As if even the sun was against me, I stood still and watched as the silhouette of her shadow, long and distorted against the city street pavement, slowly shorten, inch by inch, as the distance between us finally dissipated into the darkening sky.

"Youngbae-ah, I'm sorry."

-----

If I could count the eyelashes, the strands of hair on her head, the creases, the curves of her features--If I could only remember a few numbers, I would have a perfect sketch of her in my mind. And yet each and every time I met her, I would find something new and start counting from the beginning again. It shouldn't have bothered me as much as it did, but the thoughts would never cease.

With my schedule as tight as it already was, I was convinced she would be the death of me. But I figured I would love her to death anyway.

------

EYES

"Youngbae-ah," she directed at me, jabbing her index finger into my shoulder. "Yah! Say something, you're being quiet."

"Cheonsa needs some water," was all I could say, bending down to set the Jinsa dog's bowl on the pavement. The poor gal had been panting up a storm, and now she was lapping up her water as if she could dry every last drop. It was a good thing the local park had plenty of fountains. We were going to need to fill up again before heading back to Sooyeon's apartment.

It sure was starting to heat up. It was Spring, after all, and such a beautiful day to be out. All the kiddos were on their bikes, young and old couples alike were getting some exercise in on the outdoor recreational machines. We were approaching a swing set, too. I had been keeping on eye on it from a distance silently yearning to get on it.

"Gosh, you're such a big kid," Sooyeon smiled at me. "You're looking everywhere and wanting to interact with everything. The dogs, the kids, and--danggit Youngbae you're walking too fast! Wait up, Cheonsa's sniffing around!"

I couldn't help but to laugh as I made my way back to Cheonsa. Sooyeon was frowning at me, her dark eyes trying to bore into my soul as if she could stay mad at me forever. But my laughing brought a chuckle out of her too, and that was all it took. Once the dog was ready to move on, we continued to make our way to the swings. As we got closer, I took the leash from Sooyeon's hands and started running, urging Cheonsa to run with me. Which then led a confused and dog-less Sooyeon to run after us, falling into my little trap.

"Okay fine, you win," she sighed, smiling at me as I wriggled my eyebrows at her and tilted my chin from her to the swing set, and back again. With one hand grasping the extended leash, I used the other to push Sooyeon into the air on the swings from behind. Once she was high enough, she started wriggling her feet around in the air and looking back at me to make sure I was still there.

She was so beautiful. Her cheeks were flushed, her lips were curved into a relaxed smile, the ponytail tying her hair up was swinging back and forth with the push and pull, and her eyes--her eyes--dark and bright and full of so much love and so much life-her eyes I could just swim in. The way she kept craning her neck to look back at me, I felt as if the world was just me and her. Her eyes were the beginning and the end, dark eyes filled with so much depth. It was her eyes that was always the easiest to trace with my mind's eye, and the hardest to forget.

------

"Not gonna lie, you're looking kind of crazy right now."

"Hmm?"

"Yeah! Exactly like that!"

What did I even look like right now? I was sure Jiyong was right, but there were just too many other thoughts to care. The recording studio I was occupying had been too quiet for too long, which I figured was why Jiyong had come in to visit.

"Do you wanna talk, hyung?" my best friend asked me, pulling out a seat beside me. "You look kind of...oh never mind."

"No its okay. I'm okay," I told him, not really sure what else to say. I stared at the posters on the walls until it felt like the four corners of the room were closing in on me. Not even the toys and figurines perched on the shelves and speakers provided the usual comfort.

"Aww come on, don't lie to me too," he tsked, shaking his head.

"So you said I look crazy?" I asked him.

"More so than usual," he smirked. "Wanna see? I took a pic of you when I walked in," he laughed, pulling out the phone from his jacket's pocket. With that, I pushed him, and he only continued to smirk at me.

I had to admit he was absolutely right though. The worst part was that I realized I couldn't fully open my eyes. It kind of stung behind my eyelids and the skin under my eyes was looking as dark as maknae's.

"You need some rest," he sighed. "Come on, you've got a couch right behind you."

"No, not yet, I work better when I'm restless," I told him.

"Well. How's that working out for you?" he chided, crossing his arms. "All I see is a blank computer screen."

Blank? It wasn't blank. Her face was on that screen, her text messages, her latest words to me from a phone call, midnight conversations, smiles, colors, whispers, moments, laughs, anything to do with Sooyeon were there on that screen, all in my head.

With that, I admitted defeat and moved out of my desk to curl up on the usual black leather couch. I just couldn't stop thinking about her, and it really worried me.

Jiyong had told me before that this was supposed to pass. The head-over-heels part of the relationship. He had told me before how love was like a flame; the more you put into it, the more it ignites and grows, burning and burning as long as you keep supplying it with the right things. It was also possible, however, to over-supply it, which I was so afraid of at the moment, that the fire wouldn't be controllable anymore.

I wanted to see Sooyeon. I needed to. I didn't realize that the squeezing feeling built up in my chest was there until it was too late.

Before sleep took over, her eyes-always her eyes-were my last thoughts.

------

NOSE

Everytime I visited Sooyeon's apartment, she was always cooking or baking. Or both.

The smells themselves were intoxicating, let alone the actual tastes. I wasn't even a fan of sweet things, but for her treats I'd do just about anything. Hwangssabu could work me to death later, I'd live.

Today she was baking scones because her aunt who lived in London had sent her some recipes and tins of tea recently in the mail, or something like that. She'd asked me if I had any before, seeing as that I've visited London a few times. I'd only had the kind that the hotels we stayed at served to us, plus there was that one time when maknae claimed he had a good friend who knew of a great place that had the traditional tea and bakery. That place was pretty good, but listening to maknae's bickering while we ate kind of brought the mood down. When I told Sooyeon that, she laughed and flicked my wrist with a spatula. Apparently I was too mean. Either that or the brat had charmed his way into her heart too.

