He comes in the middle of the night, without notice.

Kyuhyun is shaken awake from his dreamless sleep by small hands and an urgent shrill voice desperately calling for him, ‘Appa! Appa, please!’

His eyes snap open, wild and disoriented from the suddenness. It takes a moment to recognize the scared dark eyes staring into his own through the gloom of his bedroom.

‘Jihyun?’ He quickly sits up, sleep disappearing almost instantaneously at the sight of his daughter’s terror. He gathers up the little girl in his arms. She is trembling, her lips parted in a whimper. ‘Hush, baby. What’s wrong?’

‘Appa …’ Her hands fist into the front of his baggy shirt. ‘I - I heard the b-bell ... S-someone’s out … there…’

Alarmed, Kyuhyun looks round at the window to which his daughter points a shaking hand. It is raining heavily; the storm from earlier still has not stopped. Placing Jihyun on the bed, he slips out of his covers and hurries over to peer down at the front lawn of his little house. It is almost pitch black outside, the streetlamp on the other side of the street doing nothing much in the fierce storm raging outside.

Then lightening rips through the angry skies and Kyuhyun sees what has terrified his daughter so. Down there on his front porch is a lone figure of a man. It is impossible to make out who his is.

However, next moment, a shrill ring sounds out through the house. Kyuhyun exhales. Whoever it is, it is clearly not a burglar.

Burglars do not ring doorbells.

~***~

He leaves Jihyun at the foot of the stairs with the admonition to stay hidden unless he calls for her. Grabbing the largest umbrella he owns, he hurries to the door and peers through the peephole. The person is still there, barely silhouetted against the light from the streetlamp. His face, however, is hidden in the shadows of his hooded tee. 

The doorbell rings again.

Kyuhyun takes a deep breath, tightens his hand around the umbrella, and opens the door partly.

The sound of falling raindrops magnifies tenfold.

‘Who are you?’ He asks over the noise, keeping his voice guarded and strong. He holds the umbrella in front of him, as if it were a sword, the end pointing threateningly at the man on his doorstep. ‘What do you want at this time of night?’

The hooded man stays silent for a moment, and then lifts his chin up so that the faint light from inside Kyuhyun’s doorway falls upon a pair of full lips turned slightly up at the corners. Kyuhyun’s breath catches in his throat and his eyes widen. He can recognise those lips anywhere; he knows them, the look of them, the feel and taste of them...

‘Is this really how you greet me after five years, Kyuhyun-ah?’

Kyuhyun swallows, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. He knows that voice too, has heard it whisper, low and raspy, into his ears so many times...

‘Jongwoon hyung...’

~***~

‘Your place is nice,’ comments Jongwoon twenty minutes later. He is dressed in the dry clothes that Kyuhyun had dug up from his closet, and nursing a hot mug of tea in his hand. He walks leisurely around the small living room, interestedly taking in the numerous books and music CDs Kyuhyun had stacked into his bookshelves. 

Kyuhyun says nothing, just remains perched on the arm of his sofa as he warily watches his guest. His hair is longer again, he notes, staring at the black strands of damp shaggy hair falling onto the nape of Jongwoon’s neck. Last time he saw Jongwoon on television a few months ago, it had been brown and at least a couple of inches shorter.

Last time he saw him with his own eyes, the hair had been short and fuzzy; the haircut of a military man.

Jongwoon turns and catches him staring. He smiles. ‘Why are you looking so much?’

‘Shouldn’t I be?’ Kyuhyun retorts. He sighs wearily. ‘Why are you here, hyung? It’s the middle of the night.’

‘I would’ve reached here at a godlier hour if my car hadn’t broken down a few hours ago,’ replies Jongwoon conversationally with an amiable shrug. ‘I’m sorry for disturbing your sleep.’

‘But why are you here?’ snaps Kyuhyun, finally losing patience. 

Jongwoon looks a little shocked, and then schools his face to neutral. ‘It’s been five years, Kyuhyun. Aren’t you the least bit happy to see me?’

‘Exactly, it’s been five years,’ says Kyuhyun more bitterly than he means to. ‘Why would you want to see me at all?’

Jongwoon crocks an eyebrow, the last of the good humour vanishing from his eyes. ‘I suppose that is the difference between us...’

