Ilhoon often lies on his bed after a long day of training, fresh from the shower and ready to close his eyes and drift off to dreamland, but instead he ends up staring up at the ceiling nowadays, looking to the side only to find the beds empty, actually, all the beds are empty, with the exception of Eunkwang's, the leader is usually tired after a busy day and today he ate whatever he saw in front of him and left the rest to do as they please - Ilhoon skipped dinner.

He can hear the boys chatting in the living room, some even have the energy to turn the television and the videogame on and play something, he recognizes the screams because someone lost or won, he may be the second youngest, but he's tired and, as much as he enjoys playing games as well, he'd rather use the spare time he has to rest.

There's laughter and Sungjae laughing and shouting Minhyuk, stop!, there's also Ilhoon turning and covering his ears to tell himself that he's not ing jealous because he's not the one Sungjae's giving attention to.

No, that's not it, he kicks the covers away, hiding his face on the pillow and breathing the cotton.

He hears more laughter and he curses at whoever is making all this noise, he wants to sleep, that's all he wants.



 

The next day, when Hyunsik asks him why he has such dark eye bags - because he was almost the first to go to sleep the previous day - Ilhoon remains silent, drinking a glass of cold milk, pretending that he didn't hear the question and waiting for Hyunsik to leave the kitchen and leave him alone, morning is not his favorite part of the day.

When Minhyuk enters the place right after Hyunsik had finally left, Ilhoon almost spits the milk back into the glass, the elder is smiling way too much and he's not liking it at all - or maybe he's just grumpy because Minhyuk is the source of yesterday's laughter and loud voices that kept him awake for so long.

He turns to the sink and swallows the remaining milk in the glass, taking a piece of bread from the table and leaving, brushing against Minhyuk's shoulder, because the place is too small, and bumping on Sungjae on his way to the bathroom.

"Why are you entering the bathroom with a piece of bread in you mouth?" Sungjae jokes and Ilhoon slams the door shut without a word. Sungjae raises a brow, but leaves it at it, entering the kitchen and greeting Changsub who's spreading strawberry jam in a piece of toast and taking a bite.

"How much time we have until we need to leave for practice, hyung?" Sungjae asks, mouth full of the same bread Ilhoon got.

"Around thirty minutes? I think?" says Changsub who's distracted by the jam that ended up on his hand.

"Do you know why Ilhoon hyung looks so moody?" Sungjae asks, not bothering to keep his voice low and Changsub's reply is a shrug. "He should be happy at this time of the day, like Hyunsik hyung or Minhyuk hyung or like you when staring at jam."

Ilhoon eavesdrops the whole conversation.



 

“I’m not moody.” Ilhoon crosses his arms and huffs, he’s already inside the van, actually, he’s the only one inside it right now. Despite him being tired since the moment he opened his eyes this morning, he was still faster than the rest, Eunkwang is just not here because he has to make sure that all of them are ready in time, which mainly means that if nobody is there to rush them, they’ll take their sweet time and they’ll be late for practice. They’re not rookies anymore, but they keep on doing the same things of years ago, it’s like they never learn and Ilhoon just feels like not caring anymore, but then, he’ll be giving a hard time to their leader who has always been trying his best to make things perfect for the group - even if he’s quite clumsy most of the time.

Right now, Ilhoon just uses the extra time he got to lean against the window and close his eyes, try to get some sleep while the boys don’t come.

He feels himself being pushed against the window and that’s when he notices that he fell asleep for too long, the van is already moving and someone’s by his side.

“Thought it’d be better to let you sleep,” Sungjae beams at him and Ilhoon turns back to the window, leaving Sungjae talking to himself. “Did I do something wrong?” his voice comes out as a whisper and Ilhoon just fists the fabric of his bag and closes his eyes again.

After that, he doesn’t hear Sungjae anymore.



 

Dance practice is the only time that Ilhoon sees Sungjae, he doesn’t take vocal classes, at least not the same ones as him - he spends his day sharing schedules with Minhyuk -, it’s great and horrible at the same time, to think about how they used to be great friends back to when they were still trainees and now they can’t have a proper conversation without him being overall angry or upset, that’s at least Ilhoon.

The blame is on me, Ilhoon reminds himself everytime he thinks something like this.

“Find a partner for the warm up.” the dance instructor claps his hands and walks towards the stereo.

