The last thing Chanyeol remembered about his mother was the view of her back as she walked away after telling six-year-old him to “stay put, okay? Mommy will come back and get you real soon. Promise.”

 

Chanyeol had waited. And waited some more. His mother had not come back.

 

That was twenty years ago.

 

Now, Chanyeol stared at his phone for a good ten seconds after he hung up, not sure what to make of the conversation he just had.

 

Bare arm encircled his waist, a bit cool from the shower, and Chanyeol instinctively leaned back as his husband dropped his chin on Chanyeol’s left shoulder. “You’ve giving your phone a disturbing amount of your attention,” Kris commented lightly. “You didn’t even hear me calling. If you didn’t have this odd look like you were expecting it to turn into a living creature and bite you, I would’ve felt jealous.”

 

That earned a chuckle from Chanyeol. He turned to press his face on the junction where Kris’ shoulder met his neck and sniffed. Kris smelled of lime, musk, and a hint of mint, and Chanyeol felt a bit heady just from inhaling his fresh-out-of-shower scent. “Mmm, you smell delicious,” he murmured.

 

“Yeah?” Kris’ other arm went around Chanyeol’s other side, completely trapping him in Kris’ embrace. “I’m afraid I can’t say the same about you, sweetheart. You smell like glue, sweat, and the traffic. Not that I don’t love smelling your sweat, but the additional features kind of obliterate the appeal.” However, he tightened his arms around Chanyeol’s waist instead of moving away, a clear sign that the appeal he just spoke of had not been the slightest bit obliterated.

 

“The kids needed extra hands to put up posters for the recital today,” said Chanyeol to Kris’ neck.

 

“Hmm. And of course Mr. Nice-is-My-Middle-Name Chanyeol had to help them. Poor little children, working hard to organize a very important end of year school recital,” said Kris softly in a teasing manner.

 

“They’re teenagers, not little children, you .”

 

“Uhuh. If you say so. Now, Mr. Wu, what is it?” asked Kris, his voice still soft but laced with concern.

 

Chanyeol lifted his head off of Kris’ shoulder and turned around in his embrace to be able to properly face Kris. It was still a bit strange to be called that instead of his former name. It shouldn’t be, though. Chanyeol just needed more time to wrap his head around the fact that he was no longer Chanyeol Park the abandoned kid; he was Chanyeol Wu, Beakmantown middle school counselor and husband of Kris Wu, who was a graduate teaching assistant at their university and an all around amazing person.

 

Chanyeol leaned back a little and let Kris’ arms on his back keep him from falling over. Looking at Kris in the eye to show just how bewildered he currently was, Chanyeol finally said, “It’s my mom. She just…called. And said she wanted to meet me. Somewhere. If I want to, that is.”

 

Kris’ expression told Chanyeol everything he needed to know about how Kris felt about the news.

 

“Your mom?” he said slowly, deliberately. “As in your real mother?”

 

“Yeah,” Chanyeol said, but his voice suddenly sounded croaky. “She said she got my number from the Home. Said she’s wanted to look for me for a long time. She said – Kris, she said she missed me and wanted to see me in person. After all this time. What do I do?”

 

 

***

 

 

The day Kris first met Chanyeol was a particularly cold day in late November. Kris had gone to Campus Express on his way back from classes to pick up some yakisoba and the chocolate chips he was a little addicted to. It was Friday and he already had his weekend plan mapped out in his head. It involved: a) a crazy amount of sleep, b) some reading for his upcoming finals, and c) lots and lots of junk food.

 

He walked out of the convenience store after making his purchase and his right to make his way to the closest exit to his dorm. Some students were setting up tables, lining them into a long counter. A long deep red clothe was spread over the countertop and soon after the students started putting up boxes and stacks of paper on top of it. Kris, not realizing he had stopped walking, was pulled out of his trance by an unfamiliar voice.

 

“Hello. You want to participate in the Secret Santa Project? Project HELP! is recruiting volunteers to be secret Santas for Meadowbrook nursing home. We’re sending the gifts on Friday next week and the staff will distribute them to the residents on Christmas day. So what do you think? Wanna be one of our secret Santas?” All was said in a single breath.

 

Kris had to take a few seconds to process what the guy had spouted off at him before it started making sense. “Oh,” he said to the tiny guy looking at him with wide smile, rows of white teeth almost blinding Kris’ sore eyes. “That sounds interesting.”

 

“It is!” tiny guy exclaimed enthusiastically. “Here.” He a piece of paper onto Kris with lightning speed that Kris didn’t get to refuse before he suddenly had what appeared to be ‘Project HELP! 2009 Secret Santa Registration Form’ in his hands. “You can go over there to sign up. Thank you!” tiny guy said, gesturing at the counter’s general direction before turning away from Kris to approach a female student coming their way from the library.

 

“Hello there! We’re looking for Santas for Project HELP! Secret Santa for Meadowbrook Nursing Home. Do you wanna join us?”

