Present Time.

 

 

I sighed for the nth time today as I was very busy preparing for Seoul Fashion Week. I couldn't bear to lose my focus as it is very important for a designer in taking part in events like these. It was also crucial to me as a designer who is trying to build a name in the fashion industry.

 

"Hey Kwon, are you finished with the final touching?" I asked my concept director, a friend of mine named Jo Kwon.

 

He nodded as he took a look at his charts. "Finished already, Key."

 

"Everything has to be perfect! Double check everything." I said to all of the staffs. "And please, don't forget the dress rehearsal later."

 

I was about to go and rest for a while when suddenly, my assistant/best friend Choi Minho came running to me. "Kibum," he started, "..someone's on the phone asking for you."

 

My eyebrows arched as I asked, "Who is it?"

 

And my heart beat fast as he says, "Lee Jinki."

 

 

---

 

 

High school. 6 years ago.

 

 

I'm currently on my last year in high school. It's our first day of classes today and I am excited in meeting new people I could be friends with. My best friend, Choi Minho, looks at me from his seat on the first row with a sullen face. I bet it was because this is the first time the two of us are not sitting beside each other.

 

My mind suddenly thought of my new seatmate. What was his name again?

 

Ah, that's it. Lee Jinki, President of the School Choir.

 

I am actually nervous at the thought of sitting beside him, maybe because I heard from my classmates that he's the total opposite of me. I am loud and talkative while he prefers silence and stillness.

 

I bet it's going to be a difficult quarter. I was busy thinking over things when the chair beside me was pulled. And there was he was, with his neat uniform and smiles.

 

"Good morning, Kim Kibum. Let's be great friends."

 

And I decided that this may not be as difficult as I had first thought.

 

 

---

 

 

Present Time.

 

 

Being surprised was an understatement when I took his call. It's been years since I last heard from him. My hands were shaking as I struggle to hold the phone in place.

 

"H-hello?" I stuttered out.

 

"Hello. Kim Kibum?" he asks with his velvety voice. A voice that never fails to send chills on my spine.

 

I still don't want to believe that this is, in fact, Jinki on the line. "Yes, this is him. May I ask who is on the line?"

 

"Finally. This is Lee Jinki. You know, from high school?" 

 

Yes, I know. I still remember you. How could I even forget you? "Ahh, I remember. How may I help you Jinki-ssi?"

 

His melodic laughter was suddenly heard from the other line. "Very funny, Kibum. Jinki-ssi? Really?”

 

I laughed heartily with him. I feels a little weird at first, maybe because I never laughed this genuine before. "Hmm.. what should I call you? Ah! Old man!"

 

"Aww, meanie. That makes me want to be called Jinki-ssi instead. But anyways, want to meet up sometime?"

 

My ears perked at his invitation. A meet-up, huh? "You do know I'm a busy person, right?"

 

"I know. But still, come on Kibum, please?”

 

Who am I kidding? I want to see him. Scratch that. I'm dying to see him. "Okay okay. You set the date."

 

"Tomorrow? At 7pm. You're in charge of the place."

 

"Okay. There's a café I usually go to. I'll text you the address later. Don't even dare to be late."

 

A chuckle was heard and a short, "Okay…" I thought this will be the end of the conversation. But I was proven wrong. ”..And Kibum, I missed you."

 

"See you tomorrow, Jinki." I missed you too. So much that it hurts.

 

 

---

 

 

High school. 6 years ago.

 

 

Befriending Jinki isn't that difficult, to be honest. He may look cold and distant on the outside, but once you get to know him, he'll be this dorky guy that is fun to be friends with. There are times where you just want to hit his head in a joking way because of lame joke he cracked.

 

He's funny and talented. That's what I learned for the 3 months of sitting together during class.

 

I was busy working on a laboratory report when my phone notified an incoming message. I suddenly grabbed my phone on reflex and smiled upon knowing who the sender is.

 

Hi bby! ^^

 

My smiled turned wider as I typed in my reply. Hey jinx!

