The industry held the dangers of perfection, because behind the spotlights and the never ending glamour there was always a price to pay. The price to make everything look beautiful.

Those who choose to pay it were all under the piercing lime light, dissected to pieces as they acted their part with practiced smiles.

Living dolls. Talking mannequins. Perfectly painted shells of humans in pursue of fame.

Because this close to perfection one could easily forget what really made them humans.

Jung Taekwoon was a successful singer, praised for his voice, praised for his looks, praised for his politeness, worshipped for his chic persona… The moment his voice sounded anywhere or his tall frame graced the covers, it was instant success.

Everyone adored him. Everyone was astounded by him. Everyone approached him with clichéd praises. They called him perfect. They called him a living statue. And they whispered their ugly jealousy behind his back with the same sickeningly sweet smile as well. They were all ready to step on him to reach higher…

Taekwoon should not be fazed, should not be surprised by that anymore… living as Leo he should know better.

And Leo knew, but Taekwoon had more than enough… Sometimes it was just too much.

And he was sick of the shallow world of entertainment.

After switching of yet another show that featured him, he needed to escape. He hid himself in black, in leather, behind a dark scarf and a beanie and left the apartment that he's yet to call his home.

He avoided avid fans as he exited the building through the underground garage, walking with long steps towards the only safe place he could think of. The nearby park.

He hurried along the path, crashing the autumn colored leaves under his feet with more power than needed, making his march through the park a noisy affair. But Taekwoon couldn’t care less.

Just be away…

He only stopped when he reached the lake, slumping down on the nearest bench with a long sigh.

‘I didn’t know anger could sound so sad.’

Taekwoon jumped in surprise, not noticing that someone was already sitting on the other end of the bench.

‘Ah sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.’ the stranger said, tilting his head toward him with a soft smile.

The guy was around the same age as Taekwoon, his tall form hidden under layers of soft wool and a pea-coat. His long legs stretched out in front of him on the leaves covered pavement, making him seem at home and at ease.

The only weird thing about him was the sunglasses he wore, striking black in the pastels of the cloudy autumn afternoon.

‘I guess you are not that scared after all, you still didn’t run away.’ the stranger chuckled, making Taekwoon feel embarrassed… he was supposed to know what to say in every given situation.

‘No.’ he said, composing his voice into its usual coldness. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t notice you.’ he added, pulling his scarf higher up, dreading to be recognized. He hated how people turned into idiots in front of a celebrity.

‘Nothing to be sorry about.’ the guy shrugged, leaning back against the bench as he trusted his hands into his pockets. ‘You are free to stay.’

Taekwoon was more than dumbstruck at the complete lack of recognition, but he welcomed the weird yet comfortable silence that fell between them.

He could finally think in peace without the worry to pretend, his mask not feeling so forced in the calmness.

‘I know it’s not my business.’ the guy piped up, tilting his head towards Taekwoon, and he tensed up in dread again. ‘But you sounded angry… is something wrong?’

Wrong? Everything was wrong…

‘No, just work.’ Taekwoon said, voice steady and soft, well practiced to fend off more questions.

‘More like torture from your tone of voice.’ the guy said softly and it made Taekwoon catch his breath.

How did he…

‘I probably guessed right then.’ the stranger said with a faint smile.

Taekwoon glanced at the smile that was directed at him, wondering when he had his last proper conversation - one without pretenses and double-meaning words - and he couldn’t quite recall.

But he could not just break away from his mask that easily, even if - for some unexplainable reasons - he felt that he could trust this man.

He decided to try at least.

‘My job is quite demanding.’ Taekwoon said finally. ‘I have to meet a lot of people’s requirements.’

‘That .’ the guy huffed, snuggling into his coat. ‘No wonder I've never wanted to work under anyone. I’d better be free.’

Free… such a foreign sounding word.

‘Oh how rude of me, since we are talking and all…’ the guy grinned sheepishly, pulling his hand out of his pocket. ‘I’m Jaehwan.’

Taekwoon glanced at the offered hand and shook it after only a moment of hesitation.

‘I’m Taekwoon.’

‘Nice to meet you.’ Jaehwan smiled, releasing his hand. ‘I hope your troubles disappear, it’s so sad when people are robbed of their happiness.’

How accurate… Taekwoon thought, smiling bitterly behind his scarf. He nearly forgot that people were supposed to be happy… but was he even human anymore? Behind fake smiles and scripted words it was hard to tell.

‘Tell me what do you really want to do then, maybe that would make you feel better.’ Jaehwan said.

What he really wanted to do…

‘I don’t really know…’ Taekwoon said softly. Is that wrong?

‘Wah, that’s bad!’ Jaehwan exclaimed. ‘I could probably list you hundreds of things in this exact moment and then you would probably make your belated escape.’ he grinned.

‘Sorry.’ Taekwoon said out of reflex.

‘Why are you apologizing?’

‘I-I couldn’t answer you.’ Taekwoon said, pulling his scarf higher up… he was supposed to be able to answer everything. His job and reputation could be ruined by one wrong word.

‘Well, that’s no reason to apologize. You are not a robot, you are allowed to not know things…’ Jaehwan said, shaking his head as if in disbelief. ’Or even ignore me if that’s easier, be rude, be noisy, or whatever you like.’ he added with a slight grin.

That hit deeper then Taekwoon would have thought, but managed to keep his voice calm. ‘I’m fine like this, thank you.’