 

Still flabbergasted, Kris shook his head and made his way to the counter, where another guy was busy arranging the stacks of papers from the boxes. “Um.” was Kris’ remarkable attempt at eloquence. That, however, did catch the guy’s attention and he raised his head to greet Kris. “Oh, Hi! What can I help you with?” he said brightly. Aw, . And Kris thought tiny guy’s toothy smile was blinding. Apparently it didn’t stand a chance in the presence of this person’s own dazzling grin. Kris could literally see those teeth sparkle. It affected Kris’ brain in a weird way and he kind of halted in place and stared.

 

“Oh! You must want to sign up as our secret Santa!” dazzling smile said in his surprisingly deep voice. “I see you already got your form. So if you can fill in your information and let us know how to contact you, that’ll be awesome. Here you can use this pen.”

 

Kris’ body moved on autopilot, taking the pen offered to him and bent over a bit to write down his name, phone number, email, and address on campus on the registration form. Dazzling smile didn’t talk to him while he was writing but went back to arranging the stack of papers, which was a shame since Kris wished he had. He decided to focus on making his handwriting look as legible as possible rather than dwelling on why on earth such thoughts came upon him. Once he completed the form, he stood there and waited for the guy to finish his task because, well, voicing out real words to let the guy know he was done was kind of beyond him at the moment.

 

“Oh, you’re done?” said Dazzling Smile once he noticed that Kris was no longer writing. “Great! Here.” He picked up a piece of paper from the stack and offered it to Kris. “It’s a list of things you can pick as a gift. You can get each for less that $20, we made sure of that. Gifts are submitted next Thursday the latest. You can just drop by the Project HELP! office anytime between 8 am to 6 pm and hand in your gift. Please make sure you wrap it. And if you want to give more than one gifts, you’re welcome to. Just, let us know because we keep track to make sure we have the correct number of gifts. You can do so by sending me an email at the address you can find below the list. Now, do you have any question?”

 

“Uh. No. No question,” Kris said.

 

“Awesome,” said Dazzling Smile with even a more dazzling smile. “Thank you very much for your participation. I’ll look forward to seeing you come round the office.”

 

“Yeah. Me too.”

 

“Thank you. Have a good day!”

 

“Yeah. You too,” said Kris. He immediately turned around and made his way to the exit before he could humiliate himself more. He didn’t run because that would cause a scene, but he walked really, really quickly.

 

On his way to the dorm Kris couldn’t get over how much he’d sounded like an idiot in front of Dazzling Smile earlier. Saying ‘yeah, me too’ when the guy said he looked forward to seeing him stop by at the Project HELP! office to drop his gift like some dumbstruck idiot, which he kind of was. But Kris was a dumbstruck idiot who was also a communication major and that was just tragic.

 

 

***

 

From Kris:

Let me know when you finish work.

I’ll pick you up.

 

To Kris:

I told you I would.

You’re showing an early sign of Alzheimer, dear, it’s worrying.

 

From Kris:

I didn’t forget, you dork.

Just reminding you to actually do it.

Did you have lunch?

 

To Kris:

I did. We had beef curry and rice today.

And I get off work in one and a half hours.

Just reminding you in case you forget ;)

 

From Kris:

Don’t worry.

I’ll be there when you walk out the gate.

 

True to his word, Kris’ car was already parked across the street when Chanyeol stepped out of the school gate. Chanyeol quickly crossed the distance in his long swift steps and got into the car, giving Kris a peck on the lips before fastening his seatbelt. They drove in silence, but Chanyeol could feel the slight tension coming off from Kris’ direction the whole way. He ignored it because he knew Kris would voice out what was in his mind eventually.

 

Kris stopped in front of the Greek restaurant and turned to face Chanyeol. “You sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” he asked.

 

There it was.

 

Chanyeol gave him a small smile. “I need to do it myself.” He leaned in and gave Kris a quick kiss. “I’ll be alright, don’t worry,” he said.

 

“I know you will,” said Kris, reaching out a hand to grasp Chanyeol’s. “I’ll see you at home.”

 

“I’ll be there when you get back from work,” Chanyeol assured him.

 

He was about to open the passenger door when Kris pulled him in for another kiss, this one longer and with more tongues involved.

 

“Hey,” Kris murmured against Chanyeol’s lips. “You’ll be fine.”

 

“Yeah,” breathed Chanyeol, feeling the tension leaving his body as Kris softly rubbed the back of his neck. Weird. He hadn’t even realized he was nervous before, but now he noticed his hands were actually shaking.

 

“It’s okay, Chanyeol. Take your time,” said Kris softly, pulling Chanyeol’s body closer to his with an arm around Chanyeol’s back.

 

Chanyeol was tempted to rest his head on Kris’ shoulder and stay there or maybe ask Kris to drive off and take him home instead, but he squashed that feeling and pulled away instead.

 

“I’m alright. I can do this,” he said in an attempt to convince both Kris and himself.

 

“Okay,” Kris said, retracting his hands from Chanyeol. “Call me if you need anything. Actually, I can wait here and drive you home after.”

 

“No, it’s fine. You have classes. I’ll take a cab,” said Chanyeol.

