this is what keeps the stars apart.

Funny how the most beautiful of all creatures are those who has been through hell and back. Though one could have had a better paradoxical description of hell. But that was the before.

Jongin knew better than to approach the lifeless gaze of those onyx abysses of unanswered mystery. Knew better than to stop in front of the demolished manifestation of a person overtook by his own demons. But Kyungsoo was a beautiful paradox. He made Jongin believe that this was worth not turning the other cheek and pretending he wasn’t the least bit interested in the smaller male.

Jongin thought he could fix him. Jongin thought. That was his first mistake.

--

Their first meeting was not the most special – it was more of an unexpected accident, of which Jongin liked to believe it was a beautiful serendipity. It was a small coffee shop overrun by college students finding solace in the rich smell of coffee while trying to save their grades or a relationship, whichever. Jongin can still recall how it was raining outside that day, the comforting warmth offered by the fresh smell of roasted coffee beans and red, red hair brushing a pale forehead.

Jongin ended up staying until it was time for the shop to close down for the day and he waited until the red haired guy came out of the shop. He doesn’t know what came into himself but Jongin wanted, no he needed to approach him. So approach the guy he did. Though he found no words could come out of his throat the moment his eyes came in contact with big round ones. In his star struck state, the only words that he could muster up were:

“You’re beautiful.”

Realizing this he ran as fast as his feet could take him, embarrassed by the sudden outburst. Though he came back the next day and the next and the day after just to steal at least a small glance of the red haired epitome of a male god that had successfully taken up a big chunk of Kim Jongin’s thoughts. He wasn’t sure if it was healthy.

“Why don’t you just talk to him rather than just be all mopey all the time?”

“After embarrassing myself in front of him? No way.”

“What are the chances he even remembers you? You’re a lost cause, man.”

But Sehun will never understand how scared Jongin is. He was scared because he was falling for someone that may or may not notice his entire existence. He was starting to believe that it was better off this way because if he kept his distance he won’t have to delve into the unknown. But he was still convinced that being wrecked by this man was worth the pain.

Jongin should have gone with his first instinct. Jongin should have run and never looked back.

--

Jongin rarely woke up late for classes but he had worked his up the night before trying to finish his assignments due the next day. There was just something at the back of his mind taunting him that it was going to be a very unlucky day for Kim Jongin. And it was – he came in thirty minutes late for his class, didn’t have enough time for breakfast, forgot his wallet, left the assignment he was supposed to submit in his room and got scolded by his lecturer in front of the entire class.

With his face half plastered on the cafeteria table, Jongin was on the verge of tearing up and breaking down when someone put a can of Red Bull in front of his face, only to find out it was the red haired barista.

“Something to get through a rough day,” he had said, face void of any expression.

“How did you –”

“I was in your class and we were paired up for the next assignment.”

“Great.”

They weren’t friends to begin with and Kyungsoo made it a point that their relationship never went past the boundary of equations and quantum theories – always professional. But Jongin found it harder to keep his thoughts on track when the man that has been piloting his mind the past month is sitting right in front of him. Jongin never really thought about his ual orientation, he never really cared to be very honest but if he was straight, Do Kyungsoo was a person he’d go gay without being told twice.

Despite Kyungsoo’s unspoken rule of “let’s keep this professional” he never rejected Jongin’s company. He never shooed the younger man away and perhaps that was why it was easier to believe that Kyungsoo wants what Jongin wants too. And just like that they had progressed from assignment buddy to something that fairly resembles a friendship. Jongin wasn’t sure if it was just some sort of illusion – because damn if he was just imagining it, he wished he’d never snap out of it – but the duo became closer each and every day. But Jongin couldn’t help the voice gnawing at his thoughts that something was missing.

Perhaps it was just his conscience playing games on him or maybe it was the distant look in Kyungsoo’s eyes on certain days. It was never constant, it comes without warning as if Kyungsoo wakes up each day and decides which mask to put on – one day he’s all fun and the next he’s a walking emotionless doll. It was driving Jongin crazy because he couldn’t figure him out.

Do Kyungsoo is the perfect epitome of an old bomb waiting for a trigger to finally detonate. When everybody else steered clear off the bottle of suppressed emotions, Jongin waltzed around the edge of his pressure gauge trying to ease out some of the stress but what he doesn’t know is that Kyungsoo is a vessel sealed shut and the only way to let the pressure go is by exploding.

Jongin should’ve paid attention in class. Shrapnel hurt people.

--

The second year of their friendship, Jongin finally learned of broken wings.

Kyungsoo sat on Jongin’s bed with his back on the wall as he watched Jongin go back and forth getting his stuff together trying to fit everything in the flimsy excuse of a duffel bag. It was the end of the semester and everyone Jongin knows were getting ready to go home – all except for one Do Kyungsoo.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go home?”

“Yeah. Promised Minseok hyung I’ll help him out around the shop this summer. Home can wait.”

The flicker in Kyungsoo’s eyes didn’t go by unnoticed by the younger male but he didn’t prod any longer. Jongin might not be the brightest of people but he wasn’t blind either. Kyungsoo pretty much avoids anything that come as close to the topic of home. Doesn’t bother talking about his family. Never really talked about life outside of campus. But Jongin decided it wasn’t in his place to force Kyungsoo to tell. Maybe he’s just a very private person, Jongin had concluded.

Being with Kyungsoo was never a walk on the beach, never once a bed of roses or even ing wild daisies. It was always careful tiptoes and hesitant arms curling around a slim waist and heavy sighs acknowledging there will never be a reciprocal. One would think Kyungsoo’s bubbly front meant he was a fun person to be with. He is. But he shied away from the mere thought of love. A nonbeliever they all say.

“Hey, Kyungsoo hyung?”