Silence reigns between them, cold and heavy. Kyuhyun avoids the other’s eyes, angry and frustrated. Deep inside, he thinks he can feel the coils of guilt unwinding within him. Jongwoon watches him with sad, hollow eyes before glancing away. He stills, looking surprised for a moment, then breaks into a smile.

‘Hello,’ he says gently. Kyuhyun looks up and sees Jihyun peeking into the living room through the door he left ajar. At Jongwoon’s greeting, she shrinks a little, her eyes afraid and wary. Jongwoon sits down on an armchair and continues to smile encouragingly at her, and after a moment, she edges a little more into the room.

‘You’re Jihyun, aren’t you?’ Jongwoon prompts, holding a friendly hand out. Kyuhyun gapes at him, surprised that he remembers the name. ‘I’m a friend of your father, don’t be afraid.’

Jihyun hesitates and looks at her father for approval. Kyuhyun frowns a little.

‘Jihyun-ah, I told you to stay -’

‘Won’t you let me meet your daughter even?’ asks Jongwoon very quietly.

Kyuhyun stops, unable to look the older man in the eyes. After a moment, he holds out an arm. ‘Come here, love.’ 

Jihyun hesitantly steps forward until she is standing beside her father, looking up at Jongwoon with nervous curiosity through long eyelashes. ‘Jihyun, this is a hyung of mine; he’s an old friend. Go on, introduce yourself. Remember your manners.’

Very shyly, Jihyun slips her hand into Jongwoon’s outstretched one. ‘Hello, ahjussi. I am Cho Jihyun.’

Jongwoon grins, shaking her little hand. ‘Hello, Jihyun-ssi. My name is Kim Jongwoon.’

With a little blush, she quickly slips her hand back and shrinks into her father’s embrace. There is a hint of a smile on her face, however, and the wariness has lessened from her eyes.

Jongwoon chuckles. ‘You have a beautiful daughter, Kyuhyun-ah.’

Kyuhyun smiles a little, brushing his lips against her hair, before gently pushing her towards the door. ‘Up to bed now, it’s very late.’ Jihyun looks back uncertainly and Kyuhyun smiles reassuringly at her. ‘I’ll be there soon, OK? Go and sleep now.’

She nods and, with one last look at their guest, patters out of the living room, leaving Kyuhyun alone with Jongwoon. When he looks around at the older man again, he finds Jongwoon smiling almost fondly at him. Kyuhyun feels his heart jump suddenly and his mouth goes dry. He has seen those eyes before, warm and brown and filled with endearing affection. He draws away a little, biting his lip.

‘What...?’

‘I’ve never seen you like this,’ murmurs Jongwoon, still gazing at him with those eyes. ‘It suits you, somehow...’

Kyuhyun grits his teeth, feeling his temper flaring. ‘Are you making fun of me, hyung?’ he hisses.

Jongwoon blinks, smile falling off his face. ‘What? No.’

‘Then - then - just why?’ Kyuhyun is on his feet now, pacing back and forth in front of the sofa. ‘What are you doing here after all this time? How did you find me? Why did you find me? What did you expect would happen after you came? Did you think that we would just go back to being -?!’

‘What?’ asks Jongwoon lowly. ‘Go back to being what, Kyuhyun?’

Kyuhyun says nothing and just glares at the carpet.

‘Exactly.’ Jongwoon stands up as well, placing his mug on the coffee table. He looks at Kyuhyun with expressionless eyes. ‘There never was anything for us to go back to, was there? You made sure of that.’

Kyuhyun looks up, stung and furious, but Jongwoon holds up a hand.

‘I didn’t come here with some ulterior motive, Kyuhyun. I just wanted to see you, check on how you were doing. See your daughter because you never introduced her to us. But I can see now it was a mistake. You have clearly put me - Super Junior - everything behind you.’

Kyuhyun feels a lump in his throat; there is an annoying stinging at the corner of his eyes and he is finding it hard to breathe again. He wants to scream at Jongwoon, throw things at him, push him out of his house again. And yet, there is a part of him that wants to fling himself into his arms, cling to him and cry on his shoulder and have Jongwoon hold him like how he used to once, long ago.

The silence continues, the storm still raging outside, and Jongwoon is still looking at him, his eyes piercing and intense like always. Age has slowly started to show on his face: there are tiny crinkles at the corner of his eyes and the turn of his mouth, yet he looks as beautiful as he has always done.