 

“Promise me you’ll call if anything happens.”

 

“I won’t promise,” said Chanyeol, smiling. “But I will call you.”

 

Kris shook his head. “Sorry. Just – I love you.”

 

“I know. Love you too.” Chanyeol dove in for another quick kiss before turning away to open the car door and getting off. This time Kris didn’t try to stop him.

 

“Drive safely,” Chanyeol said, waving his good bye from the sidewalk.

 

Kris waved back then made a ‘call me’ sign with his left hand before driving off.

 

Chanyeol stayed rooted there for a while, watching Kris’ car until it disappear at the intersection. He took a deep breath and braced himself before finally turning around and making his way into the restaurant.

 

 

***

 

 

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: I’m giving three gifts

 

Hi! It’s Kris Wu. I signed up on your Secret Santa project last Friday.

I’m writing to notify that I decided to buy two extra gifts.

I’ll come by to drop them tomorrow around 4.

 

Thanks.

 

-Kris Wu

 

 

To: [email protected]

From: [email protected]

Subject: Re: I’m giving three gifts

 

Hello!

Thanks for letting me know.

And thank you so much for giving three gifts!

Unfortunately, I have tutoring tomorrow at 4.

But don’t worry, there will be someone else tending the office

so you can still drop by. Thanks again for signing up for our project!

 

Have a good day!

 

Chanyeol Park

 

 

Feeling irrationally more upset than he thought he should, Kris closed his email and opened a new tab. He was supposed to be doing an internet research for his essay on mass media propaganda. Well, he thought distractedly while typing in his keywords on the search bar, at least I can stop calling him Dazzling Smile now. For a supposedly smart guy he surely came up with ridiculous nicknames.

 

Kris did not see Chanyeol when he dropped off his gifts, but later that evening Kris saw him sitting with a bunch of other students at Sundowner Dining Hall, or the Downer – what all Plattsburgh State students affectionately called it. He was wearing a fuzzy red sweater and a matching beanie, eating fries in between laughing and talking animatedly with his friends. Kris didn’t go over to their table to say hi, because that would just be weird. Instead, he put more ketchup into his takeaway dinner box than he normally would and made his way to the exit before Chanyeol noticed him looking. He did sneak a last glance at his direction though, because the guy looked very good in red.

 

Over the period of a week Kris saw Chanyeol several times, which was odd. He was walking out of his College Writing class into the student center and Chanyeol was at a table on the far corner of the room, looking like he was explaining something to another student. So he was a tutor, Kris thought, and continued walking because he didn’t have time to spare if he didn’t want to be late for his next class at Hawkins Hall, which was on the other side of campus. The next afternoon Kris was waiting in line at Subway when he saw Chanyeol dashing toward the direction of the library, his ginger hair flopping along with every step. And Kris was stepping out of his residence hall in the morning the next day and noticed Chanyeol crossing the street to Memorial Hall. It was like the guy was all over the place and Kris could not figure out why he had never noticed Chanyeol before, since he seemed to have an uncanny ability to tell the guy apart even from a distance now.

 

The week after that was finals week and Kris, like many other students, spent most of his waking hours in the library studying and finishing final papers. Weirdly, he did not once see Chanyeol there.

 

Two days before the end of the semester Kris received an email from Project HELP! thanking everyone who participated in the Secret Santa project, and wishing them a great vacation and merry Christmas. Kris wondered if Chanyeol wrote that email. He did not send a reply.

 

The day after his last final Kris carpooled with some acquaintances to Montreal, where they dropped him off at the airport. He was almost late for his flight and had to rush to the check in counter. As his plane to Vancouver took off, Kris wondered where Chanyeol would be spending his winter vacation.

 

 

***

 

 

Chanyeol used to wonder all the time why his mother left him in front of the Home when he was six. Though most of the children at the Home had been orphans, there had been three other kids who were like him, left by their parents at the front door. But none of them really remembered being abandoned because when it happened they were all still babies. Chanyeol used to spend hours thinking about that; in between doing his chores, before he went to sleep, and in the morning when he was getting ready for the day. It was like his mother had once wanted him and then stopped.

 

Chanyeol wondered why his mother stopped wanting him. He wondered if he had not been good enough, if feeding and taking care of him had been to much for his mother, if he should have done more than just doing his homework and telling her about school and his friends. He’d thought maybe he should have helped her with her work too, because she was always working and often looked tired.

 

He knew, now, whatever the reason his mother abandoned him it had not been his fault. But for years Chanyeol had thought maybe it was. That might be the reason why he didn’t really know how to react now, facing this woman who was apologizing to him over and over for leaving him there, in front of the orphanage, saying “I’m so sorry, Chanyeol. You have no idea how sorry I was. I didn’t leave you there because I didn’t love you. I just – life was really hard at that time and I needed to figure a lot of things out, and taking you with me… I just – it was hard. And I was not strong enough.” The woman was crying while saying all this while Chanyeol only sat there and stared at his iced tea.

