had come to learn, you can't decide your own fate.

 

 

The day Sehun's world explodes into reds and blues and everything but the dull gray it's been filled with, he's in the hospital and as much as he wants to jump up and run around pointing at each and every new color he sees, his broken leg is the only thing stopping him. He curses loudly and starts pointing at random objects. His eyes are wild with excitement as he's overwhelmed with color and light.

 

His eyes land on a tall, shell shocked doctor who's on the verge of dropping his clipboard containing all of Sehun's medical history. “Excuse me.” The doctor clears his throat and hands the documents off to the nurse standing beside him. “I cannot see this patient.” He lingers for a moment to watch as Sehun marvels at all the colors, looking to each one he points at with a small smile.

 

“Where are you going? Tell me about all these colors!” Sehun shouts.

 

“Stupid! He hasn't seen them either!” Jongin reprimands, pinching Sehun's cheek.

 

“I'll... speak with you after my shift.” The doctor looks around at the company Sehun brought with him, and to his own group of nurses. “I'll get Dr. Kim to come and help you instead.”

 

It's only because of the shattered tibia that Sehun lets him go, even without knowing his name.

 

Instantaneously falling in love with a complete stranger is more exhilarating than Sehun would have ever thought it would be, he finds out later after spending several hours in the hospital waiting room anxiously waiting for his soulmate to get off of work.

 

When his sixteenth birthday had come and gone without a sudden explosion of everything Sehun had wished for, he had been so disappointed. His soul mate wasn't Yixing, the cute foreign exchange student in his dance class, or Minseok, the math teacher's assistant. Not even Boa, his senior home ec. partner. He honestly didn't think he had much going for his life, so not finding a soul mate so soon was something he had always counted on.

 

But having his world be turned upside down in such a crazy and unexpected way was somehow better than any other option he had planned out. It almost made breaking his leg worth it. Okay, it did make breaking his leg worth it because now he had it, he had his soul mate.

 

From there, it's a picture of perfection. Where Sehun is bratty, Wufan is patient. Where Wufan is ridiculously dorky, Sehun is right behind him, gently prodding him with insults never taken as more than mere jokes. The two work extremely well together and Sehun finally understands the meaning of soul mates.

 

Together, they learn the colors and recite them together. They make a game out of who can come up with the better way to describe a color without using the name, basing it off feeling instead. Sehun had come up with it, and Wufan went along because it made Sehun smile.

 

Especially when he described yellow as the feeling of sunshine after rain and Sehun's smile after a particularly long day at work. Wufan learned early on that the size of Sehun's smile directly correlated with how much he was praised.

 

Wufan always loses the description game just based on the fact Sehun has to hit him with several pillows while simultaneously melting into goo from all the attempts Wufan makes to flatter him. Wufan, however, counts all of it as a win even though Sehun calls him stupid.

 

Within a year of meeting, as Sehun is starting his first semester of college, they move in together. Wufan's flat is right next to the university Sehun decided on and it's a perfect way to start their lives together. Sehun smirks triumphantly when Jongin mentions briefly that he is sort of jealous that Sehun has such a fun and silly soul mate.

 

 

The day Sehun's world goes gray again is one he'd never forget. It starts out like any other day. He makes Wufan a breakfast of eggs and bacon before heading off to class with his books and laptop, not forgetting to kiss his partner. There's a few cheeky smiles and a teasing promise for their weekly movie night set for later in the week.

 

Sehun makes it through his first class and then his second before his lunch break, deciding that the campus food wasn't sounding too appetizing. He was sure Wufan was thinking the same thing about the food served in the hospital cafeteria when he called him up.

 

With plans to meet up at the pizza place in the middle, lunch goes by with more jokes, laughter, and a few stolen kisses when they think no one will see them.

 

It's as Sehun is on his way back to campus that the bright world surrounding him crumples into the dreary scenery he had thought he would never see again. He's as shocked as the day he first gained color, gained love, but this time an ice cold block of dread settles deep in his stomach.