Perhaps even more, or that may be due to the long absence.

Finally, Kyuhyun finds his voice.

‘I’ll prepare the guest room for you. But in the morning, please hyung ... just leave.’

~***~

‘Appa...’ 

Jihyun is still awake and sitting up on Kyuhyun’s bed when he enters his room. He looks down at her, rousing himself from the memory of how Jongwoon had looked back at him as he closed the guest room door. It still sends a shiver down his spine.

‘You should be sleeping you know,’ he chastises her with a little smile. When Jihyun continues to stare with big eyes, he ruffles her hair and slips into bed beside her, wrapping her in his arms. ‘Everything’s fine, OK...? There’s nothing to be afraid of.’

‘That ahjussi ...’ she murmurs.

‘A very old friend of Appa. He had some trouble with his car, so I’m letting him sleep here tonight. He’ll be gone tomorrow.’

He had spoken reassuringly, but Jihyu frowns to his surprise. ‘Tomorrow...?’ she repeats slowly in a tone that implies she does not like the thought.

‘Yes ... What’s wrong, Hyunnie?’

‘I like him,’ Jihyun says decisively, a sudden bright smile on her face. Kyuhyun gapes at her. ‘Ahjussi is nice. He likes Appa.’

Somehow, her innocent words have his heart clenching painfully in his chest. 

‘Mm. Go to sleep now.’

They fall quiet after that and it is not long before Jihyun’s breathing evens out, her eyes closed peacefully. Kyuhyun arranges a few pillows around her and then turns to lie on his side, facing the window. He watches the rivulets of water running down the pane, the sound of the storm now muffled. 

Thirty minutes later, he is on the windowsill, knees drawn up to his chest. He thinks of Jongwoon in the room across the hallway and he wonders if he is awake as well. Is he also thinking of Kyuhyun? How does Jongwoon see him still? As an old friend, colleague and dongsaeng? Or a traitor that walked out on his brothers?

Or does he see Kyuhyun as the man who had dragged him into sin, and then betrayed him?

Kyuhyun bites down on his knuckles, forcing away the tears threatening to burst out. He hates it that Jongwoon is here, invading his life again when he had taken the pains to walk out of Jongwoon’s. He has gotten used to the monotony, the routine that is his life now. His daughter is the one piece of shimmering light he has, the radiance to all the gloom surrounding him, and she is all he needs. She is what his life is all about now. He does not need Jongwoon here to mess it up and throw it all out of balance again. 

He does not need Jongwoon just fifteen yards away from him, making his heart quiver and awakening dormant forbidden feelings he had chosen to put aside so long ago.

There is no place in this world for what they had once wanted to share between them.

~***~

Somehow, even before Jongwoon says so, Kyuhyun knows.

Of course, he does. Life has not been so good to him the past several years. Why would it change its mind now and actually let Jongwoon leave in the morning like Kyuhyun wanted him to, when it could drag out Jongwoon’s stay in Kyuhyun’s house?

Jongwoon’s eyes are apologetic as he lowers his phone. ‘I’m sorry, Kyuhyun-ah. I called the tow service and they finally managed to get to my car, but the people at the garage said it will take a few days to get it repaired.’

The only answer is a cold grunt as Kyuhyun continues to slave away over the stove, getting breakfast ready. He is running late; he had slept through his alarm thanks to lack of sleep (actually, he can just pin the whole blame on Jongwoon; bastard just had to come barging in out of nowhere at one in the freaking morning!) and currently, he barely has enough time to feed Jihyun - and his unexpected guest - get ready, drop Jihyun off at the day-care and make it to work on time.

Jongwoon’s hand suddenly appears out of nowhere and takes the saucepan from him. ‘Let me deal with that.’

‘I don’t need -’ Kyuhyun falls silent at the look on Jongwoon’s face. It brings about a bout of nostalgia, that obey-your-hyung-for-once-would-you-you-spoilt-brat stare Jongwoon is shooting at him. Kyuhyun has not seen that expression since his Super Junior days.

‘It’s obvious you’re in a rush. I won’t have you be late because of me; I’ve already troubled you enough.’ Jongwoon smiles suddenly and adds, ‘And don’t worry, I won’t burn anything. I actually do know how to cook a bit now.’