 

What are you doin'?

 

Lab report T-T you??

 

Thinking of you <3

 

Pffft save the jokes for later jinki

 

I could never joke about that, bby

 

Haha next joke pls ><

 

And so the report I was working on waited for another 3 hours as I texted Jinki.

 

At first, I thought Jinki was just joking about having feelings with me since we were close friends. Minho is actually the first one to notice the sudden closeness and weirdness Jinki gives off whenever he's with me. It's like something is off, he says. Then there comes Jinki's confirmation of the whole situation.

 

I like you, he confesses as we walked towards our next class.

 

After that, he isn't hiding the fact that he likes me. It was awkward at first, but I got used to it. In fact, most of our classmates knew and they took it upon themselves to tease us together. He also sends me a message or two every hour. Not like I didn't like it.

 

It's usually him asking me what am I doing or how did my day go and everything.

 

Some of my friends are weirded out by this gesture. I must've been out of ordinary to find the whole gesture cute. I replied to every message with enthusiasm so we always end up talking until the wee hours of night.

 

We got really close that Jinki could call me by an endearment only for couples. After all, I am the one who told him that I like his endearment for me when he first did. His voice sounds so deep and melodic and I couldn't help but like it.

 

It made me feel special. It made me feel loved.

 

Love? I don't even know what that is.

 

Even after all these months of talking everyday with Jinki, I am still afraid of being too attached. Maybe because of what happened before. Why would I want to get attached to a person when they will just leave in the end?

 

Why would I fall for someone if I got my heart broken the last time I did?

 

A familiar pain once again tugs in my heart as I remember that man, the man who first broke my heart.

 

Bby? Still there?

 

Still here jinx. I replied, silently enduring the pain in my heart.

 

 

---

 

 

Present Time.

 

 

I shiver as I pull my coat closer to my body. It's already winter and the chill is seeping through the fabric of my clothes. I suddenly regretted not watching the morning news earlier and wished that I wore more layers than a cotton shirt and a coat. And I just knew it was going to snow tonight.

 

 If I had known that it's going to be this cold, I would've rescheduled our meet up some other time. Or maybe use this as an excuse to reject his invitation.

 

But regrets always come at the end, a lesson I learned 5 years ago.

 

There was no point in wallowing in bitter thoughts. I had to walk in this weather to a café, 3 blocks away from my office. Thankfully, I got off from work really early so I could still prepare myself for this inevitable meet-up.

 

My thoughts suddenly wandered to the memories of him. Is he still the same? Did he get matured after graduating? Does he remember the memories we used to share?

 

Questions like this ran on my mind.

 

And before I knew it, I was already on the meeting spot.

 

 

---

 

 

High school. 6 years ago.

 

 

This goes on for a few more months. Talking with Jinki in person and on the phone became a part of my daily routine. A day without talking to him just makes me feel so empty. He was the ray of sunshine in my life. And the fact that he's really fun to talk to prolongs our daily conversations.

 

look how cute minnie looks like. (download attached picture)

 

you know, if you keep sending me taemin's pics, my gallery will be full of it by the end of the month.

 

but I know you like it :P

 

you know me so much it scares me

 

of course, I like you and I want to know you more

 

I guess you have to work hard on that

 

Yessir! kkkk

 

We had a wide range of topics day by day. From his younger brother, Taemin, to the personal problems I could only share with him. He didn't know how to soothe me with words. But the fact that he listens to my rants and ramblings is already enough to make me feel better. In the end, I realized that I just need someone who could listen.

 

He's there when I fought with Minho because I missed his Soccer Championship, 2 months ago. He's there whenever I feel pressured with exams and performance tasks. He's there when my grandmother died and I could barely function.

 

He was always a message away whenever I need him. He became a pillar of my strength.

 

As we continued to talk with each other every day, it came to the point that he really speaks out his feelings.

 

He began to tell me those three words that I stopped believing in.

