Sungjong wakes up this morning with a rather labored breath and his hair sticking to his forehead, damp with sweat -- the familiar, very early signs of cold that would go away with some vitamin drink or, if persistent enough, a shot or two at a hospital visit. In any ways, it doesn't worry him, the possibility of falling sick, because unless their schedule for the next couple of days has been revamped overnight, he is pretty certain he can afford being unwell for a day or two.

No, the thing that actually bothers him right now is how his hand is tingling, with some kind of sensation his mind can't quite put a name to, maybe because he just woke up and it's still fogged with sleep. When Sungjong tries harder, he vaguely recalls having similar feeling when he was still a kid - few years back that sometimes feel like ages ago - holding on to the ribbon of his yellow bunny-shaped balloon given by the smiling noona at the park's entrance, before some kid bumped into him from behind and the ribbon slipped from his grasp, the balloon soon floating up, a yellow dot against the vast blue sky until Sungjong could see no more, leaving his hand reaching up for something he knew he would never get back.

He had been too stubborn - even then, at the tender age of six - to cry over something like that, but when he grew older Sungjong understood that that day at the park, he had learned what it felt like to lose something he held dear.

Now Sungjong has to frown at the thought, because it completely makes no sense. But then again, nothing much does when he thinks too much in the morning - or in any given time of the day at all - and clearly he has been thinking too much.

Sighing, he straightens up on his bed and runs a hand through his still damp hair and glances around the dim lit room. Somehow his gaze falls first to Myungsoo's bed across the room, past Sunggyu's bed which is cramped closer to his -- though not by much, given that their room isn't even necessarily spacious. He reasons with himself - why, though, he has no idea - that it's because Myungsoo's is empty, still unmade with the blanket tossed carelessly at the end of the bed, and a messy, empty bed like that catches attention easier than a sleeping Sunggyu sprawled like an eagle on the other bed.

He only hazily registers the sound of running water from the bathroom as he stares unthingkingly at the empty bed. He feels.... weird, like he is aware of what he is doing and can't try to explain even to himself why he is doing it but just can't stop anyway.

"What are you doing?"

Sungjong starts and hastily tears his gaze away, blushes like he's just been caught doing something he shouldn't, though he is not sure there is a law that forbids someone from oggling at a roommate's bed. Or is there?

He shakes his head to get rid of the stupid thought and confusedly turns his head to the door, where Myungsoo is standing at the doorway, one hand toweling his wet hair while the other resting on his hip, and he's looking at Sungjong with raised brows like he's expecting something.

It takes seconds for Sungjong to realize that Myungsoo might still be waiting for an answer.

"Uhm," he begins awkwardly, and a small voice at the back of his mind wonders if it's always been this hard to talk to Myungsoo. "I was just. It's - It's still early and your bed's empty so I kind of wondered where you were."

"Hmmm," is Myungsoo's only response as he walks into the room, past Sungjong and plops down on the bed, his right hand now busy roaming the nightstand for his phone.

Sungjong scoffs, can't quite believe that he just had to explain himself for doing something that isn't even the closest thing to a crime against humanity, only to be dismissed so easily like that.

He hates it, honest to God hates to be treated that way, and if Myungsoo thinks for one second that he could do that just because Sungjong is the youngest here, he swears -

Then a smile breaks on Myungsoo's face as he finally gets a hold of his phone - buried beneath his pillows, like every single damn time - and the mere sight of it makes the rage building up inside Sungjong go away as easy as it has come in the first place. He suddenly feels dizzy, as if the cold he might have caught has intensified in a matter of minutes, and pretty exhausted too, like he's done a whole week's worth of schedule though the day is just starting, and now all he wants to do is to curl up in his bed and have some more rest.

So he lies back down on the mattress, facing the wall, and wills himself to fall asleep.

His hand is tingling again.

-

Some nights, Sungjong would find himself completely awake, sleep as elusive as ever, and he doesn't quite know what he should do to pass the long hours that seem to stretch on forever before the dawn finally breaks. He never forgets to feign it, though, because it is essential not to let Sunggyu suspect anything and make such a fuss about it, which would not help his sleeping problem at all.

