a/n- songs i recommend listening to while reading!!!!!! xx

so close-john mclaughlin

quando quando quando- michael buble & nelly furtado

all the way- frank sinatra

            "5...4...3....2..."

            Sehun swirls his champagne glass and takes a sip silently. He watches the ball dangle from inside the tower.

            "1! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!" Watching from his bed, he listens to the massive crowd on tv cheering and screaming. He feels this hole in the bottom of his stomach twist and turn and it makes him fidget.

            Sehun decided he would come home for the holidays. He hears fireworks zooming past and above his house, and on the tv as well. His throat clenches from the bitterness of the champagne-- he's never been a fan of the alcoholic drink.

            It's silent in his room, which the walls are plastered with posters of ualized video game characters and legendary soccer players. It's all silent except for the tv playing on low volume. He can hear the party going on downstairs but the screaming and music is a quiet buzz to his ears. His eyes start to blur suddenly, but it's not affective because he's already intoxicated.

            Sehun stares at his phone wallpaper. Luhan's looking away from the camera and his right hand is behind his head, as if he was posing. Sehun's in it too but he's taking the picture and he's looking at the camera as well. He finds it hard to swallow all of a sudden, for a lump has grown in size.

            He's better now. He's doing what he's always wanted to do. This was the best decision--for him, Sehun tries to repeat in his head.

            "For Christ Sakes," Sehun half-whimpers, half-growls as he plants his face into his sweaty palms. His long hair is brushing against his eyebrows so he takes a hand and pushes it back. It's useless as it falls back into place.

            To be quite frank, Sehun does wonder if Luhan ever thinks about him. Does he ever regret leaving? Does Luhan even miss him? He probably misses Yixing more than him.

            The door to his room opening interrupts his solemn wonders. He looks up and sees his father pop half of his body in. His face is flushed red and it looks as if he's been laughing too much because there's this dumb grin plastered on his face.

            "Come on Sehun, its New Years Day! Everyone wants you down there!" His father exclaims. "You don't want to spend a wonderful night holed up in your room, do you?!"

            Sehun had turned his head away from his father long before. He's highly annoyed because he just wanted to be left alone. He had already spent enough time earlier with distant family friends and touchy persistent relatives.

            "Dad, not now, I just... want to be alone." Sehun runs a hand over his face roughly. His father almost presses at him again.

            "Okay well... If you happen to be in the mood later, you'll know where to find us." And with that, he leaves, shutting the door quietly.

            Sehun picks up his phone and unlocks it. Pressing on "Messages", he scrolls down to the most recent text with Luhan.

            10/15/14

            He swallows thickly, his eyes stinging because he refuses to cry. His finger presses on his screen harshly.

What would you do if I just suddenly disappeared one day

i'd probably die hyung lmao

No I'm serious

are you dying luhan hyung

No hahahaha I'm just curious

well i wouldn't know what i would do with myself

i know we aren't super close but you mean a lot to me

if you ever leave im coming with you hahahaha

So glad to hear that

            And a month later he vanished. From everyone's lives, from their hearts; without a proper explanation, without a proper goodbye.

            "How could he even do that to me... To us?" Sehun chokes out. He finds himself curling his fingers into his navy blue bed sheets that were years old.

            Even though he's infuriated, even though his heart is completely shattered, he still longs for Luhan. He misses everything about him: The pretty, soft dark brown eyes with eyelashes so long and thick, it deceived his age. The shockingly loud but albeit vibrant laugh that erupted from his lean body. His missing puzzle piece of a small veiny hand that Sehun's hand fit perfectly into.

            Sehun needs him. His body is trembling but his mind is stable enough to know that Luhan is a part of Sehun, and now that his half is gone, it just feels like his entire body and soul is empty.

            It's five o'clock in the morning and Sehun's been up. His backpack is half-filled as he continues to shove in more clothes and small necessities. The tv is still on and it's an early show of Friends. It's the episode where Ross tries to convince Rachel to stay and not go to her job in Paris.

            Hm, Sehun thinks, how ironic.

            He turns his tv off and runs down the stairs, feet stomping loudly, not even thinking about the people passed out upstairs and down. He grabs the first pair of keys he sees and is about to storm out the front door until a familiar voice calls out to him.