 

If it were a student or the parent of a student, Chanyeol would know what to do, but this woman was neither. She was his mother, but she was also a stranger. Chanyeol tried to put the face into the few memories he had about his mother and it just didn’t fit because this woman looked so different from the woman Chanyeol called mother twenty years ago.

 

Chanyeol had thought, when he finally met his mother he would feel happy. He might get angry and demand answers for all the questions he had while growing up. He might even blame her for the hardships he had to endure. He might tell her about waking up long before the other kids at the Home did, about helping out at the kitchen and cleaning the bathrooms, about the trust issue he had never really managed to cure himself of. But he’d thought, even despite everything, he would feel happy. Now, sitting in front of the mother he had missed for twenty years and listening to her talking about the situation that had driven her to leave him behind, Chanyeol only felt sad. He felt sad that her life had been so hard that she’d thought she didn’t have any other choice but to sacrifice her child, and he felt sad that no matter how much she might have loved him, he had still been abandoned. 

 

In the end, Chanyeol pushed the tissue box toward the woman, silently wishing she would stop crying. Because if she didn’t he thought he might start crying himself and that would just be embarrassing.

 

“I’m sorry I’m making a scene,” she said, dabbing her face with a tissue. She looked up to face Chanyeol and offered a smile. “Now look at you. I can’t believe how big you’ve become. And so handsome too.  I heard you work at a school. Are you a teacher?”

 

Now, this conversation Chanyeol could do. He straightened up in his seat and started talking about what his job as a middle school counselor entailed and the kinds of students he dealt with.

 

When they parted – his mother leaving with a taxi two hours later, Chanyeol felt so wary he wished he could just wish himself home and have Kris there to cuddle him to sleep. 

 

 

***

 

 

Kris tightened the scarf around his neck and burrowed his face deeper into the thick fabric to keep his mouth and nose from the biting cold. It had rained again last night and Kris had almost skipped his morning class knowing how chilly it would be outside. His first class today was at Sibley Hall, a whole ten minutes walk from his dorm. But in the end he decided to get up and get ready because as much of a pain the walk would be, Kris hated missing a class more. Besides, this class was one of his favorites this semester.

 

He didn’t have time to grab breakfast but he was free after his first class. Kris was thinking about what to do before his next class this afternoon while taking care not to step on any puddle from melting snow when a vaguely familiar voice coming from the playground outside of the child care center at Sibley brought him out of his reverie. Kris turned his head toward the snow covered playground and saw a lanky guy chasing a toddler. The guy was laughing all the way, and it didn’t take Kris a minute to realize that it was Chanyeol, wearing a red fluffy down coat and a pair of black snow boots that reached halfway up to his calf. His orange head was covered by a matching red knitted cap. And staring at him now, playing chase with a kid not even half his height and looking like it was the best thing to do in a freezing cold Monday morning in winter, Kris was hit by the realization that he had missed him terribly.

 

The next time Kris saw Chanyeol was in the library on Thursday. This time Kris threw all of his hesitation out the window and approached him before he could talk himself out of it.

 

Two hours later Kris walked back to his dorm with Chanyeol’s phone number and a plan to hang out that weekend.

 

 

***

 

 

Chanyeol fell asleep on the couch waiting for Kris to come home. More than once he had been tempted to just make the call, knowing Kris would drop everything and come home to him. But Chanyeol couldn’t get himself to do it. Chanyeol understood duty and responsibility, and he did not want Kris to abandon his just to coddle him.

 

He woke up to the feeling of being moved. It was like he was on a hammock and someone was swaying him. Then he realized the hammock was actually arms. Kris had come back and was picking him up bridal stile and taking him somewhere. Bedroom, his brain sluggishly supplied.

 

“You came back. Missed you,” Chanyeol murmured sleepily to Kris’ sweater.

 

He got a chuckle in response. “You’re hopeless,” said Kris fondly. “And so damn heavy. What have you been eating?”

 

“Don’t be an ,” said Chanyeol, managing to open his eyes to mock glare at Kris though he was guessing his attempt at being threatening failed spectacularly. So he settled on playing dirty. He looked up at Kris and put on his most pathetic expression. “My husband is so mean.”

 

That earned him a groan. Then Kris tightened his hold on him and walked faster toward their bedroom. Once inside, Kris gently dropped Chanyeol onto the bed and followed without caring to take off his layers of clothing first. He lain down with his back against the headrest, and Chanyeol immediately rolled over to drape himself all over him – their favorite cuddling position.

 

Kris lifted a hand to run through Chanyeol’s hair and Chanyeol let out a long sigh of relief.

 

“Was it very hard earlier?” Kris asked in a soft voice against the top of Chanyeol’s head.

 

“Mhmm.. There was a lot of crying,” said Chanyeol, trying to burrow himself deeper against Kris.

 

“Did you cry?”

 

Chanyeol shook his head. “It was a close thing though.”

 

“How are you feeling now?” asked Kris.

 

Chanyeol took his time working out an answer in his head and came up with nothing coherent enough to express in words. “I’m not…really sure,” he said finally. “I didn’t know what to expect before seeing her. I’m no longer the same boy stuck in an orphanage waiting for his mother to come back and take him away from there, you know… I came to terms with most of my issues growing up, I guess. I know I still have bad days and you know I still can’t trust people that easily, but I’m working on that too.”