‘Thought so, you seem like the serious type.’ Jaehwan shrugged.

‘Well you seem like the noisy type.’ Taekwoon retorted and blinked in surprise at himself. That was not how he was supposed to talk… authentic reaction, a crack in the mask.

‘True enough.’ Jaehwan smiled, unaware of Taekwoon’s slip up… not that he was supposed to know about it.

Taekwoon’s phone saved his quickly tilting balance, his manager demanding to know where he was and also his immediate return.

‘Work, huh?’ Jaehwan guessed. ‘I see what you meant by demanding.’

‘Sorry, I’ve got to go.’ Taekwoon said, standing up.

‘It was nice meeting you.’ Jaehwan smiled softly and the openness of it caused another crack on his mask…

‘Yeah, it was nice to meet you.’ Taekwoon said, his voice getting its coolness back. The routine of his practiced smile mending his mask as he turned to walk away.

His steps long, his mind in frenzy and the last thing he noticed about Jaehwan was the striking whiteness that flashed from under his black sunglasses… whether it were bandages or just his eyes tricked him was not something he wondered about. He was already building his defenses back up.

There was always a price to pay for even a small amount of freedom.

Between schedules, barely enough sleep and meetings, dazed by flashlights and reflectors and the gloomy lamp of the backstage it was hard to tell how much time passed… But as Taekwoon was rushed into the hospital to be plugged on an IV to be able to continue his day, he felt another crack in his mask.

The glaring fluorescent light of the room made him sick and as he was made to repeat answers for the upcoming interview it only became worse… But he smiled at the doctor, made sure to stand back up and only back at his apartment did he let himself to think again.

Gazing at the flashing television, seeing his colleagues smiling and moving with practiced ease… he wondered if he himself would eventually get lost in the disillusioned hopes and dreams of inhuman perfection too…

He escaped again the next day, insomnia and the never leaving sickness making it impossible to stay in the house any longer even on his day off.

He hurried towards the park again, the autumn leaves crying sadly under his feet.

And to his utter surprise there he was on the bench again, black sunglasses visible from far away. And as if pulled towards him, Taekwoon moved to sit next to him, feeling a weird sort of calmness as Jaehwan turned towards him…

As if a bubble surrounded him, washing away the sickness if one was close enough.

‘It’s a wild guess, but Taekwoon?’

‘You remembered my name.’ Taekwoon said in surprise.

‘Well not many make such a grand entrance.’ Jaehwan teased, his laughter sounding more genuine then anything Taekwoon'd heard in a long time.

‘I guess not.’ Taekwoon sighed, noticing the white edges of bandages under Jaehwan’s sunglasses.

‘Then to continue our guessing games…’ Jaehwan smiled softly. ‘Are you perhaps looking at these?’ he asked, pointing to his eyes.

‘I’m sorry.’ Taekwoon apologized immediately.

‘Still nothing to be sorry about.’ Jaehwan shrugged, brushing a finger against the white material.

Taekwoon was immediately curious and he wondered if he finally became one of those people in the industry that fed on others’ misfortunes, running away from their own.

Yet he wanted to know. Because Jaehwan seemed strong despite whatever happened and he wanted to know how.

It became increasingly difficult for him to even act strong.

‘Can I ask what happened?’ he managed finally, earning an unexpected smile from Jaehwan.

‘I was in an accident, a drunk driver crashed into my brother’s car – thankfully only I was in it - but I broke bones and got severely hurt and repairing damage is a long process.’ Jaehwan said as he reached up and took of his sunglasses, revealing his bandaged eyes, glaring white against his skin.

Taekwoon couldn’t help staring at Jaehwan. He was not seeing and yet he laughed and smiled so truly and honestly…  How?

‘Oh don’t worry, they said it will be fine soon.’ Jaehwan smiled, putting his sunglasses back on. ‘And this one won’t leave scars either.’ he added, absentmindedly brushing his fingers across his left forearm.

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Please don’t apologize.’ Jaehwan said, holding his hand up. ‘No need.’

Taekwoon didn’t know what else to say then, gazing at Jaehwan as if he was a living photo. Seemingly sad if one only saw the visible scars and yet he was so full of hope. He was intrigued, his mind free of his troubles if he only concentrated on this one puzzle that this stranger was. An unexplainable friend.

‘Well we kind of killed the mood here.’ Jaehwan chuckled. ‘So tell me what it’s like to live in this fancy district?’

‘Why do you ask?’ Taekwoon asked confused.

‘Well, I’m only here because of the hospital. This place would be too expensive for me.’ Jaehwan smiled sheepishly. ‘I’m curious, since this is the only place where I’m allowed to go out.’

‘It’s beautiful, but artificial at the same time.’ Taekwoon answered honestly. It was just like himself.

‘Based on how all people sound around here, I imagined something like that…’ Jaehwan said, tracing patterns on his coat.

‘Sound?’

‘Yeah, I can’t see but I can still hear. People dragging their feet, sighing, stomping in anger… nothing soft or comfortable in their steps. I would paint them in blue and grey.’ Jaehwan explained, moving his fingers in the air as if painting out a scene.

‘Paint them?’ Taekwoon asked softly, wondering if in all the blue and grey would he be black with all the things hidden behind his mask... Or would he paint an even sadder picture.

