I N V I S I B L E : F I N A L

“You know that wasn’t funny!” I said half shouting. Chanyeol made me fall to his prank again and that made me so pissed, okay maybe beyond pissed. I somewhat can tolerate his silly jokes and pranks but this time is an exemption. I had enough and this prank was just too much, too much for me to tolerate anymore. He knows how much I hate and how I'm scared of insects yet he threw it on my way, right in front of my face. I froze on the spot as I saw a not-so-big-but-big-enough-spider crawling on my skirt all the way up and I can’t help myself from tearing up and just then I saw him laughing his stomach out in front of me. Isn't he so mean? I know we're friends but isn't that too much for a joke? “I’m sorry, you know how much I lo—“, “shut up, Park Chanyeol!” I exclaimed crying before walking past him. I am really pissed or maybe beyond pissed. He knows how scared I am when it comes to insects, especially spiders but then he took that as an advantage to scare the hell out of me. I just can’t understand him, we are friends but all he does is pisses me off and scares me. As soon as I step inside my apartment, I run all the way to my room and then threw myself in my bed. “Really stupid.” I managed to say before tearing up once again. I love Chanyeol, I really love him but all he does was scares me and make me cry. I don’t know why I can’t stop myself from loving him, it’s just that I did, and then I never stop. I love him but he didn’t feel the same way. Unfortunately, he loves someone else. He’s dead over heels to her. Despite of the fact that he is always pissing me off and makes me cry, and then let’s add that fact that he loves someone else, those didn’t stop me from continuing this growing feelings of mine for him. I know, I know. I am stupid but how can I not love him when he is also the reason why I smile?

“I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean it.” He said scooting next to my seat. I bit my lip making thin line and then try my best to act like I didn’t care and heard him at all. I need to pretend that I didn’t hear him, after all it was his fault, he also needs to learn some lessons. He knows me very well and that made me feel so sad. He knows my weaknesses but then he uses it against me. That’s so lame and mean! “Hey~ Notice me, yuhooo~!” He tried once again but this time he is also poking me by the arm, disturbing me. I turned to him and then beam him an angry glare before turning my head back to the board where the professor is discussing about the subject. He didn’t stops from bothering me and all I just did is ignore him, his existence, and his silly way of getting my attention. Inside of me, his effort made me smile but I can’t forgive him that easily. He always brings me trouble and somewhat he needs to learn his lesson. Not every day is I am here to tolerate his childish act, I can’t, and I also have my temper that can be full any time, and with him I know I will reach my edge any time soon. Moments later, I caught him staring at the window, I followed his gaze and then saw the girl of his dream walking elegantly. His mouth slowly curves a smile and his eyes start to light up. I felt a cringed inside my chest but I managed to ignore it, or at least bear it. This is the hardest thing in my life when it comes to love, seeing the one I love loving someone else. You don't have any idea how hurt I am. We are friends, just friends until I commit a sin, I fell in love with him. I don’t know how, when, or why, I just did and it’s so confusing. I rolled my eyes and just listen to our professor since it looks like he will start zoning out at any moment. I bit my lip so hard to stop myself from cursing or mumbling words that wasn’t needed. Couple of minutes later, I felt him snatched my hand which makes my heart pounds in an instant. I turned to him and then gave him a look, “What?” I asked quite irritated. “D-did you see that? I-I mean her!” He said smiling stupidly while looking at me with eyes full of hearts as if he’s in heaven. Oh Ghad, someone can just kill me now? I blinked and then I conclude that he wasn’t really looking at me but zoning out. It’s just a matter of coincident that he turns to me. “I don’t.” I answered bitterly and then yanked my hand back forcefully. That act didn’t make him fly back to reality so I hardly smacked him in the head. “Ms. Kim? What are you doing?” The professor exclaimed as he looks at me with burning eyes. Chanyeol who seemed to be back in earth now stares at me confusedly.  “Nothing. I’m sorry, seonsaengnim.” I answered then bow. The professor gave me one last look before continuing and I looked away. “Ya~ Why did you do that?” The boy who is sitting next to me mumbled. I ignore his questions and just tried my best to focus my attention to the lesson. Soon enough, he gave up from bothering me. Good.

