At the age of twenty-eight, Yoon Du Jun was grateful for the life he had. He was thankful to be granted with great health, enabling him to strive for the best in his profession; blessed to have his family’s patience and encouragement; and most of all, he was grateful for his fellow BEAST members’ for sticking with him through good and bad days as well for their unwavering trust in their leader.

 

 

Resting here, in their makeup room while waiting for their 10^th anniversary showcase concert to begin, realization dawned upon him that they have indeed came a long way towards success. From being a rookie group debuted from a small entertainment company with the title ‘recycled group’ labeled on them, they were now a well-known established boy group, their music creation acknowledged by the nation, and having a substantial number of fans who were always ready to give their support whole-heartedly.

 

 

Du Jun looked at his fellow member, Dong Woon, who was giggling like a school boy while texting someone on his mobile phone. He was confident that he was texting Ha Young, the youngest member of APink, whose group was from their sister company. The new pair of couple just got together three months ago. After having a not-so-secret crush on Ha Young for three years, he finally braved up to confess to her. Du Jun knew Ha Young has always been in love with him all along (it was quite obvious as the way to how Ha Young always respond eagerly to Dong Woon’s lame jokes and antics) so Du Jun knew they would end up together eventually.

 

 

Gi Kwang was nowhere to be seen in the makeup room; probably changing his outfit in the other room. Du Jun saw Hyun Seung, somewhere outside the stadium with Hyuna, who came to show her support to her fellow labelmates (or more accurately, to support her boyfriend). While promoting as Troublemaker subunit, they started to develop feelings for each other. Hyun Seung was so dense that Du Jun was pretty sure they would never make it as a couple if it wasn’t for Hyuna who confessed first. When they decided to go public about their relationship, they were worried about how the fans would react. Fortunately for them, most fans were ecstatic as they had come to love the pair’s chemistry and had been anticipating their relationship to evolve into something more than colleagues.

 

 

At the far end corner of the make-up table, Yong Jun Hyung was talking elatedly with Yo Seop who was looking at something in his phone. Judging from his smug expression, he must be boasting about his honeymoon pictures to Yo Seop. Du Jun chuckled. Who knew the great Yong Jun Hyung was the first to get married among them?

 

 

Years of friendship with Yong Jun Hyung had taught Du Jun something: Yong Jun Hyung was unpredictable and tend to do things that surprised people. The biggest surprise from him was most probably Jun Hyung’s marriage announcement. Du Jun could remember clearly the night Jun Hyung announced he was getting married; all of them had choked on their beers, face flushed red, staring at Jun Hyung agape as the latter shrugged and laughed. (Jun Hyung got married with his high school classmate: love sparks ignited between them when they reconnected through a high school reunion dinner.)

 

 

Yo Seop burst into huge laughter when Jun Hyung recounted his honeymoon vacation animatedly. A fond smile spread across Du Jun’s handsome face. He wondered how a full grown up like Yang Yo Seop laughed like a child; his entire existence radiated untainted innocence. Du Jun watched Yo Seop’s eyes crinkled and his deep dimples set in as he laughed. His heart skipped a beat when Yo Seop flashed him an amused smile. It didn’t matter how much time had passed; his heart would betray him and acted weirdly when it came to Yang Yo Seop.

 

 

Du Jun couldn’t exactly remember when it happened. What he remembered was that it was definitely nothing romantic like those scenes in the movies or dramas on TVs. There was one night where the two of them went for ddeoboki. They were walking back to their hostel when Yo Seop turned and smiling brightly at him. Du Jun had stared at him; he didn’t have any make up on and he could see pimples on his cheeks and forehead but Du Jun thought Yo Seop was perfect. As he gazed into his eyes, his heart beat rapidly and he was suddenly aware that he was in love with his best friend.