“Ilhoon hyung,” Sungjae waves from the other side of the room. “Do you want-”

“Eunkwang hyung, please be my partner.” Ilhoon yanks the leader by the arm and walks up to some corner of the room where he can’t sight Sungjae or whoever is now his partner.

“Are you feeling okay?” Eunkwang asks raising a hand and placing it on Ilhoon’s forehead. “You’re acting so weird nowadays.”

“I’m okay,” Ilhoon takes Eunkwang’s hand away from his face and sighs. “It’s just,” his eyes travel to Sungjae, but they’re soon back to the wooden floors of the room. “Nothing, really.”

“Teenagers,” Eunkwang mutters to himself and pats Ilhoon’s head before he pushes him to the ground, Ilhoon stares up at him with wide eyes. “Warm ups, warm ups.”

Eunkwang looks around before putting the palm of his hands on Ilhoon’s back and pushing him, he almost snorts and when Ilhoon turns to ask him what’s so funny, he shushes him.

Sungjae’s staring at them from afar.



 

When they’re back home, Ilhoon is drop dead tired once again, his legs feel weak and he ends up leaning against someone on his way into the house - who ended up being Hyunsik - and going straight to the bathroom to shower and go to bed, he considers eating something before though, yesterday he skipped dinner in order to attempt to sleep, but ended up awake the majority of the time.

The shower gets him relaxed, at least a little, and he walks out of the bathroom wearing a clean set of clothes and his towel around his neck, hair damp against his forehead as he tries to get it away from his face, Ilhoon enters the kitchen to Eunkwang cooking something for dinner and Minhyuk watching closely and handing him whatever he needs.

“You’re going to eat something tonight, right?” Minhyuk says with both hands on his hips, nearing Ilhoon with clumsy steps while he tries to be funny imitating a penguin - it isn’t funny. “You’re getting thinner, this is not good,” he slaps Ilhoon’s stomach and Ilhoon gasps at the sudden attack, it didn’t actually hurt, he just got caught off guard, he glares at Minhyuk, but Minhyuk only smiles at him. “Hyung is making spicy chicken,” Minhyuk says shaking his arm and taking Ilhoon’s hand when the boy remains quiet and immobile due to his previous actions. “Eat with us, huh? Take a seat there with the boys, we’re almost done here.”

And with a push, Ilhoon is kicked out of the kitchen, but the place is so small that after one step he’s already in the living room - if you consider that there are no walls separating both rooms.

“We?” Eunkwang questions Minhyuk when Ilhoon lazily makes his way to the couch, throwing the wet towel on top of some chair, and only to realize that there’s no free seat, Changsub and Donggeun are all over it. He considers just going to sleep without dinner, but he knows that he’ll have to listen Eunkwang and Minhyuk nagging at him about his health and everything else, so he makes an effort and sits on the floor.

He stares at the television, the boys are watching some random movie, he then stares at his surroundings, the place is a mess, Minhyuk needs to organize all of his skincare and beauty products, since his take the majority of the space, then there’s a cds collection scattered just beside the couch, they must be Changsub’s, but also Hyunsik’s, anytime soon someone’s gonna stomp on them and make the owner upset, Ilhoon doesn’t want to be near when it happens.

The door for the bathroom opens at the same moment something explodes in the movie, Ilhoon pays to the movie instead of the person that’s making his way towards him, but who ends up turning and entering the place that is known as the kitchen, looking over the stove and Eunkwang calls them, dinner is ready.

When Ilhoon gets up, he looks directly to the source of Eunkwang’s voice and makes eye contact with Sungjae, who’s leaning against the sink, he turns his face and pretends that he’s paying attention to what Changsub and Donggeun are talking about, but that’s a blatant lie, because he ends up staring at the wall while the boys keep on walking to the table that’s set for the ones who are fast enough.

Since Ilhoon spaced out, he ends up losing the possible seat at the table, but he’s so used to eating while sitting on the couch that this isn’t a bother.

What’s a bother is that Sungjae is sat there and so is Donggeun and they’re a little too close and Ilhoon is amazed at how he can see this from where he is, still inside the kitchen, placing the amount of rice that he wants on his plate and grabbing a glass of water, he walks looking at the food instead of what’s ahead of him, he’ll have to face it once he reaches his so called destination, also known as one of the free seats.

“I don’t understand why we’re always the ones that sit on the couch, while all of them use the table.” Donggeun asks loudly, earning a glare from Eunkwang.