 

I love you, bby! Sleep well :*, he texts me one night.

 

I could only reply with a half-hearted, I know. Good night jinx.

 

 

---

 

 

Present Time.

 

 

I took a seat at my usual table, just beside the shop's window. By this time, the snow began to fall down, painting the streets with a beautiful white. The city is crowded for a snowy night like this, I noticed as I looked at the outside from the window.

 

After all, chilly nights like these were ideal for dates, as it was deemed romantic.

 

I sighed as I take a look at the café, couples occupying the shop's tables. I felt lonelier than ever.

 

Sulli, the waitress on the café that became my friend, smiled and walked towards my direction. "Oppa! Fancy seeing you here. I thought you're busy?"

 

"I'm meeting someone. Mind giving me my usual?" I said with a smile.

 

She smiled once again and nodded. "Give me a few minutes, oppa."

 

"You're the best, Sulli."

 

She giggled as she went on serving other customers.

 

To be honest, the usual I ordered just now was a milk latte and it is Jinki's favorite drink. The addiction towards the drink started just after graduation of high school. As I was busy getting on with my new life overseas, I started remembering the memories we used to share. You know, I suddenly felt like holding onto something that'll somehow make me remember good memories.

 

Thus, I decided that I should just drink his favorite.

 

I never entered a relationship since high school. I've never even took interest in someone. I buried myself with school work back then to forget the pain. And by the time I graduated, I never did anything leisurely as I was busy building my reputation out there and escape the rookie designer status I am in.

 

There are a lot of things I should prioritize other than chasing after love.

 

I chuckled bitterly as I took a sip from my drink. I was still the Kim Kibum from high school that is bitter towards love. And that I was still hanging on the fact I got my heart broken, twice.

 

 

---

 

 

High school. 6 years ago.

 

 

"Kibum, can I ask you something?" Minho asked as he sits upright on my bed.

 

It was our usual bestfriend bonding time/sleepover, but Minho is being weird and it's freaking me out. These days, he keeps on giving me these weird looks and gives off this weird aura that scares the hell out of me.

 

"What is it, Keroro?" I asked, boredom evident on my tone.

 

His question was something I never saw coming.

 

"Do you like Jinki?" he asks, his eyes meeting mine. ".. you know, like like."

 

I suddenly laugh, trying to hide the truth that I am nervous. "Of course not. What makes you think so?"

 

"It's just that you act so weird with Jinki. And I swear that if I didn't know the both of you, I would've thought that you two are couples."

 

"I don't see him that way, Minho." I said, as a matter of fact. "He's just a friend. Kinda like you and me."

 

"Then," he paused for a while, pondering in his thoughts. "Don't you think you're using him?"

 

I was taken aback by his question. I have never once thought that I am using Jinki. It angered me, knowing my best friend thinks of me that way.

 

"I am not using Jinki. What's wrong with two friends hanging out and texting each other? You and I do that often." But even before Minho could reply, I cut him off by a loud "nothing".

 

"You know, you should just stop being this close to him, before things will get out of hand. You know it yourself that you are making him hope for something that's not going to happen. I'm just worried for the both of you."

 

I could only shrug in response, bade him good night and go to sleep.

 

That night, I dreamed of Jinki leaving me, and I was so afraid that I cried when I woke up.

 

After that sleep over, I ceased contacts between me and Jinki. Every text message and online chats were replied with nothing. I reasoned out to him and to myself that I was getting busy with my personal schedules and club activities. I often lock myself in my room and work on my design portfolios to take my mind off of him.

 

It was ironic that I was crying when I dreamed of him leaving me, when in reality, I was the one who left him.

 

One day I realized that what Minho said is right. I had to stop making him hope that there's a chance of being with me because honestly, there isn’t.

 

He's just my friend and nothing more.

 

Meeting him in school is inevitable. After all, he's my classmate. Thankfully, our class adviser re-arranged our seats and that I was seated beside Minho once again, 4 seats away from Jinki. There are times when I saw him look towards me, with eyes hoping to be noticed.

