The first one comes in the mail, all civilized and such, addressed politely to Jung Soojin. There’s no return address. She looks at it curiously as she walks into her apartment, wondering who it could be from.

She saves it for last to build up suspense—it’s the only remotely interesting bit of mail she’s received. After going through all the bills, she finally rips open the anonymous letter. She eagerly unfolds it.

And promptly rolls her eyes.

YOU DON’T SUIT HIM. YOU’RE A BLEMISH ON HIS PERFECTION.

She’s expected this for a while and frankly she’s surprised the sasaengs managed to wait a whole year before getting tired of waiting for her and Hanbin to break up. She tosses the message through the paper shredder and makes herself some dinner. Her phone pings and she finds a text from Hanbin telling her he’ll probably sleep at the studio again.

She sighs heavily but texts back, Gotcha! Make sure to eat! Don’t work too hard, okay?

It’s hard dating an idol, much harder than she had expected, but she’s pretty sure she loves him, and that’s more than enough reason for her to stay with him.

The second one arrives a week later, this time accompanied by a photo of her buying groceries.

WE’RE WATCHING YOU. WE CAN ONLY BE SO PATIENT.

“Okay, that’s creepy,” she mutters before shredding everything.

“Is that the mail?” Hanbin walks in and hugs her from behind.

She smiles and drops the mail, turning in his arms. “Hey, you. Are you busy again tonight?” She plays with the hair at the nape of his neck, hoping he can spend some time with her.

He nods and she tries not to feel too disappointed. “But I have a few hours to spare.”

“Hm. Whatever shall we do?” she murmurs playfully, leaning forward to brush her lips against his.

“I have a few ideas…” He grins against her lips before capturing them in a passionate kiss.

She returns his hard kiss, messing up his hair with her roaming fingers. His fingers light fires along her waist and up her back to tangle with her hair and cup her face.

They sigh blissfully together, still kissing and touching as they make their way to their room.

She misses this, being able to touch him and talk to him whenever she wants. She misses spending time with him without worrying about this work. She misses him.

So she’ll take what can get for tonight.

By the time the sixth letter arrives, Soojin’s grown tired of this stalking game. She recognizes the handwriting on the envelope and shreds it without even looking inside. It’s all a load of crap, she’s decided, and she refuses to let them mess with her.

She can’t help noticing that she’s begun looking over her shoulder for suspicious people, making sure the windows and curtains are shut and the door is locked, turning on all the lights in the apartment and leaving the TV on for some comforting background noise. She sleeps restlessly and she’s grown wary of the dark. She’s irritable and tired and she wants to stop.

She wants them to stop.

She’s tried to tell Hanbin, but she chickens out every time. He’s so busy and stressed already, working on a new album and the next comeback, and he barely ever sets foot in the apartment anymore. And it’s not like they’ve actually tried to attack her physically. She can handle this alone.

She wishes Hanbin would be at home more. She misses him so much and his presence is slowly fading away, just like his comforting scent from their bed and his sweaters. She’s taken to bundling up in his clothes and hugging his pillow while sleeping on his side of the bed. She feels pathetic, but it makes her feel better.

A little.

She thinks back to the last time they had a chance to hang out together alone, a solid three weeks ago. They had stayed inside, for fear of fangirl mobs, but she didn’t mind one bit. She had been ecstatic just to spend some time with him.

They’d cuddled and watched a movie and napped together. As they were falling asleep, she had murmured without really thinking, “I love you.” His warmth had wrapped tighter around her.

When she’d woken up, she was cold and he was gone. Later she hadn’t been able to muster up the courage to repeat those three beautiful words and ask if he felt the same way. But she thinks she had heard him say “I love you too.” And even if he hadn’t, it was fine. Because his actions spell love to her. He is always, always there for her.

And she’s going to prove her feelings by overcoming these threats with her own strength.

That’s until she gets mugged one day while walking home from work.