“That’s because they’re the elders and we need to respect them,” Sungjae says and Eunkwang goes back to his food. “And I’m quite sure that if they sit on the couch to have a meal, their backs will start to hurt, you know, they’re getting old at each day.”

This time Minhyuk presses his lips in a firm line, but shoves rice and chicken into his mouth so he won’t say anything. Ilhoon sits next to Donggeun, it’s the only place he can take anyway.

He eats slowly, hoping that the boys next to him will be done soon, they’re usually the first ones to finish cleaning the plate and leaving to sleep, but it seems like today they’re being incredible slow, Ilhoon doesn’t approve of their inconscient decision of making him annoyed.

He’s the one that finishes eating first instead, rushing away from the living room, washing what he used and thanking Eunkwang and Minhyuk for dinner, if they wouldn’t leave first so Ilhoon could enjoy his meal alone in the couch, then he’s going to be the one to do so, so he can enjoy his time alone and in silence in the room and hope that he’ll fall asleep before everyone else decides to sleep too, they have the habit of lazing around in front of the television after meals, so he supposes he’s safe by now.



 

Ilhoon dreams of cute cuddly puppies nuzzling on his neck and breathing their canine breath on his face, but when he wakes up, he jumps and then, there’s the sound of something hitting the ceiling and someone writhing in pain, the breathing on his face may or may not have happened in reality, that’s one of the reasons to why he doesn’t like what he sees right in front of him, at all.

“What are you doing on this bunk? Sungjae, yours is the other one, get off me.” he hisses, but there’s no response, Sungjae doesn’t move or say anything, Ilhoon fumes like someone just stomped on his newly bought pair of sunglasses. “It’s God knows what time in the midnight, just get the away from me and go to sleep.”

“Stop cursing,” Sungjae whispers at him and if Sungjae could see in the dark, he would watch as Ilhoon rolls his eyes at him, because he doesn’t reply his question, but he tells him what to do. “Maybe I can’t sleep,” Ilhoon curses some more and tries to force Sungjae out of his bed. “Or maybe I want to talk to you.”

“No,” Ilhoon mutters under his breath, he doesn’t want to talk right now, he doesn’t know what Sungjae means with the I want to talk to you and he doesn’t want to discover it, not now - not now -, after he finally fell asleep peacefully, the one that has been causing him headache and overthinking wants to talk, joke’s on you. “Hell no. Maybe some other day.”

He doesn’t try to push Sungjae away anymore, Ilhoon just turns to the wall and closes his eyes, hoping that Sungjae is going to catch the message and leave him alone.

If Ilhoon could see in the dark, he would notice Sungjae’s hurt expression when he leaves his bed and climbs up to his that’s right next to Ilhoon’s.

But Ilhoon’s too busy trying to forget how Sungjae’s face was too close to his, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to have any kind of conversation with Sungjae with his current condition of  off, I’m annoyed at you and everything else regarding your existence, he doesn’t want to think about the way his heart felt like exploding when he noticed Sungjae was the one bothering his sleep.

Right now, Ilhoon doesn’t want a ton of things, but this doesn’t mean that his heart is going to stop beating like this so soon, he can still feel the lingering of Sungjae’s breath against his skin and the scent of his shampoo in the air.



 

Ilhoon thanks the heavens that he managed to fall asleep even after what happened in the middle of the night, he’d be even more restless today and that’s one of the last things he wants to happen, especially because they actually have some important schedule to follow, that’s why they’re inside the van and heading to the airport, he’s not actually happy about the flight part, but they do have to go to Singapore, since they confirmed presence at the event and all - more like the company did, but he’s not going to complain because that’s part of their job.

He still remembers the first time they were there, he remembers how he was at ease, different from now, cautious to whatever might happen and observing everything regarding that-one-that-he-doesn’t-want-to-think-about. He’s hoping to free his mind from all this weight, at least a little, be lighthearted just if for a mere millisecond.

When he turns to the side, he sees Eunkwang telling something to Sungjae, and when Sungjae turns to call Minhyuk to ask him something, Ilhoon notices the dark marks under his eyes, someone didn’t have a good night of sleep.

Ilhoon is not worried, he swears he isn’t. He turns back to stare out of the window, they’re already arriving at the airport, he hopes that this weird feeling on his stomach goes away, he doesn’t want to get motion sickness inside the plane.