 

I'm not blind. I know what this means.

 

I made him assume that something could possibly happen between us. And I conclude that I am the worst person in the world.

 

 

---

 

 

Present Time.

 

 

Waiting for someone has never been this excruciating for me.

 

Usually, I am meeting the '91 line or a client for my designs. Meeting someone other than those was new to me.

 

The temperature continues to drop as night came. I guess I was too early for our meeting since it's still half past 6. I took another sip at my hot drink, hoping it would at least ease the coldness I feel. It's not actually cold inside the café. I think what I feel is a mixture of sadness, loneliness, regrets and the uneasy feeling of meeting him once again.

 

I thought that our high school graduation was the last time I would ever see or hear from him. After all these years of being away from Korea and being away from him, I thought I could start anew and leave all of those painful memories behind. But as I heard his voice on that phone call, I knew I'm screwed.

 

Lee Jinki still has that effect in me.

 

 

---

 

 

High school. 6 years ago.

 

 

It was 2 months before our high school graduation when a rumor began to spread.

 

Lee Jinki is now in a relationship with no other than Kim Jonghyun.

 

I just shrugged it off, thinking it was just plain silly. I still didn't believe anything. They were just baseless rumors intending to spice up our soon-to-be-departure from the school. But alas, fate isn't siding with me this time.

 

As I was walking towards our next class, I saw Jinki with Jonghyun just by his locker, smiling and kissing his cheek, an obvious confirmation to the whole thing.

 

The whole school cheered for them. And others, giving me pitiful looks.

 

I am lying if I said it didn't hurt. He was just mine a few months ago. Or is he really mine to begin with? After all, we did not have any relationship other than being close friends.

 

After that news about Jinki and Jonghyun's relationship, I could say that everything went downhill for me. My so-called beauty sleep was replaced by sleepless nights and endless crying. The luster I had once before was stripped away from me.

 

My life has lost its meaning.

 

"You okay, Kibum?" Minho asked one day. "You look like a walking zombie. Did you even sleep last night?"

 

I could barely thought of something in response. My body feels weak and my eyes are droopy from the lack of sleep. In times like this, I should've made a sarcastic remark and tell Minho to off and I'm too fabulous to be sick. But I just can't.

 

"Kibum. Are you okay? Do you want me to take you to the infirmary?"

 

I forced myself to speak and I could only mumble a soft, "No, thank you."

 

I knew I was staggering and my head is aching too much that I thought I'm gonna die. But the view in front of me was the last straw for me to collapse.

 

I must be the most unfortunate person in the world to witness Lee Jinki smile, the way he used to smile at me, towards Kim Jonghyun, their hands entwined with each other.

 

The last thing I could hear is Minho's panic shouts for help and the sound of my heart breaking before the darkness began to embrace me.

 

 

---

 

 

Present Time.

 

 

I chuckled as that scene replayed in my mind.

 

That day was the day I realized that maybe Jinki and I weren't really meant to be. If we were, we wouldn't be in that situation back then. We would've been happy with each other. I would've stayed with him here in Korea. I wouldn't have run away from him, from this pain.

 

I remember that with that thought in mind, I began to study day and night just to meet the requirements of the University I attended in Japan. I began to work hard so that I could just leave this godforsaken place.

 

If I knew that I would be falling in love with Lee Jinki before, I wouldn't have hurt him by cutting off our contact with each other. I would've told him to wait just a little bit longer so that I could organize my feelings.

 

Pointless regrets keeps on eating me alive.

 

Then suddenly, I remembered the conversation that took place between Minho and I last night.

 

"You know I heard from Lee Joon that Jinki and Jonghyun broke it up the day after we left for Japan. And that he has been single ever since."

 

I looked at Minho's face, as if trying to see if he was joking. The news of us leaving for Japan spread like a wildfire just a day after we did. That means there's a big possibility Jinki broke it off with Jonghyun when he knew.