‘Hmm, I’m an artist.’ Jaehwan said animatedly. ‘I can’t wait to be able to draw again. You know I have this little studio in the outer districts, up on a hillside with the meanest road you can imagine.’ he grinned, captivating Taekwoon with the open happiness in his voice. ‘My poor car must be so out of shape without the usual exercise.’

‘Must be nice.’ Taekwoon said, feeling the tug of a genuine smile on his lips. Wrong… he shouldn’t act like this.

But he ignored the warning in favor of getting lost in Jaehwan’s open and honest emotions as he told the little details of his studio and the way he went around the city to capture the beauty that was unseen by the rushing crowd.

‘Ah, I really miss it.’ Jaehwan smiled. ‘Hopefully only one more week to go and then I’m free to paint again.’

Free… Taekwoon sighed at the thought, this was why he should not get lost in others’ emotions… it was hard to get his own ones back under control.

‘Oh right, then we won’t meet again…’ Jaehwan trailed off.

No, and then I’m free to be alone with my artificial life. Taekwoon thought bitterly.

‘Then how about coming for a visit?’ Jaehwan asked, tilting his head towards Taekwoon with a soft smile.

‘I don’t know if I will have the time…’ Taekwoon shook his head, not understanding why Jaehwan would still want to meet him. Not to mention how he would react if he knew who he was…

‘It’s okay.’ Jaehwan cut him short. ‘If you want to, then meet me here again next week.’

Before Taekwoon could come up with an answer Jaehwan’s phone went off with a cheery tune.

‘Ah sorry, must be my friend to take me back to the hospital.’ he grinned, answering his phone with a practiced ease despite his lack of sight and stood up at the same time. ‘Hi, Kong-ah.’

Taekwoon stared at his hands in his lap as he zoned out on the conversation. What was he supposed to do…

‘Taekwoon.’ Jaehwan called his name and he jumped in surprise. ‘Could you me to the eastern entrance? My friend couldn’t find a place to park his car… But only if it’s not trouble.’

‘…sure.’ Taekwoon blinked, standing up only to jump again in surprise as Jaehwan got hold of his arm with a wide smile.

‘Sorry, gotta hold on if I don’t want to get stupidly lost like the last time I tried this alone.’

Taekwoon just held his arm up for an easier access to Jaehwan and began their walk in comfortable silence.

The depressing thoughts of his work already starting to rush back to him with every careful step away from the little sanctuary the lake provided to the two of them. And he had to take in a shaky breath to get his mask back under control as they reached the entrance.

‘Hyung!’ someone shouted from further down the street.

‘If it’s a hideously green car, then he is my friend.’ Jaehwan informed him and Taekwoon couldn’t help agreeing as he pulled Jaehwan softly towards it.

When they reached it a really handsome guy waited beside it, waving apologetically to other drivers as they had to move around his car. He had a wide dimpled smile and Taekwoon wondered how he was still free of the shackles of the industry… some of the agencies would kill to have such a face on their side.

‘Hyung, hop in quickly. I’m making a nuisance out of ourselves because of you.’ the guy said as he turned towards them, a slight falter in the movement as he looked at Taekwoon but nothing else.

‘Alright, alright.’ Jaehwan huffed and waved the guy off. ‘Taekwoon, that overly polite guy there is Hongbin.’

‘Hey.’ Hongbin greeted. ‘Thanks for taking care of Jaehwan-hyung.’

‘Yeah, sure. No problem.’ Taekwoon said softly and hid behind his scarf reflexively.

Hongbin flashed him a wide smile and climbed into the car.

‘Thank you.’ Jaehwan smiled. ‘I hope to see you next week.’

‘Yeah.’ Taekwoon said instead of a proper answer, and helped Jaehwan into the car.

The slightest squeeze of Jaehwan’s hands before he released his arm sent a last wave of calmness through him, and as the car sped away he could nearly convince himself that he would be fine…

He was confused, entirely confused. He was sure meeting Jaehwan when he could see again was a bad idea… it had always been a bad idea to trust in others to keep their relationship a secret, and he was afraid Jaehwan would  turn out to be someone like that too.

Even if he somehow knew that would never happen.

But more than that, he was afraid to depend on someone again… It only proved how weak he was. Proved what others whispered behind his back, that he would crack soon and would be overthrown by others… And that was unacceptable, he had nothing else to do anymore and he couldn’t fall out even if it meant throwing away the last pieces of his own personality, his own self.

If only he could still find them…

The week flew past in the same flashing, fluorescent and ugly way it usually did and Taekwoon still didn’t know what to do. But as he was yet again pounded to the ground by merciless, cutting words because of his latest performance – saying he felt too much, saying he felt not enough – he knew he needed to get away from the living hell his agency released on him for it.

‘Just where do you think you are going?’ his CEO called after him as he threw the door shut, feeling as if something snapped inside him again, and rushed away.

Enough…

Jaehwan was really there, sitting on the bench with a bag at his feet, eyes still protected by the dark sunglasses.

Taekwoon knew he shouldn’t feel as relieved as Jaehwan seemed to be, but he didn’t have it in him to care. His mask falling away a bit, even if he dreaded that this out of nowhere trust would break in any moment.

‘It’s you, right?’ Jaehwan asked, standing slowly up.

Taekwoon nodded, waiting for the inevitable realization on Jaehwan’s part, but the guy just smiled stupidly happy with an accompanying melodious chuckle.