They leave the van and the walk to the check-in booth is a rushed mess, the fans are gathering around them as usual and he doesn’t want to get one of those headaches once again because of the camera flashes, he ends up staring at the ground and smiling, the fans are the reason they’re here, he can’t mistreat them, ever, besides, they’re nothing but nice to all of them, might as well pay it with a big smile.

They walk together to the gate and Ilhoon notices how Sungjae runs to stay by his side, the kid knows that he can’t push him away, not here, in front of everybody, so he stands close and Ilhoon tries to surreptitiously get far from him slowly, but Sungjae doesn’t look like he’s going to give up too soon, he keeps on following his steps, if he goes one step to the left, he goes one step to the left, if he slows down, Sungjae slows down too. It’s nerve wrecking and Ilhoon is quite sure that if nobody was looking, he’d push Sungjae and make a run for it.

He can’t do that though, Ilhoon deals with his urge to scream and show that he’s upset by talking to whoever is by his side, Eunkwang again. The leader is used to the members randomly coming up to him to ask him things or just tell him something, that’s what he does.

And once again, Sungjae looks dejected, but then, he probably remembers that they’re in public and forms a smile, trying to not look affected.



 

The flight was delayed and the event is on the same day they arrive, unfortunately, which means that they entered a van, dropped their belongings in one hotel room and rushed to the place they’re supposed to be. They’ll decide who’s going to share a room with who once they’re back.

It feels like a competition, when they get there, everybody is running from side to side, Ilhoon sights VIXX and he laughs, he didn’t know they’d be here too, but then, he’s not laughing anymore, he knows that he shouldn’t be jealous of any of them, especially Sanghyuk who’s Sungjae’s high school friend, but he never learns, he turns his face and sits down on a free chair that’s lying around, it’s also Sungjae’s fault for being so touchy with everybody.

“If you keep staring at them like this,” a soft low voice says from his side, “It’ll look like you’re hoping that they’ll be set on fire.”

Ilhoon scoffs, he didn’t notice that Taekwoon was sat beside the chair he took, he was too busy focusing on getting jealous.

“Hello,” he greets, putting on a smile. “Long time no see, how are things going?”

“I’d say that better than things are going for you,” Taekwoon’s words hold no malice, but regardless, they still hit Ilhoon where it hurts and he retreats his arms close to his chest and looks away. “I’m sorry, I-I didn’t mean to be too harsh, that’s all I could observe in the short span of time since you guys arrived and met the rest.”

“No, it’s ok,” Ilhoon shakes his head and sighs. “I know, I know, it’s just-”

“Hard?”

“Yes, it’s hard.” Ilhoon agrees and Taekwoon hums, suddenly getting up, dusting his pants out of habit and extending a hand to Ilhoon.

“I got to go,” Taekwoon whispers as he watches Hakyeon urging everybody to go to the dressing room, pushing Sanghyuk and Hongbin to go faster while Jaehwan’s still talking to Hyunsik, Ilhoon gets why he’s so worried, if he doesn’t start making his way to the dressing rooms like Hakyeon is telling them to, he might come force Taekwoon to go there with his own hands. “I don’t,” Taekwoon pauses and hides a smile behind his free hand. “I don’t bite.”

With a light laugh, Ilhoon takes his hand to gets up and when he does, he looks to the side, his eyes going on automatic and searching for Sungjae. Taekwoon nears him.

“It’s quite obvious,” he whispers and Ilhoon sighs, he’s always so transparent when he’s with Taekwoon, it’s ridiculous. “And I’m not talking about your infatuation with Sungjae, I noticed it back to our Diary days,” Ilhoon notices how Taekwoon is a whispers away from him, he knows that this is something that he wouldn’t want others to hear, so Taekwoon does his best to say it as low as possible, so only Ilhoon would hear. “I’m talking about how I can easily notice how you’re feeling distressed, the way you’re constantly squeezing your hands together and your lips repeatedly, not to count your eyes travelling nervously everywhere and nowhere at the same time.”

“You make it sound poetic,” Ilhoon laughs, hands shaking and he shoves them inside the pocket of his hoodie, the flashbacks of the times when they were all together and happy, not worrying too much about anything, except Taekwoon, Taekwoon always had the quiet and thoughtful face out of all of them. “When it’s actually only pain.”