What helps is that Sunggyu tends to doze off as soon as his head touches the pillows - even sooner on days when they barely have any time even to take some breather - and that he isn't exactly a light sleeper who'd jolt awake at the faintest sound of the sheets rustling and the door creaking as Sungjong carefully slips off his bed, out of the room and into the living room where he'd settle on the sofa, which, though soft and cozy, is no better in inducing sleep than his own bed is. But at least here he doesn't feel confined, doesn't need to worry if the thoughts running through his head are too loud in the depth of night they'd actually be heard by his roommates.

"What are you doing here?"

Sungjong is startled all right, but not in any way frightened, because the tone of the voice was too gentle to scare him. He lets out a sigh before turning his head around, and smiles weakly at Myungsoo who is hovering behind the sofa.

"Hey, hyung," he says, keeping his voice low but light, like Myungsoo hasn't just caught him awake at four twenty when he should be sleeping like a log. Sungjong has half-heartedly expected his attempt on making it seem like nothing would work to ease the worry written all over Myungsoo's face, but he soon realizes it's pointless. He knows, perhaps better than anyone now, that Myungsoo would always worry about every little thing when it comes to him -- and not sleeping at night surely counts as more than just little in Myungsoo's book.

The knowledge has been more than disconcerting at first; it is simultaneously flattering and flustering, and it certainly took some getting used to, having someone who is continuously concerned about his well being more than his own parents probably ever would. But with time, he has learned to accept things as they are -- besides, no matter what he's done - or hasn't done - Myungsoo is still there, so at some point Sungjong has stopped trying to figure out what it'd take to drive Myungsoo away.

"Can't sleep?" Myungsoo asks again, voice still as quiet, as he rounds the sofa to sit next to Sungjong, carefully leaving some space between them - as much as he could manage to have in the not-too-long sofa - so that Sungjong won't feel as if he is intruding his personal territory -- a gesture that hasn't gone unnoticed by Sungjong, though he says nothing about it and just nods his head.

"Do you want to tell me what's keeping you awake?"

Myungsoo looks at him through his messy bangs, and Sungjong fleetingly wonders what Myungsoo sees when he looks at Sungjong like that. It used to make him feel uncomfortable, but now, here, it warms him in a way he's not sure he's ready to admit even to himself.

"It's nothing," Sungjong shrugs. "It just happens sometimes, no reason at all."

It's not exactly a lie. Heck, it's not -- the thoughts that often occupy his mind on a night like this are more of an effect than a cause, the consequence of having all the time in the world whilst doing absolutely nothing, and though there is no way for Myungsoo to find out, Sungjong would rather shoot himself first before letting on that his thoughts would occasionally have Myungsoo in them.

Myungsoo doesn't seem too convinced by his answer, but he doesn't push it either. He leans back on the sofa, one hand resting idly only inches away from Sungjong's, close enough their hands would actually touch if only Myungsoo spreads his fingers wide.

He does just that, and Sungjong doesn't feel the least bit inclined to withdraw his hand.

"You want to go back to the room?" Myungsoo asks again quietly.

"No," Sungjong says, feeling too oddly content with their current position to bother moving at all.

"How about some hot cocoa?"

"I tried. Didn't work."

Sungjong can almost hear the easy grin forming on Myungsoo's face before he actually sees it. "Well, you haven't tried mine," Myungsoo says, his hand gently closes over Sungjong's before he gets on his feet and walks to the kitchen.

-

"Sungjong-ah, you okay?"

An annoyed "No" is unspoken at the tip of his tongue, ready to be launched at whoever asked earlier should they dare asking again, because he was just about to get comfortable, at last, after finding himself some safe space in the corner of this too freaking small dressing room where he is trying to hunch on the chair and rest his throbbing head against the cool white wall without having to worry about being accidentally shoved aside or getting elbowed or stepped on his feet.

But then there's a hand on his hair, touching with just enough pressure to let Sungjong know that it's there, and he marvels at how warm and soothing it feels, temporarily dulling the pain his headache is causing, and he lets himself dwelling in the comfort before opening his eyes to see who it is.

He can't help noticing the sharp pang of disappointment when he realizes it's Woohyun.

