Siwon couldn’t remember when the dance began, the push and pull, the flirting, the seducing, and the tedious tension. He couldn’t remember the first time he looked at his hyung like he were a conquest to be claimed. He couldn’t remember the first time he’d stared at the Chinaman’s during dance practice, or rubbed a bit too closely to him during a performance. He couldn’t remember the first time he’d winked at him, smiled suggestively, or stared for a moment too long, but he did remember the moment HanGeng began looking back at him.

     He remembered the first time HanGeng had smiled at him. He remembered the first time the Chinaman had placed his hand on his knee under the dinner table. He remembered the first flirtatious wink, the first not so innocent touch, and the first rush of knowing his hyung was thinking of him too. Siwon also remembered the first time he caught the attention of a certain diva princess, who happened to hold possession of Suju’s Chinaman.

     Heechul and HanGeng had been an on and off again couple since they met. Though, neither of them would ever admit to this fact. Heechul liked to flaunt his close relationship with his Chinaman, hanging all over him during converts, kissing him on television, and gluing himself to HanGeng’s side whenever possible. If their relationship was actually of a ual nature, Siwon still wasn’t quite sure. He didn’t live in the dorms like the other members and never witnessed anything incriminating.

     “You’re staring, again,” Heechul’s sultry voice sounded next to Siwon’s ear as he sat on the practice room floor watching HanGeng stretch in front of the mirror on the other side of the room.

      “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Siwon replied, taking a nervous sip of his water bottle as Heechul sat down beside him and narrowed his eyes.

      “Don’t play dumb with me, Shisus. I have eyes. I see things.” Heechul warned, “He’s mine.”

     Heechul’s warning rang inside Siwon’s head for several weeks afterwards, causing the singer to avoid contact with his favorite Chinaman. Siwon made an effort not to look in HanGeng’s direction, or be alone with him. He knew his feelings for the foreigner were dangerous, seeing as the HanGeng had already been claimed by Suju’s volatile princess. To anger Heechul may mean upsetting the harmony of the group, and that was the last thing Siwon wanted to do.

      “Is something bothering you, Siwon-ssi?” HanGeng asked one evening as the group sat down for a dinner of take-out food inside the 12^th floor dorm.

     HanGeng’s hand found it’s way under the dinner table and onto Siwon’s knee as he spoke, causing the younger male to flinch and Heechul to glare at them from across the table. There was a soft smile on the Chinaman’s face as he looked at Siwon and a strange look in his eyes. Siwon could see the hidden meaning in HanGeng’s gaze as the hand on his knee traveled a bit higher and HanGeng indicated that with his chin that he wanted to speak with him in his bedroom.

     Siwon excused himself first, feigning he had to use the restroom, and retreated down the hallway into HanGeng and Heechul’s shared bedroom. A few minutes later, HanGeng entered the room and shut the door behind him. Siwon smiled nervously at his friend as the older male leaned against the door and crossed his arms.

     “You’ve been avoiding me lately, Siwon-ssi.” HanGeng pointed out, “Did I do something to upset you?”

     “No,” Siwon denied, his eyes moving from the man in front of him over to the fluffy grey cat sleeping on Heechul’s bed.

      “Are you sure?”

       “Yes, everything’s fine.” Siwon reassured, feeling nervous when he heard HanGeng push away from the door and move closer to him.

       “Good, because I don’t want anything to upset what we have.” HanGeng began, stopping a few inches in front of Siwon and causing the younger male to look at him.

      “And what is it that we have?” Siwon challenged, feeling a bit more at ease as he observed the smirk on HanGeng’s face.

      “I don’t know, what do we have?” HanGeng teased, placing his hand flirtatiously on Siwon’s shoulder.

      “Well,” Siwon began, placing his fingers under HanGeng’s chin and tipping it up slightly.

       “Just kiss him and get it over with,” Heechul’s dark voice sounded from over HanGeng’s shoulder, causing both men to break apart.

      “Hyung!” Siwon squeaked, his eyes going wide as he observed the death glare Heechul was giving him.

      “It’s not nice to make-out with other men in your boyfriend’s bedroom, Hannie.”

      “You’re not my boyfriend, Rella.” HanGeng pointed out, sounding tired as he turned away from Siwon to address the man behind him.

     “That’s not what it felt like last night when I was on my knees,” Heechul purred, slinking closer and wrapping his arms possessively around HanGeng and pulling him against his body. “Back off, Shisus, the Chinaman’s mine.”

     Things became even more awkward after that for Siwon. He had felt something from HanGeng that night, something close to acknowledgement. He knew his hyung was aware of the attraction between them. He could see it every time HanGeng glanced in his direction. Yet, they were unable to speak about the tension between them or act on their growing lust in their eyes. Heechul was practically glued to HanGeng’s side at all times, and it didn’t help that they also lived together.

