Free time is the bane of Namjoon’s existance. They’re supposed to sleep, they’re supposed to go home, they’re supposed to fall back into the arms of their family and pretend that they are normal people for a few days.

Namjoon sits on his bed at home watching the sky outside his window; grey and uninviting. It’s been threatening to rain all day but hasn’t quite managed it. His mum had wanted to go for a walk or go to the beach or something but but the threat of a downpoor is too great and so they’re stuck inside waiting for something to happen, blinking up an indescicive clouds holding them all in limbo. 



"You have to choose, one way or the other. You’re not gonna get them to compromise," Donghyuk’s eyes are glued to his phone but Namjoon knows his attention is firmly on the conversation at hand. They wander through the corridoors of school like they don’t have classes to attend, enjoying the early afternoon sunlight in peace and quiet. 

Namjoon really doesn’t need to worry about getting to class, when school is done for the day he’ll head off to the various hagwons that are assuring his parents his grades will stay sky high. They are exhausting and challenging and the work his tutors set him is leaps and bounds ahead of what the mainstream school system will provide. He could use a rest, Donghyuk on the other hand…

"You don’t have to skip class just because I am y’know," Namjoon jostles Donghyuk’s shoulder, "I’m sure you won’t be able to teach yourself the netire year’s syllabus the night before finals. 

Donghyuk looks up from his phone grinning, “nah I’ll be ok, you’ll look after me,”

"Yeah?"

"Yhup,"

"And how am I gonna do that?"

Donghyuk hitches up his backpack, “well either you’re gonna be a super genius businessman or a super genius musician,”

"Or you and me could be super genius musicians together,"

"You’d be tthe super genius, and I’d be the musician," Donghyuk cackles. 

"Oi! I can do the music thing, I wouldn’t have gotten an offer from an actual music company if I didn’t, right?"

Namjoon watches Donghyuk’s expression switch from excitable to serious in a heartbeat, and for a moment he thinks he said the wrong thing, 

"No you wouldn’t have," Donghyuk says, "but you’re not gonna get signed unless you want to, so what’s it gonna be? Real life or something different?"

When put like that, the choice seems obvious, but Namjoon thanks his lucky stars he knows it’s not that simple. 



Namjoon’s life exists in two entirely seperate halves: what is, and what could have been. Sometimes he thinks that he shouldn’t let himself remain so attached to a life that never happened but even as he tries to convince himself that whatever might have been had he not stuck with Bangtan is inconsequential, he knows it’s impossible. 

The life he never had is everything, it is how people define him. In the seemingly never ending ocean of idols struggling to stand out Namjoon’s identifying feature is that if he wasn’t here he’d be somewhere else, he’d be in the underground, he’d be signed to a big name hiphop label, he’d be sitting in Donghyuk’s living room laughing with his friends…

And those friends are doing so well. Ikje’s always had something of a fanbase, Hyosang’s on the rise and Hunchul’s new found fame is helping them all. All these years Namjoon has told himself that he made the right choice, that going to Big Hit meant he had the best of both worlds, fame and creativity. Only now there’s nothing new to write about and despite the constant promotions no one really knows who they are. 

Hunchul had a number one single, he’s been a top search on Naver, how’s that for fame? Meanwhile Namjoon’s staring up at an endless sea of grey trying to remain objective as he works out whether or not he made the right choice. 

Maybe he should have waited just a little longer, maybe he should have been a cloud. 

His phone buzzes and Namjoon opens it up to find a blurry selca of Donghyuk sent from Minwoo’s phone. 

were drnuk

Namjoon’s face is blank as he replies: it’s the middle of the day

yea but it

we jus wante d boooooooze

ur free rnt u

why arent u here

u should be here

i miss u

i se e u all teh time but i miss u

u shud be here

Namjoon drops his phone without replying but it keeps on buzzing, steadily, for the next hour. He wants to reply, but he can’t work out what he wants to say. 

The truth is that Namjoon should be with Donghyuk and the rest of them, in another life he would be, a life so proposterously close that if he closes his eyes he can almost believe that he’s there right now, drinking in Ikje’s apartment at three in the afternoon. But he doesn’t let the fantasy get ahead of itself, that way madness lies. 

Namjoon stares out of the window and wonders how long it would take for a single cloud to seperate itself from the dense blanket and reform itself into some recognisable shape. Like an animal, or a continent, or a familiar face. 

And eventually darkness will fall, and the clouds will still have not decided to rain.