He can't really say when it starts. Somewhere between when the high from winning Mix&Match wore off and the trips to Japan get repetitive instead of new and exciting. Chanwoo still loves it, still loves being on the stage and singing and dancing, but he's tired. He's so tired, he just wants to sleep but he can't because there's dance practice and vocal practice and opening for Big Bang and more practice.

He's folding, ever so slowly. He feels it.

It's not exactly bad when Jinhwan, Bobby and Hanbin all laugh about a stupid inside joke they have. At least then Donghyuk, Junhoe and Yunhyeong are as lost as he is. It's those times when the six of them laugh about something that happened before Chanwoo even joined YG that it's bad. He knows they're not doing it to be mean, but it doesn't really soothe the slight ache he feels when he's so lost because they're all cackling about something and Chanwoo doesn't even understand the joke. Usually Chanwoo will smile slightly, though, because he doesn't want to worry them and he shouldn't be this hurt because of course they have their own jokes, he's only been with them for a comparatively short time.

And then there are the nights when sleep just won't come and the glowing screen of his phone doesn't help. It's like picking at a scab and Chanwoo just can't stop reading the comments. 'useless' 'he makes so many mistakes' 'he's just dragging the rest of the team down'. Hanbin would yell at him if he knew what Chanwoo was doing. He knows that he shouldn't read those comments, shouldn't take them to heart, but he can't stop. He just can't stop.

He's stuck in a repeating loop of sadness, loneliness and just generally feeling lost and nervous and wrong, wrong, wrong because if it had been Jinhyeong or Hongseok in his place at least they wouldn't be holding everyone back. At least they would have something to offer that wasn't just big eyes.

He wants to tell the others. He knows that he should but he can't. Hanbin has his own struggles and worries and Bobby is so busy trying to get their name out there and the rest of them are busy with practice as well. He comes close to telling Yunhyeong. But the elder looks worried himself so Chanwoo ends up consoling him instead.

And so Chanwoo is alone, crying hot and shameful tears in the bathroom at 2am. It doesn't feel good, nothing is being relieved, because very tear that falls reminds him that he's failing to fit in, he's failing to make his hyungs proud, he's failing to make their fans happy. He's failing.

He muffles the sounds of his tears as best he can, not wanting to wake anyone because they have early schedules tomorrow.

Hanbin knows that something's off with Chanwoo. He also knows that Chanwoo thinks he doesn't know. But Hanbin isn't blind and he's not stupid. Their maknae is suffering, and whatever it is that he's holding inside is slowly breaking him in two.

It wasn't clear at first. Chanwoo is just and sweet and kind as he's always been. It's clear now, crystal clear.  Chanwoo is withdrawing from them. He doesn't laugh as loudly at Bobby's jokes, he doesn't lean his head on their shoulders when he's sleepy (he looks like he's been losing sleep, there are big black bags beneath his wide brown eyes), he doesn't reach out to them for reassurance. 

It's worrisome. 

(And, yeah, Hanbin blames himself a little bit because he's been so wrapped up in dealing with his own that he didn't notice how much Chanwoo needed him. He's the leader, damnit, it's his job to notice these things and to fix them).

Hanbin leans against the bathroom door. Every muffled sob is a stab in the heart. Is a reminder that he failed Chanwoo as a leader. Finally, he can't take it anymore he knocks lightly on the door, hears a muffled gasping noise but nothing else. 

"Chanwoo-yah?" he calls to the youngest softly.

There's some shuffling and a few sniffling noises. "G-give me a minute, Hanbin hyung, I'm almost finished."

Hanbin waits patiently for Chanwoo to open the door. And his heart nearly breaks when he's greeted with a puffy-faced red-eyed sixteen year old. He's obviously trying to hide what he was just doing and Hanbin doesn't plan on letting him.

"Sorry, I don't feel very good--"

"What's really wrong?"

There is thick silence and Chanwoo's big eyes drop to the floor, suddenly very interested in the tile patterns on the bathroom floor. Hanbin steps in and closes the bathroom door behind them, giving them some privacy. And then he waits.

Chanwoo mumbles a response that sound suspiciously like 'I just wanna be good enough.'

Hanbin doesn't bother to clarify rather he opts to hug Chanwoo.

Chanwoo doesn't really know what possesses him, but the minute he feels Hanbin's arms around his waist he starts crying again. He presses his face against Hanbin's shoulder, letting the older boy hold him while he cries, months and months of pent up frustration and sadness pouring out of him all at once. Part of him feels vaguely guilty because he knows that Hanbin's had a rough time too. But once the tears start there's no stopping them. So Chanwoo just cries, until the tears stop themselves.

For a long while there's silence, broken only by Chanwoo's attempts to get back in control of himself. He feels a light thump on the back of his head and he shifts slightly looking up at Hanbin from his shoulder.

"Don't say useless things, Chanwoo. If you weren't good enough you wouldn't be in the group." Then he feels Hanbin gently his hair. "Why didn't you tell us you were feeling like this, maknae?"

"I don't want to be a burden and you all have your own things to worry about -"

"Yah! Jung Chanwoo! What did I say about useless things?" Hanbin lightly thumps the back of his head again, going back to his hair seconds later. "You're part of our team now, if it's affecting you it's affecting all of us, okay?" Chanwoo nods slowly.

For a long moment he allows himself to bask in Hanbin's physical affection. He feels Hanbin start shifting uncomfortably after a few more seconds and looks at him questioningly.

"I really have to pee so if you could-" It's said on a whine, while he shifts back and forth looking like he's about ready to burst.

Chanwoo can't help the laugh that bubbles from his throat, it never fails to surprise him how Hanbin can go from being so mature to being so childish. The leader is definitely one of a kind.

a/n: is this Hanbin appreciation or Chanwoo appreciation. I can't tell...

But this whole fic just sorta dropped itself into my lap and I felt the need to share it so here you go.