AUGUST

It all felt silly now. It must have looked like he was trying to die in his sleep, because Hanbin wouldn't leave him alone. The boy placed the emptied cup on the bedside table and tucked Jinhwan in the blankets. He sat himself on a chair beside the bed, eyes never leaving his ex, afraid that something might happen again.

A part of Jinhwan stayed awake even when he fell into unconsciousness. It felt like Hanbin held him with his gaze, kept him rooted in the sad reality of his gray room. But honestly, Jinhwan wanted him to let go.

Hanbin sat there like a dream-catcher filtering all the bad dreams, leaving Jinhwan suspended in the darkness of his mind, each foot in two different places. He knew that he was in dreamland, although not completely because Hanbin’s fear held him in place. But the thing is, Jinhwan wasn’t afraid of the dark. He wasn't afraid of the ‘bad dreams’. Instead, he was afraid that he would never reach that place, or that no one would be waiting for him on the other side.

He couldn't see anything. It felt like he was just trying to sleep and was forcing his eyes closed, though to no avail. There was nothing—no horizon to divide heaven and earth, no ground, no black hole, no sky. The place was desolate, both in sight and in feel. It felt like something was supposed to be there but wasn't.

It wasn't like Jinhwan expected to see him there after what happened. That alternate reality that only existed in his sleep was broken, and he went to sleep with no expectations, but oddly enough, he found himself wishing he could be pulled back to the surface because there felt like a finality in not having June around. He was afraid of the possibility that that was the last time he would see June. Not knowing anything scared him.

He wondered once more if he would've gone with June if given the chance. He didn't know what June was, but he believed in his heart that June was good. June was the little beacon of light in his world of black and white, both here and on the surface of reality.

Dawn was Jinhwan waking up under the sheets, Hanbin in deep slumber beside him, face the textbook definition of peace. He had a thought then, I wish you loved me like this sooner, but he pushed the thought away and pretended it didn’t occur.

Dawn was the first few rays of sunlight against the indigo to lavender gradation of the sky. It was the unmistakably grave quietness that made him want to go back to sleep because of its sheer emptiness. He knew that this was reality, knew that he wouldn't find June here.

Dawn had Jinhwan quietly climbing out of bed and staring out the window for a good five minutes, much like how June would. He finally remembered that they had finals exams next week, and it sent him into this sense of rush. He hurriedly sneaked out of the house, knowing he had to study, even if he didn't have notes to review. It was something everyone knew, so he couldn't understand how he forgot all about it. He doubted his friends forgot to mention it since it was tradition to play hard before exams. He was the only one who didn't know and it felt like he was dropped into the ocean without anything to save him.

Jinhwan mindlessly broke into a run, passing through empty streets until he reached his house.

June was long gone. July was a haze of pressure and wanting to be pressured. Jinhwan did poorly on the final exams. He knew he could've done more than he aimed, more than he wanted, but the thing is he didn't want much. He just wanted school to be over, just wanted everyone to leave him alone. He didn't think of how it would affect his future, didn't want to, since he saw no future in front of him.

He just wanted to rest, and the school break gave him just that: lots of rest and locking himself in his room. It was so funny he could laugh because he kept on searching for something that wasn't there. June was gone, along with the semester he so didn't want. June was long gone, but Jinhwan never wanted him to go.

Jinhwan didn't want to think of July this way but it felt like it passed in a blink. July was a month of suffering and wanting to disappear, but it was also when he spent a lot of time with June. It was then that June made a mark in his world, and ironically, Jinhwan didn't want to let go of any of that. How could he forget all his worries when June was there with him through all of those?

And as he lied on his bed, staring at the ceiling, he knew he was safe. Empty, but safe. He wasn’t being bullied. He was away from prying eyes. Mino and Seunghoon weren’t around him. He was free from his friends’ worried gazes. The world couldn’t reach him since his phone was off. He was safe, but that meant closing in on himself: shutting everything off and keeping everyone at a distance. The saddest thing about that was the fact that June only ever came to him because Jinhwan needed him.

Jinhwan needed June, and he couldn't believe it took him such a long time to ascertain that. A hollow feeling sank in his chest, and his head spun at the realization.

He turned to his side, laid his head against his hand and felt the blood running through the veins in his temple. It hurt so much he found it difficult to breathe but it somehow elated him. Finally, he could feel something.

He forced his eyes shut and felt his consciousness slip away f