As compared to other cities, there will always be a city that is special to your heart and soul. I’m not saying that the city should have anything special. It is like, how a person is as unique and as special to you as the first snowflake that was to ever land and melt on your palm. You’ll never forget him or her, no matter how long he or she has been in your life, but in the eyes of others, that person is as normal as any other functional human being manning the sidewalk.

          I wish to talk about Seoul, and Hoseok. The former has kept and contained so many of my precious memories, even ones that are supposed to reach my grave that was one day bound to arrive. They are all locked up in this casing of traffic and full public buses by day, yellow head lamps and bustling sidewalks by night. Dedicated to the latter is an infinite amount of thoughts and warmth at the mere thought of him, and has been so for countless years.

          Last night, Jimin had invited all of our close friends over for a party. Everybody had assumed that it was the mere craziness of the thought of actually graduating college. But, at the of the party, amidst the thumping music, he proved all of us wrong. He called everyone’s attention to him with two sharp claps that resounded within the living room, and giddily smiled whilst announcing that he had good news to tell. He spared a glance at Hoseok, and said in that clear and loud voice,

          “We’re dating.”

Amidst the clapping, whistling and congratulations, I felt that I was immediately plunged into the depth of the sea bed without any warning, feeling and listening to the silence that made me feel like we could never had anything in the first place.

          After using much energy to catch Jimin’s small attention span, I motioned to me room, and Jimin nodded, adding a yell for me to sleep well.

                   I don’t know if we could be called the best of friends, Jimin, Hoseok, and me. I’m very sure that everyone around them has a “Jimin”, right?  Funny, listens to your problems, handsome, smart, and always manages to capture your heart and bring out your smile, one way or another.

          Four years ago, we had all enrolled into a good arts school in Seoul, and while I was mastering the art of music composition, both of them were learning more and more complicated routines of modern dance. When I had asked them, why the modern dance major and not any other dance form, they had simply replied, because they loved it.

          They have never asked me why I had chosen music composition as a major. Maybe, it’s because they think that I love it too.

          Actually, I am like any other lovelorn person, confused with their feelings and not knowing what to do with them. But one thing I knew for sure was that the inspiration for me to come to Seoul was to be by Hoseok’s side.

          Now, the three of us and one of my other friends in music class, Seokjin, had rented an apartment and all of us lived together.

          I had to go for an advertisement shoot early the next day, and Hoseok had promised me that he would show me the ropes of modeling. The photo shoot started at 5.45am in order to capture the background of a sunrise, but it was currently 4.45am in the morning. I raised my hand to knock on Hoseok’s bedroom door that was just down the hallway, but then hesitated. He was probably still sleeping, and then the raised hand fell back to my side.

          Ever since Jimin had announced the news, it was like something had torn us apart.

          I set my mind to go to my first ever photo shoot alone. Even without Hoseok’s help, I was very sure that I could manage. “Wait up,” his bedroom door had opened, miraculously just as I was about to turn away. “I’ll go with you,” he finalized, and something in his tone of voice made me not retaliate.

          At 5 in the morning, the alleys and streets of Seoul were quiet, and all was well.

          Hoseok loved to smile and laugh, but he didn’t like to talk. But to teach me the basics of modeling, he had nagged and lectured incessantly, and hearing his mezzo baritone voice calmed any jumping nerves. I know that I would never get tired of that rich and warm voice.

          Many people would ask when they see the closeness between us, “Is this your boyfriend?” I would only smile, and Hoseok was simply too lazy to correct their thinking.

          But because the other male lead suddenly had personal matters to attend to, the crew could not find a replacement for him. The director looked like he was about to cry, but when he saw Hoseok, he brightened up, grinning. “Isn’t there one right here?” he gestured towards him, and he was whisked away by the stylists.

          Just because of this coincidence, we had taken many pictures together. It’s quite unbelievable really, because we’ve been friends for, let me count, around fifteen years already, but we’ve never had a proper picture of only both of us before.

          During breaktime, Hoseok said that he needed to go to say something to me. Actually, I already knew what he was going to mention.

          He started, “I’m with Jimin now”

          I nodded.

          He tried again, “I’ll still take care of you like I used to, like a good hyung.”

          I nodded…

          Actually, Hoseok must know that I like him.

          I was sensitive and scared about facing this reality. I kept silent, but he must know, what I’m thinking, what I’m scared of, what I’m sad about.

          So, he should definitely know

that I like him.

          But the one he loves is Jimin.

          He knows, and I also know.

          The memory most imprinted into my mind of him, was once when we had gone to KTV together, Jimin, Hoseok and me. Jimin had chosen an old song, one of his favorites. In the dull room, I saw Hoseok close his eyes and gently enjoy his voice.

        And at that time, he looked the most gentle.

          I have already graduated from my music. Then, my love for him, should also graduate, in a sense.

          Even though I know that Jimin is the one that Hoseok loves, I still want to tell him in my own voice, how much I love him. Because of that, every time I see the protagonist of the movie bravely confess to her crush, I would unconsciously feel my heart chip a little.

          After loving him for so long in the dark, I can’t even have a failed attempt at a confession with him.

          Because, I am mute.

--END--

{A?N}

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