 

 

When he found out he was in love with Yo Seop, he, of course, freaked out. Yoon Du Jun had always thought he would lead a regular life; one where he would get married with a woman that was not involved in the entertainment industry and have children of his own. He was still young and possibly having some sort of identity crisis. “It’s just a phase. You are just confused. You’ll get over it eventually” was what he had told himself back then. So, while devoting himself to be a good leader and friend, he restrained his unusual feelings for Yo Seop and hadn’t spoken to no one about it. But the more he tried to contain his feelings for his friend, the harder he found himself falling for him. He then realized he was deceiving himself. It was never a phase. He was in love with his best friend, Yang Yo Seop. Yang Yo Seop was the one he wanted; the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. A bright smile from Yang Yo Seop and Yoon Du Jun would come running to him, without hesitation.

 

 

What had you done to me, Yang Yo Seop?

 

 

**

 

There were still two hours before the showcase to begin. Du Jun kept himself pre-occupied with a music game app that Yo Seop and he have been obsessed with recently. He heard a chair being dragged and sensed someone sitting in front of him. Du Jun momentarily glanced up. Dong Woon was staring at him, gaze set in determination. It was the same gaze that he had when he declared he wanted to be a man and confess to Ha Young.

 “I have something to ask you, hyung.” Dong Woon said in a light tone but Du Jun could gather the underlying tone of seriousness of his upcoming question.

“Go ahead. What is it?” Du Jun said casually, head down, as he had his eyes on scoring high score for his game.

“When are you going to confess to Yo Seop hyung?”

Du Jun missed his target, causing him to lose his tempo in the game. “Game Over” popped up on his mobile phone screen.

“What are you talking about?” Du Jun composed himself, trying his best to disguise his emotions, touched the ‘try again’ button on his phone screen. Annoyed, Dong Woon confiscated his mobile phone and placed his phone on his lap. Du Jun gave him a glare but Dong Woon was far from feeling intimidated by his glare.

“Don’t try to act dumb, Hyung. We’ve been brothers for years and we can read each other like an open book.” Dong Woon narrowed his eyes and pointed a finger at Du Jun. “And you, hyung, are a terrible liar.” Du Jun slapped Dong Woon’s hand away. “All of us can see that you have feelings for Yo Seop hyung,” Du Jun wanted to say something but interrupted by Dong Woon. “And when I said feelings, I don’t mean brotherly love.”

 

 

Du Jun sighed, avoiding Dong Woon’s eyes. He stole a glance at Yo Seop, who was getting his make-up done by the make-up artist. He was playing the same game that Du Jun was playing earlier on, tongue stuck out and brows furrowed in concentration as he tried to score. Just like a child, Du Jun thought as he smiled. Life had been kind to Yo Seop. Despite nearing his thirties, he still looked like the same kid that Du Jun first met years ago; the same boy that he fell in love with years ago. He hadn’t changed, not even a bit, after all these years.

 

 

“He loves you too.” Dong Woon spoke softly. Du Jun didn’t take his eyes off Yo Seop. The latter was pouting adorably, most probably lost in the game. Du Jun chuckled at his cute expression. Dong Woon watched how Du Jun’s eyes never leaving Yo Seop and shook his head in amusement. Du Jun hyung is so whipped. Knowing Du Jun could hear him, he continued: “It doesn’t take a genius to see how much he cares about you. Others might not know but all of us clearly see it. He doesn’t want to tell you because he doesn’t want to make you feel burdened by his feelings. He chooses to stay by your side and love you in his own means.”

 

 

Du Jun wasn’t oblivious. Of course he knew Yo Seop loved him too. Every time Yo Seop looked at him, he could see adoration and longing in his eyes. Many times he wanted to hold Yo Seop in his arms and tell him that he loved him but never once he had the courage to do it. Du Jun had lots of worries. He was worried about s, family, company and the public’s view. He was concerned about the fans’ reactions; how would they react if they found out their beloved oppas were actually in love with each other. They were no ordinary couple. They were two grown up men; two celebrities at that. Although same gender relationship was nothing new, it wasn’t really acceptable in South Korea’s society. If they wanted this, they would need to face lots of trials. They would need to deal with harsh criticism and rejection. Du Jun didn’t mind getting slammed by the degrading looks and hateful comments, but he was concerned about Yo Seop.  Beyond the strong exterior, Yo Seop was kind-hearted and easily hurt by nasty remarks. He sure loved Yo Seop and he wanted to be with him but if that meant to inflict pain towards Yo Seop, he would rather keep his feelings to himself. Yo Seop getting hurt because of him was the last thing Du Jun wanted to see in his entire life.