They jump her in broad daylight with plenty of witnesses around. It’s quick: someone hits her in the head from behind and when she wakes up later in the hospital, the kind stranger who saved her apologizes for being too late to save her purse.

“I think they were girls,” he says, after introducing himself as Park Jimin. “It was hard to tell because they were dressed in black hoodies and baggy pants but the way they moved seemed female. Seriously, the nerve of them!”

Soojin is touched by the stranger’s concern and anger on her behalf. “Thank you so much for saving me, Mr. Park.”

“Call me Jimin.” He smiles at her and she finally realizes that he is handsome. And rather friendly for a stranger.

“Um…”

“I swear I didn’t have any ulterior motives when I helped you but would you like to be friends? I’m actually new to Seoul and you seem really nice. If unlucky.”

Luck’s got nothing to do with it, she thinks but smiles and introduces herself. “I’m Jung Soojin. Thank you, again. And…I suppose I can be friends with my savior.”

“Yay!”

The nurse comes back in and tells Soojin that she is free to leave, but to be careful and rest a bit more at home since she hurt her head. She thanks the nurse and prepares to leave, wincing a little at the tenderness of her wound.

“You okay?” Jimin asks.

She nods. “Fine. Just hurts a little.”

“I’ll walk you home, since you don’t even have a cell phone now.”

Jimin is perfectly charming and helps her forget the threats and her loneliness for a while. But after promising to call him as soon as she replaces her stolen items, she walks into her home and is hit harder than ever by the lack of Hanbin’s presence in her life. She was just in the hospital and the one who had been by her side wasn’t her boyfriend, but a stranger.

She cries silently as she cancels her credit cards and cell phone number and wishes she could call Hanbin. But she’s afraid to bother him.

So instead she sobs herself to sleep and makes plans with Jimin the following day to buy a new phone and visit the bank.

She decides to tell him the next time he’s home. It’s been a week since the incident and he’s never been home for more than five minutes at a time. He still doesn’t even know about the mugging or about Jimin. But right now, she just wants to tell him about the letters that started it all. The threatening letters that she gets everyday now, the letters she can’t help but open because she feels weak and afraid and not nearly brave enough to ignore what’s happening any longer.

“B.I—” she begins but he interrupts her.

“Not now, Soojin, I have to go to a rehearsal and I need to find my lyrics.” He doesn’t even look at her as he runs around, trying to find his precious notebook.

She spots it under all the mail. When he comes back into the room, looking hassled, she holds it out to him and starts, “B.I, there’s something—”

“Oh, thanks. Is there anything else I need?” He takes the book and glances around, patting himself down. “Okay, I think I’m good.”

“B.I, please—”

“Soojin, let’s talk later, okay? I’m already running a bit late.” He pulls on his shoes and grabs a random jacket from the closet.

She can’t wait. She has to tell him now, or she knows she never will.

“Hanbin.”

He pauses. She never uses his real name anymore unless she’s being completely serious. He turns back to face her. “What?”

Shakily, she breathes in and tells herself to be brave. Then: “Hanbin, I’m scared.”

He blinks. “What?”

She holds out a piece of paper with unsteady hands and he takes it, sighing.

“What’s—” He opens the paper and stares at the words with raised brows.

LEAVE HIM OR DIE.

Hanbin scoffs. “Oh, come on. This is just a scare tactic. Don’t believe it.” He tosses the paper onto the table.

“There are worse. They take pictures of me everywhere. No matter where I go, they can find me. Hanbin, I’m scared.” She stares at him with pleading eyes.

He gazes back for a few seconds before shaking his head. “Soojin, I think you’re just being paranoid. The fans accepted you, remember?”

“Not everyone did! That will never happen! And I knew that, and I thought I could handle it but I can’t. I can’t. I—I can barely sleep anymore. I’m so scared, Hanbin. I—” She squeezes her eyes shut, willing herself not to cry.