    When Super Junior M was formed and they began their own rehearsals and recordings without the rest of the group, Siwon found his opportunity to get closer to his exotic hyung. Heechul was busy filming his dramas and his presence at the company became less and less. Soon, Siwon found himself standing in the empty dance studio staring at HanGeng as the older stretched in front of the mirrored walls.

      “Heechul-ah’s not here, so you can talk to me.” HanGeng spoke, turning away from the mirror to smile at Siwon. “Don’t let him scare you. Heechul-ah talks a lot, but he’s a cat.”

      “I don’t know, I’ve seen him tear more than one person apart.” Siwon chuckled as he crossed the room and pulled HanGeng into his arms for a tight hug. “Why do you let him control you like that?”

     “Heechul-ah and I are a complicated subject,” HanGeng answered with a long sigh. “I don’t want to talk about him right now. Let’s not ruin our moment alone.”

      “I missed you, hyung.” Siwon informed, taking a step back and smiling at the man in front of him.

       “I missed you too, Siwon-ah.” HanGeng replied, “You know, maybe we should take Heechul-ah’s advice.”

       “What advice?” Siwon asked in confusion.

       “Maybe you should kiss me?” HanGeng suggested, his voice soft and nervous. “I know you want to.”

       “Well, I…,” Siwon stammered, not sure if he were ready for this situation right now.

       “Fine, I’ll kiss you then.” HanGeng smirked, reaching out and tugging Siwon closer. “No one’s watching.”

      Their lips met in a soft nervous kiss. It was a light press of lips, almost too chaste to mean anything.  In the back of Siwon’s mind, he knew that HanGeng belonged to Heechul, even if the foreigner wanted to deny it. Yet, he didn’t care. Heechul wasn’t here to see them. He wasn’t here to stop them as the kiss deepened. Heechul wasn’t here to object when Siwon pressed HanGeng against the mirrored wall, or when his hand slid behind the elder to grip his through his sweat pants. Heechul wasn’t here to throw a fit and tell them to stop. Heechul wasn’t here….,

    This became there mantra every time their lips met. It played out like a drumbeat in their minds every time they met in secret corners, or showered together. This was their time to explore one another. It was their time to develop and feel. This was their moment, and neither minded deceiving Suju’s dramatic princess along the way. For when Heechul wasn’t there, they were free.

     “Hyung, are you asleep?” Siwon whispered into the darkness of his hotel room, his arms wrapped securely around HanGeng’s bare waist as the elder slumbered peacefully next to him.

      Propping himself up on one arm, Siwon gazed down on the sleeping Chinaman, his heart full of warmth as he did so. They were in China for Super Junior M promotions and HanGeng had been spending almost every night lying next to him. Here they were free to do as they pleased and it hadn’t taken long for their kisses and caresses to turning into more intimate acts. They’d spent the entire evening in bed exploring each other and making love, or at least that’s how Siwon saw it.

     He still wasn’t sure how HanGeng felt about what they were doing. Was this just some secret affair to him? Was what they were doing merely ? Or, did HanGeng feel that same flutter in his chest Siwon did every time they touched? Running his fingers through HanGeng’s soft dark hair, Siwon let out a long sigh as he observed the dark circles under the older male’s eyes. HanGeng had been working overtime lately as the leader of the new subgroup. He was worn out and spread too thin. Siwon couldn’t help but worry about him.

      “Geng-ah, your phone’s ringing.” Siwon informed as HanGeng’s cellphone began to chime loudly on the bedside table. “Geng-ah…,”

     But, HanGeng didn’t wake. He was exhausted from the day’s schedules and their evening in bed. Siwon reached over his sleeping lover and flipped open the older male’s phone. Before he could say a word to the person on the other end of the line, a very familiar voice purred into his ear.

     “Hannie…,” Heechul’s distinct voice whined over the line. “You were supposed to call me today. I miss you. Hannie….,”

     Siwon held his breath and listened to his bandmate whine in his ear. He was afraid to say anything. It was 3am and he had no good excuse to be answering HanGeng’s phone at such an hour.

     “Are you mad at me, Hannie?” Heechul asked, sounding concerned. “Say something? I know we had a fight last time I called, but I decided to forgive you for being an and ignoring me to talk to Siwon. Hannie?”

     Siwon still remained quiet, not sure what to do. HanGeng didn’t tell him that he’d been fighting with Heechul.