Kyuhyun’s legs still refuse to move, but then his eyes land on the clock and he gives up thinking and dashes out of the kitchen, throwing a quick shout to Jihyun to finish her breakfast by the time he’s ready. For the next ten minutes, he dashes back and forth between the bathroom and his bedroom, throwing on his work clothes, gathering his papers into his briefcase and packing everything Jihyun needs for her day-care. He rushes back to the kitchen in record time, but stops dead just outside the door, hearing voices inside.

‘- but then I had to give them away because they grew too big.’

‘What were their names, ahjussi?’

‘Ddangkoma, Ddangkoming and Ddangkomaeng. Here, see, I still have pictures of them.’

‘... Ooh! I want to keep turtles, too!’

A familiar bark of laughter. ‘They’re quite cute, aren’t they? And look, here’s a picture of my dogs, Kkoming and Melo. They’re quite old by now, though.’

‘I like Melo!’

‘Really? Do you want to keep dogs, too?’

‘Appa won’t let me.’

‘Oh? Did he say why not?’

‘Appa said keeping pets is ex - exp ... ex ...’

‘Ex ... pensive?’

Clearing his throat loudly, Kyuhyun strides inside. Jihyun jumps a little, looking startled. Meanwhile, Jongwoon looks thoughtfully at his dongsaeng, almost as if sizing him up. Kyuhyun tries not to show how uncomfortable that makes him feel.

‘Finished eating, Hyunnie? Let’s go.’

‘Yeah! And look, Appa, ahjussi just showed me his turtles. They're so cute! Look, look! Show him your turtles, ah -’

‘I’ve already seen enough of them to last me a lifetime, Jihyun, now hurry up. We’ll be late!’

Jihyun’s excited chatter fades at Kyuhyun’s sharp tone. Pushing away her bowl, she quickly slips off her chair and runs to pull on her shoes, hiding her face from him.

Jongwoon is now openly frowning at Kyuhyun, who again feels the stirring of guilt somewhere around his navel. He busies himself with moving the dirty dishes to the sink, noting with some surprise that Jongwoon really had not burnt any of the food. (Not that Kyuhyun is one to talk; it took him years to master the art of making edible ramyun even).

Jongwoon approaches him again as Kyuhyun turns to leave.

‘I’m sorry, hyung, but I’m seriously running late -’

‘Go to work then. Let me take Jihyun to the day-care.’

That stops Kyuhyun in his tracks. He whips around and stares in disbelief at the older man.

‘I saw the place when I came here last night,’ he explains with a smile. ‘This town isn’t very big. I’m sure I can find it easily again.’

‘That’s ... that’s not ...’ Kyuhyun shakes his head, taking a calming breath. ‘Look, hyung, I don’t need any favours -’

‘Well, get used to it for the next couple of days. I’m not going to intrude on your hospitality without doing at least a few things for you,’ replies Jongwoon, looking seriously at him. 

They glare stubbornly at each other, neither backing down. Kyuhyun thinks back to what Jongwoon said earlier, about his car needing a few days to be repaired. There is a small part of him that is urging him to throw Jongwoon out anyway - he came without invitation or warning; he can just go and stay at a hotel if he damn pleases - but the thought dies before it is even fully formed.

Of course Kyuhyun will never stoop that low. His distress at Jongwoon’s appearance does not mean he will not even offer the man shelter until he can leave. 

(Besides, Jongwoon is being polite now, but Kyuhyun knows from experience that if provoked hard enough, Jongwoon can become quite aggressive. Kyuhyun is no fool; broken down car or not, he knows that his hyung is determined to stay anyway. They have both always been headstrong men.

And honestly, it is not as if Kyuhyun cannot trust Jongwoon to look after his little girl.)

They finally part ways with Kyuhyun handing Jongwoon a double of the house key before getting into his car. Jihyun, nestled in Jongwoon’s arms, waves energetically at him and calls goodbye. Surprisingly, she had not been very upset at the news that it will not be her father taking her to the day-care today. It leads Kyuhyun to wonder whether how the two of them had managed to bond so quickly over their short breakfast in his absence.

What nearly makes him floor the wrong pedal, though, is the genuine smile Jongwoon gives him and his parting words, 

‘We’ll be waiting, Kyu.’

~***~

‘What’s the matter with you, Cho? Answer your goddamn phone!’

