The first time he notices, he doesn't think to say anything. Taehyung doesn't think he's ever taken Seokjin for granted- not really. He gives the older the benefit of the doubt, because no matter what Seokjin has been there for him through thick and thin, and he owes him that. Taehyung has always thought Seokjin was too good to be true. He never expected to be right.

It's completely ridiculous, he assures himself, because Seokjin's smile was always genuine and his words always served to qualm Taehyung's fears, even though he'd never voice it aloud. Because Seokjin is a colorful flower in the sidewalk, radiant no matter the weather and no matter the location, and the younger hadn't ever meant to pick him. Seokjin always reminded Taehyung of spring, despite having met in the summer. He wonders if that's why everything has dulled considerably with the beginnings of winter. 

Taehyung wasn't ever really able to spend too much time with Seokjin once school started- he was going into his senior year, and Seokjin into a full time job. He pretended like he always did his work and just happened to make time for the older, but he couldn't bring himself to care about a slipping GPA more than the potential of a slipping smile. They weren't ever an offical thing- not really- but Taehyung always clung to the sense of finality in Seokjin's murmured I love you's, to the softness in his eyes and the sweet texts. 

When they'd met, it'd been a whirlwind. All teeth and tongues and any and everywhere that wasn't Seokjin's appartment. Taehyung has seen plenty of pictures and bits through Skype of course, but Seokjin never really made a big deal of it so he didn't either. He wonders if things would've been different if he was older. He wonders why he hadn't worried so badly like Seokjin did upon finding out their age difference.

Seokjin would joke about their honeymoon phaze being over, and Taehyung would smile and wonder how that could possibly be when they'd started out hotter than the summer sun and never had any build up to come down from. He's always found the romantic comments from the older a little overwhelming, chosing to brush them off rather than reply more often than not. 

"Let me take care of you," The words would make Taehyung cringe. He couldn't ever quite get over the idea of letting someone that far in, that close to his heart. And yet, with every pleading look and comforting smile, Taehyung's resolve broke a little bit more. He'd shared everything in him and more with Seokjin, from his ed up childhood to his awful relationship history. Why he slept around and how he'd been used. The older boy always seemed so understanding, always just nice enough to make Taehyung's heart skip a beat or two. 

Seokjin probably never noticed the effect he had on Taehyung. 

Taehyung, who he'd convinced of so many things. Of little bits of self worth. Of his dreams being just as valid as anyone else's. Of his abilities. Of his potential. 

Three months into knowing Seokjin, and one after Seokjin had confessed, he starts to fall. It's almost ironic, he thinks, because he told the older continuously that liking people scared the out of him. Maybe it was because Seokjin had always tried to convince him of the good in others that he'd believed Seokjin was different. 

And really, Seokjin was. He'd drop  absolutely everything when Taehyung wanted to show him something. He'd make himself available to call or skype at the drop of a hat. Taehyung never questioned it; he never had a reason to. He thought- thinks- the world of Seokjin, holding him up to a higher tier without ever really informing him of it. 

Everything Seokjin did amazed Taehyung, made him want to be better to somehow, some way, amaze Seokjin the same way. It always killed him when Seokjin would shower him in praises, the urge to decline and disagree always rising like bile in the back of his throat. He never wanted to be vulnerable, never wanted to show Seokjin the ugly inside of a nature he could never really control. 

Seokjin accepted everything about Taehyung- for some reason or another- and the younger boy wondered if Seokjin ever noticed the scars painting his tanned skin a slightly pinker shade. He almost laughs whenever pale fingers brush over them, mirthless and nearly hysterical because out of all the demons he's shared, those were never ones he wanted Seokjin to know. Taehyung long since gained control over the urges to harm himself, over the need to constantly tear himself down, but if something deep inside of him hadn't come back to life and lurked while happiness deceptively filled his chest.

Seokjin sent him the cheesiest texts daily, a smiling selca and a promise of a good day, good night, good whatever, whenever. Taehyung grinned like an idiot regardless of the class every time. 

Despite his fears, two months after Seokjin admitted to liking him (it'd taken him weeks to admit that he liked the older boy as well), Taehyung finds the words 'I love you' burning his throat as they tumble out gracelessly. He insists that he's not saying he's in love with Seokjin, that he's just assuring the latter of his affections in the platonic aspect of their relationship, because his heart can't take a bigger confession. 