He receives a pat and gets the message Taekwoon’s trying to pass to him, he runs a hand through his hair and nods.

“Yes, I get it, thanks for helping me, for trying to help me, I’ll try to make your words worth it, that’s the longest I’ve ever hear you talk, better make good use of it.” the corners of Taekwoon’s lips twitch and Ilhoon interprets it as a smile, at least an attempt to smile, it’s enough, it shows him that someone cares for him and that he has to do his best to not throw everything away.

“Believe in you.” Taekwoon whispers at him before turning his back and walking away to an angry-looking Hakyeon.

Yes, okay, Ilhoon needs to make a move, or things will get weirder and even more awkward between them, weren’t him and Sungjae good friends back to their trainee days? He needs to get those days back, at least a little, he doesn’t want to live in this situation anymore.



 

Ilhoon was distracted, his mind was floating somewhere else, he screwed up when they were on stage, he didn’t believe himself when he didn’t start his lines like the usual, he only noticed it when Minhyuk stepped up and did it for him, so the hole of him not doing his part wouldn’t be noticed, but truth be told, everybody noticed, especially the fans that looked at him with nothing, but pity.

To make things better, Sungjae’s voice cracked and when it happened, Ilhoon tripped over a few wires that were at the back, now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t evenknow why he went all the way to the back, when he hit the stage, his microphone made a sound, those horrible sounds they do when they’re dropped and not to count that his clothes got a little dirty. Ilhoon had to pretend it didn’t happen.

It’s because of this, and possibly more, that when they set foot inside the hotel room, exhausted from the activities, Eunkwang pokes his sides and whispers to his ear, I need to talk to you.

“Just wait a little, so we can decide the rooming when we get back, it’s quick.” Eunkwang tells the boys who grunt and lie around the floor, too tired to even complain.

Eunkwang holds him by the arm and Ilhoon notices Sungjae turning his neck to take a better look at them, but so does Minhyuk, meaning that that’s not something he needs to be too alarmed about.

The leader closes the door and Ilhoon gulps, he knows he’s going to be scolded for being so careless earlier, he knows it’s his fault, he’s going to beg for forgiveness, even if it isn’t his thing, he knows he was bad and he could’ve ruined everything if Minhyuk didn’t help him out.

“Look,” Eunkwang starts and Ilhoon looks at him with almost wet eyes, it’s his fault that things are not going well, he’s ruining the mood and possibly others’ day. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m not crying,” he sniffs and taps under his eyes with the pads of his fingers, Eunkwang looks like he might start panicking anytime. “Don’t worry, I-I thought about my parents, that’s all.”

“I’m going to believe you this time,” he says biting his nails and Ilhoon nods. “Let’s be faster, the boys are going to get mad, I just wanted to ask you if everything’s okay? You look like something’s bothering you for the past days,” Eunkwang stops talking and tilts his head, tapping his foot against the carpet and Ilhoon would kick his leg if he wasn’t an elder and if he wasn’t being nice and concerned about him. “Actually, for the past months, now that I stop to think about it, now it’s just more evident. Do you need help to solve something? I can help!”

“No, I can solve it myself,” Ilhoon gives the leader a tap on the shoulder and motions for them to enter the room again. “I plan on fixing a few things during this trip.”

“We’re leaving tomorrow.” turning the knob, Eunkwang points the fact out.

“That’s enough time.”

With one of his signature eye smiles, Eunkwang goes back into the room with Ilhoon following behind.

Changsub looks up at them from the carpet and almost shouts in happiness, because he’s finally going to take his shower.



 

“I’m going to get some air,” Ilhoon tells Minhyuk, the one who ended up sharing the room with him, when he receives a nod, he gets up from bed, Minhyuk doesn’t say much, he's distracted reading a book. “I won’t be back too late.”

He grabs one of his caps and puts it on, his hair is finally dry and he doesn’t want it to get messy, nor does he want to be recognized by someone. He takes a stroll around the corridors, trying to remember where Sungjae’s at, as far as he remembers, he’s sharing the room with Donggeun, he makes his way to the room at the end of the floor.

Knocking on the door, he waits for a response, Ilhoon hears footsteps, signalizing that someone’s going to answer the door soon.

“Goodnight?” he hears Donggeun saying before opening it fully. “Oh, it’s you? Did something happen?”

“I’m going to go straight to business, is Sungjae here?” Ilhoon says like he’s in a rush - but maybe he is.