“I just don’t know what you want me to do,” Hanbin finally says. “I can’t force people to accept you. You know that. What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know! I’m just so scared and—and I miss you and I just—” A tear forces its way down her cheek and she angrily wipes it away. She doesn’t want to voice the thoughts she’s been having about their relationship. If she does, then this will all be real. Too real. She won’t be able to turn back.

Hanbin sighs. “Look, Soojin, I’m sorry but I really don’t know what you want me to do. I don’t know if there’s even anything I can do. But I really need to get to the studio or I’ll be late. I’ll be back later, okay? Just, I don’t know, don’t think about it anymore. They’re just trying to scare you away. Don’t let them get to you. Okay?”

Too late, she thinks sadly.

He hugs her and pecks her quickly on the forehead before slipping into his jacket and leaving. “Don’t wait up for me.”

The door closes behind him and his footsteps fade away. The tears are uncontrollable now and she lets out a quiet sob as she sinks into a chair and cries into her arms, until she falls fitfully asleep.

When she wakes up, disoriented, she wonders briefly why her eyes feel puffy and sticky and her nose is runny.

Then it all comes back to her and she has to fight off more tears.

God, when did I become such a crybaby? she sneers at herself while she cleans her face and then decides to calm herself down by sitting on the balcony, absorbing the city’s endless energy.

But she just thinks of Hanbin again, because the balcony is where he asked her out so many years ago.

But that hurts too much so she tries to think of something else. Instead, the day before his debut floats to the forefront of her mind.

“Jung Soojin! Guess what?” Hanbin bounced onto the couch next to her with sparkling eyes.

She smiled up at her boyfriend playfully. “What, Kim Hanbin?”

“I’m debuting tomorrow!” he crowed gleefully, throwing his arms around her.

She laughed, hugging him back just as tightly. “Tell me something I don’t know. That’s literally the tenth time you’ve said those exact words today.”

“But I’m so excited! And nervous. But excited! God, what if I screw up?”

She smoothed her hand down his back comfortingly. “You won’t. You’ve practiced so much and haven’t you been on stage with those guys a billion times already? Come on, give yourself some credit. You were born for the stage.”

He pulled back and grinned at her. “You always know exactly what to say.” He leaned forward and her eyes slid closed—

“Hey, hey, no PDA! We’re still here, in case you’ve forgotten!” Yunhyeong exclaimed, peeking eagerly through the fingers that were failing to cover his eyes.

Junhoe snorted. “’Those guys’? Wow, Noona, I’m totally feeling the love.”

Soojin turned and stuck out her tongue at the diva maknae. “That’s what you get for stealing my cookies!”

“Noon, please.” Junhoe rolled his eyes. “That was tame. Once people find out you’re dating Hyung, the sasaeng fans will be much worse.”

Hanbin and Bobby groaned simultaneously. “Junhoe!”

She pouted and grumbled, “Well, that just makes me feel so much better.”

“Junhoe, shut up and eat your food.” Jinhwan appeared from the kitchen, smacked the younger boy’s head, and flopped down next to Bobby, who immediately stole some of his chips.

“Yeah,” Bobby chimed with a full mouth, “learn from Chanwoo. Chanwoo!”

The boy in question looked up from his meal. “Hyung?”

“Get me a drink!”

Chanwoo sighed but dutifully got up and went to fetch Bobby a glass of water.

“Look at him. He’s such a good maknae.” Bobby nodded approvingly.

“Hyung, you just like ordering people around,” Donghyuk sighed. “Also, can you please swallow before talking? Your chewed-up food is gross.”

“What he said!” Junhoe seconded with a smirk, before quickly dodging Bobby’s stinky sock.

Soojin and Hanbin looked on with fond smiles before turning to each other. “Don’t listen to Junhoe. He’s probably just being a brat,” Hanbin murmured.

She shook her head but smiled. “No, he’s probably right. But don’t worry, I’m strong!” She made a show of flexing her biceps.

Hanbin chuckled. “No, you’re cute.”

“What? No, wrong reaction,” she frowned.

He smiled but his eyes were serious. “Soojin, if something happens to you, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. So stay safe, for me, please. And you’ll tell me if the fans try something?”