With that I rubbed my wrist, faking pain, and I thought I had fooled her until I saw her reach for a bigger spatula with a glint in her eyes. Maybe the kitchen wasn't the safest place to be at the moment.

"That's just asking for more," she mouthed, lips upturned. 

"Maybe that's what I want," I mouthed back, reaching behind me to dig out a wooden mixing spoon from a cup of kitchen utensils. Some sword fighing ensued, chasing each other around from room to room until she tripped over the legs of her living room's couch, falling sidways into the cushions. I hovered over her and pointed my spoon to her chin. I would have won, but she had already stabbed her spatula into my stomach. 

"You got me," I smiled, tugging at the spatula against me. Her grip on it was firm, so I used that to my advantage and pulled hard enough for her to be pulled in, falling over me on the couch. Her hair cascaded over her cheeks and most of her eyes, narrowing in on her nose and mouth. Her breathing was uneven and a little rough, catching her breath.

"You need to exercise more," I smirked, chuckling until I noticed her nostrils flare in anger.

"Yah! Youngbae-ah! That is something you never say to a woman!" she yelled, grabbing a pillow behind her from the couch and punching me with it. The spatula had lost its use I guess. I found myself continuing to laugh, wondering why I was always being hit.

"It was a joke!" I tried to apoligize, but the hits were toward my face now, pillow fluff muffling against my cheeks.

"No scones for you!" she replied over my muffled words, sticking out her tongue.

-------

"Hey."

"Mmm?"

"Youngbae-ah," she softly spoke, voice rough and drowsy. Just as I started to feel like I was sinking into the bed mattress, consumed by fatique, her words brought me back to the surface.

It was past midnight when I left the recording studio, unable to progress much with the album, so I figured Sooyeon would be awake since it was still early. When she swung open the door to her apartment to greet me in, I was taken aback to see her face a little swollen. She was holding a hankerchief to her nose.

It was a little past 1 AM now, and we had some of her leftover seaweed soup and talked before crawling into bed. She had talked for a good while about her job, her worries. She had been crying because she had recently received a promotion at work, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to take it. It would be farther away from Seoul, she would have longer shifts, and she was skeptical of her current boss. She said she didn't think she'd have the time to see me. She would have to give Cheonsa over to her parents.

Wasn't a promotion something to be happy about, I asked her. She nodded, eyes lit up for a moment, saying of course, of course. But she knew that doing well in one thing usually meant losing something else.

Under the sheets, her hand found mine as she turned her head towards me.

"Youngbae-ah, you know I like you a lot, right?" she smiled lazily, squeezing my hand.

"I love you," I replied, squeezing back.

"I want this to work," she told me, gently her thumb across the palm of my hand.

"It doesn't have to be complicated. Do what makes you happy."

------

LIPS

"I am happy," she replied, "Right here, with you."

-----

The truth was, I just wanted her to stay with me.

The last time we met up, she had kissed me as if she were saying goodbye. The press of her lips to mine, usually soft and gentle against the scruff of my chin, was instead rough and chaste. She had been quiet, nodding her head along as I told her about the recent updates on the album. She had decided to take the new job, and she had moved her interests onto otherthings.

I felt lost.

-----

"I'm so sorry! I didn't have time to cook again, so I picked up some chicken."

"Its okay, I already ate," I smiled at her, watching as she moved bags around on her kitchen table, digging for chopsticks. She excused herself to change out of her work suit and came back wearing a long t-shirt and leggings. I pulled out a chair and sat across from her.

"Did the boys throw you a little party?"

"Nah, they're all busy. Plus they don't know. It was just some of the producers and Jiyong stopped by."

"Did you get a 'Yay we're almost done with the album' cake?" she smiled, pulling out a chair and starting to pick at the meat.

"Cupcakes. About a dozen of them. Not as good as yours."

Her cheeks flushed as she stared down at her dinner, trying to bite back a smile. I asked her what she was thinking about.

"Oh, you know. How you're too kind. Except when you're not," she stuck out her tongue out at me.

"I mean it though! Please tell me you'll bake me something. I miss your food. I miss you."

"You miss the free food or me?" she laughed, ready to throw chopsticks at me.

"I miss you more," I told her, walking over to her side of the kitchen table. She looked up from her food to meet my gaze, and I still saw her beautiful soul in her eyes. I bent over to kiss her nose, down to her cupid's bow, and at last her lips.Her fingertips grazed my chin to my jawline, kissing me back.

"I miss you too," she breathed in between the kisses, and I squeezed her tight.

-----

Well.

I felt lost again.

Every time I tried to schedule a date with her, she'd tell me she had a busy day at work or was too tired. I wanted to believe her, but that terrible gut feeling told me otherwise.

I started having doubts.

-----

We stopped communicating.

I had been making a lot of headway with the album, so much in fact that the marketing team upstairs were already busying themselves. May was coming sooner than expected. We had already broken up.

-----

I could only spend so many nights thinking about what could've changed. What could have stayed.

Her face was such a clear image in my mind.

Day by day, in a haze, I would make a decision to either sit at a piano or write something, anything down on paper.

The words didn't come all at once. They never did. The melody had been there all along.

Her melody.

-----

It was well into May, almost my birthday in fact, when I told myself it was time. I was ready to forget and forgive, at least in a way I knew how.

When it was all said and done, written out and sung to my liking, I let her take over. Just her.

-------

BUT LIKE A FLAME, BURNT AND DESTROYED

ALL OUR LOVE

"Hey, Youngbae-ah."

"Hmm?"

-----

I couldn't forget her if I tried.

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