“Ahhm? Sungjae? I think he just left, I was showering and when I came out of the bathroom he wasn’t here anymore.” Ilhoon bids Donggeun goodbye and goodnight as soon as he finishes speaking, running away from the doorstep of the room and leaving him behind, dumbfounded.

Ilhoon tries to not be loud with his steps, he knows he’s in a rush, he also knows that Sungjae is not going anywhere, but the heaviness inside his chest makes it hard to breathe, he wants to take it out of it as soon as he can and if he can make it right here, right now, he’s going to do it, he’d been holding it for too long.

He runs past the fancy restaurant the hotel has, he went down to the ground floor, looking everywhere he thinks that Sungjae might be - passing by the pool, he’s not there, running around the playroom, he’s not there too.

He stops and holds his head between his hands, leaning against the wall and taking a deep breath, staring at his feet and thinking, thinking and thinking.

Maybe he should try the higher floors.

He presses the button for the elevator, he starts to hit it continuously, it’s taking too long to arrive, he notices the receptionist glaring at him from her table, he stops what he’s doing and runs to the emergency stairs, the hotel is not that tall after all, only six floors, it won’t kill to make some exercise.

Pulling the doors open and pressing the light button, Ilhoon makes a fast, careful and silent run to the rooftop, where he’s quite sure that there’s a small garden and a few benches.

When he’s about to take the last turn and the remaining ladders that lead to the rooftop, Ilhoon sees someone’s feet, holding his breath, he leans against the handrail and lowers himself to not be caught, he retreats his steps a little and takes another deep breath before trying to peek at who’s there.

His senses tell him that it’s Sungjae, and he’s not even the slightest wrong, it’s Sungjae, with his glorious jet black hair - almost untouched since debut, if you take out the time it got dyed platinum gray -, Ilhoon takes a few more deep breaths, it’s not time to hyperventilate.

“Is someone there?” Sungjae’s voice echoes through the place, bouncing against the walls and making Ilhoon shiver,  -. “Ilhoon hyung?”

Ilhoon looks up, he’s still leaning against the handrail, his hand is up to his chest and the other one is trying to hold him still, Sungjae’s staring down at him, not sat on one of the steps anymore, Ilhoon got so distracted fighting with his own thoughts that he didn’t hear him moving.

“Are you,” Sungjae stares into his eyes and breathes through his mouth, Ilhoon watches as his chest moves and his breath comes out shakily. “Are you alright?”

“Can we go outside?” Ilhoon climbs up the remaining steps, so he’ right in front of Sungjae now. “I’m starting to get claustrophobic just by standing here.”

Sungjae doesn’t say anything, he just turns and makes his way to the door, pushing it open and waiting for Ilhoon to pass by it, so he can let it go.

The first thing that Ilhoon notices is that he should’ve brought a coat with him, because the goddamn air is cold and he shivers as soon as he sees himself outside the building, staring at one of the flower beds filled with just grass, maybe it was supposed to be a flower, but since winter is nearing, he supposes they’re not blooming this month, or the next.

“Is there something that matter for you to come all the way up the stairs randomly and stand there without making any sound?” Sungjae’s the first to say anything while Ilhoon is still complaining to himself about the weather.

“I don’t know-”

“You don’t know?”

“Alright, I do know, but-”

“If you’re going to keep adding buts and more buts, I’m going to leave,” Sungjae cuts Ilhoon’s words. “Just say what you have to say, I think I’m old enough to handle it by myself. You don’t need to pity me, after all, you pushed me away the other day”

Ilhoon thinks he imagines the last words, but Sungjae’s voice is filled with something Ilhoon knows too well. He doesn’t pity Sungjae, he’s pitying himself.

Sungjae holds an impassive expression, sitting at the edge of the flower bed and Ilhoon’s starting to feel uncomfortable, debating with himself if he should really talk to him about this or just let it be, but he promised Eunkwang that he’d fix everything until they leave tomorrow, there’s no other chance for him to do it, only now.

“I’m sorry, I know it’s hard to say a few things,” Sungjae casually speaks. “I’m just going to let you and your thoughts alone, goodnight.”

And he gets up, walking away and leaving Ilhoon alone.

Ihoon presses his fists tightly, feeling his nails sinking into the palm of his hands, not hard enough to make himself bleed, but to get him to wake up, to wake up and do something. He just keeps on losing and losing his chances, if he doesn’t do anything, it’s not just a chance that he’s going to lose.