"Hey, hyung," he says, suddenly feels too drained to try to work up a smile when he doesn't even feel like it. He shifts on his seat, not wanting to see the look on Woohyun's face that he knows will only remind him of something he'd rather not think about (now and maybe ever), and, as he does so, catches a glimpse of Myungsoo past Woohyun's hovering figure that is blocking most of his view. He involuntarily takes a sharp, deep breath and Woohyun abruptly removes his hand that had been on his head, looks a good balance of openly concerned and poorly-concealed hurt.

Sungjong groans. He really really doesn't have the energy to explain himself right now, or perhaps he just doesn't know how -- this is becoming too confusing and his head just hurts that much more.

"You're not feeling well, are you?" Woohyun asks again, more carefully this time, as if he's not sure Sungjong might not snap anytime soon. Sungjong wonders if Woohyun - or any one of his hyungs - actually finds him as difficult to deal with as he does Myungsoo, and the possibility of it makes him feel sorry enough.

He smiles a little. "It's not unbearable, I've had worse," he says, and just shrugs off Woohyun's disapproving look because he is the one dealing wIth the pain (and the ever growing confusion) -- he can brag about it all he wants.

Woohyun opens his mouth as if he wants to say something, but then his lips set to a firm line as though he thinks better of it, and in the end he just sighs, turns a little on his feet to grab a bottle of water from the table, and hands it to Sungjong.

"Just drink a lot of water for now, and get some rest as soon as we reach the dorm, 'kay?"

Sungjong curtly nods just as Woohyun turns around and walks across the room to where Sunggyu is talking to a stylist noona, no doubt reporting his condition because shortly after that the leader glances at his direction. He offers another smile, one he hopes comes out a little stronger than the one he showed Woohyun earlier, just so Sunggyu wouldn't make a fuss about it -- the last thing he wants right now is to have all the members' attention on him, though, he muses ruefully, a certain someone might not even bother to care at all.

To his relief, Sunggyu doesn't do worse than eyeing him for few more seconds - perhaps to assess whether he really won't collapse before they make it to the end of their performance tonight (that is due in less than an hour) - and flashing him that typical encouraging smile before talking to the noona again.

The water bottle feels cool against his sweaty palms, and he tries to focus his attention on that instead of on Myungsoo, who he can see clearly now that Woohyun is out of his line of view. He tries not to get curious about the reason Myungsoo is so attached to his phone lately; tries not to feel irritated that Myungsoo looks happy, fiddling with the phone doing God knows what, even though he feels like crap.

Above all, Sungjong tries to convince himself that it doesn't bother him at all that this Myungsoo is so different from the Myungsoo in his dream just a couple nights ago.

Huffing in annoyance, aimed more at his pathetic self than everything - and everyone - else, he grips the bottle in one hand just a little tighter as he tries to uncap it with his other hand, and laughs bitterly because apparently it takes more strength than what's left in him, and he's not Lee Sungjong if he asks help for something as ridiculously simple as uncapping a freaking bottle of water.

He puts the damn bottle away begrudingly and leans back on his chair, silently cursing the universe.

-

Sungjong hasn't been feeling well since morning, and it really doesn't help that they're scheduled to film outdoor that day when the sun is practically burning them alive with its unforgiving, scorching heat.

He doesn't bother listening to what the show's PD has to say as soon as they're given an okay to take a break; he quietly slips away from the filming spot and into the much-welcomed comfort that is their waiting van. There will be repercussions of his action, Sungjong knows, but right now he just can't bring himself to care about the possibility of being reprimanded by both Sunggyu and his manager.

He has just settled himself on the backseat nearest to the window where he can rest his throbbing head against the cool glass when the van's door slides open. Sungjong glances up from his position and smiles as he watches Myungsoo climbing into the vehicle and making his way over to where he sits.

Myungsoo has a bottle of water in one hand and a box of tissue in the other. He quietly hands the bottle to Sungjong who accepts it with a grateful smile, grabs some tissues from the box, and starts dabbing at Sungjong's face before the latter can even comprehend what he's doing.

"Hyung, what--" Sungjong starts, straightening up from his already comfortable position, but then Myungsoo places a hand on his head, with just enough pressure to keep him in place without making him feel as if he's being held down against his will.