His heart still can't take it when the feeling wraps itself around his ribs and crushes his lungs, making it hard to breathe every time he hits the call button before their skype calls. Despite their interactions being limited to a phone screen nearly all the time, he's beyond content to know that whatever Seokjin's doing, he makes time for Taehyung. 

The second time he notices, he's sure he knows better because not everyone needs to be in a relationship, and it's probably not a big deal that Seokjin never really talked about dating other people despite the impossibility of dating Taehyung. For the first time in what feels like forever, Taehyung feels like he's enough for someone again. 

Seokjin chattered excitedly about a vacation he was going on- a trip to a city not too far from his hometown of Anyang (Taehyung remembers from when Seokjin had gone to visit his family)- and his excitement was enough to bring some to Taehyung as well. He mentioned going to meet a friend, someone by the name of Hyosang, he thinks, and when he told Jimin about it the boy questions why he's so excited but conceeded that it's cool anyways. 

Taehyung counted down the days without realizing he was doing it, anxious for the older to leave and increasingly more anxious for less time to talk, because his feelings were starting to suffocate him. Seokjin was none the wiser, and the younger boy couldn't have been more grateful. 

Because the third time he notices, he doesn't. It should be strike three but it isn't, because a small ring in a picture he never took the time to examine pixel by pixel isn't something he'd really payed attention to. Not until later, anyways.

His conversations grew shorter and shorter with Seokjin- understandably so, given that the older was out and about- and the sinking feeling in his stomach grew as well. Taehyung found himself being increasingly curt, internally cursing himself for it because he wasn't letting on just how thrilled he still was to be talking to the older boy. 

Seokjin sent him pictures of everything he did, prattling on about 'we' this and 'we' that. A nameless 'we' who Taehyung had never really payed attention to. Looking back, he isn't sure why.  Isn't sure what or who he thought 'we' was.  

When the last day of Seokjin's vacation rolled around, the older boy ws short with him and it sendt Taehyung's heart into his toes. He wasn't sure where his up was, but he was positive one was there. Seokjin assured him that it wasn't his fault, and Taehyung had tried his hardest to believe him. To look forward to the long call Seokjin had insisted on for later that night. 

He rushed through his dinner and skipped doing homework in favor of asking what kind of call Seokjin had in mind, and can't fathom why the his dinner hadn't made a reappearance at the message he received back. 

Taehyung wasn't sure why he ever let his guard down. He wasn't sure why he ever thought he'd be good enough to land someone as caring as Seokjin, because the words married and husband don't compute in his mind until the first hot sobs are already out and he doesn't understand. Taehyung didn't believe it but he did. The rational part of his brain knew it wasn't a joke, but the dreamer part had never wished for a nightmare more. Despite every instinct in his body, he replies again and again with words that wouldn't make sense when he read them again. 

He begged and pleaded with Seokjin to stay his friend, insisted that he'd forgive him, insisted that he didn't hate him. 

did Taehyung wish he could've hated him. 

Taehyung hadn't felt so ing degraded in years. Hadn't felt the need to burn his skin to cleanse it from every touch in Seokjin's name, to cut his tongue from his mouth for every traitorous word whispered and said. He felt- feels- like every filthy word in the dictionary, every word for every kind of and he hates himself for it. Taehyung doesn't have to know the guy's name to know he's more than Taehyung will ever be. Doesn't have to know the guy's name to want to fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness from a transgression he didn't know he'd commited because oh ing god he didn't want to be a homewrecker. 

The familiar sting of loneliness mixes in with the even more familiar feeling of being used and he's hyperventillating before he could even ing remember to breathe. He apologizes more times than he'd care to count, and as his shaking frame types out the words, he's not even sure who the apology is for, but he means it woth every ounce of his being.

Each of Seokjin's apologies are greeted with a grating laughter that he doesn't recognize as his own because Christ, I trusted you, and sorry doesn't make a . He begs for it to be a joke even as he's looking in the mirror at a reflection that doesn't look like his own. It's blotchy and red and tear-stained, lips curled into a grimace of laughter. His eyes are something like empty and he wishes he could at least see a spark of anger in them. 

When he breaks his hand on the mirror, he laughs again, clutching his hand and seven years of bad luck like a lifeline because in the end he's the stupid ing kid he always feared he would be, and he's never felt their more. Seokjin will forget him, and Taehyung will be just as broken as he was before, stitching himself together with cigarette smoke and meaningless s, wondering why meaning the world to someone never ing meant enough.

--

A/N: forever won't mean anything in the morning

i dont know what this is, aside from a vent fic. sorry yall.

may end up deleting it.