 

 

“If you are worried about what we think, then I would be more than happy to inform you that we don’t mind. As your friends and brothers, we only want you guys to be happy.”

 

Du Jun’s head hung low, contemplating.

 

Dong Woon placed a hand on Du Jun’s shoulder. Du Jun looked up at their maknae. “Hyung, it’s been 10 years. Don’t you think it’s time to make things clear between you guys?”

 

Du Jun turned towards Yo Seop and their eyes met in the mirror’s reflection. Yo Seop’s black orbs filled with concern and bafflement. As though his stare could see through him, Du Jun tore his gaze from Yo Seop, not noticing Yo Seop’s hurt expression.

 

 

**

 

“YOON DU JUN!”

“JANG HYUN SEUNG!”

“YONG JUN HYUNG!”

“YANG YO SEOP!”

“LEE GI KWANG!”

“SON DONG WOON!”

“BEAST DAEBAK!”

 

 

They could hear clearly their beloved fans’ chants as they stood on standby on the raising platform. Adjusting his microphones, Du Jun reminded himself, again and again, that his main priority was the concert and not letting his personal trouble ruined the members’ efforts for several months. When the platform slowly rose up to the stage, the sight of dark grey ocean and deafening fanchants temporarily wiped his trouble out of his mind; giving his body and soul into the performance.

 

**

 

 

As the concert neared towards the end, they stood in a line to do their ending bow. Yo Seop stood next to Du Jun and Du Jun laced his fingers with Yo Seop’s. Du Jun found himself holding his hand a tad longer than usual before letting go. If Yo Seop did notice, he hadn’t said anything. He continued to walk around the huge stage, showering the fans with his famous fanservices.

 

 

**

 

“Yanggaengi!” The dog jumped in excitement as soon as Yo Seop unlocked his door. Du Jun who was behind Yo Seop smiled fondly as he watched Yo Seop carried his pet dog into his arms lovingly. He proceeded to close the door and put the keys on Yo Seop’s coffee table.

“Aigoogooo, my baby misses his daddy. Did Yanggaengi miss Daddy? You did, right?” Yo Seop cooed at Yanggaengi, giving him a light kiss on its head.

 

 

“I think your Jordan’s should be in there. Let me go check.” Yo Seop handed Yanggaengi into Du Jun’s arms before searching into his large shoes cabinet. Du Jun nodded. After celebration dinner for successfully completing their 10^th anniversary concert, they were all about to part ways and return home when Du Jun suddenly remembered he left his pair of red Jordan’s at Yo Seop’s house. He had only that one pair of sports shoes for basketball and he needed them because he had promised his high school friends for a game of basketball the day after. Despite feeling exhausted and troubled, he had no choice but to follow Yo Seop back home.

 

 

Du Jun gently pat Yanggaengi’s head as he casually slipped into a pair of white coloured with black polka dots house slippers at the side of the television rack.  Du Jun gave a second glance at his slippers. Yo Seop had bought it for him a few weeks ago. Yo Seop’s slippers were a matching one; same design but black coloured with white polka dots. It had never occurred to him but now that it did, he realized he had lots of his belongings at Yo Seop’s house. Yo Seop had allocated a compartment and a drawer in his wardrobe for his clothes. He even had his own toothbrush and towel in Yo Seop’s bathroom.

 

 

Du Jun realized that they spent a lot of time together (well, with the other members as well) but he spent more time with Yo Seop. Apart from work, they went to soccer games, comic books café and vacation together. Their families knew each other so well that they were considered as the other’s parents’ son. Every part of Du Jun’s life, whether good or bad, was filled with Yo Seop. He did not remember his life before Yo Seop’s presence. There was none of his life memories that did not have Yo Seop in it.

