Day 7

It turns out when you are jobless and on a run from horde of fans and reporters, killing time is pretty much all you can do. Kibum always thought having a cup of coffee at a small café was a luxury he could rarely afford as an idol, but now it’s the only thing that Kibum could do. Kibum lazily checked out the fashion of strangers passing by while sipping a cup of espresso, careful not to make his glance too obvious as he made a mental note of the colour, fabric and the brand they were wearing in the busy street of Paris.

He honestly thought he would feel liberated. However, feeling of unease and guilt pricked his conscious in the least expected moments and he felt more lonely and desperate after he talked with his parents who were genuinely concerned for his well-being.

Pushing up the shade that became slightly skewed, Kibum took in his surrounding and again mused how unreal it felt that he is sitting alone on a broad daylight without the fans surrounding him and managers swatting them away like a pesky fly.

The conversation with his mother did not go as bad as he anticipated. She was heartbroken and angry for sure, but did not seek or demand an answer out of him. She conceded that he needed a little break from all the craziness that is idol life in Korea and just made him promise that he will return home soon to sort everything out, which he was quick to comply.

‘Kibum, you have been a wonderful son for the last 22 years. You have always known what you wanted in your life and I respect whatever decision you make. When you figure out your next step, I’ll support you as always. Just promise you will come home soon and call me or text me everyday.’

Again, a wave of guilt and sadness washed over him as he remembered what his mother told him. He couldn’t help but cry straight for two hours after his phone conversation with his mom.

When he was done crying, he searched what was happening back in Korea and saw how his departure exploded on the Internet. He read the official statement made by SM and saw a video clip of the press conference held with the members.

He watched the empty, almost deathly vacant expression of Jinki, who repeated the statement word for word without any emotion in his voice. He witnessed other members’ expressionless face, all of them decidedly avoiding the sharp gaze of reporters who were busy throwing questions after questions at them.

His heart ached to see them suffer. For a moment he wondered if he had indeed done the right thing and he cried again.

“Monsieur? More coffee?”

Kibum’s train of thought on his first morning in Paris was interrupted by the maître d.

“No thank you.”

Kibum answered and quickly placed some cash on the table, standing up to leave. He walked around the maze like streets of Marais. He found a small park surrounded by old buildings where a huge tree in the center was providing shade for those who ventured. He sat in one of the wooden benches and turned his gaze toward the blue sky.

Kibum thought that it was almost comical how things turned out. If someone would have told him during his trainee days that he would fall in love in with his closest friend and best hyung he ever had, he would have laughed at that person’s face so loud he would have bent over and have trouble breathing.

It still bothered him that as sensitive as he is, he couldn’t figure out the exact moment he fell in love with him. Was it when they first kissed? When he bought him that expensive gift that he thought he would never buy for him? When they slept together hugging on a flight to Thailand?

All Kibum knows is that everything changed so suddenly. Jonghyun’s smile, touch and every word and expression toward him did funny things to his heart. And it killed him that he couldn’t reveal his feeling and Jonghyun started dating that actress. He felt violated and betrayed. He was Jonghyun’s person. As simple as that.

He did not know his heart was capable of such pain. He coped his emotional pain by inflicting physical pain on himself, developing a bad habit of cutting himself. Drawing blood from his thigh, where no one would be able to find the scratch. He could escape from emotional pain through physical pain. However, short and fleeting as it was.

He had to stop when Nicole found out and Minho and Taemin got suspicious while changing their stage outfits during one of the concerts. With that coping mechanism gone, he was at the end of his rope and he knew he had no other choice but to let go.

It got worse when the rumours spread around fandom and at broadcasting station that a certain member in SHINee was gay. Members laughed it off, convinced that their fan service was too good. However, Kibum suffered many sleepless nights drenched in cold sweats, in fear of his feeling for Jonghyun being discovered.

It suddenly became too much and he could think only one solution for all of his troubles. Leave SHINee, including Jonghyun, before his emotion gets better of him and ruin everything.

Kibum stood up as he saw the sky turning violent shade of red, orange and magenta, sun creeping slowly to the west. He bought a bottle of wine on his way back to the hotel and checked to make sure the hat and the shade was properly covering his face as he entered the lobby of the hotel he was staying.

He went inside his room and turned his back to lock the door when a sudden force grabbed him by the shoulder turned him around, pushing him hard on the door making him gasp in surprise and shock. A wine bottle dropped on the floor making a noise but not breaking and his shade also fell from his face to the ground. The door rattled as he heard a familiar but angry voice shout at him. A voice that he heard so many times in his dream that he wasn’t sure whether this was another dream of his or not.