      “Fine, I’ll talk.” Heechul conceded, “I called because I figured that you were lonely all the way in China without me. So, how about I make you feel good? First off, I’m lying in your bed right now. I’m and Heebum is sitting in my lap. His fur is soft on my skin. My hand is trailing down my body and…,”

     “Hyung, it’s me!” Siwon whispered into the phone, not wanting to hear more of Heechul’s idea of phone .

     “Siwon!” Heechul shouted over the line. “It’s 3am, why are you answering Hannie’s phone? Where’s Hannie?!”

      “Geng-ah’s sleeping,” Siwon informed, his eyes darting down to his lover as the elder male opened his eyes and began to sit up next to him.

      “Geng-ah?!?” Heechul screamed, “Since when are you two on such intimate terms?”

     “Well…,” Siwon stammered as HanGeng rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

      “Wake him up! I want to talk to him!?!”

       “Give me the phone,” HanGeng instructed, hearing Heechul’s frantic voice squawking over the tiny phone speaker. “Let me talk to him.”

    Siwon reluctantly handed HanGeng the phone and watched as the older male flinched in response to each shout he heard. Slipping out of the bed, HanGeng picked up his boxers off the ground and slid them on, before making his way into the bathroom and shutting the door. It made Siwon nervous that HanGeng had left the room to speak with Heechul. Whatever his lover was going to say to the possessive princess was meant to be private.

    After almost half an hour, HanGeng came staggering out of the bathroom with an exhausted look on his face. He slipped back into bed and dramatically let his head it the pillow.

    “So, how did it go in there?” Siwon asked carefully.

    “Not well,” HanGeng replied, sounding tired. “He threatened to break up with me. He also said he was going to trash my stuff. I heard something break.”

      “Does that mean he knows about us?” Siwon questioned, “Are you going to break-up with him?”

      “I told him we were sharing a room so the company could save money. He accused me of sleeping with you, I didn’t answer him.” HanGeng explained, “He knows, but there’s nothing to prove it to him.”

     “What does that mean exactly?”

     “It means that Rella will calm down in a few days and everything will be fine. Once we fly back to Seoul, I’ll take him to dinner or something.”

     “So, you’re staying with him?”

    “Yes,” HanGeng replied, shutting his eyes and letting out a long sigh. “I love him, Siwon-ah.”

     “Do you love me?” Siwon asked nervously, “What are we to each other, Geng-ah?”

      “I don’t know,” HanGeng answered him, “What we are is complicated.”

    “You used to say the same things about Heechul,”

     “Yeah, and you see where that led. I’m in love with a possessive princess.” HanGeng half chuckled, “I don’t want to talk about Heechul-ah anymore tonight.”

     “Alright, we should get some sleep. We have an early schedule tomorrow.”

     Things went back to being awkward between them for several weeks afterwards. Siwon felt a distance between them forming and he didn’t like it. When they returned to Seoul, HanGeng went running back to Heechul’s bed and Siwon found himself standing alone in the shadows. They spoke often, saw each other during work schedules and around the other members, but never met alone. It was as if they were back to being just friends, and China had never happened.

     Siwon was on the verge of giving up on his feelings for HanGeng, until one night he was awoken at 2am by a loud ringing phone and a panicked princess.

    “You have to come over to the dorm!” Heechul screamed over the phone. “NOW!”

    “Hyung, what’s going on?” Siwon asked, sitting straight up in his bed.

    “Hannie’s sick,” Heechul replied, his voice dropping into a whine. “He’s burning up and he won’t eat for me.” 

     “Have you called a manager?”

     “They told me to make sure he takes some medicine and sleeps. He has a schedule tomorrow he can’t miss. If he’s still sick in the morning, they’ll give him an injection and make he go anyway.” Heechul explained, “He won’t take his medicine for me. He won’t eat. I’m here all by myself!”

      “Why are you calling me to help?” Siwon asked, already climbing out of bed and looking for his clothes.

      “Because he keeps calling your name in his sleep!!” Heechul sobbed, “Hannie talks in his sleep. Most of it I don’t understand because it’s in Chinese. But, he keeps saying your name. He’s been saying it ever since he got back from China.”

     “Hyung, don’t panic. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

      When Siwon arrived at the 12^th floor dorm, he was greeted by a worn and frazzled Heechul. Suju’s Diva answered the door in his pajamas, his dark hair sticking out in every direction, and his make-up free face swollen from crying. He regarded HanGeng with a tight expression and stepped out of the way.

    “He’s on the sofa,” Heechul informed, pointing down the hall. “I made him some rice, but I burned it. He says the smell makes him want to vomit.”

     “I’ll make him something,” Siwon offered, removing his shoes and moving into the kitchen. “How long has he been sick?”