 

 

 “Du Jun?” A tap on his shoulder broke Du Jun from his reverie. Yo Seop was holding his shoes before him.

 “Uhm, thanks.”Du Jun reached out for his shoes but instead of handing them to Du Jun, Yo Seop held them behind his back. “It’s already two in the morning,” he said as he spared a look at his wall clock. “Do you want to stay over? You do have spare clothes and toothbrush here.” Du Jun shook his head. He thought it wasn’t a good idea to be around anyone right now, especially Yo Seop. He needed time alone to sort out his issues.

 

 

Yo Seop placed the shoes next to him on the floor. Hesitating, Yo Seop slowly reached out for Du Jun’s hands. Du Jun glanced at the hand that was gripping his left wrist. Yo Seop’s calloused palm felt warm against his skin. “Du Junnie...” Yo Seop searched into his eyes. “Is something bothering you? Did you have a fight with Dong Woon? You’ve been like this after you had a talk with him in the make-up room. Is there something wrong?”

 

 

There was the familiar look of worry and yearning in Yo Seop’s eyes. Du Jun’s heart swelled. All these years, Yo Seop had known his heart but not once had he expressed his feelings or pressured Du Jun to confess. He opted to stand by him, as his group mate and best friend, to love him in his quiet and gentle way.

 

Dong Woon’s words rang in his mind.  

 

“Hyung, it’s been 10 years. Don’t you think it’s time to make things clear between you guys?”

 

 

The maknae’s words were never been truer. They had been in love for so long but none had made a claim. They knew they loved each other but there were uncertainty hanging between them as they wondered where they stood in each other’s hearts. Yoon Du Jun was a grown up man. He should be responsible towards his feelings and Yo Seop’s feelings as well.

 

 

“Du Junnie, did I …did I do something wrong?” Yo Seop’s voice was merely a whisper. He misunderstood Du Jun’s silence as resentment towards him. Yo Seop began to panic. Had he done something that made Du Jun angry? Du Jun was never like this. He might get upset at times but he would never keep quiet. Anxious, he shook Du Jun as he held onto both his arms. “Du Jun, please don’t keep quiet. Say something…Did I…umph!” A pair of soft lips landed on his own lips. Yo Seop’s eyes grew wide in utmost surprise.

 

 

It was an innocent chaste kiss. Their lips remained on each other’s for a moment or two before Du Jun pulled away, expression bashful. “On second thought, I think I’ll stay over tonight. I’ll go and take a shower first.” He walked into the room, leaving Yo Seop whose face beet red, clearly still stunned over the kiss a while ago.

 

 

Yo Seop touched his lips, unable to hear anything other than the rapid pulse of his heart hammering at his eardrum.

 

 

**

 

 

The lustrous moon light peeked in through the window, illuminating the dark room. Du Jun and Yo Seop lied next to each other, on the wide queen-sized bed. Du Jun looked to his right; Yo Seop seemed to be sleeping soundly, his back facing him. He looked so small and cuddly. Du Jun felt the urge to pull him into his arms. Du Jun slowly neared him and gently wrapped his arms around him. Yo Seop, who hasn’t fallen asleep, went rigid when a pair of arms encircled around his middle. His breath hitched when he felt Du Jun’s breath tickling the back of his neck. 

 

 

Noticing that Yo Seop’s stiff posture, Du Jun began to rub his elbow in a circular motion to help him to loosen up. The method proved effective when Yo Seop started to relax into his embrace. Du Jun tightened his embrace. 

 

 

Yo Seop rolled over to face Du Jun. Under the faint moonlight, he could see Du Jun’s face up close. He traced his thick eyebrows, his eyes, nose and lips. Yo Seop had dreamed this scene so many times. He dreamed countless times; to be able to hold Du Jun and look into his eyes, telling him that he loves him as a man and not as a brother.