“I’m sorry again.” He said as we both seated to the tree house that we both only know. This place is so special for the both of us because this is where we both met. This is located at the nearest forest but far enough from any danger. This is a perfect place for us to think. I went here an hour ago and after thirty minutes I heard his footsteps near my position. I turned to him and then he gave me his sheepish look and smile, raising the plastic bag he is holding, I can already smell the sweet scent of it. Cheese cake. He really does know how to tame me. “I know you were here.” He smiles cheekily and then I looked away, avoiding his gaze that is so intense and inviting. I wanted to run up to him and engulf him with a hug, but I can't. After I realize my feelings for him, I act somewhat awkward towards him, and guess what, he doesn't seem to notice it. Oh well, I am not surprised though, I know that his attention is on her. “Come on, forgive me already.” He said with a pout but I ignore him, at least I am trying my best. “I’ll give you this cheese cake that you really love if you forgive me.” No, don't budge. “Come on, I also bought your favorite orange juice. I also bought an ice cream, it's on my house.” I sighed and then turned to him. “I hate you! But I love what you brought!” I said snatching the bag from his hands. I catch how he smiles and that made me smile too. Oh boy, what should I do to you? I really love you now to the point that I can’t really stay mad at you, not even a single day.

Days, weeks, months had passed but things are still the same. Chanyeol is always watching her from a far, and me watching him doings those stuff. I don't get him really. I have told him for so many times that she will never notice him if he keeps on hiding. I have told him to give up and then find somebody else, but he refuse to. She don't even know him, yet he keeps on telling me that he will have her soon. I just want to open his eyes and show him reality. He is invisible in her eyes, just like my feelings for him, it will stay invisible unless spoken. It hurts so much that she made him smile a lot without even trying and here I am, making fun of myself yet he wasn't even giving me a single glance. I wanted to be her, but then I also don't want to. I want to be her so that he can love me, but then I want him to love me as I am. It's so confusing!

“Come on, Yeol!” I whined as I tried to pull him up, but it’s no good. He remained unmoved. We still have class to attend and yet here he is, staring lovingly to his all-time-crush Kim So Eun. We have been here for almost half an hour now and it looks like Chanyeol doesn’t have any intention of leaving the area, not even for a second. I took a deep sigh before trying again.

“Yeol, come on! We might be late! Get up!” He turns to me only to just send me a smile. What was that mean? This stupid little chick. I gave up and then stood up, ready to leave. I don’t want any more trouble for today. We both have been in detention last week because of the same reason again, he watches her practicing her dance skill. And please, she doesn't have the move, she's not good in dancing unlike me. No, I am not being boastful but that is the truth. She is not good in dancing but Chanyeol praises her like she is the best dancer in the world. He also told me that I am good in dancing but he never watch me practicing, maybe he did but that only twice! Speaking of detention, I don’t want to spend my time in there again, never again.  “I’ll leave first, Yeol!” I exclaimed but I received no response from him. Maybe, he doesn’t hear me at all. I rolled my eyes and then turn my back to him. I took one step away, two, and three. I sigh before turning around again, facing his back. “YA! PARK CHANYEOL! DO YOU REALLY PLAN STAYING HERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?” I shouted and that made him look at me, finally I have all his attention. He sighs and then watches her for the last time, I swear that last time took ten minutes, before getting up from his seat and then walks towards me. “You don’t have to shout, silly kid!” He said pouting while ruffling my hair messily. I slapped his hand away and then beam him a glare. Kid, that’s what I am to him. That’s what I am to him. I sigh and then started walking towards our class. We are thirty minutes late and I don’t think our professor will let us slide this time, possibility of that happening, 0.01 percent. Great, just great!

