“Dear Kim Jongin:

Hi. I guess, long time no see?  That's quite an awkward statement to say, because in reality, we really haven't met— at least kind of figuratively. So allow me to rephrase it.

Hi, long time no speak.

It just sounds more appropriate than the first one.  I really don't know why I decided to pen this letter.  I haven't heard from you in a while and truth be told the thought of you comes barraging me when I’m not ready.  So here it is; my mere and measly response to this urge.

So, how are you? Have you eaten? Have you taken the first step in achieving your dreams? Is it fun? Can you sing for me?

The last question was the one you left with me hanging when you walked away.  Don’t answer, I’m not interested.

I still remember how we met. It was on a social networking site, and it is interesting to note that it was on the day a huge storm raged on.  Don't judge; I just realized that this morning.   My friends dared me to change to a character in the book that we were reading and try to portray it for a while, and the gullible me did. Apparently, you also did the same, as what you told me.

My friends were laughing their asses off when I chatted them that I can't simply talk, save for a "Hi".  Luckily, others just simply shrugged it off, for it was a trend growing. I, on the other hand, started to explore. I haven't entered that site in a while and many things have changed.  I don't know; maybe every site has a weird part and it was there that I met you.

You were the first one to approach me. You called me by my character's name and shocked as I was, I responded— complete with emoticons, as what my friends said.  I mean, my character was supposed to be older than yours but you carried this sense of maturity. 

In the real life situation, our characters are very, very close.  And so did we become.  A- what is that term again?- oh, skinship developed.  Which led to us being shipped, whatever that was.  Which led to, well, us. These all happened in a day- or was it two?

Anyway, sometime later you asked for my number.  I consulted my friends, they said okay, I gave it to you.  I admit that it was the gullibulity of mine to easily give you my number but I just felt that it was alright since it was you.  I cannot forget the text that would change my life.  Of course, non-verbatim:

Hi, Kyungsoo. As much as I know this is weird, I have something to say. I think I like you. :)

In the ungodly hour of 1:08 am, you texted this and I was very sleepy, mind you. I blinked twice and texted almost immediately, my heart pumping in excitement and my sleepiness away.

Eh? Wait wait- sorry for being slow but what do you mean? You like me as the character or me as in.. Kyungsoo?

The reply came in minutes later.

Is this weird for you? I meant I think I like the person behind your character. I think I like you, Kyungsoo. I'm really sorry if it's weird.

Of course it was weird. Especially for me, who had no first hand experience with love.  You can say that you were my first closest encounter with love. I replied with the most rational response I could tell at that ungodly hour.

Oh— I see. I don't know; maybe this is too fast? Maybe let's get to know each other more, okay?

I swear, the next days were really the nicest days in my life that time.  We would continually text each other, remember? We started knowing each other as the days passed.  It was fun, and I never regretted that.

I asked why you use the name Kai, instead of the one you usually use which was Jongin.  I must admit, I like Kai more than Jongin.  You also did promised me you would sing to me; a promise I know is broken now but I can't erase the thought of holding on to it. 

But then the bomb dropped, and we were blown apart.

You told me you were gay.

Now don't get me wrong— I fully support same- relationships. I think you already know this: I came from a school where that was rampant. But I myself... I was not—and am still not—sure if I can.  Maybe, one day I can answer you.  But for now, it still stays the same: I can't.

I told you the same idea, different words.   You said— and I immediatey knew it was a lie— it was okay.  I told you it wasn't, and I know it isn't.   I gave you time to reply.  You called.

For the first time since we started this, I heard your voice on the phone.  It wasn't the usual voice that I heard with my other gay friends— yours was more deep, more melodious than I expected.  We did talk, right? We did try to clear things out.

A week passed and after the call I was sure you walked away in my life just like that.  But I was wrong—again— when on that week, a Wenesday, you suddenly texted.

I was shocked, partly because you texted and partly because my heart skipped a beat.  I mean, I liked you being in character but to see your name on my phone again and my heart suddenly skipped a beat; now that is shocking.

Because then I realized I must have fallen for you.

Our friendship was back; and on that same Friday, we texted the whole day.  professors and classes; we were in our own little world.  My classmates were already teasing me because I was smiling idiotically but I didn't care. When I say the whole day, I mean the whole day: from 8 am to 8 pm. Funny how I learned then that you didn't know how to cook, let alone open a stove. We even had the same pizza place for dinner!  I think my last text was for eating. The thing was, you didn't respond.  Okay so I thought the next day you'd say good morning.  But no good morning text came, and time suddenly stopped as I frantically searched for your last text.  Turns out my last text was our last text, too.  I went online and guess what I saw?

Your character was in a relationship with another character already.  Now technically, you were still in a relationship with my character before that day.  Or did we break up when I said I wasn’t into that kind of relationship?  I didn’t know; I will never know.  And I can’t help but think that this is by one and the same person.

Just one day. No goodbyes, no anything— you even changed.  God knows how much I hated you that time.  It was so insensitive, I thought.  We talked there as casually and as civilly as possible when you saw I was online.  We even sang a song. But that was it.

It was November 15 when we last texted.

2 months exactly passed and with those months I've come to realize how stupid some of my decisions were.  On January, you texted me again.

I was in class, listening to my favorite professor with her explanations on the short story we read.  My phone was carelessly thrown inside my bag but the vibration was felt.  I rummaged for it, opened the text while she wasn't looking, and saw your text.

You said you passed a good university for college.

I was proud of you because when we were still regularly talking, you would always say that you weren't sure for college and all.  I was proud, yes, but I let hatred get over that.  The inner demonic voice in me said I reply to you asking who you are, and I did.  I hated you because we had no closure, even if I didn't even know what we were then.  I was even just finding closure for my character.

Please understand; this was the first time someone left me without warning.  Let's already take it out of the romantic context.  It was  the first time ever in my life that someone who I really believed was dear to me, was an acquaintance—a friend, even— left without even saying why or a simple goodbye.  Just went out of communication.  Just like that.

That was mean of me.  For that, I am sorry.

I did say sorry but it was late.  You might have erased my number already, or some other scenario. But I am sincerely sorry for what I have done.

But that is the only thing I can be sincerely sorry about.  I see my other flaws, but it was because of my choices— and I can't be sorry with those.  I can't be sorry for being so rational, I can't be sorry for being true to myself, I can't be sorry for what we had— because it was nice.

Why I narrated everything? Well, I don't know too.  Maybe you don't remember me anymore.  But me? I always do.  Every guy I pass as I walk in the streets of Seoul, I ask myself: could that be him?  Then I think, ah his face is not like that or his eyes are not like that.  How do I know? Remember when you sent me a picture? I stuck that in my mind.   I still guiltily remember you, even if you don't.  In every guy I see, I see you. You are currently my biggest what if.

But there's always a but. I don't really care if you choose to talk to me again or not.  I don't know if you still have my number.  My phone was lost some months ago and with it I lost the only contact I have of you.  It's okay.  I don't really care anymore.  This is just for the sake of me releasing my feelings in the most convenient way I can.  After one year, you're another experience that, although I'm not proud of, can have a lot of lessons.  I've been long gone and moved on.

Thank you for the time and memories, Kim Jongin. And goodbye.

Do Kyungsoo.”

The writer sighed and leaned back to look at the letter he just composed.  One click and the letter would be sent and there was no going back.  Kyungsoo shook his head, saved the letter and closed his laptop. 

The letter was left unsent.