‘You are as handsome as your voice is nice.’ he said, making Taekwoon flustered by the compliment. ‘But really, I’m all sorts of happy you really came. For one, you are here and two, I don’t have to call a ride back home.’

Taekwoon only raised a confused brow at the reasoning, earning yet another chuckle.

‘One really has to see you. You can have a complete conversation without even saying a word.’ Jaehwan said and Taekwoon pulled his mask a bit tighter back around his face…

Wrong, too transparent, too dangerous… the thoughts chased each other around in his mind as he offered a guarded smile in answer.

‘I told my friends that they don’t need to come for me, hoping you would turn up. I’m really lucky, I’m saved from their nagging and teasing.’ Jaehwan explained sheepishly, kicking a feet towards his bag.

Taekwoon nodded in understanding, wondering if he could still back out of this… but that would mean facing his agency, his life again…

‘We can leave whenever you are ready.’ Jaehwan said, reaching for his bag and Taekwoon thought no, he can’t anymore…

‘Come on then.’ Taekwoon said and turned to lead the way back towards his car.

‘Hey, wait for me!’

The ride towards Jaehwan’s studio was silent, only the occasional direction giving breaking the silence, and Taekwoon thought that maybe he should just reveal himself and get on with it… if it wasn’t already a sick joke on Jaehwan’s part…  he really hoped it wasn’t. He desperately needed this much honesty in his life.

Even if it scared him how much this little human contact began to mean to him.

Taekwoon parked the car, taking in a deep breath as his fingers flexed on the wheel.

‘I know who you are.’ Jaehwan broke the silence first, stunning Taekwoon with the bluntness of it. ‘Your voice is unique like that. It was hard to miss it.’

‘You didn’t say anything.’

‘Why make things awkward when you clearly introduced yourself as Taekwoon not as Leo.’ Jaehwan shrugged, this reaction nothing what Taekwoon'd expected.

Such a puzzle.

‘So let’s continue like that. I’m simply Jaehwan you are simply Taekwoon, two guys with a weird sort of acquaintance.’ Jaehwan offered with a smile. ‘If you wish to tell me more, then it’s up to you.’

‘Why are you even doing this?’ Taekwoon asked, gazing ahead, afraid to catch a glimpse of Jaehwan’s eyes through his sunglasses for the first time and to see something there that reminded him of how messed up he really was. Pity just added more poison to his life.

‘Because you are a fascinating person, Taekwoon.’ Jaehwan answered, and Taekwoon saw from the corner of his eyes as Jaehwan turned towards him, studying him and probably seeing way more than anyone was ever supposed to.

‘You could easily turn this on me…’ Taekwoon tried to bring out the shadow that just had to be in Jaehwan…

‘I would never do that.’ Jaehwan said, sounding insulted and Taekwoon was sure his image of perfectly controlled mask was gone, replaced by blatant surprise for a fleeting second.

‘Why not?’ Taekwoon asked and Jaehwan just smiled in answer, gazing at Taekwoon silently for another few seconds.

‘Who would even believe it that I know you? Hongbin saw you and he only said you look alike.’ he joked, deflecting the question. ‘Let’s go inside.’ he said and as he got out of the car Taekwoon couldn’t help sighing in relief and in misery.

‘I envy people like you.’

Jaehwan led him inside, ignoring their previous conversation in favor of showing him around and Taekwoon was momentarily distracted from his tilting balance, his cracking mask and the intriguing and upsetting puzzle of a man.

The studio was beautiful, an organized chaos of art with the most gorgeous view of the city and Taekwoon was finding himself staring at pictures of perfectly painted emotions. There was joy, love, anger, melancholy and the very core of a person on paper in every inch of the studio and he was simply mesmerized. No wonder Jaehwan seemed to be able to see through him…

He was especially entrapped by one drawing, a beautiful woman and a model he worked with before, and she was smiling… but her eyes were sad, and so terribly empty that Taekwoon wondered if he looked the same too…

‘You like them?’ Jaehwan asked as he offered Taekwoon a cup of tea – and when did he even go away to do that…

‘Yeah, they are beautiful.’ Taekwoon said, accepting the cup only to stop as he finally noticed Jaehwan’s eyes for the first time.

They were a shade of rich brown, dark with something like a mix of sparkling champagne and stars and Taekwoon was lost again.

‘Can I draw you?’ Jaehwan asked softly and Taekwoon nodded, still holding that deep gaze with his own.

And Jaehwan was drawing, speaking of everything and nothing as Taekwoon sat in front of him on a couch and it suddenly felt like they were back by the lake and Taekwoon could pretend to be fine again as he smiled his practiced smile and avoided talking about the truth.

It was safe like that and Jaehwan captured his fake smile with exact precision, showing the real sadness in his eyes with quick of his pencil. His portrait was placed next to the model’s  - same Taekwoon noted with a hurting beat of his heart - but Jaehwan didn’t say anything about it and Taekwoon returned the next week too.

Because pretending to be fine only worked that long and Leo was yet again not strong enough to keep Taekwoon out of the cruel truth’s way.

They began a pattern of meeting and not saying anything about Taekwoon’s life through the weeks, the studio - also functioning as Jaehwan’s house - becoming the new safe place for Taekwoon.

 Jaehwan would occasionally pin him with his deep gaze for long minutes, but he could still pretend nothing was wrong when the painter moved on with the conversation with his addicting smile – respecting his wish to keep his life personal, even if he could seemingly read him like an open book.