Kyuhyun jumps in his swivelling computer chair at the yell of his next-cubicle-neighbour, who is glaring down at him from over the partitioning. Muttering an apology, he quickly snatches up the receiver, listens to the complaints of Ms Managing Director about how her computer is refusing to switch on and get your in here on the double and fix the damn thing, and wearily gets up to do just that.

Working in IT is pretty routine and boring, just like the rest of his life has been for the past few years. It is something he has accepted and gotten over, though. Despite having to deal with technologically-challenged idiots on a daily basis, his current job earns him enough to live comfortably and raise a child, and Kyuhyun is just fine with that.

But now, he is finding himself reminiscing about times long gone, a past that will never come back. A past where every day was an adrenaline rush, filled with hard work and incessant excitement, challenges that had his blood boiling and dreams that he put his sweat and blood into achieving.

A past filled with chaotic beauty and the glowing faces of fifteen brothers, bonded by love as strong as blood, floating on a sapphire blue sea.

A past he put behind him for good, which he had decided had no place in his present or future.

Only, the past has now literally come knocking on his front door and Kyuhyun is afraid - so afraid - of falling into that void again. He cannot go back to that, he thinks to himself as he grimly sets about to work out what is wrong with Ms Managing Director's computer. He cannot go back to what he had, of his own free will, chosen to leave behind for good. 

There had been reasons, solid reasons, as to why he had made the decisions that he did. But Kyuhyun is finding it a tad difficult to recall exactly what those reasons were when his mind is too busy conjuring up that image he left behind as he drove away this morning...

Jongwoon - that one man he had not expected to meet again - craddling his daughter, his happy smiling daughter, in his arms and the both of them waving goodbye to him and that moment had looked so surreal and yet so beautiful, so perfect, filling his heart with warmth and longing and an ache that was too familiar but so frightening - 

We'll be waiting, Kyu.

The computer switches on the moment Kyuhyun plugs in its power socket. He straightens up, ignoring the very sour look of burning shame Ms Managing Director is wearing lest he ends up making a snarky comment about her utter lack of common sense. Getting fired is not going to land a single father in a good position, he has to remind himself. 

The rest of the work day passes peacefully for the most part. He gets called for some help here and there, but it turns out to be one of those freer days for Kyuhyun. He is usually happy on such days, but not this time. Leaving his mind idle is only taking him back to thoughts of the uninvited guest in his house, and trying not to think about that is leading his thoughts down a more dangerous path still ... to memories long buried, whispers long silenced, feelings long suppressed, promises long broken...

With a groan, Kyuhyun folds his arms on his desk and buries his face in them, giving up on trying to distract himself.

Damn Jongwoon.

Damn him for coming back into Kyuhyun's life. Damn him for bringing back unwanted memories. And damn him for the race in Kyuhyun's pulse, the quickening of his breath, and the stirring of errant feelings rekindling in his heart again...

~***~

It had not exactly been something Kyuhyun could have seen coming, their relationship.

If it could have even been called a relationship. To this day, Kyuhyun is still not sure what it really had been between them. It had just ... happened. He had let it happen. 

He had made it happen. 

It had all seemed so normal in the beginning. Just a hyung and dongsaeng - two colleagues, two brothers, two friends. And such friends they had been! It had surprised Kyuhyun even, what with the shaky beginning of their acquaintance, not to mention their . Four years had seemed so significant a distance between them. And yet, not really. 

As the weeks turned into months and months into years, Kyuhyun had felt the changes in the tide as they overcame the differences between them; the age barrier, the misunderstandings and the hesitation. Their shared talents, which had seemed to promise a battlefield for rivalry at first, had made the transition into a common ground for the both of them - to bond, to appreciate, to assist and lead each other further down the road towards success. Together. 

Kyuhyun had been glad for the direction their relationship had taken. To have a hyung whose talent was on par with his - if not surpassing - helping him hone his own skills had been a blessing in its own right, but ... Kyuhyun had also found something more in Jongwoon. 

He had called it friendship. 

And maybe, at first, it really had been.

In Jongwoon he had found a willing ear to listen to him when he was troubled, a strong shoulder to lean on when he was down, and gentle hands to steady him when he reached his limits. He had drawn strength from the advice Jongwoon gave many a day, and he had dispelled his weaknesses into the cocoon of Jongwoon's warm arms many a night. He had sought assurance in Jongwoon's sure smiles and solace in the firm grip of his hand. He had looked to Jongwoon to give him the certainty that, in the early days, he often could not give himself.