“This is your fault!” I said glaring at him. We have been sent to detention again, for three hours, isn't that great? I hate it! I really hate being sent to detention, its hell! Chanyeol gives me an apologetic smile while he scooted next to my seat. I turned to him and give him a don’t-you-dare-sit-next-to-me-look, just then, he raises both his hands up in the air and then took the seat which is one chair away from me. Well, at least there’s a gap. I bit my lip and then bury my face on the desk. I always include myself in trouble when I am with him, but the sad thing is I can’t leave him alone. As much as I wanted to leave him, my heart dictates me not to, so does my brain. It seems like he owns my heart and brain, and my only job is to keep it functioning for his own good. Moments later, we both heard that familiar girly voice, which actually made me tremble. I straight up and then turn to Chanyeol only to see his mouth slowly curving his famous big silly goofy smile, I quickly furrowed, hating the reason of his smile. His eyes follow her figure as the said girl walks in front of the detention room. I rolled my eyes, too tired of watching the same scene over and over again. At some point, I think that he sometimes or maybe always did this on purpose, this going to the detention room. I can’t blame myself from thinking that because the girl’s room was only adjacent to the detention room, maybe he’s doing this on purpose only to see the love of his life. His eyes will always light up whenever he saw her, it almost twinkle actually, his lips will curve that beautiful smile, and then his right hand that will slowly hammers his left chest unconsciously. Bet it, I am always hurting myself by just watching him do that stuff. Like, can I not be the reason behind those silly movements? He stares at her in awe, like the way I did to him. He likes her and I can’t even tell how much, all I just know that he surely likes her so much that he won’t even bother himself looking for other girls out there, to other girls like me who is just beside him. “You are an idiot.” I quickly covered my mouth after I hear myself saying those words. What’s gotten to me? That was meant only inside my head. I turned to Chanyeol who have his eyes wide open, so does mine. “What did you say?” He asked and I quickly shook my head. “Nothing.” I whispered but still loud enough for him to hear.

“I will ask her out!” He mumbled as he looks at her. My mind seems like it stops from thinking and I felt like my world stops from spinning. I turned to him only to see his burning eyes, his eyes, those motivated eyes. Can those just stare at me for once? Maybe you will know that this heart of mine only goes towards you. I felt how my heart starts to shatter. It felt like my heart was a snow that falls for thousandth time. I know Chanyeol loves her but I don’t think that he will ask her out soon since she’s in a relationship. “You know she won’t accept you.” I muttered silently but enough for him to hear. He smiles and then turns to me, “You know how persistent I am. I’m going to win her heart, just you watch!” He exclaimed proudly with his eyes shining beautifully. Chanyeol is a special person for me, I like, love him to the point that it hurts. It hurts so much.

“Tell me, do I look good?” He asked me as he smiles to me. It’s already been a year since that day he told me that he will asks her out and guess what, she agreed. She broke up with her boyfriend after Chanyeol’s confession. I can’t believe it. He appears in front of her only for once and he makes her agree in just one sentence. She doesn’t have any idea that Chanyeol was always there behind her, always watching her, he’s invisible to her until Chanyeol decided to show up and reveals himself. And here I am, only a shadow in a fading light, invisible. That day, I officially become an invisible figure just like my feelings for him. “You always look good, Yeol.” I answered honestly although my heart is breaking apart. I can’t let him feel so down, after all he deserves all the happiness. If I could, I would collect all the happiness and then give it to him. All the happiness in this world, I am willing to give it all to him. He’s my most precious man, and I can’t bear to see him sad. So, even though it hurts me I supported his decision. He wants to date her and I cheep him up, wishing him good luck. That day also, he smiles at me, the smile of being thankful.

I can no longer hide my feelings, so for good I avoided him. I can’t help myself from breaking down whenever I saw him with her, happy and all lovey-dovey. But, I am afraid. What if one day a boy will come and confess to her again, will she stays with him or broke up with him just like what she did to her ex? With that thought all over my head, I decided to stay behind him, watching him. I can’t bear to see him in a state where I am in now. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn't deserve to have a broken heart, so I am going to protect him with all I am. Even though this is heartbreaking, I know I can manage it, at least for him. I’m used to this ever since I decided to keep Chanyeol to my heart. I am always watching them from a far. I am always observing the scene and I am happy to see him smile and laugh. We barely talk but I can care less, as long as he is happy, I can manage all the pain.