It was on a rainy day, his birthday to be exact, when Taekwoon was dissected to pieces again by fakely smiling critiques that he found himself driving up that mean road to Jaehwan again. Feeling his pull as if he was the moon and Taekwoon was the tide he was pulling along in a never changing pattern, the only constant thing in Taekwoon’s life besides his misery.

‘Oh, happy birthday to you. I just wanted to text you.’ Jaehwan smiled as he opened the door, apron around his waist that was smudged with both paint and the remains of his cooking that left a homely scent in the house. ‘You hungry? I just finished making dinner.’

‘I can’t.’ Taekwoon said, stepping inside from the cold. ‘I have a diet to keep up with.’

‘Nonsense. How can you diet on your birthday?’ Jaehwan puffed his cheeks, acting like a mother hen.

‘You know I can’t.’ Taekwoon said in monotone, the pretention of being cool and collected coming easier to him then the anger he felt inside as he took his coat off… He didn’t have a birthday in this industry, he didn’t have anything but the expectations to live up to…

‘Why even?’ Jaehwan huffed, getting hold of Taekwoon’s wrist. ‘You are already way too thin for it to be healthy and not like you model for the runways.’ he said, his way too long sleeved pullover cocooning his wrist along with his slender fingers, showing how thin his wrists were exactly.

And Taekwoon’s breathe hitched. The touch burning through his skin with intensity that was not there before and Taekwoon glanced up into Jaehwan’s eyes to see if he felt it too.

Dark eyes bore into him, suddenly very serious and the silence was charged between them.

And Jaehwan was the one to break the spell as he raised Taekwoon’s hand up to his lips, brushing a ghostly imprint of a kiss to his knuckles and his warm eyes turned to a deeper shade in the shadows of his long lashes.

‘I want to kiss you.’

Taekwoon had half a second to wonder if he heard right before there were soft lips on his, slow and quick and chaste and needy all at once, and it was intoxicating in its innocent fervor and burning lust. It washed his mind blank, settling his anger as it turned into something stronger, something unstoppable.

The kiss only lasted for a few seconds at best but felt like hours to him, and he tried very hard not to swallow nervously.

‘Jaehwan…’ Taekwoon tried, not able to hold eye contact, feeling exposed, feeling wanted.

‘Stop me then.’

He didn’t, he couldn’t and he ended up in the warm embrace of Jaehwan. Reason lost in lush lips and fingers digging against skin as moans were muffled against pillows, whispers and tears painting the haze between them and when Taekwoon came it was a breathless murmur of Jaehwan’s name.

Morning had them lying an arm’s length away from each other and Taekwoon was gazing at the barely rising pale sun through the curtains, not able to look at Jaehwan’s sleeping form because it left him dreadfully cold instead of the warmth he terribly craved…

Life was cruel like that to people that wanted things they were not supposed to have.

Because people like him should never taint people like Jaehwan.

Jaehwan rolled towards him then, his forehead resting against his bare shoulder as his slow breath played on his skin and it was all wrong, so wrong because he shouldn’t be trying to get closer, he should run away from him because Taekwoon was just an illusion of a human…

‘You think so loudly.’ Jaehwan whispered against his skin and Taekwoon’s hand unconsciously tightened on the sheets.

‘I’m sorry.’

Jaehwan kissed his shoulder in answer, sighing softly. ‘Why do you keep apologizing?’

Taekwoon suddenly felt really cold, wanting to yell and wanting to cry at the same time but only managed to choke out one haunting word. ‘Wrong.’

‘What is wrong?’ Jaehwan asked, pressing another kiss to his skin.

‘I’m wrong for you.’

‘What are you talking about?’ Jaehwan asked softly, sitting up as he gazed down at him and Taekwoon was quick to hide behind his mask, bruised emotions swallowed by the coldness of it.

‘I sold myself to heaven and hell.’ Taekwoon said equally softly and Jaehwan traced a hand against his jawline the other easing the sheets out of his clutch to replace it with his fingers.

 And Taekwoon didn’t move away, because Jaehwan’s touch warmed him up from the inside out and he didn’t want to feel cold anymore.

‘Sometimes I don’t even know who I am anymore.’ Taekwoon sighed even quieter and this time he reached up to cup Jaehwan’s face, reminding himself with this simple touch that he was made of the same fragile material.

Jaehwan leaned in without a word, eyes deeply sad and Taekwoon tightened the hold of their hands, anchoring himself to reality as he was yet again reminded that the promised perfection could be near and yet so far away.

It was a silent agreement that they wouldn’t talk about it even if the shudders under the comforters and the vulnerable gasps still echoed in the house.

Taekwoon disappeared late in the morning, leaving Jaehwan fast asleep on the bed with curtains closed tight so nothing would disturb his dreams again. There was mist outside as he climbed into his car, making his way back into his artificial reality slow, soft and safely guarded.

But the mist would eventually fade, and then the illusion of safety would lift, leaving them both to believe the night was just a dream...

But maybe Taekwoon had just enough of disillusioned dreams and hopes.

Neither of them protested when it happened again, and again and during the fourth time they were both too drunk and Taekwoon found himself smiling at Jaehwan’s laughter because the silence would have been too violent and laughter was the only thing that closed the distance between their worlds, hiding the fact that this relationship should not become anything more than physical.

But only this much was enough to remind Taekwoon that living between human mannequins and dolls, living behind his mask did not mean that he could not still feel someone breathing fast and needy under him, and feel someone’s erratic pulse reacting to his touch.