It only hits him when the door shuts close, the loud sound bringing life to his actions, Ilhoon stumbles because of the sudden movement of his feet, running until he hits the door, turning the knob and going down so quick that he doesn’t even have time to process his next actions.

He catches up with Sungjae right when he’s about to open the door to the floor their rooms are located, but he jumps in front of him, stopping the boy from opening it and leaving him behind once again.

“...excuse me,” Sungjae tentatively says after a minute. “You’re in front of me, I want to go to sleep.”

“I’m sorry,” Ilhoon blurts out and Sungjae crosses his arms and raises his brows, pressing his lips into a firm line. “I’m sorry for being like this, it’s just that you’re the maknae and everybody is supposed to love you and spoil you and you’re just too receptive to what the hyungs and everyone else do to you, you’re nice and welcoming and you hug and kiss everybody and you know I’m selfish, you remember the time Donggeun borrowed one of my caps and I didn’t talk to him for a week.”

“If you’re trying to tell me something, be direct.” Sungjae taps his foot against the hard floor and Ilhoon swallows his pride.

“I don’t like when you give all of your attention to the others, as much as I treasure them as friends or bandmates, I’m still so damn selfish, do you want me to list it? I don’t like when they get too close, when you get too close, when they hug you for too long, when you hug them for too long,” Ilhoon starts counting it on his fingers. “When you whisper something on each other ears, when you look for too long at someone, when someone looks for too long at you, if the person is not me, I’m quite sure I’m going to retaliate until the end of the world, I just hate, hate, hate so much, you don’t understand.”

“Don’t worry, I do,” Sungjae replies with his hands on the pocket of his jeans, nearing Ilhoon inch by inch, his eyes focused on his face and Ilhoon’s feeling smaller than he is, at each step Sungjae takes, he feels the air getting caught in his throat and his head spinning. “Ohh I know too well,” he whispers and Ilhoon gulps, feeling the heat from Sungjae’s body almost against his, he takes a step back and hits his head on the door, he hisses. “You’re a little too close to Eunkwang hyung and Hyunsik hyung, you know.” Sungjae snorts. “That day when I climbed up your bed, I was going to apologize for doing it on purpose, but you kicked me out of it, so I decided to let you suffer some more.”

“You, fu-”

“Shhhhhh,” Sungjae presses his finger against Ilhoon’s lips. “Don’t curse at me, I don’t care if you’re older, if you do it, I’m going to say it back at you and you’re not going to like it. Let me finish, ok?”

Ilhoon closes his eyes and bumps his head against the door a few times.

“You’re going to gather attention to where we are and I might not finish what I have to tell you,” he smirks at Ilhoon, he smirks, the nerve of that kid, Ilhoon sighs. “Anyway, apparently, I shouldn’t have done what I did, because it affected you a little bit too much according to the observations I did, and the results weren’t good as well, it caused you to almost ruin our performance and when I noticed it, I almost ruined our performance, it went on domino effect. I’m sorry.”

Ilhoon blinks, staring up at Sungjae, still feeling small, but not so nervous like before,oh this kid, Ilhoon curses inside his head.

“Since I ruined what you was saying,” Sungjae rubs the back of his neck and tries to ease his situation by laughing it off, Ilhoon doesn’t look amused. “I have a question,” he tells Ilhoon, who doesn’t feel affected not even the slightest anymore, he concludes that his previous observations of Sungjae is ing crazy are true, he expects anything coming from him now. “Do you think I can make you fall on your knees without using my hands?”

Ilhoon presses himself harder against the door, if someone tried to barge in, it wouldn’t be possible, because he’s shoving all of his weight against it and he blushes, Ilhoon blushes, he mentally scolds himself, he can feel his cheeks burning hot and the look Sungjae gives him tells that he noticed it too.

“Oh my God,” Sungjae hits his own forehead and shakes both hands in front of him after it. “Not like that, I mean, I-I, not ually, I think I’m going to shut up and just tell you the answer.”

“What’s the answer?” Ilhoon asks curious, Sungjae takes another step, the missing step for him to be the cause that Ilhoon’s being pressed against the cold door.

“You’re not really going to fall on your knees.” he whispers one last time to an motionless Ilhoon before placing both hands against the door - trapping Ilhoon between them - and pressing his lips on Ilhoon’s.