     “A few hours,” Heechul replied, following after him and plopping down at the kitchen table. “I’m sorry I woke you. I didn’t know who else to call.”

     “It’s alright,” Siwon reassured as he dug some instant oatmeal out of the pantry and dumped it into a bowl.

      Siwon worked in silence for several long moments. Heechul sat at the table with his head in his hands and eyes staring blankly out in front of him. He looked exhausted and worried. A twinge of guilt spiked in Siwon’s stomach as he watched his normally confident Hyung look so fragile.

     “I know you two are sleeping together,” Heechul spoke suddenly into the silence, his eyes still staring unfocused at the wall. “I’ve known for a while now. China must have been like a dream for you, Siwon-ssi.”

    “Hyung…,” Siwon stammered, not sure what to say.

     “Don’t panic, Shisus.” Heechul chuckled, looking away from the wall and at Siwon cowering by the stove. “As long as Hannie’s happy, then I’ll be fine.”

     “But…,”

      “You give him things I can’t and that makes me angry,” Heechul explained, “But, there’s something bothering him lately. He’s hiding something from me, and it’s not you. His health hasn’t been what it should be and he cries at night. If you can make him better, if you can make him smile, then I won’t stand in your way.”

      “He loves you, you know that, right?” Siwon asked, picking up the bowl of oatmeal he’d made and moving towards the door.

      “I know,” Heechul confirmed, “But, he also loves you. I can see it in his eyes.”

      It wasn’t long after that night that Siwon found himself sitting in a interview and learning that HanGeng had filed a lawsuit against the company and fled the country. He’d disappeared out of his life like a ghost. All contact was severed and no one knew what exactly had happened or what was going to happen to the group.

    Heechul took the event the worst of everyone. He shut himself up in his room and refused to talk to anyone. Siwon’s heart ached when he thought about his hyung in his room all alone. It wasn’t until HanGeng was gone that Siwon realized he’d been in love with him. His feelings for his foreign friend had run deep and were not very clear to him. He too was devastated by HanGeng’s departure, but he didn’t have the luxury of showing it, for their relationship had been a secret, and he wished to keep it that way.

      “I miss him,” Heechul sobbed into his pillow as Siwon sat at the foot of his bed staring at the carpet. “He’s gone, Siwon-ah…,”

     It had taken over a month for anyone to gain access into Heechul’s room except Heebum. A few strong words from Eunhyuk had broken the diva’s refusal and he now allowed a select few into his room, namely Eunhyuk, Leeteuk and Siwon.

     “I miss him too, Hyung.” Siwon answered forlornly as Heechul sat up and scooted closer to him.

     “You loved him too, didn’t you?” Heechul asked, wrapping his arms around Siwon’s shoulders and laying his head against him. “You loved him, like I did.”

     “Yes, I did.” Siwon confirmed, “I still do.”

     “Then, you know how I feel.” Heechul sniffled, “You know how much this hurts.”

      “Yes,” Siwon half sobbed, wrapping his arms around the man next to him and pulling him close. “If you ever need anything, I’m here for you, Hyung.”

     “I’m here for you too, Siwon-ah.”

     It was an odd byproduct to develop after HanGeng’s departure that Siwon and Heechul grew closer. They had always been quite close as friends and members, but now they had an even tighter bond. They had both loved one man, loved him deeply and completely, and they had both lost him at the same heart shattering moment.

    Contact with HanGeng was limited because of the lawsuit, but Heechul still texted him frequently and even went to see him when he came to Korea to film. Siwon kept his distance. He was afraid to see HanGeng. He was afraid to speak to him in person. They exchanged messages ever few weeks and would sometimes speak over the phone, but it wasn’t the same as seeing one another in person. It wasn’t the same as before.

     Four long years passed in this fashion until one night Siwon found himself standing in a crowded ballroom in China staring at the man he had loved so deep through a sea of people. Their eyes met and they exchanged a look that meant so many things. It was like that night in the practice room all those years ago when they’d both finally realized each other’s feelings, when they’d shared their first real kiss and began their passionate time together.

     As they met in the crowd, cameras focused at them, a familiar look crossed their faces and smiles formed on their lips. Their hands touched and a jolt of emotion passed through them as Siwon pulled HanGeng closer to him for a hug. It was like they had never parted.

     After the party, high inside a hotel room in the heart of the city. Siwon held his lost lover bare and trembling under the sheets. Their lips met for stolen kisses and their bodies moved as one. They poured the years of separation into every movement and didn’t regret a single moment. Each of them knew that this moment couldn’t last. Each of them knew that in the morning they would both go back to their separate lives. Yet, they didn’t seem to care. For, they would always have China and each other in their hearts.

    THE END!

 

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