A reminder that he was still human, even if he still spent most of the nights awake to be able to hide his remaining soul away behind a perfect facade.

He really didn’t know what Jaehwan still saw in him, when he'd already seen his imperfections without the makeup, without the scripts and without the spotlight that were wired to make him look as close to perfect as possible, but he still drew him with utmost care and kissed his lips with warmth.

And Taekwoon realized he was afraid – afraid that they both fell for something that could not be real.

‘You asked me what I really wanted to do.’ Taekwoon said softly and Jaehwan hummed in answer, fingers idly tracing shapes into his shirt.

They were lying on Jaehwan’s overly comfortable carpet, draped in blankets and the enveloping darkness of the night.

‘When I was younger I really wanted to become a soccer player.’ Taekwoon said and he felt as Jaehwan shifted against him, probably thinking if he could ask for more…

‘Why didn’t you become one then?’ Jaehwan asked slowly, carefully and Taekwoon felt off balance again because Jaehwan really wanted to know more, he wanted to know more about the real him.

‘I injured myself. I practiced too much, and I couldn’t play anymore as a professional… and then only singing was left to me.’ Taekwoon sighed, words flowing softly but surely in the safety of the darkness. ‘I sang on a few competitions and before I knew it I was already scouted by an agency, swept away by their fake promises, and here I am. I became an entertainer but not in a way I ever wanted, and yet… sometimes it feels like this is the only life I’ve ever known.’

Silence. Jaehwan was alert by his side, the air heavy with the sound of truth that he so rarely let out and even less were let to know.

‘Why…’ Jaehwan paused, and Taekwoon glanced at him but he couldn’t really make out his features because of the same darkness that covered up his cracked mask. They were alone with their words. ‘Why didn’t you stop if you knew you would hurt yourself?’

‘I needed to get better. Was it wrong to do that?’ I’m still doing it… Taekwoon thought. He still beat himself over every mistake, trapped in the vicious cycle of the industry of never enough.

‘Wrong.’ Jaehwan repeated, his voice calm but firm. ‘Needed…’ he sighed. ‘You’re wrong because you didn’t need to overwork yourself to the point of injury. You don’t have to be the best alone… you can rely on others too.’

Taekwoon stared at the outlines of Jaehwan for a long time, feeling something crumbling down inside him in the protective embrace of the night… then he sighed as if he released a lifetime’s worth of tension.

‘There was no one to tell me that back then.’

Jaehwan held in whatever he might have said in answer and only pulled him close by the waist in silent comfort.

He knew he let his guard down too much, adding something more to their not supposed to be existing relationship when Jaehwan asked him something that made him drop the rehearsed collection of lines he was studying.

‘Would it be absolutely outrageous if I asked you to get coffee with me?’

Grave mistake, he knew it was as he felt the pull of his perfected cold smile on his lips. ‘As what?’ he asked, voice strained as he retreated behind his crumbling walls and mask.

Jaehwan seemed to notice his mistake too as he searched his face with a sad half-smile, and Taekwoon couldn’t help wonder what would his answer have been in a completely different situation –when they would be two completely normal people, when asking someone out for coffee should not be complicated… In a different world where he wasn’t someone who lived on sleeping pills and IVs, where he wasn’t a doll among many other broken ones.

‘Never mind…’ Jaehwan shrugged. ‘But when was the last time you had a proper coffee?’ he asked instead.

‘I don’t remember.’

I’m sorry. It’s my fault.

After that Taekwoon went back to his house and he's never felt more like an intruder in the only place that he could still call his own… it missed everything that made a home safe… him…

He slumped down against the door as dizziness washed over him and he couldn’t help but laugh.

Laughing long and hard and unrestrained and then he choked on the sound because it reminded him of Jaehwan’s laugh and then he wondered if that was real at all or if he just went crazy all together.

Real or not, right or wrong, black and white…. never the right shade of grey, not in his life. Because there were no monochromes when one was paid to be a human doll of ideals, perfection and burning colors of artificial life.

His phone rang then and as he reached for it to throw it across the room he caught a glimpse of the caller’s name.

Jaehwan.

He stared at it, all their together spent time flashing behind his eyes and his fingers tightened around the phone as he answered it without a word.

‘I’m Lee Jaehwan, I’m twenty-two and I never wanted to be a painter – not like this.’

Taekwoon knew he was not breathing properly as he heard Jaehwan’s pained voice.

‘Someone said that you learn a lot about a person when you see the things they draw… they draw the things they treasure and things they are afraid to lose. And I've drawn you enough times already to figure something out today.’ Jaehwan said, taking in a shaky breath and Taekwoon felt like breaking because it was a horrible sound. ‘You looked at me today like you do when you pretend to be that perfect marionette you never wanted to be and I’m not afraid to lose you anymore… I’m afraid you were never really here with me in the first place.’

Taekwoon was shaking badly by then, clutching the phone with cold and pale fingers.

‘I’m Lee Jaehwan and I live on a hillside, I make good coffee and I watch too many animes in my free time and I like making people smile even if it’s impossible. And I want to draw all these things, because that’s what I’m afraid to lose most, because these make me who I am and I’m afraid – god, I’m so afraid - that you’ve lost all of those too long ago to be salvaged. I want to know who you are, I want to know the real Jung Taekwoon and I want to draw you again like that –‘

He was choking on his words and Taekwoon stopped breathing all together.