 

“I am so sad for her, you know. I can’t imagine how hard life had to be for her and she had no one but a six year old boy who didn’t understand a single thing about suffering. I don’t think I ever hated her for leaving me behind. I was always wishing she would come back because on top of all things I just really missed my mom. I never really stopped wishing, but for years I’ve stopped believing she would ever come back either. The Home was a reminder of how hard my life used to be, but I also got a lot of things there. I met my best friend there, and I learned how to face the real world there. It was because of all that I became the person I am right now, and I don’t regret anything.”

 

“University was hard work. I have no idea how I managed to do all that, you know, classes, tutoring, working at the child care center, project HELP!, and making sure to get good enough grades to keep my scholarship. It’s just…wow,” said Chanyeol, shifting a little to fit his head against the crook of Yifan’s neck and shoulder. “Growing up had been hard, but now I’m where I want to be for the rest of my life. I have a job that I love, I have my kids at school, I have the people back at the Home, and I have a best friend living two hours away. Most important of all, I have you. And I don’t have the slightest clue where she could fit in.”

 

“Well,” Kris trailed off as he put his arms around Chanyel’s back. “If you really want her to, you can always make some space. Like the one you made for me, remember?”

 

“Hmm.. Yeah, I think so. But it won’t be easy,” said Chanyeol. “It’s been twenty years. We have a lot of bridges to cross.”

 

“It’s alright. Just do it on your own pace, Chanyeol. She will understand.”

 

“Mmm.. You know what? You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I was so lucky you decided to fall in love with me for some unfathomable reason.”

 

“I did not decide to fall in love with you, you moron. I just did,” Kris said in fond exasperation.

 

“Like I said, unfathomable,” Chanyeol insisted.

 

Kris shook his head; Chanyeol knew he had his unbelieving face on.

 

“You remember what you said to me when you proposed?” Chanyeol asked.

 

“I recall I said a lot of things, Chanyeol. Which part are you talking about?”

 

“You know which part, you .”

 

“‘I want to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together’? God, that line was overly cheesy. No wonder it got stuck in your head.”

 

“Hmm… Can I get that hug now?”

 

Kris didn’t bother to respond with words, settling on hugging Chanyeol so tight Chanyeol swore their heartbeats meshed together.

 

 

***

 

 

Chanyeol, Kris thought after spending a couple times hanging out and getting to know him, was an enigma. Kris really could not come up with a more appropriate word to describe him because the guy was such a mystery.

 

The first thing Kris noticed about Chanyeol was that he was always moving; the guy never stayed still. Even when he was talking he talked with his whole body, the muscles on his face changing his expression every so often and his hands making these erratic gestures that Kris somehow found cute instead of irritating. Moreover, Chanyeol always seemed to have so much to do. Kris knew he was a tutor and a member of Project HELP!, which meant he had to do some volunteering somewhere around Plattsburgh every week. When Kris mentioned about seeing him at Sibley, Chanyeol told him that he worked part-time at the daycare center. That made him a tutor, a volunteer, and part-time baby sitter on top of a full-time university student with classes, assignment, and papers to deal with, and that was just a lot take in. Kris wondered how the hell Chanyeol still had time to hang out with him and his other friends.

 

Then one day when they were having lunch together Chanyeol mentioned he was actually a Psychology and Education double major and Kris felt like he had just got kicked in the gut. Because Kris himself was doing Communication Studies and Business Administration and already felt like he was putting too much on his plate.

 

“You’re not a robot, are you?” Kris asked, incredulous. Chanyeol laughed at him instead of answering. And Kris could only stare from across the table, transfixed, because when Chanyeol laughed the rest of his body also laughed with him. That, Kris thought, might just be one of the most charming things he had ever seen.

 

There were days, however, when Chanyeol was quiet and listless, and instead of his usual boisterous greeting of “Yo, Kris! Wassup?” he would greet Kris with a soft “Hey”. On these days Chanyeol would still move a lot, but instead of making those wild hand gestures that Kris had grown to adore, he would run a hand through his hair or rub the back of his neck. When Kris asked whether something was up he only said, “Sorry. It’s just not a good day today,” and offered no further explanation.  Kris didn’t dare to pry so he took out a book and read instead. Chanyeol seemed to appreciate this, because when they parted before heading off to their respective classes he would smile up at Kris, a small but sincere smile, and said, “Thanks.”

 

Chanyeol would have his bad days from time to time and every time the two of them would just sit down and work on their assignment, or read. It was a good thing that they both had a lot of reading to do, Kris thought. But even though he didn’t have the courage to ask, he worried about Chanyeol’s well-being and could not help but wonder there had to be a reason behind Chanyeol’s bad days and his doing so many things at the same time. Kris worried that Chanyeol was pushing himself too hard. He started thinking about what he could do to help Chanyeol, and he was writing down a list of approaches he could make to get Chanyeol to open up to him when he was hit by the realization that he was getting too emotionally invested in the guy.