“Where the have you been, Bum?”

Kibum knew he shouldn’t be glad. He wanted to stop the beating of his heart that was suddenly on the verge of explosion. However, when his eyes, blurred from silent tears that started to flow without him realising it, focused on Jonghyun’s blazing eyes, he couldn’t do anything but remain silent. Taking in the face that caused so much agony, excitement and joy.

“What’s this about Nicole.”

Jonghyun tried not to sound irritated, but he couldn’t help it. It was a long day after the press conference and he really did not want to meet with anyone who reminded him of the fact that Kibum was gone, let alone his best friend.

“I saw the press conference.”

“So did half of Korean population.”

Jonghyun grumbled as he took off the shade he was wearing and almost throwing it on the table. Nicole flinched but Jonghyun sat down with a loud sigh and stared at Nicole without a word, urging her to get to business. Nicole opened slowly, with reluctance heavy in her voice.

“Do you know…. where Kibum is?”

“No.”

Jonghyun answered quickly and firmly. He watched how Nicole just kept glancing at him as if he was going to explode any minute, constantly opening to say something but biting her lips again to stop herself.

“Look, Nicole, I only came because you said you had something very urgent to discuss with me, so if you don’t mind, I would appreciate it if you could get on with whatever the hell you wanted to say and stop acting like you are the one who had gone through hell with reporters.”

Jonghyun watched silently as Nicole rubbed her fingers on the wine glass she was holding with two hands. She looked conflicted. Awkward silence stretched and Jonghyun finally gave up with the niceties and spat out as he grabbed his shade again to leave.

“I don’t have time for this, good night Nicole.”

Jonghyun was already standing up when he felt Nicole’s hand on his arm, stopping him from leaving.  

“What’s Kibum to you?”

“…”

Jonghyun sat back on the plush chair. He looked at Nicole questioningly.

“What is Kibum to you Jonghyun?”

Nicole asked again, more firmly this time, her eyes unflinching. Jonghyun may have been imagining it but he couldn’t help but feel a slight accusatory tone in her voice.

“What the hell do you mean by that?”

“I mean, what I mean Jonghyun. What is Kibum to you? If you can not answer this simple question, I’m afraid I can’t help you.”

That caught his attention right away.

“You know where he is don’t you?”

“…”

Jonghyun’s already large eyes bulged with excitement and anger, he didn’t know which emotion to process, but a fact that she could possibly know where he is made Jongyun impatient and he grabbed Nicole’s wrist abruptly.

“Where is he, Nicole? Tell me!”

Unfortunately anger got better of him and he shouted out loudly at Nicole, despite nasty looks people around them were throwing at them.

“Let go of me Jonghyun! I won’t let you know anything unless you answer my question first. What is Kibum to you!?”

Nicole shouted back, her eyes furious, freeing herself from Jonghyun’s grip. Jonghyun just glared at her. Silence settled around the table. Jonghyun sighed.

“Look, Nicole, I really do not have time for your game. Just ing tell me where Kibum is, so I can find him and punch his face for causing this trouble.”

“You honestly think Kibum wanted this? He wanted to leave SHINee?”

“I don’t know what to think! I thought he was happy! With us, with everything! But look what happened!”

Jonghyun could barely contain himself and his shouts came out louder than he meant to. All the frustration and helplessness that he kept bottled in himself for the past few days poured out.

Nicole’s face softened and she quickly gave him a warning glance to mind other people in the store and whispered gently.

“I’m sorry, I know you went through hell Jonghyun, but don’t for a second think that Kibum wanted to leave you and other members. Believe me, he thought he was….doing what he could do to save SHINee. He… he really cares for you.”

“….What do you mean by that?”

Jonghyun whispered, almost to himself. Nicole looked conflicted again. Jonghyun’s eyebrows cringed in concentration as he took in Nicole’s words. What does she mean by that?

“Jonghyun…please think about what Kibum means to you. What is Kibum to you?”

There was a note of desperation that made Jonghyun stop from sighing in annoyance again at the question. What was Kibum to him? A best friend? Cute younger brother he never had?

“…He’s my person. He’s my Kibum.”

Jonghyun never quite understood the truthness of the words that came out of his mouth until at that moment. He felt almost dazed. Sudden gravity and realization of what he just said numbing him. He caught Nicole smile at him with tears slowly forming at the corner of her eyes.

“He thinks the same way. He’s in Paris.”

Jonghyun stood up as if he’s pants was on fire. He quickly ran out the door and tried to ignore the beating of his heart that was getting louder, deafening him. Only one thought was running in his mind.

Kibum was his person.