‘But if you won’t let me, that's fine. But if you ever figure it out, if you ever figure out who you are and what you want to do and the things you like, tell me. Please tell me. Because I need to know that even for a moment, the person I might have fallen in love with was someone real, and not an illusion.’

Then there was silence, a violent silence that tore Taekwoon up but he just couldn’t...

‘I’m sorry.’ Taekwoon murmured, coming undone as he heard Jaehwan’s pained sob and he hung up before Jaehwan could hear him cry too on the other end of the line.

Breaking up without a real relationship was not supposed to hurt, and Taekwoon was desperate to believe that as he put even more effort into his work, selling out his remaining energies and soul.

December came like that, along with his new song and it was a hit.

He'd never sang better – they praised him – he'd never sang more beautiful, more painful, and more heartbroken.

And all was well again, Leo’s place secured in the industry as invitations for every possible year-end event came to him. And as people clamored around him with renewed smiles and praises he wondered if Jaehwan fell for this too… the idea of him, Leo with empty eyes as a reminder that perfection was possible.

Or did he really fell for the person that lay awake at night staring up at the ceiling, too accustomed to loneliness to sleep even with someone beside him…

He found himself in the hospital again in the same cold room with the glaring fluorescent light, all turned uglier by fakely twinkling Christmas lights and décor... With Christmas coming quick and merciless he had to appear more often, working to the point of complete exhaustion, acting like he knew what to do with the holiday and all its clichéd romances. So he smiled and crumbled to pieces.

And like that winter also brought Jaehwan back to his life again as he all but ran into him in the hospital corridor, papers flying from their hands.

‘Oh, hi.’ Jaehwan greeted, smile cracking around the edges and Taekwoon knew his own was not much better either as they leaned down to gather their own written lies that they were both fine.

‘Hey.’ he greeted softly anyway, noticing how Jaehwan seemed more pale, more tired and it nearly broke him that his eyes were glassier too.

‘I’m in for a checkup.’ Jaehwan said, noticing his searching gaze of course. ‘How have you been?’

Taekwoon wondered only briefly if he should just lie… but the way the other looked at him simply did not allow him that. ‘Tired. Exhausted.’ he murmured and he really wished he could tell Jaehwan how exactly he was, but the words stuck in his throat and his manager was already making a fuss…

And they left it at that.

Taekwoon might not have been out for a proper coffee in ages but that didn’t mean he did not go out to drink to ease away the edge of pain that clung to him like second skin. It was a place where no one would have guessed any celebrity, much less he would show up and so he was left in peace…

But even here, in this out of the way place, the industry would remind him where his place was supposed to be and how he was supposed to act as the television showed his latest music show. The irony of it made the burn of alcohol that much stronger.

‘It’s amazing.’ someone from the neighboring table whistled. ‘He sings like that and in the interviews too…’

‘Yeah, like how does he do it? Wow.’ someone else nodded along. ‘Is he even human? Perfect voice, perfect face, hell he doesn’t even have a scandal…’

Taekwoon drank the rest of his drink in one gulp, pouring himself another. Wrong… he thought bitterly, even Jaehwan would agree.

‘But his eyes…’ the first one spoke up again. ‘It’s like blank canvas, completely vacant.’

‘Yup, like invisible ink. You can’t even pretend to know what is written in them, I think only someone with special access could.’ the second wondered and Taekwoon froze in his spot.

‘Yeah or a mind reader.’ the first one joked and Taekwoon finished his bottle quickly before escaping.

He finished drinking himself to sleep back in his house, knowing that there would be a horrible hangover in the morning… another type of reminder that he was still human, but it also came with the sour reminder that it wasn’t Jaehwan…

It was snowing and he was left alone again after he finished up his last schedule for the day - allowed to leave to prepare for Christmas - they told him at the agency as they read through another contract where they could sell Taekwoon out. There was no more perfection to showcase, no more group of living dolls to be a part of and he was out the door even before he could register what he was doing.

It only took him a few minutes to reach the park, to reach the lake and only then did he realize that along whit his daily routine he left his mask back at his house too…

And he slumped down on the bench as the force of the loneliness that he so desperately tried to suppress hit him. His gaze became unfocused as he stared at the lake that was illuminated by the city lights and the Christmas lights that added a soft glow to the nearby trees as well.

Artificial. Cold. Lonely.

His knuckles went white from the force he clutched the hard wood under him, snow falling around him as his tears began to flow and he bended forward as deep sobs shook his form.

Enough, it’s enough… Let it be over…

The sound of soft steps in the snow echoed in the distance, comfortable and silent, not angry, not hurried, not belonging to someone from here.  It approached slowly but surely and Taekwoon curled together tighter.

Then the sounds got cut off as the lights were blocked from him and he bit back the next hitched breath, whishing that whoever it was would just go away. Don’t ask, don’t look, leave me alone.

But the person didn’t move and Taekwoon looked up to send him away, only to be rendered speechless.

Jaehwan.

And there must have been something in his eyes because Jaehwan fell to his knees in the snow without a word, scrambling to open his clenched and freezing fists and wiped his tears all at once.

There was something in his throat too – a prayer, a curse, or even a sob trying to force its way out – so he settled for a whisper, maybe a chuckle and maybe he was sobbing after all. ‘Unbelievable. How did you know?’