 

This is getting dangerous, he thought, and went to call his best friend.

 

“It seems to me, my friend, you are in love,” is what Luhan said after Kris finished relaying his account.

 

Kris let out a defeated sigh. “I dreaded you’d say that.”

 

“You don’t think you are? Because to me you seem so in love with this guy it’s borderline obsessive, man.”

 

“No,” Kris said. “I do. It’s just – it feels more real now that I’ve heard you saying it.”

 

Luhan’s melodious laugh was heard from the other end of the line. Kris shook his head in exasperation. Luhan always found pleasure in his misfortune. Not that falling in love with Chanyeol was a misfortune, no matter how complex the guy might seem. Kris preferred to call it a challenge.

 

“So, what’re you gonna do?” asked Luhan.

 

“Well… Tell him?”

 

 

***

 

 

Before they parted in front of the restaurant, Chanyeol’s mother looked down on Chanyeol’s left hand with this odd expression before looking up at him with a self deprecating smile. “Will I get to meet her?” she asked.

 

Chanyeol didn’t understand what she was talking about at first, but then he looked down on his own left hand and noticed the ring around his ring finger. “Oh,” he said, and paused.

 

Chanyeol stared at the gold and platinum band and thought of Kris’ expectant face as he went down on one knee and said, ‘I’ve never told you this, but I think I’ve been in love with you since the first day we met. The day you accepted my feelings was still one of the best days in my life. You are not perfect. You hog the blanket and you can never stay still even when you’re asleep and it drives me crazy. You have your bad days, you have your thing against promises, and you are broken in so many places. But Chanyeol, you are the most exceptional, kind, beautiful, and amazing person I have ever met. You make me want to do so many things. I want to work harder for you because god knows how hard you work. I want to make you smile and laugh all the time, because I think the sound of your laugh is one of the most beautiful sounds ever. I want to hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together. Because you make me happy, and I want to do everything I can to make you happy. So will you stay with me, for the rest of my life? Will you marry me?’

 

It was a terribly cheesy proposal, and Kris had done that in a French restaurant of all places. But Chanyeol had tear up a bit nonetheless. Because, cheesy it might have been, but Chanyeol knew Kris meant every single word. And he had been proving that every day. Kris was a large part of Chanyeol’s life. Kris was the best part of Chanyeol’s life. So Chanyeol looked up and offered his first sincere smile to his mother and said, “Next time, maybe next week or the week after that, I will introduce you to him.”

 

At first his mother looked confused, but then she got what he was telling her and her expression became unreadable. “Ah,” she said. “I will call you later then.”

 

 

“Don’t you think it’s too soon, telling her about us when the two of you just reunited?” Kris asked after Chanyeol told him. “I mean, you don’t want to work on getting to know each other better before letting her know about all this?”

 

“No,” Chanyeol said, snuggling closer into Kris’ embrace. “You are part of who I am now. If she’s planning to stick around she needs to understand that. And if she can’t deal with it then, well, better to find out sooner rather than later.”

 

“So,” said Kris after a moment. “What happens if she can’t accept me?”

 

“Well, she doesn’t really have a leg to stand, now does she? I mean, to be frank, I’m more concerned about you not liking her than the other way around. I think – well, of course I would be sad if she can’t accept that I married a man, but she hasn’t been around for a long time and it won’t really affect me if she decides she doesn’t want a gay son after all.”

 

“Don’t even try to lie to me. Of course it will. She’s your mother. But let’s hope it won’t come down to that, because I don’t want you to have to choose between your mother and me.”

 

“Why?” asked Chanyeol. “Are you feeling insecure about your place in my heart?”

 

“No, you moron. Because you shouldn’t have to choose.”

 

“Hmm. You’re the best, Kris. I love you. Now shut up, I want to go back to sleep.”

 

“Alright, your majesty. I’m going to go take a shower,” said Kris.

 

“No,” said Chanyeol, tightening his arms around Kris. “Stay.”

 

And Kris did.

 

 

***

 

 

Kris was the kind of guy who worked for what he wanted and disliked sitting around waiting. So after realizing the gravity of his feelings for Chanyeol, Kris did not wait and let himself worry about what ifs. Besides, he had a hunch Chanyeol also had feelings for him, though only a little.

 

Kris did not expect for Chanyeol’s expression to fall the moment he confessed, however. Neither did he expect Chanyeol to rush out of the library without even bothering to zip his bag, like he couldn’t stand being in Kris’ presence even a second longer.

 

Kris didn’t expect himself to feel so hurt either. It was astonishing, in a painful sort of way.

 

They didn’t see each other for weeks after that, though Kris still noticed Chanyeol passing  by or walking from afar because he couldn’t seem to turn off his ‘Chanyeol radar’ or whatever it was about him that could detect Chanyeol even from hundreds yards away. Kris wanted to talk to him and tell him it was okay if Chanyeol didn’t feel the same, they could still be friends. That was half a lie, though, because it was not okay. But Kris did still want Chanyeol as a friend. In the end he decided to give Chanyeol some space for a while.