“Of course.” Soojin nodded with a soft smile.

“Good. I’ll protect you!” He tackled her down, making her squeal and attracting everyone else’s attention.

“Noona, Hyung, what did we say about PDA?!”

Soojin smiles a watery smile at the memory but it drips off her face immediately. “What happened to protecting me?” she whispers to the wind.

Hanbin is happy lately, because the album is getting along well and preparations for their comeback are almost complete. Soojin does her best to hide her fear and cheer him on, forcing herself not to think about the growing pile of threats hidden in her closet.

“You’re coming to watch our first performance right?” he asks her eagerly. “I’ll get you a backstage pass.”

She smiles, but it feels fake. She hopes he doesn’t notice. “Of course. How could your biggest fan miss it?”

He grins but notices something off in her eyes. “Soojin, are you okay? Are you still getting those letters?”

She freezes. What to say? She’s a terrible liar but she doesn’t want to bring down his mood. “Yeah, but there are less now. I’m fine.” She smiles wider.

He eyes her warily but accepts her answer. “Okay. Well, I have some time today, so what do you want to do?”

Soojin looks into his eyes, his beautiful caring eyes, and traces her gaze across his features. She loves him, she really does. She wants to tell him again, fully conscious this time. But she can’t, not until she tells him about Jimin and the mugging first.

But not today. Today he is happy and carefree and he’s here. Tomorrow. No—after the comeback. She’ll tell him after his mood settles back down to normal again.

“I’m up for anything. I just want to spend time with you,” she says and his eyes soften.

“I’m sorry I can’t be with you more,” he murmurs, pulling her into his embrace.

She snuggles into him and closes her eyes, imprinting his touch and smell and voice into her head. “I know. I understand.”

And in that moment, she swears she’s happy.

“You need to tell him,” Jimin says sternly over lunch a few days later. She’s been spending a lot of time with him lately, since Hanbin is so busy with the comeback that he actually hasn’t been home in a week.

“And I will, I promise. I’m just waiting until after the comeback, so he’s not distracted,” she explains, taking another bite of her pasta.

Jimin frowns. “I think this is something he’d want to be distracted for. You’re his girlfriend, for Christ’s sake! If I were him, I’d be angry with you for waiting so long to tell me and angrier at myself for not noticing.” He viciously stabs his steak, wondering why she’s so stubborn.

Soojin shakes her head. “Maybe, but I don’t want to distract him. He’s stressed enough without having to worry about me.”

“It’ll get harder to tell him the longer you wait,” Jimin warns. “Trust me, I know from experience. Have you ever thought about from his point of view? What if he was being attacked and hiding it from you? Wouldn’t you drop everything to help him?”

“Yeah, but…” Soojin shakes her head again. “I just…can’t. He’s been through so much to get where he is and I just can’t ruin that for him.”

“Soojin—”

“This was expected. I knew this was going to happen. We all knew. And I said I could handle it. So I am.” She pointed her fork at his food. “Now let's eat. And talk about something else. This is depressing.”

“Fine. But you better tell him as soon as his comeback is over. If you don’t, I swear to God I will in and tell him myself. I’m a gravely concerned friend,” he emphasizes with a glare.

Soojin rolls her eyes. “Duly noted. Now eat!”

The day of the comeback stage finally arrives. Soojin can’t help getting caught up in all the excitement backstage.

“Soojin! I missed you so much!” Yunhyeong sweeps her into a bone-crushing hug. “Why don’t you ever visit us anymore?”

“Didn’t want to disturb your practice,” she wheezes, neglecting to mention the threat that warned her against going near the YG building.

STAY AWAY FROM OUR OPPAS OR WE’LL GUT YOU were the exact words.

“Hey, let go of her!” Bobby pries Yunhyeong off of her and attacks her with his own hug. “Soojin! Where have you been? I missed you the most!”