Jaehwan laughed too, feeble and rough but he tightened his hold on his wrists. ‘Maybe I know a part of you at least.’

‘You do.’ Taekwoon sighed and he felt Jaehwan froze at his words, so he turned his wrists and curved his hands into his, tugging him closer so he could rest his forehead against Jaehwan’s.

They were much closer before, warm bodies under cold sheets, but that act right then felt the most intimate compared to all of them.

‘I’m Jung Taekwoon and I’m twenty-four. I get cold easily but I hate being warm too and I hate being alone. I hate it when people are ignorant and I like waking up to someone beside me. I’m Jung Taekwoon and I’m sorry I was scared. And I still don’t know what to do but I don’t want to be tired and so lonely anymore… is it wrong to want all these?’

Jaehwan just stared up at him for a long while. Then his lips lifted in a soft, sad smile as he freed his hands from Taekwoon’s only to bring it up behind his head and wrapped his arms around him, slowly, carefully, as if afraid to break him.

‘No. No, of course it isn’t wrong.’ he whispered.

Taekwoon laughed, breathless but genuine because he finally felt safe in that embrace. ‘Please. Help me figure out the rest.’

Christmas had him driving up that mean road again and he couldn’t be happier that he had to prepare for the holiday after all. It was White Christmas and Jaehwan already texted him a dozen times to be careful on the roads because he really didn’t want to spend Christmas in a hospital, he had more than enough of them for the next century.

Taekwoon just smiled as he parked his car, the blanket of snow hugging the hillside as the city buzzed with life and glowing lights under it.

The door opened even before he had a chance to knock, finding Jaehwan in his overly big pullover and a ridiculous apron decorated with reindeers and Christmas trees.

‘Merry Christmas-‘Taekwoon tried to greet.

‘I thought I told you to be careful, you arrived quicker than you should have.’ Jaehwan pouted, and Taekwoon rolled his eyes at him with a fond smile.

‘I brought cake.’ he said, lifting his bribe up for the younger to see.

‘Ah you know me too well…Then it can’t be helped. You are forgiven.’ Jaehwan smiled, wide and charming and he pulled him inside. ‘I hope you are prepared to have a proper meal with me.’

‘Wouldn’t miss it.’ Taekwoon smiled, tugging Jaehwan closer by his stupid apron to press a kiss to his cheek.

Jaehwan chuckled, his eyes sparkling with happiness.

The kettle whistled just then and Taekwoon couldn’t help it as his smile widened just a bit more.

‘Are you making coffee?’

‘Yeah.’ Jaehwan winked, fulfilling a promise he didn’t know they had made.

After dinner Taekwoon found himself sitting on the bed in a borrowed pullover, gazing at his present in his lap. It was a beautiful painting of the lake and Taekwoon couldn’t help getting lost in the smallest details of it.

‘You like it?’ Jaehwan asked sleepily from his side, hugging his own present to his chest. Taekwoon was not good with presents but he figured it out pretty easily who Jaehwan’s favorite singer was… and he might have gotten his autograph for him.

‘It’s beautiful.’ Taekwoon smiled down at him, reaching for his hand and kissed a trail up it. Taking a good look at the scars on Jaehwan’s forearm and he kissed them all too, carefully and softly.

‘I think I’m glad I was stupid enough to crash my brother’s car.’ Jaehwan hummed.

‘I don’t think you breaking you arm, ribs and injuring your eyes can be something to be glad about, ever.’ Taekwoon scolded, biting the last scar of Jaehwan’s open fracture.

‘Still, I was able to meet you because of it…’ Jaehwan said softly. ‘It was totally worth being hospitalized for that long… even not seeing for a while.’

‘Stupid.’ Taekwoon sighed, running his fingers through Jaehwan’s dark hair.

‘Part of the deal.’ Jaehwan grinned, reaching up to tug Taekwoon down for a kiss. ‘And you being yourself is also part of it, don’t you forget.’

‘I know.’ Taekwoon said, stealing another kiss. ‘That is why I’m thinking of changing agencies.’

‘Really? That’s great.’ Jaehwan smiled, putting their presents out of the way so he could cup Taekwoon’s face.

‘Yeah, I think they will be much better for me.’ Taekwoon smiled, leaning into Jaehwan’s touch. Still part of the industry, but in an environment that cared more about actual work then parading him around for money… He finally had enough leverage to do it and he couldn’t wait for it. And he was sure he didn’t anticipated work in a very long time.

It was also a long time ago when he could separate life from work…

‘You look happy even thinking about it.’ Jaehwan noted as he caressed his cheeks.

‘That’s because of you.’

‘Cheesy does not suit you.’ Jaehwan wrinkled his nose in mock disgust.

‘Go to sleep.’ Taekwoon deadpanned, making Jaehwan pout before he began to laugh, addicting and sweet.

‘Come on then.’ Jaehwan laughed, opening his arms for Taekwoon to settle in his embrace and Taekwoon did, pulling up the blanket over them. ‘Maybe we can make you sleep without those damned pills too.’

Taekwoon just hugged him closer in a silent thank you with a smile on his face as he listened to Jaehwan humming softly to him.

And even if pills were not enough to lull him asleep when he was alone, the thought that he had Jaehwan to come home to did. Because he was there to remind him who he really was, and reminded him that he didn’t need to give up things that made him human…

Because he was there to love him for himself.

 Imperfect or perfect, right or wrong.

And that was more than enough.

Thanks for reading~