            "Sehun-ah, where do you think you're going?" His mother chirps. Sehun turns around to see her down the hall in the kitchen, and she's holding a coffee mug with two hands.

            "I'm going to go see someone." She gives him a weird look, tilting her head. He already knows she's thinking, 'At this hour?!'

            "Yes at this time, Ma," He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I won't be long. Promise."

            He leaves without another word, slamming the door behind him loudly.

            "I'd like a ticket to Beijing, China, please."

            The lady behind the counter smiles kindly and it's a beautiful smile. "Cash or card?"

            Sehun his lips. "Card."

            He hopes Luhan likes his surprise.

            As soon as he walks off the airplane and into the airport, it's 4 PM because of the many delayed flights. He rushes to get a taxi. His backpack is heavy on his back and he's running out of breath. Frankly, he's quite nervous.

            When one pulls up, he gets in and tells the driver the desired address in rushed Mandarin. The driver nods and begins to pull away from the curb and off into the busy highways. Sehun sits and observes the buildings whip past the window outside.

            He's just this much closer to seeing him after so long.

            The cab slows down to a stop in front of a house that's painted a pastel yellow, with white picket fences and a beautiful, colorful garden resting in front of the house. It looks straight out of a suburban movie. Sehun's seen it in pictures and it's more stunning in person.

            Sehun hands the man a good amount for a tip for driving so far. He thanks the man and steps out. His legs are wobbling and he immediately regrets coming here. But it's too late, as he hears the taxi's wheels screeching as it drives away. His heart is racing like crazy, and the afternoon sun is beating down on him. It's almost sundown and he's finally here.

            He checks his phone. 5:31 PM

            It's awfully quiet in the neighborhood for a special event. All he hears are the crickets preparing to come out and do their daily song for the night.

            "Well, here goes nothing." Sehun mumbles to himself, wiping perspire off his forehead. The first few attempts at moving failed as his legs remained stiff. After the fifth attempt, he took a step-- then another, then another, then another, until he reached the front door. With a shaky hand, he grasps at the handle on the door and knocks it against the surface several times.

            Please don't answer, Sehun pleads to himself. Every part of his body is shaking uncontrollably now and he can't seem to take control over it. Sehun is so so close to seeing him, now he's not even sure if he's ready to see those pretty doe eyes again.

            When the door opens, Sehun's eyes are shut tight as he prays it isn't him. He knows it's stupid but he's so ing nervous right now.

            "Sehun! What a wonderful surprise!"

            The boy takes a peek and is relieved to see Luhan's mother, Zhang Lu, answer instead. He tries not to make it obvious as he exhales sharply. He bows, offering a timid smile.

            "What're you doing here?" She says as she opens the door, inviting him in indirectly. When he steps in, politely taking his shoes off, she throws herself in his arms. Her face rubs against his chest as she hums in content. It reminds him all too much of how Luhan would sigh dreamily whenever he would hug Sehun. It makes a lump in his throat lurch abruptly.

            "I'm here to see Luhan."

            He feels her breath hitch. "We've all missed you."

            "Is he here?"

            Zhang Lu pulls back from Sehun, biting her bottom lip. "He's, uh, out right now. You can stay here until he comes back."

            Sehun sees the glassy look in her eyes that are awfully similar to Luhan's. He nods anyways.

            Luhan finally arrives around 10 o'clock. Sehun hears him from upstairs, stumbling in and giggling. He hears someone else as well. He walks out of Luhan's room, where he's been waiting for hours and hours, and creeps into the hallway.

            "...And I just love b-b-buuuuuuubble tea! Don't-don't YOU?!" Luhan half-shouts, half-slurs. The person he's with shushes him obnoxiously, laughing afterwards.

            He suddenly feels a hand on his shoulder and he jumps. It's Zhang Lu and she has a glassy look in her eye again. She juts her head and begins to run down the stairs. He can still hear her soft voice.          

            "Luhan," She says softly as she walks up to him. "Someone's here for you."

            Sehun sees Luhan his head in curiosity, and he realizes how much he's missed the elder.

            "Who?"

            Sehun feels the hesitation in her voice and her body shifts oddly. "I think you'll want to see for yourself. You go and I'll call a taxi for your friend."

          Zhang Lu leads the man away from Luhan and looks at Sehun, giving him a nod. Sehun returns the gesture.