“Hyung’s an idiot,” Junhoe sings as he passes by, though he smiles brightly at her and mouths that actually he missed her the most.

She can feel the happy tears gathering in her eyes, though she feels like she’s cried more in the past few months than she’s ever cried in all the years prior. She’s missed this, being with them, being happy and accepted. Feeling like she belongs. The warmth in her chest just keeps expanding. She doesn’t know how she’s been living without them.

“Hey, hands off my girl,” Hanbin walks in and yanks Bobby away from her. He locks his hands together around her waist and kisses her gently. “Why are you crying?”

She didn’t even realize her tears had leaked. Her smile glows as she wipes her eyes and kisses him again. “I’m just so happy and proud of all of you.”

“PDA! PDA!” Yunhyeong shouts and points before Jinhwan shoves him into a couch. Chanwoo just laughs and laughs next to Donghyuk, who shakes his head and tries to focus on his book.

“B.I! You guys are on in five!” someone important yells into the room before running off to check on something else.

Hanbin nods and turns back to Soojin. “Are you sure you want to watch from the audience?”

She nods. “I want to be a proper number one fan.”

He smirks. “So you’re telling me I went to all that trouble for a backstage pass for nothing?”

“Do you want me to watch you or not?” She sticks her tongue out at him and he pinches her cheek. “Stop! Find me in the crowd, okay?”

“Okay.” He kisses her again. “Wish me luck.”

She nods and opens as he pulls away, ready to go on stage, but instead of “good luck” she ends up saying, “I love you.”

He spins around to face her with wide eyes. Then he’s pushed out of the door and she is left alone in suspense.

She joins the crowd on the side, pushing her way past a few people before settling in with the crowd. The stage is perfect, just as she expected. Hanbin’s eyes roam the fans’ faces when he’s not rapping, but he doesn’t find her. At least, she thinks he doesn’t, because their eyes never meet directly. And she wonders if life is trying to tell her something.

They go home together that night, the first time in a long time. It’s quiet and she waits for his answer but he never says anything. She doesn’t repeat her words.

And she doesn’t tell him about what happened.

“Soojin, I swear—” Jimin explodes after she tells him what happened. “Just tell him! I’ll come with you since he needs to meet me anyway. Tell him! You promised!”

“But I—” She bites her lip. She’s not sure what’s stopping her. Most likely, it’s the fact that Hanbin hasn’t told her he loves her too—if he does.

“If he really loves you,” Jimin shouts angrily, “it’ll be obvious from his reaction! So tell him! What are you waiting for?”

And there it is. Jimin hits the nail on the head. She’s afraid of his reaction. Because she told him those three secret words and it doesn’t seem like he reciprocates. And she doesn’t want to know.

If she doesn’t tell him, it’s not real. She can continue pretending he loves her too.

“Do you plan to live in denial forever? Huh?” Jimin glowers at her. “If he doesn’t love you, then damn him! That’s his loss, goddammit! Soojin, please! You’re important too! Why can’t you see that?”

She doesn’t say anything, just sits and cries. Jimin calms down and apologizes for yelling at her because it’s not really her fault. But she feels like it is.

Finally, she nods. She nods and croaks, “I’ll tell him. Right…right now. I’ll tell him.”

“Okay. Okay. Good.” Jimin runs a hand through his hair, exhaling. “Good.”

“Will you come with me?” She stares at him, thinking she can probably survive if he’s there too.

“Of course.”

The ride to YG is silent and stuffy. Soojin has never been so scared in her life—What if he doesn’t love me?—but at least Jimin is here. Jimin, who she has come to rely on so much now. Jimin, her best friend. Jimin, who worries for her and looks out for her and gets angry for her. Jimin, who is so good to her.

Jimin, who she will never love like she loves Hanbin. She will never love anyone like she loves Hanbin. But maybe—maybe that’s a good thing.

Jimin has to pull her out of the car and drag her through the front door. He checks them in and asks for directions and leads her to the practice room, all while holding her hand, letting her stew in worry until they stop in front of the door.