And he had called it friendship.

He had experienced every feeling and emotion in Jongwoon's company. From their shared anxiety and fears for their future, to the ever strengthening hope and belief that everything would work out; from the cracking anger that sparked when their wills clashed, to the soothing balm of relief upon working out their problems; from the grief and pain that would never stop hounding a celebrity's life, to the boundless joy and happiness that tailed triumph ... Kyuhyun had felt everything with Jongwoon, had embarked on a journey of emotion with him, shared his life with him to an extent perhaps even Kyuhyun had not realised.

And he had called it friendship.

Perhaps, at some point, things really had been that innocent. Or maybe they never had been. 

He had only known, slowly over the years, that what he had with Jongwoon was unlike anything he had shared with another. To an outsider's eye, perhaps that would have been difficult to pick out. After all, apart from the unseen emotional connection he had with Jongwoon, their usual dalliances outside of work did nothing to raise eyebrows. Enjoying a meal together, a spontaneous shopping break, treating the other to a drink, just hanging out - all accompanied by the easy camaraderie of two people who are too used to teasing each other and the light nonchalant touches that indicate their mutual affection ... just natural excursions between friends.

To an outsider's eye, all they could perceive was the superficial. Kyuhyun, though ... he had felt the difference. There was a resonance in the air between him and Jongwoon that did not exist with anyone else. A tug, an insubstantial pull that drew him to Jongwoon in ways he could not define. Others could not see it but he felt the content he received purely from Jongwoon's company, talking together, laughing together. He felt the lightness in his heart when he saw Jongwoon's smile, receiving joy from the simple reason that Jongwoon was happy. And he felt the unfamiliar thrumming of an erratic energy that coursed through his body when Jongwoon touched him sometimes, his fingers light and lingering on his skin.

Kyuhyun had lain awake some nights, trying to decipher it all. To figure out the tremor in the air that sang between them, that he felt with no one else. Perhaps he had known the answer all along, but had shied away from it, not yet ready to face the enormity of all. Or perhaps he had just tried too hard that he aimed for the moon but landed in the empty vastness of space instead. Whatever the case, the answer had evaded him for longer than Kyuhyun cared to admit, and it only began to dawn on him when he finally came to realise that ... maybe, he was not alone in this. 

He could not have said what gave him the clue. Perhaps he had begun to realise that Jongwoon's touches with him had grown more intimate, lasted longer. Or he had noticed the unsettling tenderness in the other's warm brown eyes, the dilation of his pupils, when he looked at Kyuhyun. Or how it started to seem like Jongwoon had started seeking Kyuhyun's company more than he did others'. Maybe it was all of it together, but Kyuhyun did notice at last, and he could not have said which he felt more strongly:

The pure relief that the strange feelings he had been experiencing were not something he had to face alone, or the shocked skip of his heartbeat at the realisation of exactly what those feelings were ... and that Jongwoon probably felt them for Kyuhyun as well.

An epiphany like that, it is not something you handle recklessly. Kyuhyun had been overwhelmed; with both his own feelings and the inkling that they were returned. He had treaded with caution, tentatively reaching out to Jongwoon and observing how his approaches were received. Jongwoon had not shied away; not from the looks Kyuhyun gave him nor from his timid touches. He allowed them, allowed Kyuhyun to look, to touch, from fleeting grazes to something more lingering ... and he hesitantly returned them. 

Kyuhyun had felt the heat in his blood when Jongwoon gave him those looks, the gentle gaze that poorly veiled the intensity in his eyes, the focus. It pierced through him, making him feel bare and exposed under Jongwoon's stare. In contrast, he had felt his heart soar when Jongwoon's gaze gave way to his smiles, the sweet caring ones that brought him comfort, and assured him he was safe and loved. And then Kyuhyun would feel the knotting in his guts whenever Jongwoon touched him without necessity - the soft brushing of fingers to push back his hair, the soft caress of knuckles against his face for no reason other than affection, or briefly taking his hand in public in discreet yet flippant manners that belied the intimacy it provoked between them ... he had ended up craving it, Jongwoon's touch. 