Time passes by, they celebrated their 100^th days of being together, and that is also the time when my heart turns to its smallest pieces. He kissed her in the lips and I saw it with my own eyes. I don’t know what to feel but I choose to feel happy. It hurts but this is what I want. I want Chanyeol’s happiness.

“Are you okay? You seem so pale.” He said while touching my forehead. I pulled away from him, from his touch since I can’t take him close to me, not anymore. I don’t know how to keep my front if he’s doing this to me. After their 100^th days’ celebration, I told them that I needed to go. I can no longer handle the pain and I also know that they also need their privacy. I went home with my eyes streaming hot waters. For the first time, I let myself cry. Just for that day, I let out all the pain, silently screaming all the things I am hiding inside. For that one day, I let myself let out the pain I am holding for years and it felt so good. “I’m okay, don’t worry.” I said and then rolled to the other side of my bed. It’s been two days already ever since that day, but I can’t seem to move on. The kiss was flashing inside my head and I can’t help but feel so sad. Unconsciously, tears start to run down, I only notice it when Chanyeol mentions it. “Ya! Why are you crying?” He muttered and then jump on my bed, forcing me to sit up and look at him. He wipes my tears and then flicked my forehead. “What’s happening to you? Where does it hurt?” He asked while shaking me. My heart, it’s the one that is hurting. Oh how I wish I can tell that. I look into his eyes, those beautiful eyes of him. I see him worried and that made me smile a little. “And now you’re smiling, are you crazy?” He stated smiling. He pulled me towards him, making me lands to his chest. Slowly, I raised my hands up and wrap it around his torso. “It hurts!” I let out and cry. For once, let me cry in front of him. I promise to stay strong after this. He didn’t say any word but just hug me back. I felt his arms wrap around me while he pulls me closer. Today, I felt so much better. To be in his arm, it felt so right, yet so wrong. But most of all, it felt so safe. I am happy, for once I know I am happy.

Today, I have something that I want to do. Before it’s too late, I want to do it for at least once. I took my phone and then tap the green button besides Chanyeol’s name. Fortunately, he picks up after the second ring and I smile to myself. “Yeol, can I ask you a favor?” I muttered quite feeling shy to ask him. “Uhm, yea sure.” He answered that made me feel nervous. I raised my right hand and then slowly hammer my left chest. My heart is beating so fast and I am slowly losing my breath. “Are you free today? Can you… can I ask you out?” I heard him chuckles next in line that made me a little more nervous than before. I keep silent until he answers my question. “Yea, sure. A friendly date, is it?” I nodded and mentally slap myself. “Yea, before I go.” I stated. “Sure, I’ll pick you up at 2.” I smile and tell him okay before we hang up. Today, I won’t hold back. I will do everything I want to do with him, for the last time, I will spend my day with the love of my life.

I dress up neatly and then paint myself lightly with makeup. I walk towards the mirror and see the lanky me. Sometimes, I still managed to smile. In this world that full of darkness, he’s the only one that becomes my source of light. With him, I am willing to run without any fear in this world of darkness. With him, I know I am safe. For the last time, I will hold onto him. For the last time, I will depend on him. For the last time, I will make him my everything. And even if I get rebirth, I will still choose him.