“Soojin. It’s okay. You can do this. I’m here.” He smiles gently and squeezes her hand. Then he drops it and opens the door.

She inhales.

The rest is a blur. She thinks her mind shuts down as she starts talking and can’t stop. Her tears can’t stop either. Her words are a mess of incoherence. Jimin stands silently behind her, a comforting presence.

Everyone else just stares.

Hanbin, in particular, moves closer when she first walks in, confused and a little irritated that she's halted their practice. The other boys all smile and clamor to hug her first until they realize she’s talking and crying and there’s a strange man with her.

It all feels like a dream. Or no—a nightmare. Hanbin’s eyes—they will always haunt her.

Because as she spills everything, months of fear and agony and worry and stress and pain and love, he just stares, sort of confused, sort of blank, sort of detached. He doesn’t seem to get it, even when she realizes she has said everything there is to say. So she starts over.

“Soojin, stop.” Hanbin cautiously steps forward and glances at Jimin. “Who is he?”

Jimin steps forward. “Park Jimin. I’m the one who took her to the hospital after she was mugged.”

Hanbin’s eyes widen and the other boys gasp.

“Soojin, what happened?” Jinhwan comes forward, worry taking over his handsome features. “Are you okay? Slow down and tell us everything from the beginning.”

She takes a few deep breaths and speaks slower. But she stumbles over her words because Hanbin is just staring at her like he doesn’t recognize her, his eyes flitting to Jimin and back to her tear-stained face, and Jinhwan comforting her, and why isn’t he doing anything?

In the end, she can only say those words again. “I love you.” Over and over. Because he doesn’t seem to understand and she doesn’t know what to do and she thinks, This is it. This is the end. My worst fear is coming true. He doesn’t love me. And I can’t take this anymore.

So when Jimin and Hanbin start arguing—“You’re so absorbed in your own life that you can’t even notice your girlfriend is suffering because of you?”; “She told me she was dealing with it herself!”; “You don’t deserve her feelings for you”; “Oh, and you do?”—when Jinhwan and Bobby and Yunhyeong and Donghyuk and Junhoe and Chanwoo crowd her and talk over each other trying to understand her story, when she can’t cry anymore and she can’t see anymore and she can’t hear anymore, that’s when she cuts through all of their useless words and decides.

“Hanbin, I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me. And I can’t take the threats anymore. I’m sorry. I love you. Goodbye.”

She exhales.

And then she smiles, the saddest smile Hanbin has ever seen, and leaves. And he can’t stop her.

Jimin races after her, but the other boys surround Hanbin and attack him with questions until he can’t think. He loves her—he thinks—but he has to practice so he can’t run after her but she won’t be home tonight—no, she will, because she is always there, waiting for him, and he needs to get rid of all those letters he found in her closet, but they don’t mean anything, and when did she get a new phone and why was she crying and who is Jimin to her and he has a performance tomorrow so they need to practice.

“We need to practice,” he says as he continues staring after her. And the other boys fall silent, because there is nothing more they can say.

A/N: Okay so I actually did not have an ending planned for this one--and by "planned" I mean happy or sad, lol--so it turned out like this.

...

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

This is 11 pages in Word, almost 5K words, and I don't know what should happen now. I feel like this is a good and bad ending. I don't know right now. This is supposed to be a oneshot, but I'm thinking of adding one more chapter, except I have no ideas. What do you guys think? What do you guys want to happen? Let me know because I am actually really lost right now. And I wat to keep it semi-realistic.

Also, I love B.I and I'm sure he would be so much more protective than the B.I in this story. But alas, angst. And, I dunno, I hope you don't hate the B.I in this story because I tried not to make him a jerk, just really preoccupied with his life and uncertain about love because who isn't. And I feel as confused as he does right now.

But I think I really like it. Possibly because it's the first long thing I've written in a while lol, and also the first thing for B.I. :D

Um, enjoy?

skyblaze208, OUT!

© Copyright 2014 by skyblaze208