And that, Kyuhyun would later think, was one of the greater factors that had lead to that particular night in Jongwoon's room, when they had been sprawled on his bed. It had been a common enough thing from long ago, even before Kyuhyun had grown aware of his feelings - Jongwoon and Kyuhyun just lazing together on a bed, staying up the whole night talking about nothing and everything simply because the company of the other was so much more preferable to the oblivion of sleep. There had been nothing out of the ordinary that night, just the soft lilt of their quiet voices adding to the beating march of the wall clock. 

Then Jongwoon had turned to him, cracking some lame joke Kyuhyun would never again remember, and his soft laughter had sent his warm breath washing over Kyuhyun's face and blowing back a strand of his hair. There was nothing special about it, just the quick whiff of Jongwoon's minty toothpaste, but the proximity of their faces had frozen Kyuhyun and he had just stared at the other, stared until Jongwoon calmed down and became aware of the subtle change in the air. Kyuhyun had watched how Jongwoon's cheeks had flushed a flattering pink, how his eyes widened only fractionally but his pupils were blown wide, how he tried to hide the little hitch in his breath ... and then he had just acted.

Jongwoon had been leaning against two plush pillows, leaving him in an odd half-sitting position, and Kyuhyun had simply rolled over from his back towards Jongwoon so that he ended up nearly lying on top of him. He rested his chin on Jongwoon's chest, earnestly looking up at his lidded eyes as he tentatively ran his palms up Jongwoon's sides over his thin tee shirt until they halted on either side of his ribs. Jongwoon said nothing, did nothing, just watched him. Biting his lip, Kyuhyun slowly stretched his bowed legs so that his lower body was more in contact with Jongwoon's; the moment Kyuhyun's hips rested their full weight on Jongwoon's, he saw something flicker in Jongwoon's eyes.

Kyuhyun had paused for just a moment. Nearly all doubt had fled his mind, but still ... he wanted to be absolutely sure. Eyes on Jongwoon's, he splayed his fingers and dug a little tighter into his sides. With the same movement, he rocked his left leg against Jongwoon, the one that lay right between Jongwoon's legs. The response was immediate. A hitch of breath, his eyes darken, and the resonance in the air between them sang.

That was when Kyuhyun had known with utmost certainty that Jongwoon felt it too. He felt the same tug Kyuhyun felt, that same weight which hung between them, threatening to drag them down until they drowned; drowned in each other, with each other. And Kyuhyun wanted to. Oh, how he wanted to. Now that he knew Jongwoon desired him with the same intensity that Kyuhyun felt for him...

There had been no thought and no plan. Just primeval instinct.

Kyuhyun had surged up, rubbing their torsos together and pressed his lips to Jongwoon's. Every fibre of his being seemed to tremble at the contact, in joyous harmony of finally reaching this endeavour that Kyuhyun had been thinking of, fantasising about, for far too long. Jongwoon's arm had gone around Kyuhyun, pressing them harder together; his other hand cupped the nape of his head, fingers caressing the skin there to elicit a shiver and Kyuhyun sighed into Jongwoon's mouth. Their lips had given way to each other and Kyuhyun couldn't help but moan as the kiss deepened with increasing passion, the heat between them building up, and he was delighted to hear Jongwoon whimper against him. 

His blood had seemed to pound in his ears, every beat of his heart a hammer against his chest, and it all had felt so good. So right, that he never wanted to stop. Panting, he had drawn away for a moment, to look at Jongwoon's bright eyes, the high colour in his cheeks and the moist curve of his soft lips. Jongwoon's heart beat against his chest through the fabric of his clothes, wild and fierce just like his own, and Kyuhyun moved towards him again. He wanted to kiss him, touch him; wanted Jongwoon to kiss and touch him; for them to claim and brand each other -

Jongwoon put up a finger, stopping Kyuhyun's lips an inch from his own. 'Wait, Kyuhyun-ah ... wait...'

That was when Kyuhyun had seen, through the swirling passion and desire in his eyes, the first signs of anxiety, uncertainty ... and fear. Had they always been there, ever since these feelings had manifested, and Kyuhyun had simply been blind to them? Or had they come with the thought that gripped Jongwoon then, the one that gave him pause and made him reconsider what they were getting into?

