Hakyeon.

I don’t know how to even begin this. I don’t know what words to use, or how formally I should address you. How do I write something like this? We were all told to write a letter, each one of us. A letter to you, they said. I’m not sure I really believe that. How can we? It’s not as if you can read them if we do.

 I don’t think Wonshik will write one. He always did cry the most, second only to you. You both would let your emotions show so plainly if we received a win, but I haven’t seen him cry once since you left. I know he has, I know we all have, but he won’t let any of us see. He spends all his time alone.

Sanghyuk is trying to be strong. He thinks to himself as an adult now, and thinks he has to be like stone. He’s still so young, he’s still a child no matter what he thinks, but he tries to give strength to the other members. As leader, you would be proud of him. He learnt that from you.

Jaehwan, he tries to be like an energy pill, like a bright bulb in a very dark room, but it’s difficult for him too. He finds great strength in Hongbin, who tells him it’s alright to show that he’s upset in times like this. We’re all dealing with this in individual ways, but perhaps Hongbin’s is the most healthy.

These letters. They’re letters to ourselves, I think. Our thoughts. Our feelings. Our regrets.

I have so many regrets.

But what do I say? You know I’m no good with words and that I find expressing myself difficult, even like this. Before, when I couldn’t find the words I needed you were always there to fill in the beats I had missed. I was improving, our fans would notice and say so, but these days it has gotten hard again.

Still, I always could talk to you the best. Even when I didn’t say a word, you could understand me better than anyone else could. It was always like that. When we met, you greeted me warmly, like a sun stretching out its beams to touch everyone with its light. I was wary of you then, for if you were like a sun, then I was the moon, and I felt we were too different. But you never avoided me.

Even during our trainee days, when we were the two oldest there, you made sure I knew that I could rely on you. Even during the hardships of a survival show, you were kind to me, kind to everyone. Yes, you were strict, but you were fair. Even though others thought I was cold or thought I was too cruel, you would put your arm around my shoulder and not once did you push me away.

You weren’t our leader back then, but I would have followed you anyway. Is that silly? Is it strange? You probably would have said so, but I know you better than that. You would have been proud of yourself if I had told you.

Ah, but I was rude to you, wasn’t I? There were times where I was childish, or where I was irritable, and I took it out on you. I expected you to get angry with me as others did, to yell at me or shut me out, but you never did. As a friend, you accepted that that’s how I was. I felt lucky.

You never hated me, but so many of our fans thought that I hated you. I would push you away, slapping your hand away when you touched my face or shaking your arm off whenever you put it around me. I would say that you were annoying, that you were loud or that you bothered me. Some fans saw all of this and assumed things, but I never hated you.

I would snap at you, stressed because of schedules or because I was pulled thin from trying to be appealing, from trying to be as entertaining and as outgoing as the other members, but you never grew irritated with me. You understood. You never lost the patience that was both entirely you, and at the same time, was something you had learned in your role as our leader. You would sit with me and talk, and I knew then as I know now that you would always be someone who showed great concern for me when my condition was at its worst. That you were someone who cared for me above all else, and who could calm me just as quickly as you could raise my temper.

Is that too much? Am I saying too much? I thought this would be difficult, that I would struggle in finding the words to say to you, but perhaps it is easier when you can’t hear me.

You never questioned why someone like me chose a life like this. I would often see comments that said things like “why is someone so shy an idol?” or “why is someone so boring trying to entertain” and although I tried not to let it show, comments like those bothered me. To be honest, sometimes I questioned these things myself. Not when I was on stage, not when I was Leo, but when I had time to myself. In those brief moments we received to reflect on our performances, I thought “Jung Taekwoon, are you boring? Are you really doing enough?”

But at the end of the day, you would always do your best as our leader, and would always congratulate us and yourself for the hard work we did. We practised until our bodies ached, skipped meals and sleep in order to improve, in order to have a better image, and not once did you tell us that we weren’t doing the right thing. Even when times were the most difficult for us, even when we received harsh criticisms that could have broken us, you were our backbone, our support system, the drive that pushed us further than we thought was possible.

I don’t think I ever thanked you for that. Not as much as you deserved. How could I have known I wouldn’t get the chance?

Ah, my hand is shaking now. I’m glad you can’t see me like this.

I don’t think I’ve ever quite lived up to my name, to the identity of “Leo” but there were times when I roared at you all the same. To say you were patient with me isn’t to say that sometimes I couldn’t push you too far. Sometimes you fought back, more so than the playful annoyance that you showed to the cameras.

I always hurt when we fought. I think you did too, and it usually ended quickly but once you began to ignore me. I wanted to get angry at how stubborn you were being, and angrier still each time you gave me the cold shoulder, but if I’m honest with you now, I was scared. Scared that you would no longer wish to be my friend and terrified that you would change your mind about me.

I don’t know how long you intended to keep it up, but once I got over my pride and spoke to you, the relief I felt when you spoke back was almost greater than any personal victory I’ve ever had. Saying this now, it makes my mouth taste bitter, but I thought then that losing you in that way would be too much. Too terrible of a thing to have you there beside me, yet to have you ignore me and only speak to me when you had to. To have you keep your hands to yourself at all times, and to have you never call my name again when you were still so close.

I was foolish. I know now that there are much worse ways to lose a person.