 

However, Kris didn’t expect missing Chanyeol this time would be harder than the first time. But of course it would, because now he knew what it felt like to have Chanyeol around in the first place. Kris was thinking about giving Chanyeol a call to settle things between them, and at least gain his friend back, on his way up to his room after spending almost six hours at the library when he noticed someone standing outside his door. Kris walked closer and realized that the person was Chanyeol, wearing a grey oversized hoodie that was too thin for the weather outside.

 

Chanyeol straightened up when he saw Kris coming. He looked so frail in that hoodie and Kris had this weird urge to pull him close, to keep the cold away. “Hey,” he said, offering Kris a weak smile. “You finally came back. You made me wait a long time. I hate waiting, you know.”

 

“I didn’t know you were waiting for me,” said Kris, feeling puzzled but also gratified that Chanyeol was finally, finally talking to him.

 

“I know. I ran here before I could talk myself out of it and when I got here and found out you were not inside it was too cold to go back out.”

 

“Oh. Good. I mean, I’m glad you waited for me,” said Kris, shifting in his spot a little. “I think we should talk. You know, about what I said the other day.”

 

Chanyeol rubbed the back of his neck and nodded. “Yeah. About that. I… I’m sorry I ran off like that. You caught me off guard and I reacted like an idiot. I left you behind without saying anything and that was so not okay because you must have felt bad. I’m so sorry.”

 

“It’s – it’s okay. I mean, I did feel bad, a little. But I wasn’t mad at you or anything. I’m sorry I surprised you with what I said. I just thought – well, forget what I thought. The point is, I don’t mind if you don’t feel the same, okay? We can still be friends. I want us to keep being friends,” said Kris. He felt relieved after finally being able to say that to Chanyeol. There was this odd twinge in his chest as he voiced it out and the feeling lingered even after he finished. Kris ignored it.

 

Chanyeol stared at Kris for a few seconds with this strangely blank expression on his face. Kris wished they could just be done with this awkward conversation and moved on.

 

“Can we, um, maybe talk in your room?” asked Chanyeol, looking around self-consciously.

 

Kris nodded and went to unlock his door. He had never had Chanyeol in his room before. He’d once taken him to his dorm to get a book he left behind, but Chanyeol had only waited by the door.

 

Kris let Chanyeol in and closed the door after him. “Sorry about the mess,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting any company.” His room wasn’t overly messy or anything, but his dirty clothes from the day before was still in a pile on the corner and he had not yet put the books on his desk away. And he never really made his bed. 

 

 

“It’s fine,” said Chanyeol, standing in the middle of the room, looking adorable and scrawny, and Kris really needed to work on his strange yearning to take Chanyeol into his arms because that would not help with gaining Chanyeol’s friendship back.

 

“You can sit on the chair, or the bed. Just make yourself at home,” said Kris, deciding to stand against the opposing wall.

 

Chanyeol turned to face Kris and said, “I think it’s better for me to do this while standing up.”

 

“Okay…,” Kris trailed off, suddenly feeling nervous. Was Chanyeol going to give him reasons why he could not return Kris’ feelings? Maybe he didn’t even like guys. Damn, why hadn’t Kris thought about it before?

 

“I have never been in a relationship before,” Chanyeol started. “It’s not that I never wanted one, but I’ve always thought that…I’m not really suited for relationships, you know. I have far too many issues than the average person and I don’t really have the time and energy to dedicate to someone else. I struggle just to survive one day after another, how would I be able to fit someone else into my life? And I don’t really understand how things like relationships work, you know. I’m okay with being friends. I can do friendship. Friendship is easy because most friends just let you be and expect nothing from you. But every time I met someone who expected more than friendship from me, I would push them away. Because I knew they only saw the pretty face and the bright smile; they didn’t really know the real person inside. And I didn’t really want them to know. Oh God, I can’t do this.” Chanyeol turned around so his back was facing Kris. He ran both hands over his hair and kept them on the back of his neck, which Kris recognized as his signature agitated gesture.

 

Kris pushed himself off the wall and approached Chanyeol. He put a hand on Chanyeol’s shoulder and gently prodded Chanyeol to turn back to face him. “What are you trying to tell me?” he asked when they were finally face to face.

 

“I –,” Chanyeol tried before pausing. He lifted his head to look at Kris in the eye, and Kris noticed his eyes were blown wide with a flurry of emotions Kris could not really comprehend.

 

“Chanyeol, it’s alright. You don’t have to tell me anything. Why don’t you take a seat?” said Kris, feeling worried because he’d never seen Chanyeol this emotional before.

 

“I’m afraid,” Chanyeol finally said. “When you said you liked me, I was so happy I thought I would burst. Because, wow, this really nice, smart, and gorgeous person likes me how is that possible? But suddenly I got scared, because I don’t know how to deal with it. And I’ve been thinking, what if you only like me for what you see from the outside, you know. What if you see all the not so pretty parts of me and decide you don’t really like me after all. I don’t want that to happen, so I’m afraid. But avoiding you didn’t help. Because then I started missing you and I didn’t like it. And it’s so frustrating.”