 

I tried to shake off the preposterous idea forming on my head. "That doesn't mean I have a chance with him, don't you think?"

 

"But you would want to at least try."

 

I just shrugged my shoulders, not knowing how to properly reply.

 

And the reality hits me that after all these years, I am still in love with him.

 

 

---

 

 

High school. 6 years ago.

 

 

I didn't know if I should be happy or sad the moment the acceptance letter from the university I wanted to go to arrived. Should I be happy that I was accepted and that I could leave this place for a few years? Or should I be sad that I am leaving just because I was a coward who doesn't accept his defeat?

 

I didn't tell a single soul about my plans for college. And by the time came where I had to announce to them that I am going to Japan for college, I got mixed reactions from my family and friends knowing that I applied for it without anyone knowing.

 

My family was shocked at first. The idea of me being alone in a foreign country makes them worry. But I'm not scared. I need to learn how to live alone because I don't want to burden them my whole life. And after the initial shock, they hugged me and told me to go out there and make them proud.

 

My friends, aka Minho and the '91 line, just smiled and told me that they were kind of expecting this move from me when things got out of hand in my personal life. I am thankful that they didn't judge me for my irrational solution towards my problems. But I knew they wished I would've handled the situation maturely.

 

One thing I never expected is when Minho applied in the same university as me, claiming that we were best friends and that I could use some company in the dorms. I think this is just his indirect way of telling me that he will always be there to protect me.

 

The day of our graduation went by and the next thing we knew, we are packing our luggage for a few years of studying in Japan.

 

"Aren't you gonna say anything or at least a goodbye to Jinki?" Minho asked, zipping up his last luggage. "You know he deserves to know that you are leaving."

 

I scoffed as I placed neatly-folded tops on the bag. "Oh please. He doesn't need to know. In fact I bet he's having a late night conversation with his boyfriend right now."

 

"But Kibum-"

 

"No, don't 'but Kibum' me. We still have a lot to do so let's drop this conversation."

 

"You like him, don't you?" It wasn't a question by the way he said it. Every word in his statement hits me like hard bricks.

 

"It's doesn't matter. And it will never will. He has someone now and that someone isn't me." My voice cracked at the last sentence so I had to regain my composure. "So please, can we just go back to preparing our things. We have an early flight tomorrow and we also need a lot of sleep."

 

He nodded and began to check everything he packed. I continued on arranging my things for our journey towards a new start tomorrow, barely noticing the notification that someone messaged me. In the wee hours of night.

 

I hope you'll always be happy. It says.

 

I feel tears prickling my eyes as I left the message unreplied and sat on the floor, silently letting them out. My breath hitched as I keep on crying and crying. A familiar pain tugs in my heart.

 

I'm sorry, Jinki. I love you. My heart screams.

 

Forget him. My mind says.

 

And with that I quickly wiped the tears from my eyes and finished whatever it is that I am doing.

 

I'm sorry, my heart. I'm doing what my mind says. And I could feel it break a little more.

 

 

---

 

 

Present Time.

 

 

It's already 7 and Jinki will probably arrive any minute now. I knew because that old man doesn't have the habit to be late for an appointment or, in our case, a meet-up. My fingers began to fidget by itself as the bell by door rang, signaling the entrance of a person.

 

As expected, Lee Jinki is here.

 

My eyes stare at the perfection walking towards me. His every move feels like so light and graceful that I could marvel at the sight.

 

He aged well throughout the years. His eyes are still giving off this certain sense of happiness and innocence back in high school. His physique was surprisingly healthy and I couldn't help but wonder if he worked out seeing how glorious his arms and thighs are. And thank God in heaven that this guy knows how to wear the right clothes that flaunt his awesome body.

 

I feel a sudden embarrassment with what I just thought and blushed crimson red.

 

Did I just checked him out?

 

The sound of the chair being pulled was enough to pull me out of my trance.

 

"Hi Kibum. It's been awhile."

