I knock on the door, thinking that I’ll just say a quick goodbye. 

“Hyung?  I’m heading back to my place now.  Just wanted to say bye before I left.”

“Ah, Seunghyunah, come on in.  I was just looking at some pictures of your members at last night’s concert.  Another concert safely completed,” Hyun Suk hyung says as he swipes through on his iPad.

I join him to see the pictures of the show I wasn’t able to attend.  They look good throughout the show, I imagine they filled in my part with ease.  Right as I’m about to say my real goodbye – I’d really like to lay down – I see the picture. 

Jiyong hyung is wearing a towel around his neck, in his undershirt, and he’s got his back to the crowd.  His arm is around Daesung hyung’s shoulders and his head is leaning down to murmur something as they exit the stage.  The picture must have been taken by a staff because you can see they are both smiling widely, the glow of a thousand lightsticks in the background.

I quickly say thanks as I’m dismissed with an order to get some rest, and as I’m sitting in the van, I think about how often I see that expression.  I’ve seen that pose and that look on all my hyung’s faces many times through the years.  Most often, when they’re talking with Daesung hyung.

I’ve rarely been on the receiving end of that intimate stance.  Sure, they’ll clasp my shoulders sometimes, but it’s generally when they want to tease me about something they find hilarious.  With me, their expressions are mischievous or fake innocent; with him, their eyes are soft, full of laughter and assurance.  Off and on through the years, I’ve thought about their comfort with him, and it’s almost like he’s the real maknae of our group.

Daesung hyung always offered those three his large-hearted, open-smiled, self-sacrificing support from the start.  No joke was unfunny, no secret too juicy or no burden too heavy for hyung to keep their confidence. 

Meanwhile, I’ve always struggled with my place and role within our team, but particularly so in those crucial early years.  I wasn’t used to being the youngest, and let’s face it, my personality just isn’t one to easily be second to someone, anyone.  After a while, the hyungs just became more comfortable with Daesung hyung as their always-there-whatever-you-need maknae.

I actually understand it, and there’s really one thing that I wish I could change. 

I wish I could have been Daesungah for hyung.  To be the shoulders he could tug in a joke, rest on when troubled and jump on when excited.  I’m the only one that he could have been that way with freely, and it never happened because I wasn’t able to give him the reassurance that I’d be there for him.

I regret that my other hyungs won’t act that way with me now, but it hurts me more that he thinks he doesn’t have that person and those shoulders to lean on.  He deserves it, there’s no doubt, but I’ve missed my chance to show him just how much I believe it.