WARNING: CONTAINS SPOILER!! DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SPOILED OF SOME OF THE REMAINING PLOT!!

This story will contain intercepts which can be set in the future or past. It is in the same timeline, but not continuous from the previous chapter. 

This intercept is Hyukjae's perspective reflecting back on his relationship with Donghae. It contains spoilers of what will happen in the future so I understand if you don't want to read it now, you can always read it once this story is complete. 

PS: not proofread. Enjoy!

Inspired by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t5LxASULdH0

I don’t think… I'm not in love with you intercept 1 

My name is Lee Hyukjae.

I'm a little bit of an introvert, a little bit shy around new people, but in many people’s eyes I'm that guy to rely on when people need it. I feel like a supporting role for other people, always existing to fill spaces and problems. However, I'm also a stubborn man; and I have an arrogant mother. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I didn’t expect to fall in love with Lee Donghae.

Donghae is also an arrogant man, he wants to do everything perfectly, he holds himself in a high regard but also does the same for other people. Simultaneously, Donghae is also a fragile and can be self-loathing, he never seems to see this good in himself that others see. He seems to require other people to tell him how good he is. Perhaps it is Murphy’s Law coming true, but I have to persistently tell myself not to love Donghae. Maybe this is why he also persistently asks me why it is impossible for me to love him. Yet, each time I have to reply with jokes or avoid the topic altogether; but what I really want to say is… it’s not that it’s impossible for me to love you, but rather, I love you too deep.

I remember when Donghae’s ex-boyfriend suddenly showed up out of nowhere, and his presence messed up my mind and caused calamity more than it did to Donghae. I didn’t want to see Donghae nervous for him, I didn’t want to hear from Donghae that he’s still not over his ex. Still, like the old saying, your fears will come your way, the day Donghae heard about him being back is the day he became unlike himself. But who am I to judge when I also became a different person?

We began fighting, arguing, and it seemed like the balance we had before was knocked over, tilting our relationship on its axis; the tacit equilibrium of our mutual understanding spun off course. I broke up with my girlfriend at the time, because we both knew that to each other, we didn’t feel the flames and passion of love at first sight — rather, we were both just not bad companions who were trying to make it through into marriage. I think I knew deep inside that to her; I was someone she could see herself be with but not from impulse or love. I knew our relationship was held together by reason and effort, not by fluttering heartbeats or deeper emotions. Lee Donghae is right, in the face of love, raw and real emotions will remain longer than logic and planning.

Donghae was willing to go against the whole class to stand up for his friend; and can go against many things to follow the righteousness in his mind; he can help me with my mother’s problems and worries; stay up till late to help me with my work. No matter how he presents himself to me — be it in loungewear of sweatpants and a hoodie or him dressed up in a well-fitted suit, in these years that I've known him, each moment I've shared with him is a reason of why I love him. But why is it that the closer we grow, the harder it is for me to tell him those words.

April the fourth is my birthday. I remember that year when he forgot unintentionally with me waiting until over midnight for a text from him. It just reminded me again of my supporting role, that even on my birthday I still can't become his main role. That day, I wished for three things. One about family, one about him, and one about us. The second day, when Donghae showed up at my front door with a sheepish grin, my heart melted, and I knew there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him. He held out a small cake and lit the candles and asked me to make wishes. I knew I shouldn’t be greedy, but I wished for my previous wishes to come true. Seeing him prepare a birthday gift for me, despite it being belated, still touched me. It made me realise that for him, I don’t mind being in a supporting role for the rest of my life.

I remember when we talked about his ex, Donghae confessing that he seemed to be falling in love with the same man who broke his heart. He wanted to rekindle their relationship but was afraid. His ex seemed to be a changed man. Donghae blamed me for putting himself in that situation and believed that I should take responsibility. I'm willing to take responsibility for the remainder of our lives. But Lee Donghae, if I take responsibility, are you willing to love me? Yet, these are the words I couldn’t find the strength to say. Donghae’s love at first sight doesn’t seem to involve me. Since that’s a law of life, let’s just see where life takes us.

Later on, my boss gave me a promotion and it required me to move to Singapore. I couldn’t get Donghae’s voice out of my head, asking me to take responsibility. In the end, I declined the offer because I seemed to have finally plucked the courage to confess my feelings to him. With a gift in hand, I couldn’t wait to tell Donghae. Yet, as my taxi pulled over in front of his house, I was greeted with Donghae and his ex hugging. I wanted to say it felt like a breakup, but it’s not a breakup if two people were never together in the first place.

I drank alcohol until I passed out. I got ill. Yet, these were my one man show skits. Donghae came over and looked after me, pampering me with chicken broth and buying me medicine. How hard do I have to try to not fall in love with him? I called him one night, telling him I want to take responsibility. He laughed it off as a joke, before becoming angry with me for settling. In that moment, I didn’t know what to feel: frustration, pain or unwillingness? It felt like a lump in my throat with me unable to pretend everything’s fine.

Dear lord Lee Donghae, how could he not tell this was my confession? For the past fifteen years, I've cried with him, listened when he needed an ear, grew older and mature w