 

 

Yo Seop thought he would never see the day where Du Jun would be honest with his feelings. Yo Seop didn’t blame him. He understood Du Jun’s reluctance to define their relationship. The leader feared for his well-being. He was afraid that he might get hurt by the public’s judgments towards him. He felt responsible for his welfare and he wanted to protect Yo Seop. Du Jun had a tendency of carrying everything on his shoulders including faults that wasn’t his own to start with at the first place. If should Yo Seop wounded by those negative comments due to their relationship, Du Jun would take the blame and being stressed out because of it. Yo Seop loved him too much to see Du Jun being miserable and lifting extra burdens onto his shoulders. The man already had more loads than he could ever handle in his life.

 

 

Their relationship had always stayed within the friendship zone; both feared of crossing that line. But tonight things seemed to change. After the hushed talk with Dong Woon in the makeup room, Du Jun wasn’t his usual self. He constantly zoned out. Although Yo Seop didn’t say anything, he was indeed aware of Du Jun’s lingering hold on his hand during the ending bow. And the kiss they had just now was the final act that crossed the border. They were past the point of no return. They either advanced to the next level or break and leave. What are they now? Yo Seop wanted to ask but he wasn’t sure on how to voice his question.

 

 

Eyes on Yo Seop, Du Jun seemed to read his mind. From the look in his eyes, he knew Yo Seop wanted to be sure of where they stood. Should he say I love you? Du Jun cringed internally. He was never one to express his feelings aloud and there was no way he was going to say such cheesy lines. Yo Seop's eyes were still fixed on him. Du Jun trailed Yo Seop's features with his eyes. When they reached Yo Seop’s lips, he recalled the short kiss that they had just now. The desire to taste them again made Du Jun’s heart raced with excitement. Du Jun got up and straddled Yo Seop, both hands on both sides of his head. His eyes were half-lidded, clouded with yearn as he slowly leaned in to kiss him. Du Jun gently nibbled his lower lip, then his upper lip. Yo Seop closed his eyes and circled his arms around Du Jun’s neck as he let out a low, contented moan. Du Jun took the chance to access his tongue into his mouth. Their bodies pressed closer as their tongues danced in a slow rhythm. The members have always teased Du Jun of being the worst kisser among them but tonight proved Yo Seop otherwise as he got to experience Du Jun’s kissing skill, first-hand.

 

 

They let go of each other when they were out of breath. Yo Seop started to laugh as he stared at Du Jun’s swollen lips and loving gazes. That was definitely a hell of assurance. No questions were asked. No words were said. It was all clear to both of them now.

 

 They entangled themselves in a messy hug and soon fast asleep until the arrival of daylight

 

**

 

After that night, life felt same yet different. Du Jun and Yo Seop were still best friends and great teammates. They still hung out and did things they’ve always did but there were those fleeting moments that made their re-defined relationship pronounced: when Du Jun would hold Yo Seop’s hand behind his back when he thought no one was looking or when Yo Seop would bend down to kiss Du Jun as Du Jun lied on the couch, head on Yo Seop’s lap during movie night in his house. Those intimate gestures were so natural between them that Yo Seop himself was taken aback. It felt like those affectionate acts were nothing new to them; like they’ve been doing it all along.

 

“What’s on your mind, Yo Seobbie?” Du Jun hugged Yo Seop from behind. He nuzzled into Yo Seop’s neck as he inhaled the alluring scent of his shea butter body wash. He had expected Yo Seop to have fallen asleep as both of them were exhausted due to their dance practices (they were scheduled to have a comeback next month) so he was surprised to see Yo Seop still wide awake, staring blankly at the floor length mirror.

Yo Seop looked at their reflection in his mirror. His heart warmed as he saw himself fit just nice in Du Jun’s arms. “Nothing.” He beamed.

“You’re sure?” Du Jun cocked his head sideways, looking back at him with a hesitant expression.

“Yeah.” Yo Seop chuckled. He leaned into Du Jun’s chest, smiling when Du Jun wrapped his arms around him.

 

 

Perhaps nothing has really changed, because it has always been there, all along.