Whichever the case, Kyuhyun had not wanted to face them at that moment. He did not need to ask where that fear and uncertainty had come from; somewhere deep down, he had known. Always had. But if he stopped right then and actually thought about it, let Jongwoon voice it aloud, it all might have made too much sense and that was the last thing Kyuhyun had wanted then. He had not wanted to contemplate the obstacles that stood in his and Jongwoon's way; he had just wanted Jongwoon. Had made up his mind that he would have him, because Jongwoon wanted him too and it just felt right.

'Don't,' Kyuhyun had whispered, pulling down Jongwoon's hand and interlacing their fingers together, but the other turned his head slightly when Kyuhyun sought his lips again.

'I mean it, Kyuhyun,' Jongwoon breathed, shaking his head slightly. 'This is ... we should -'

'I don't want to hear it.' Kyuhyun looked earnestly at him. 'All I know right now is what I feel for you and what I know you feel for me and that here, being with you like this, has never felt more right. And that's all I need to know.'

Jongwoon had just looked at him, eyes shadowed. Kyuhyun wished that his words had driven away the darkness that had crept between them, but Jongwoon was no longer pushing him away and he took that as consent to touch him again. His heart soared once more when Jongwoon had, after a heartbeat, returned the kiss, making Kyuhyun gasp with pleasure as he slid his tongue against Kyuhyun's. The younger man had allowed the moment to consume him, to lose himself in the feelings. He forgot for the moment Jongwoon's hesitation and the repercussions this step in their relationship could have in the future.

He forgot to consider how something that he thought was right could bring about so much wrong.

For him, all that had existed in that moment was Jongwoon.

~***~

Kyuhyun is snapped out of his thoughts only when he realises the rest of his colleagues has started leaving. A startled glance at the clock reveals that it is past five in the afternoon. With a sigh, he gathers up his things and prepares to leave.

The drive home from work seems so much shorter than going to work had been that morning. Or perhaps that is only the feeling brought about by his own psyche, his apprehension at facing the person in his house again. Kyuhyun remains seated in his car even long after he has parked, unwilling to go home. His thoughts are still plagued by the old memories that surfaced today at the office. He bites his lips, knuckles turning white as he grips the steering wheel. 

He has spent years trying to forget, trying to move on - and he has thought he succeeded. It unnerves him how vividly he still remembers those times, especially that moment in Jongwoon's bedroom. The first time he gave into his heart's desires, acting on an impulse he did not think through - and starting the bitter mess that followed. His heart clenches painfully; it has always been his fault. He is the one who initiated it, who dragged Jongwoon into it, and look where that took them.

It hurts even more that he can remember that moment with such clarity. How, beneath the bitterness that now veils that memory, he can still recall the roiling emotions that emanated between them, the touch of Jongwoon's gentle hands on his skin, the taste of Jongwoon's warm mouth ... Many more kisses had followed, but Kyuhyun cannot recall them as vividly as that first one. A shiver runs down his back, an echo of the passion that had taken over him that night in Jongwoon's arms...

Releasing a breath, Kyuhyun shakes himself a little, berating himself for lingering on the memory. It is in the past now, it no longer holds any consequences for him and continuing to think on it will bring nothing but unnecessary heartache. All Kyuhyun needs right now is to steel himself and get through the next few days with Jongwoon. Survive through that without bringing up the past and then Kyuhyun will be free to return to normalcy as soon as Jongwoon leaves again.

Nodding to himself, he finally gets out of the car and strides up to his front door. He can do this, it will be easy, he reassures himself. After all, life is only as difficult as you make it.

Kyuhyun realises he needs to reconsider that advice when the door opens before he even gets his keys out, and he is met with Jongwoon's brilliant smile. He freezes, staring at the kind brown eyes that gaze steadily into his own, and the joyful curve of his lips that is like a blinding radiance in the fading sunlight. 

With a tilt of his head, Jongwoon greets him, 'Welcome back, Kyu. We were waiting for you.'

And Kyuhyun's heart - quiescent until today - jumps and comes alive in his chest, slowly starting to pound once more. His resolve quivers. 

He is in such deep trouble.

~tbc~

A/N: I'll be working on the next part soon, revealing more of their past and their current relationship. This fic will be a two/three-shot, depending on how long-winded I end up (it was supposed to be a one-shot ahaha). 
Anyway, please tell me in the comments what you think of it so far? :D