once is an accident
four green bottles (if one should accidentally fall)The first time Jackson meets N, he doesn't think too much of it. There are too many things that need his attention and focus already.
There's the ever persistent language barrier, except this time he doesn't have someone like Guk Joo noona who will indulge his need for motherly affection and reassurance, or someone like Joon hyung who still has difficulties navigating Korean language and culture after fifteen years and assures him that he can do this -- survive this Korean entertainment scene despite being essentially foreign: survive and thrive. But he doesn't have them now. This is variety without his GOT7 or Roommate members. It feels like he's been thrown into the jungle and he needs every last bit of wit and ingenuity to survive. In his head, he clutches at his imaginary sabre to give him strength.
The other newly drafted members of Big Byung are looking equally reserved and uncertain. Hyungdon and Defconn are so many times more of a handful than when they're safely confined in the filming studio in Basement Three. It's like ravenous lions have been unleashed and they're prowling around the four hapless idol members, waiting for their chance to pounce... His fingers spasm around where the handle of his sabre would have been.
"Are you okay?" a concerned voice asks quietly.
Jackson realises he's been staring, slightly scared, at Hyungdon and Defconn exchanging prickly barbs and comments about the members and each other in rapid fire Korean. It's for the cameras, he tells himself, only for the cameras.
He realises that VIXX's leader N is still waiting patiently for his response, though he's starting to look more worried with each second Jackson doesn't respond.
Jackson scrubs his face and adjusts his snapback to sit at a more jaunty angle. "I'm fine!" he exclaims, pasting a wide grin on his face. "I'm just getting hungry." He laughs, a little too loudly. "I can go without sleep, you know, but I can't go without food. When do you think they'll let us eat again?"
N's face breaks into a warm smile and doesn't let himself get sidetracked. He nods slightly at Hyungdon and Defconn. "They can be quite intimidating, can't they? I mean, we've done variety before, but it's always just been VIXX, you know? Or with someone interviewing us, getting to know us." His smile turns rueful. "No one's outright tried to bait us and undercut us before. But I guess it's their style. We'll just have to get used to it."
"I find variety really difficult to shoot," Jackson blurts, then slaps a hand over his mouth. He doesn't mean to confide in N -- someone he's just barely met -- but N is nodding in understanding, and his eyes are sympathetic and remind him just a bit of something comforting and familiar, so Jackson goes on.
"Well, it's not so much the language -- most of the time -- but all the cultural references I don't get. The viewers see it and laugh and enjoy it but..." It's not nice being known on national television as the foreigner who doesn't get anything. "I don't understand why I'm being cast all the time," he finishes instead.
The cameras are being shifted into place, and the crew is making noise about starting to film again, so Jackson assumes their brief conversation is over. He's about to obediently shuffle back into position when N lays a hand on his arm. He turns back to compassionate brown eyes.
"Variety will get easier to film the more you do it," N says with all the experience of someone two years more senior in the industry. "You have a natural honesty and an upright character that draws people to you; that's why you're getting cast so much. Don't think too much about it, just be yourself." N flashes him a last encouraging smile and nudges him back to the group.
The first time Jackson meets N, even though he doesn't know him well yet, he thinks that he's very kind.
~*~
The second time they meet, they're listening to the sample track Defconn has prepared for their debut.
It's N's turn to get worried. It shows on his face as the filming extends into the late night. His training as a vocalist shows through: he raps his lines like they're a melody. Hyungdon and Defconn are looking increasingly irritated with his attempts, faces getting darker and darker as the recording wears on. Jackson has stopped trying to figure out if their short tempers are just for the sake of the show.
Jackson struggles with the language but at least he has the skill down pat. He isn't a born rapper and neither did he develop an interest in it from an early age, not like Bam Bam, but it's the role he's been trained for at JYP and it's comfortable to him like a second skin. Confidence comes easily to him, always has, and he can inject enough swag and brashness that is half the battle won when it comes to rap.
N, though, is heartbreakingly uncertain of himself. For all the praises he sings of himself, Jackson identifies it easily -- a false bravado that hides his insecurities. Because if he exaggerates his strengths and he's laughed at, he can wave it away as a joke. Jackson wonders if he even believes the things about himself that are true.
After they fail again to meet up to Hyungdon's expectations, the two producers announce a practice break.
"You guys haven't practiced at all, have you?" Hyungdon says critically. He snorts, the camera lapping up every move. "What do you think we gave you the lyrics for?"
Jackson looks around at the other members, exhaustion on their faces from their packed schedules, lyrics sheets crumpled and well-worn in their hands. He stares down at his own sheet, his part carefully underlined and highlighted, with romanised annotations to help him pronounce his lines more accurately. They've all been practicing. It's the curse of being an idol: You never know if your effort is going to be enough, and so you just work as hard as you can, running as hard as you can in the hopes that it'll pay off.
The cameras stop rolling and the crew discuss the next shot. Defconn wipes off his sweat and hands a bottle of water to Hyungdon.
N excuses himself from the room, lyrics clutched in his hand. Jackson watches him go and wonders if he dares to follow.
Just then, the staff approach him. "We'll be filming the members practicing in separate places. Does JYP have enough practice rooms or places they can be? Locations like stairwells are fine too, it'd be best if we can have a variety of settings."
Jackson obligingly plays host, of course, sorting them out.
Ten minutes later, the crew has been deployed to the other locations within the building and are getting ready to move out. Jackson grabs the opportunity to look for N. He finds him at the fire escape near the room they were in. He's not resting; he's still practicing his lines.
Jackson watches him as he tries out different tones and expressions, feeling surprisingly unwilling to interrupt him.
The second time they meet, Jackson thinks N works really hard and is probably much too harsh on himself. He wonders what it must be like to be under N as the leader of VIXX. He wonders if they might have become close. He wonders if he could have helped to shoulder some of that stress.
The next time they film, N's rap has improved tremendously.
"I got Ravi to make me a vocal guide," he confides as he lifts his hand to meet Jackson's excited high five. "I memorised it."
Jackson grins, ridiculously proud. "I won't tell."
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