 

Oh god, I could drown in his velvety voice. "Hi Jinki. How have you been?"

 

"I'm happy. You?"

 

And just on cue, Sulli came with a menu, obviously waiting for his order since I haven't finished mine yet. His answer somehow made me curious. And my mind is wandering to the possibility of him being in a relationship right now, which contradicts the thing I heard from Minho.

 

In the end, he ordered the same thing as mine, saying it was still his favorite.

 

"So.." he started. "how are you after all these years?"

 

"You know, working nonstop to make myself known out there." I chuckled nervously as I took a sip of my now-cold drink.

 

"It must be hard for you. But I see that your efforts are already paying off."

 

"Yeah. Being in the Seoul Fashion Week is like the biggest honor I had in my career." I said. "How about you? I heard you became a doctor from Joon."

 

"Tsk, that guy really knows nothing other than to gossip." he mumbled, which I found cute. "But anyways, yes. I am a doctor at Seoul University Hospital right now in the pediatrics department."

 

"Wow. You and children? What on earth did I miss all these years?" I asked and our conversation began to widen out from our careers to our personal lives.

 

I learned that what Joon said to Minho is true. He is indeed single right now. And it give me a tiny spark of hope that maybe, just maybe, this time we could work it out together.

 

"How about you? I'm pretty sure you're in a relationship by now." He said.

 

I nervously chuckled. "Actually, I'm still single."

 

"You? Single? Are you joking me, Kibum?" he laughs heartily as I shake my head.

 

"It's true! You could even ask Minho. That frog has been with me when I left for college. You know, we went to the same one in Japan."

 

"I see that no one could still handle your divaness." he continues to laugh and I couldn't help but join him too.

 

We probably look like a bunch of idiots laughing till our stomachs hurt. And in a way, the atmosphere brought me back to the time when we were in high school. It made me happy as we continued talking about things I had missed since I left.

 

Time flows by and it was already time to go.

 

He offered to walk me home, saying that he doesn't have anything to do anyway. It's not like I could reject his offer. I still know just how persistent he can be in things like this.

 

A comfortable silence hangs in the air with constant conversations about trivial things here and there. Before I knew it, we were already in front of my apartment.

 

"I guess this is it." he says as he scratched his nape, "I guess I'll see you around. Bye, Kibum." and he turns away.

 

My hands acted on instinct and pulled the sleeves of his coat. I couldn't back out right now. I have to tell him everything especially the reasons why I had to leave.

 

This might be my last and only chance.

 

"J-jinki.." do you still like me? "do you wanna go inside?"

 

He smiles as he holds my hand. "I thought you'd never ask." he brings my hands closer to his lips, kissing them with so much affection. "Just to keep you updated, I still like you." He stops for a second before continuing, "And I want to ask if I had chance with you this time."

 

Tears must've fell out of instinct when I felt his soft lips kissing them away. "Let's stop it here, Kibum. We should stop running away. Let's continue the thing that we should have done before." He cupped my face with his hands and smiled, "We have to face it that this time, we are meant to be together."

 

I instantly knew he was right when he said those things. I should stop running away from him and from what we could be. This time, there are no worries and fears that can stop us. There is just him and me. And with him, I could finally believe again.

 

"I love you, Jinki." The words feel so foreign yet so right in coming out of my lips. He began to inch his face closer to mine and the proximity allows me to feel his breath against my skin.

 

"I love you too, Kibum. More than you'll ever know." He says and closes the gap between us.

 

For all these years I only knew how to dream and wonder what it feels like to kiss him, to kiss the one you like. The cold weather was forgotten as his soft lips move against mine.

 

It was a perfect first kiss. And when we pulled away from each other, we were both filled with a certain bubbly feeling. Is this what they say butterflies in the stomach? Because I'm pretty sure this is it.

 

With a smile on my face, I led him inside. Now this cold, one-bedroom apartment feels more like home.

 

 

---

 

A/N: Happy birthday to my love, Lee Jinki! #26YearsOfOnew