Ilhoon swears he feels his legs going weak, just like after one of those tiring dance practices they have every week - every day -, when he doesn’t feel like he can walk anymore and his legs are the same as jelly and he needs someone to hold him still. Sungjae’s the one holding him still, the hands that were on the door found their way to his waist, pulling him up and unabling his legs from trying to bend again.

Sungjae reminds him of honey and everything he likes, the intoxicating scent of his cologne impregnating his senses and his head is spinning once again, for an absolutely different reason.

His arms that were hanging by his side are now crumpling the front of Sungjae’s sweater and tousling the soft locks of his hair, his fingers itching to touch Sungjae - to run through his hair, to curl a strand behind his ear, to trace random lines on his face - and his lips burning to never let them go apart, to let Sungjae kiss him until he reaches his limit and he can’t breath, his desperate tug on Sungjae’s hair making him release a gasp and Ilhoon wishes that their existence could melt into one.

If Ilhoon doesn’t take Sungjae’s gasp as a chance to deepen the kiss, Sungjae himself does, pressing his digits gently against the skin of Ilhoon’s waist, but not going overboard. Ilhoon stifles a laugh, the tilt of Sungjae’s head startles him, and then, all that he tastes is Sungjae.

He feels the touch of Sungjae’s hands against the fabric of his clothes leaving his waist and holding his chin up, despite the fact that if Sungjae wasn’t holding him he’d have fallen to the ground just a feel minutes ago, Ilhoon stands still by himself, his legs are back to normal - considering that they were normal since the beginning - and Ilhoon circles his arms around Sungjae’s neck, pulling him down and making him change where his hands are placed, being a support for him to not crush Ilhoon against the door instead. Ilhoon feels Sungjae smiling, but he also feels the lack of oxygen circling on his system and white dots starting to sparkle behind his eyelids.

He pulls away and catches his breath, fluttering lashes and half lidded eyes, he watches as Sungjae looks too normal to a person who just kissed someone for a little more than five minutes, only leaning against the wall beside the door and looking down to his feet, trying to hide a smile.

The sound of the door cracking gets Sungjae’s attention and he looks up again, Ilhoon’s tapping his fringe and shaking his head to see if every strand falls back in place.

“I need sleep,” Ilhoon states the obvious. “And so do you, you think I didn’t see those ridiculous dark circles under your eyes earlier? And they’re still there,” he says pointing to Sungjae’s face and Sungjae slaps his hand away. “If you don’t want, you can stay here, I’m going to my room.”

Ilhoon starts to walk away, but Sungjae holds his arm before he can step out of the emergency stairs, placing a kiss to his lips and letting go right after, making Ilhoon trip on the carpet due to the strength he was putting to get away from Sungjae’s hands, he didn’t think he’d release him as fast as he did.

“I hate you.” Ilhoon growls at him from the ground, trying to get up without stumbling back.

“Sure you do.” Sungjae blows him a kiss and makes a run to his room, closing the door silently and locking it before Ilhoon can catch up with him.

“Stupid.” Ilhoon mutters under his breath, smoothing out his clothes and walking slowly to his shared room with Minhyuk, he doesn’t know how long he took, but he knows that Minhyuk is probably awake and going to question his stupid grin and swollen lips - or maybe he’s just going to ignore.



 

They wake up early, Ilhoon doesn’t even bother on fixing his hair, he knows the fans are going to find it ’cute - even though it can only be considered ridiculous and a lack of common sense -, so he just packs his things and go down to find that Minhyuk and him are the last ones to reach the ground floor, finally allowing the rest to check out and leave to the van and proceed to reach the airport for them to take their flight back to South Korea, the time in Singapore was short, but Ilhoon knows that they’ll have more chances to come here.

“Congratulations.” Ilhoon hears a familiar voice and turns surprised to face Taekwoon.

“You guys were staying here too?? Why are you congratulating me?!?” Ilhoon gapes unattractively. “Oh my God, no.”

He shakes his head nervously at the idea of Taekwoon sighting Sungjae and him last night and walks away, Sungjae watching him from where he is, standing beside Eunkwang as the leader accompanies their manager dealing with all the expenses - that the company is covering anyway.

He’s the first to enter the van as usual.



 

Their flight back is a mix of short naps, Sungjae’s head on Ilhoon’s shoulder and intertwined fingers hidden from everyone else.