 

He screams, but he sounds so far away, even to his own ears. He cries and pleads and sobs but everything is so...

 

Dead.

 

 

Sehun retreats into himself, the death of his soulmate creating a chasm he simply falls into rather than trying to avoid it or fill it with something more pleasant. It's fire and brimstone, hell in his own chest, and he doesn't want to deal with a life without Wufan.

 

He tries, once, to take his own life. He wants so desperately to end the pain of missing Wufan, missing his love and color, that he makes a note. He addresses it to Jongin and his parents. He explains how hard it is to come home every day, to get out of bed every morning when he's still in Wufan's flat, when everything in his possession smells and reminds him of Wufan.

 

He is unable to follow through with his plan when he see a picture of him and Wufan on the counter, looking happy as can be. Wufan wouldn't want him to die, Wufan would want him to live and continue to reach for his dreams of dancing on a professional stage. Of running a dance studio and choreographing for the idols he loves so much.

 

Wufan would want him to keep living. To stop blaming himself over Wufan's death and be his Sehun again. Be happy again. Find a life outside of the color and be happy that he at least got to experience it in his lifetime.

 

From that moment on, Sehun makes more of an effort to reconnect with the world. A lost semester and a several late bill payments later, Sehun finally is able to pull himself together. He is just lucky that Wufan's flat was actually fully paid off so at least he'll always have a place to live. Sehun had been named Wufan's beneficiary shortly after they had met, but so far Sehun hasn't touched any of the money apart from keeping his electric on and funeral expenses.

 

Sehun is able to find a job at a bookstore in between school and being an assistant at a local dance studio. It means he has less time thinking about Wufan because he spends less time at Wufan's flat, less time to remember that when he returns there, nothing will be waiting for him but shades of gray and black. Usually, he only has time to shower and fall into bed.

 

He thinks it's working for him, until Jongin points out how much he misses Sehun. His best friend in the entire world hasn't seen him in eight months for longer than a few seconds to say 'hello'. Sehun may be back in the world, but he's barely living.

 

He quits the book store somewhere around month eleven and comes to terms with the fact that he won't be able to move from Wufan's flat. Not, at least, until he can finish school and try and start his own dance studio.

 

At the same studio where Sehun's dance classes are being held, a new martial arts class begins. Sehun doesn't pay much attention because he's never been one for martial arts, he always liked dancing better. He wouldn't have a chance to check it out even if he wanted to, it's been a year since the accident that took the color from his life.

 

Sehun misses classes for a week, taking his time to grieve for the first time in the last six months since he began to piece together his life again.

 

When he returns, he finds everything is much the same as it had been before he had taken his leave. It didn't surprise him, not really, it just made him realize how insignificant his pain was. Without Wufan, the rest of the world still went on, still spun and everyone around him still breathed and lived and went about their lives like nothing was wrong.

 

Sehun wishes his own life went like that, wishes he could move on. But it's so hard when he misses the color of Wufan's eyes, the pink of his lips and how he looked in that orange sweater their first Christmas together. Sehun had almost not bought the bulky thing for his lover, but in the end, he was glad he had done so as Wufan looked gorgeous, more so than usual.

 

Mostly, Sehun misses a warm body pressed against him during the night to keep the loneliness from settling like a heavy weight in his chest, leaving him struggling for breath. His room is dark, bed much too big and cold and the atmosphere of his home has grown too somber and stale. Sehun doesn't know how he can change it, and he desperately wants to.

 

He lies awake at night in the midst of conflicting emotions. He wants to forget Wufan, wants to go back and never break his tibia, never meet Wufan because never meeting his soul mate would be better than getting a taste of the purest, most life changing love and then having it ripped away from him.

 

Those thoughts bring guilt crashing down on him, sometimes producing shaking sobs.

 

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