 

“Alright. Okay,” Kris cut in gently. “Chanyeol, I’m sorry, but I think you’re over thinking things.”

 

“I know! But I can’t help it. I have all this fears and worries, and a lot other issues that I never wanted to share with anyone before. But for some reason I could not fathom, you are different.”

 

“How am I different?” ask Kris, keeping his voice soft because he could not seem to speak any louder.

 

Chanyeol looked at Kris with this helpless expression. He shrugged and said, “I don’t know. You just – You approached me in the library and waited for me to finish my work before actually starting a conversation. You never minded that I only have like half an hour to spare to hang out with you before going off somewhere. When I’m having a bad day, most of my friends would either nag me to talk to them or leave me alone, but you – you give me space but you never leave. You stay with me even if we only sit there and not talk to each other. And every time we see each other, you look at me like, like I’m the best thing since strawberry shortcake.”

 

“Strawberry shortcake?” Kris couldn’t help but cut in.

 

Chanyeol blushed and covered his face with both hands. “It’s my favorite dessert,” he provided in a muffled voice. “I meant you just look at me like you’re so happy just seeing my face. It’s such a gratifying feeling and it makes me happy. And I want to tell you everything about myself but I’m afraid I’d scare you off.”

 

“Alright. Chanyeol, please sit down.” Kris carefully put both hands on Chanyeol’s shoulders and guided him backward to his bed. He gently pushed Chanyeol down to take a seat on the unmade bed and sat down next to him. Once both of them were settled, Kris retracted his hands from Chanyeol’s shoulder to hold onto Chanyeol’s hands. “Listen,” he said. “It’s alright. You can tell me anything and you won’t scare me off. But if you worry you would, you can always tell me one thing at a time, you know? You don’t need to tell me everything at once. Take your time. Just know that whenever you want to talk, I’m all ears. I’m not perfect either. I have a lot of flaws and shortcomings. But who doesn’t? We’re all humans after all. So please don’t be afraid to tell me anything. I really do like you, you know? I’d really love to know as many things about you as possible. But I think finding out one thing at a time is cool, too. Because I’d also like to be with you for a long time. So what do you say? Is that alright with you?”

 

Chanyeol was still wide eyed, but this time it was from amazement. The beam of the light reflected in his eyes made them sparkle; reminding Kris of the stars he loved watching when he was a kid.

 

“Alright,” Chanyeol finally said.

 

“Alright,” said Kris.

 

“I hate waiting,” said Chanyeol solemnly. “I can’t tell you why right now. But I really, really hate it. So please don’t make me wait for a long time.”

 

“Alright. I won’t make you wait for a long time. I promise.”

 

Chanyeol frowned and shook his head. “Don’t promise me anything. Just say you will or you won’t do it,” he said.

 

“But that’s a promise,” Kris reasoned.

 

“Just don’t say ‘I promise’, please. I hate it.”

 

“Okayy.. so you hate waiting, and you hate promises. What else do you hate?” Kris asked lightly, attempting to ease up the heavy atmosphere.

 

The mischievous smile Chanyeol put on his face showed that it worked. “Well, I don’t hate you,” he said in a playful tone.

 

“That’s reassuring. Thank you for clearing that up,” said Kris.

 

“I actually rather like you a lot.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. Really.”

 

“So can I kiss you?”

 

“Yes, please.”

 

*

 

Two months later, when Kris remembered to tell Chanyeol he was actually an exchange student and had to go back to Vancouver and take another semester in his home university before he could transfer to PSU for good, Chanyeol threw a book at him.

 

An argument ensued, which ended with Chanyeol crying and telling him a story of a six year old boy waiting for his mother who promised to come back for him but never did.

 

“You idiot,” said Kris, pulling Chanyeol into his arms. “I’m not leaving you behind, alright? I’m coming back. I just need to attend one semester at home so the credits I’ve taken here can be transferred before I moved here for good.”

 

Chanyeol pointed out it meant Kris would still leave him because Kris would be going away.

 

“Well, yes. But only for a few months. I’m coming back, I promise.”

 

“Don’t promise,” said Chanyeol. “Just do it.”

 

And Kris did.

 

 

*

 

It took months, even years before Kris knew the whole story of Chanyeol’s past. And by that time Kris already learned so much about Chanyeol that he could say the Chanyeol he knew was a lot more than the scared little boy Chanyeol sometimes still thought he was.

 

The Chanyeol he knew was a fun, hardworking, loving, and wonderful person and Kris was lucky to call Chanyeol his. Kris took it as his job to make Chanyeol see that as well.

 

 

***

 

 

Chanyeol believed, in a way, he had kept his six year old self with him growing up. He’d waited for years for his mother to come back and take him away. But Kris had found him first.

 

And Chanyeol had no regrets.

 

***

 

“One day someone is going to hug you so tight.

That all your broken pieces will stick back together”

- Anonymous

 

---

 

 

 

MASTERLIST