“Hm?”

“What if I told you that I love you?”

“Don’t.”

Love is a peculiar thing. It’s tender but it’s strong at the same time. And it’s persistent. Just like pain, it insisted on being felt and you can’t help but spread it. Kyungsoo in his part is incapable of accepting anything that even resembles affection. He has become accustomed to the dark and the cold that light and warmth became a foreign area he refused to even come closer than a ten mile radius to.

“Do you believe in love?”

“Do you believe in Santa Claus?”

“No.”

“Then no.”

Perhaps to Do Kyungsoo love was as unrealistic as elves and an old bearded man in red and white riding on a sleigh driven by flying reindeers on Christmas eve. What was the point in having faith in something that was meant to be broken in the first place? Why bother risking your heart for something that never was and never will when you could have stopped yourself from falling into the unknown? Because let’s face it, at one point you will get hurt no matter how strong your feelings are for each other so why not spare your heart the crash and live your own life. It was logic but by now Jongin knew that logic doesn’t rule reality and maybe because Jongin was too far gone to even realize all of that anymore.

Kyungsoo always talked about flying. He talked about getting lost somewhere because perhaps that was the only way for him to find himself again. The unwritten verdict is that knowledge hurts us in ways we can never imagine. And Jongin knows things he shouldn’t have known and he knows he couldn’t do much to assess his worries. Kyungsoo is not the type to stay still in one place. He was meant to lose his map and compass. Meant to always miss the last train home. So Jongin always made it a point to wake up earlier than Kyungsoo every day just so he won’t ever wake up to an empty embrace. He wasn’t hoping he could stop Kyungsoo from slipping away from the tips of his fingers, not exactly. He knows there’s little to zero hope for him to keep Kyungsoo by his side at least till forever comes around.

Forever with Kyungsoo sounds so divine in his ears that Jongin began to believe that it could actually be possible.

--

Jongin should have known that sooner or later Kyungsoo would disappear out of his sight. Without warning. Without a word. Without saying goodbye. And Jongin refused to believe that Kyungsoo will never return his feelings and he wanted to genuinely laugh at the idea that he will be left with nothing but an empty vessel come the day Kyungsoo decides to go. But maybe that’s good, right?

If he could pretend that they were in love then he can surely pretend that nothing ever happened. He can pretend that he hasn’t memorized every slope of Kyungsoo’s facial features; pretend that he hasn’t remembered how Kyungsoo likes to take his coffee, and pretend that he doesn’t know that Kyungsoo isn’t really much of a coffee drinker. Surely he can pretend that Kyungsoo was just a phase in his life in which he decided to spare a glance upon and of course Jongin can pretend that he never stopped to stare.

They weren’t parallel lines that go in the same direction never to meet but they didn’t intersect and kept going either. What do you call two lines that intersect but one decided to go on while the other wanted to stay? Were there any possibilities for them to meet again? What kind of fake happiness were they supposed to put on just so the separation wouldn’t be too painful? But then again maybe the most painful part is that Kyungsoo could care less but Jongin cared far too much.

--

Jongin woke up with a start and to a bone chilling breeze coming from his window. Maybe he was just too tired to realize he hadn’t closed them the night before. It was 4am in the middle of autumn and the sun wasn’t even out yet. Jongin stopped by his window and welcomed the cold wind in and it feels sort of familiar. So much that if he could just think, he can trap it in his arms and pretend he was hugging it.

“If I disappear one day, you can feel me in the winds.”

Jongin always thought he was talking nonsense. But then again Kyungsoo always talked about absurd stuff like these. He once talked about touching the clouds and wondered how it would feel like in his grasp. Jongin just went along thinking these were his deepest thoughts that he left for Jongin to understand and uncover. The problem is he couldn’t. Kyungsoo speaks in metaphors and complex symbolism that most of his words were lost in between the clutter of stars above their heads.

The view from his window is one of serene beauty (as much as the typical suburban area could offer). It was quiet, with only the occasional vroom of engines accelerating through the still night. Lights bleeding out from neon signs far off in the distance so bright but too far that it came out blurred, like a lens out of focus. Like Kyungsoo.

In the last drawer of Jongin’s bedside table sat a lone piece of paper, folded twice into half. A short explanation that was never voiced out, perhaps or maybe a goodbye note – Jongin couldn’t decide. It was painful either way.

I lost the meaning of home years ago. But I’m scared that your arms are starting to feel like one every time I let myself fall into your embrace. I don’t know if it’s love but it’s suffocating me, I can’t take it. And I can’t live with the fact that I can never return your feelings. I can’t accept that I’m hurting you. I’m sorry but one of us has to let go.

If Jongin was honest he’d agree that love was indeed very suffocating. Conceivably because the thing about love is that it makes flowers and grass (and probably a whole ing field) grow in our chests and it keeps growing and growing. Maybe that’s the reason why we can hardly breathe around that person or even with just the thought of them. And maybe it’s bad but maybe the pain is just a price to pay for that little bit of pleasure of having Kyungsoo’s warmth in the circle of his arms even just for a little while.

--

The after was perhaps Jongin had come to the realization that going through hell doesn’t spawn a beautiful soul. It cuts and it scars and more often than not it leaves a person broken beyond repair. But maybe Kyungsoo just needed time and Jongin can only hope that if Kyungsoo found whatever it is that he was looking for, he’d come back to his arms because it was the only home he could think of.

--

“Why would you want to disappear though?”

“To find myself I guess.”

“Well I hope you won’t disappear forever. I hope you come back.”

“I will, I guess. And maybe this is selfish but if ever disappear and come back, I hope you’ll still be a constant figure. I hope I can still find you.”

“Of course you would. I’m not gonna go anywhere.”