"Just stay still," Myungsoo says softly, and Sungjong instantly relaxes back on his seat though he still doesn't understand; the pain in his head seems to have rendered him incapable of thinking clearly.

"I'm just helping you getting rid of the sweat," Myungsoo says again, answering Sungjong's silent question. "You stink."

Too exhausted to try to get back at Myungsoo for his teasing, Sungjong just rolls his eyes. He lifts the bottle in his hand and is about to open the cap to take some sips when Myungsoo beats him to it. Swiftly, the older takes the bottle from Sungjong and uncaps it before handing it back to Sungong, the annoying smirk on his face from earlier when he teased Sungjong has now been replaced with an affable smile that just makes Sungjong's head throbs some more.

"You're such a baby," Myungsoo coos as he ruffles Sungjong's hair a little, and Sungjong swears if it had been anyone else, he would have gladly given them a piece of his mind for treating him like - and literally calling him - a baby.

But this is Myungsoo, so Sungjong once again finds himself making an exception -- something that he has done a lot recently.

-

The door creaks open and though the room is dark, there is no mistaking the figure that has just closed the door and is now slowly creeping up to the side of his bed.

Myungsoo spends nearly half a minute hovering over his bed before Sungjong can feel a dip on his mattress, and the latter tries his best not to flinch when he suddenly feels a hand on his forehead.

"Hmm, seems like your fever has gone down," Myungsoo muses matter-of-factly, as if he's been observing the weather instead of checking on an unwell member. A member. Sungjong's heart gives the now familiar, painful twist as he repeats the word in his head and wonders if it's all that he's worth, to Myungsoo.

It's right at this moment that he gets the epiphany, the realization that clears all the confusion that has kept him drowning lately, and Sungjong doesn't know if it's supposed to make him laugh or cry.

"Are you feeling better now?" Myungsoo asks, and he just nods, not trusting himself not to choke up and give himself away, though he supposes there is no way Myungsoo - this Myungsoo - could ever tell.

And he supposes he's not thinking straight when his hand shoots up from under the blanket reaching out to Myungsoo's just as the older looks like he's about to get on his feet, and says, "Can't you just stay here, hyung?"

Sungjong still can't see Myungsoo clearly for the lack of light but he knows that the other must be looking at him funny right now, because he's never been like this - so openly vulnerable - to anyone, leave alone to Myungsoo. But he also has always been selfish, wants to have what's not always rightfully his, and right now, this is everything he wants.

It feels like forever before he finally hears Myungsoo's hesitant "OK sure" and "I'll be on my bed, just holer if you need anything". He is grateful that Myungsoo doesn't flick the light on, so that the other won't have to see his face when he says "Thank you, hyung", won't have to read the look in his face right now that will tell him more than Sungjong would ever have the courage to admit with his own words.

Myungsoo's phone flashes in the darkness, and Sungjong is once again reminded that it shouldn't matter even if he could gather up enough guts.

He can't.

-

His fever runs throughout a couple of days, and Sungjong finds himself drifting in and out of consciousness. He hates how feverish his skin feels, how he can't seem to make sense of anything even when he's awake, how he can barely concentrate on what's happening around him.

Everything just seems distorted, blurred together as if he's watching through rippled water. He hears a voice saying things he can't comprehend, feels a warm hand on his own sweaty one, and sees a face that slowly comes into focus.

Myungsoo.

"Don't go," Sungjong says quietly, but his voice croaks and he coughs so badly he wonders if Myungsoo hears him at all.

He might have imagined it, but Sungjong thinks that Myungsoo's eyes look even sadder than they were a few moments ago. Myungsoo reaches out to rest a hand on his face, the touch feathery light, and he smiles and looks at Sungjong in the eyes as he promises, "Never."

Sungjong drifts into sleep again shortly, lulled by the comfort of Myungsoo's warmth.

-

It's bound to hurt, Sungjong knows.

It hurts to feel for someone who doesn't feel for you.

It hurts to care so much for someone who doesn't seem to care about you.

It hurts to wish to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you, and it hurts even more to yearn to be the person that someone chooses to be with.