            Sehun makes a cup of coffee for Luhan. As soon as he's finished, he hands it to Luhan. The older boy stares blankly at the floor and continues to do so as he accepts the cup. It's quiet and only the sound of their breathing fills up the room.

            "Why are you here?"

            Sehun turns his head to Luhan, biting the inside of his cheek. "I miss you."

            It's silent for a few seconds, but it seems like forever. Sehun's cheeks grow hot.

            Luhan's gaze from the floor shifts to Sehun. "I'm right here though."

            "But you're not here here."

            "Sehun--"

            "Please," Sehun grunts, blindly searching for Luhan's hand in the dark. He feels the elder flinch. "Just be here with me. I really need you right now." He nearly chokes out.

            He feels Luhan nod and reply with a quiet, okay.

            "I have a question." Luhan hums.

            "Why did you leave?"

            They're taking a walk and it's too chilly to be out, but they needed a breath of fresh air. Luhan's nose is red and he's wrapped up in his North Face windbreaker.

            Luhan presses his lips together tightly. "Well, you know mainly, Sehun. T-the company was--"

            "No, why did you leave us? Me?" Sehun nearly spits out. He thinks the weather is already getting to him. "Why did you leave us with absolutely no explanation? You didn't even explain to our fans, for Christ Sakes! You promised you'd work hard for our group, a-and then, and then you--"

            "Sehun, it's-it's complicated, please don't bring this on me right now," Luhan attempts to take his gloved hand out of his pocket and pinch the bridge of perfectly sculpted nose.

            Sehun huffs, he sees his breath in the bone-chilling air. They walk down a road where it's flooded with yellow street-lights. It's nearly haunting.

            "I loved you-- , I still do, and you...you just left."

            Silence.

            "I thought about you every night since you left. I missed when you would crawl up with me when it would get cold in the dorms or when you would hold me and try to reassure me when I was being bratty. I miss hearing your laugh in the dorms. I miss holding your hand. I miss getting bubble tea with you,"

            "It's been ing rough trying to act like everything's the same. Like everything's okay when it's ing not. I want to forgive you even though you technically did nothing wrong." He's rambling and he can't seem to stop. Everything's just pouring out.

            "It's so hard supporting your decision and trying to be happy for you because you just left. How could you do that?! And you seem totally ing fine! Like everything has finally come together! Do you ever think about me anymore?" Sehun shouts like he's never shout before. He screams his sentences like he's been wanting to say this for a long time.

            Silence.

            "Do you love me?"

            Sehun waits. And waits. And waits. He watches tears roll down Luhan's cheeks.

            He's been waiting ever since Luhan and he were put into the same group. And he's been waiting a god awful amount of time.

            "Luhan."

            Silence lingers like destruction after a natural disaster. Time passes too slow as if the hands on the clock were broken. Luhan is silent but his heart is screaming and Sehun can hear it, and it's longing for isolation.

            They continue down the road without speaking another word.

            Sehun leaves the next morning, lifting the backpack that had been untouched since he arrived, onto his shoulder. He carried Luhan home the night before after he passed out on a bench.

            He's sound asleep in his room when Sehun leaves the house and calls for a taxi as soon as possible. It arrives shortly. He waves goodbye to Zhang Lu, and she gives him a smile that's supposed to be warming, but he sees sadness stretched around the lines of . He doesn't blame her.       

            Sehun waits. But this time, it's not for an answer. He waits for Luhan to love him like he loves him.

a/n- im sorry this kinda but i also think it's good at the same time SUE ME. i also apologize for their moment together being really short.... i've been totally out of it. i've been wanting to write a fic where sehun confronts luhan about leaving SINCE luhan left. i don't know exactly when luhan left but the rumors started in october. man it's freaking crazy how fast time flies. because damn it's already 2015. one of my goals this year is to become a better writer! the only problem is i love writing simply, but meaningfully. i want my readers to think, to infer, to foreshadow. because i LOVE doing that myself!

lately selu's been tearing me apart and nostaglic feelings are so unhealthy for me because they keep me up at night ;;

i hope you really enjoyed this, i tried to potray my own feelings about how i felt about luhan leaving even though i hadn't reacted dramatically to it. hope you all had a merry christmas and a kick new years!!! thank u for reading xx

selubrication