Hakyeon, would you believe it? I’m crying. Even as I write these words to you, I’m crying on to the page. My handwriting has become so messy and the ink has started to run.

It was so unexpected. The news filtered from reporters, to management, to the public and then finally to us. We were expecting you to return from filming any day. You sent me texts each night complaining that the outfits you had to wear were too hot, or bragging that you were getting meat on set each day, or simply asking me how my day was. If I had rested enough. If I was healthy. My replies were short and clipped. I acted like I was annoyed by how you mothered me, but really I was thankful.

I still have your texts. Each one. I feel I should be embarrassed admitting this, but I find that I’m not.

You never came back from your schedule. I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain that hurt so much. Even when my leg was injured, even when my nerves and bones screamed with every moment, nothing could compare to what I felt when I heard those words.

Hakyeon, he...there was an accident. No, he isn’t in the hospital right now. The crash. The impact, it...Hakyeon, he didn’t make it. He passed away.

Wonshik left the room first. Jaehwan tells me he’s been writing, but I don’t know what.

I can't look at the reports. I can't look at SNS, or read condolences, or see any pictures from the crash. I'm not so naive as to deny that it happened. As much as I wish I could be ignorant, or that I could lie to myself and deny everything, I won't. I can't.

We haven’t been told yet what will happen to us, whether or not we will be separated or if we will continue as five members. If I’m honest with you now, I don’t know which will be worse. A part of me thinks that if we are separated, then that will be the end of our dream, that we will never be able to make it as idols again. I know there are other things, that new opportunities will arise even in the wake of all of this, but to me at least, losing what I have with VIXX would be just like losing a part of myself. I’ve adjusted, I suppose, and now this is what I know, this is what I call home, but...Hakyeon, another part of me thinks that I will never be able to accept the fact that you are no longer here. 

All of your clothes and your lip balms are still at the dorm. All of your CDs are still in the dance studio, sitting next to the music player that hasn't been touched in weeks. All the memories and remnants of you are you, but you are not.

You always told me I was too sensitive. Hypocrite. You were always the first to cry so if anyone was the sensitive one, it would have been you. Hakyeon, is this too much? I feel like I lost something when you left us. There’s no-one to guide me, and I’m not sure I know what to do. I feel like a child. If we continue, who will lead us? I can’t picture anyone but you.

Am I talking too much? Am I speaking out of turn? I feel now that as I continue to write that my words are getting brazen, but Hakyeon, I feel like my insides are raw.

I miss you.

That’s the first time I’ve said it. To you. To the members. To myself.

I miss you.

I loved

I have alwa

I love you.

Is it cowardly of me to say it like this? I think so. Leo, the cowardly lion.

Cha Hakyeon, I love you.

Perhaps you knew anyway. You loved me in so many ways, just as you loved all of us VIXX members, but maybe it’s selfish of me to want to know if you loved me the most.

I could say that you did. You were my leader and protector. You were my best friend. Perhaps it’s my fault that it was never anything more. Perhaps I shouldn’t have pushed you away so often. But still, you stayed close. It’s my fault that I don’t know if you loved me in the way that I love you, but I know that you loved me all the same, and somehow I will be content to think that that’s enough.

I don’t know if I believe that you can see us now. I don’t know if I can make myself believe something like that, but if there’s even a chance of it, I’d like to think that we still make you proud. We’re a little broken right now, but we will get stronger, I promise you. We’re a little empty right now, but if when things get easier, I want us to fill that emptiness with memories of you. That sounds strange coming from me, right? Strange and sentimental. I think I have changed a little after this, but that’s only to be expected.

It’s getting hard for me to write now. My heart hurts, and it’s getting difficult to see clearly, but if I don’t say these things now, I never will. I don’t want to lock away the things I feel right now, because you aren’t here to help me release them. I’m no good with words, but I hope that my honesty right now is expressing all the little things I can’t say.

I love you. I miss you. I’m sorry.

Why couldn’t I say those things then?

I love you, Hakyeon. Thank you for being my leader, my friend, and my strength.

I miss you, Hakyeon. Be safe on your activities. Don’t overwork yourself, and come home soon.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for so much, Hakyeon. You were always apologising for me. Because I was reserved, you apologised for having to speak for me. Whenever I made mistakes on stage, you apologised to the fans and staff and said that you should have trained me better. But I am the one who should be sorry.

I’m sorry I made things difficult. I’m sorry I hugged you so little. I’m sorry that I thanked you so rarely. I’m sorry for so many things, but I feel a little bit happy because I know you would have forgiven me had I only asked.

Is this what they call closure? I wonder if the other members wrote as much.

I’m going to end this here, if that’s alright. I feel I have more to say, but that if I say it, I will only find myself hurting more. I don’t know if this will help me. I wish I could have said these things to you instead to this piece of paper, but realistically I know that if that were they case, they would have never been said at all. Maybe it’s better like this. Maybe this way, in time, I will start to feel like myself again. That’s what you would have wanted for all of us.

I will be much stronger from now on, Hakyeon. Not just for you, but for myself and for the others. It’s not right for us to suffer alone. Even now, with you gone, we are still a team. We are still a family. The fans suffer too, and we must smile for them just a little, no matter how difficult it is right now.

I won’t say goodbye. Not yet. Instead, I will say thank you.

Thank you.

I miss you.

I love you.

Taekwoon.