But, above all, what cuts him so deep is that he knows what it could've been like to be that person. Sungjong knows just how.... wonderful, how amazing it could've felt to be the one Myungsoo cares so much for, to be the only one Myungsoo ever wants to be with. It could've been him and then he could've had it all: Myungsoo's undivided attention, his gentle touches, his warm smile, everything that Myungsoo is willing to give.

Heck it had actually been him and no one else, in his dreams -- ones that always feel so real he could almost lose himself in them, ones he could not decide whether he hates or craves for, since they're always so good, so much better than the nightmare that is his reality he sometimes wishes he wouldn't have to wake up to, and yet they forever serve to remind him of what could never be.

It hurts so much now that his hand always tingles whenever he sees Myungsoo.

But how could you lose something you never had in the first place?

-

Sungjong wakes up this morning with a rather labored breath and his hair sticking to his forehead, damp with sweat. He feels so weak and also filthy, knows that he most likely stinks and looks like crap because of all the perspiration, but it's the least of his worries now. His head has stopped spinning, the fog clouding it for the past days he's been sick has been lifted, so it is now easier for him to make out his surroundings and to take in the dim lit room that is practically empty save for himself.

Something akin to panic rises within him, much like the wave of nausea that hit him again and again during the course of his illness, and he instantly feels sick again. He struggles up to sitting position with little strength he has, his heartbeat frantic as he calls out, as loud as his croaking voice allows him to.

"Hyung," he chokes, and he tries again, just a little louder. "Myungsoo hyung."

It's only then he registers the sound of running water from the bathroom  that seems to stop abruptly, and then there are footsteps coming closer to the bedroom. His heart clenches when he finally sees Myungsoo in the doorway - either from relief or from fear, he cannot tell, confused and disoriented as he is now.

"Hey, you're awake."

It's Myungsoo's voice that assures him more than anything else; the layered emotions that he could hear carried through those mere words. It speaks of everything: Myungsoo's lingering worry (for his still being sick), his relief (that he's somewhat better now), his unrestrained affection (for him, only for him).

The thought that it could have been so different sends shivers down Sungjong's spines, and he shudders involuntarily.

Myungsoo doesn't waste another second; next thing Sungjong knows, Myungsoo's arms are around him, one hand rubbing his back soothingly while the other cradling his head against his shoulder, fingers lightly brushing his damp hair as he quietly whispers in Sungjong's ears, "It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, you got me."

Sungjong has never allowed himself to truly open up and be vulnerable around others, even more so since he stepped into the life he's living now, for he's afraid it might be used against him and leave him hurting. But Myungsoo - and only Myungsoo - is an exception, he always is, so Sungjong doesn't hesitate for one moment before he clings to Myungsoo for dear life, hands tightly around the fabric of Myungsoo's shirt.

"I - I had a dream," he says, uncaring of how it comes out more like a sob. "It was of you, hyung. But in my dream, you were different. In my dream, you - you didn't care. Not at all."

And it hurt so bad, he wants to say, but can't find his voice to continue, so he just holds Myungsoo a little tighter and buries his face in the curve of Myungsoo's neck, wetting the exposed skin there with his tears.

Myungsoo keeps silent, but Sungjong knows he was listening because there was a slight hitch to his rubbing right after Sungjong told him what the dream was about, and when it started again, Sungjong could feel the carefully added pressure, the unspoken reassurance that Myungsoo must have understood he had been searching for, and Sungjong has never felt more sure about what he actually wants where Myungsoo is concerned.

"Stay with me."

Myungsoo's hand on his back goes still again, and Sungjong feels another surge of panic when Myungsoo seems to pull away, untangling himself from reluctant Sungjong. But he doesn't entirely let go, his hands are now entwined with Sungjong's clammy ones, and as Sungjong looks at him, really looks at him, he understands what Myungsoo is about to say even if he chooses not to.

His gentle smile says it best.

"Always."

--

ending note: so uhm, just in case anyone hasn't figured it out yet, this was heavily inspired by the series Supernatural, episode 2.20 with exactly the same title. was having a marathon way back then when it occured to me that a myungjong version should be interesting. so any similarity to the episode's storyline was completely intentional. (also. omg i can't believe i finished up two Myungjong fics in less than a week after not writing for months asdfghjkl;. fingers crossed they don't disappoint).