“Let’s go there, please!” I said pouting my lips cutely, I know he couldn’t resist it when I am acting cute towards him. He sighed and then chuckles before nodding his head. I cheered and then pulled him towards the photo booth. “Get ready, giant!” I teased and then smile. I caught him smile too before retorting “You get ready, dwarf!” I stick my tongue out to him, just then when the first shot was captured. It’s kind of cute because I was looking at him with my teasing face and tongue out while he was looking at me furiously. We could make a cute couple, almost. The second one is we both doing the peace sign. Third, is me on his back making face and he laughing. The fourth one is he goes on my back and then force me to piggy back him, even though he didn’t give all his weight on me. The fifth one was we circled our arms to each other’s shoulder and then wear a big smile. “This is the last one!” He exclaimed and I nod. As soon as the countdown went to one, I tip toed and then kiss him on the cheek. I stuck my tongue out and then hurriedly left the booth, waiting for our photos to be printed. Soon enough, Chanyeol went out and then pays for the bill. “Would you mind if I display your pictures here in our booth? You are indeed a cute couple and I know customers will be please to avail our service if they see it here.” The ahjumma stated as he pointed their displays. There are also lots of pictures of couples. “Ah, we are—“, “Sure, ahjumma.” He cut me off and then smile before taking my hand and then pulls me to somewhere he only knows where. “You shouldn’t let them.” I mumbled under my breath, still flustered when he did not deny the ahjumma’s word of us being a couple. “That’s no big deal. Let’s go!”

We rode lots of ride and it’s already getting dark. I took his hand and then pull him to the last ride we are going to take this night, the Ferris wheel. “This is the last one.” I announced and he nodded. We waited patiently until our turn. We hop inside the cable and then closed the door before locking it. I look at him and smile. “Thank you for keeping me company today.” He smiles sweetly and then shrugs. “No problem.” The whole ride will take fifteen minutes before it ends and I decided to confess when we were on top of the ride. Soon enough, we are almost on top and fireworks start to invade the dark blue starry sky. He was looking outside, watching the fireworks display. I was about to start my confession until his phone cut me off. “Oh, it’s So Eun.” He announced. My heart starts to feel the hurt again but I decided to stay strong. “Please, don’t pick it up.” I pleaded. He turned to me with questioning look and then, “Huh? But she might have something to tell me.”, “I also want to say something important, please talk to her after this.” I said but he decided to answer it anyway. I looked away and just stared at the window, admiring the great view of Seoul. He talks to her at his phone and when it ended. “I’m sorry, but can we go now? She’s waiting for me at home.” I nodded and then we just wait for the ride to end before we went home. The whole ride was awkwardly silent and it’s starting to kill me.

“Park Chanyeol…” He turned to me before looking back to the road. “About what I am trying to say a while ago.” I started. “Yea, about that. What is it you want to say to me?” I was about to say something but then he already cut me off. “We’re here.” I looked through the window only to see that we are in front of my house. “About that—“, “Let’s talk about that tomorrow, I really have to go now.” He said with an apologetic look. I nodded and then get off the car before he drives away. My sight becomes blurry as tears start to flow down. Why can’t it be the two of us? Why can’t we be lovers? I don’t want to just be friends. I enter my dark house and just sit on the couch, just the same old tired and lonely place. It’s been lonely without him and lonelier with him slowly parting away from my grip. I stood up and start making my pace back and forth, across the room, wishing you were at my door, but who am I kidding? I stared at my suitcase that is lying on the floor; I don’t have enough time for tomorrow. Maybe, my feelings will just remain unspoken. I am just so stupid, thinking that one day will come that you will finally notice my heart. Maybe, I will spend my life forever waiting for you to love me back, forever.

For once, memories we shared flash inside my head. There I was again, faking smile. My tears run down, can we be just like others? This question lingers inside my head, can you really not love me at all? I love you, Chanyeol. I love you more than anyone could do. More than you can ever imagine. I started to love you ever since you protect me from all the girls that bullied me. You are always there to comfort me when my parents died. You are always there when I feel so down. You are always there for me. You made my heart pounds rapidly without even knowing. You made me feel so safe, you are the only one. I need you in my life, you are the other half of me. With you, I am willing to face this cruel world. With you, I am willing to take any risk. I am willing to give you your happiness, that’s how much I love you. These are the words I held back but I am leaving now. I don’t’ have enough time to tell you what I really feel.  I hope, you will be happy forever, because your happiness is also my own happiness. Goodbye, Park Chanyeol. I will always love you, forever and always.

 I know this is a very late update, I am just so busy these past few days. I hope this will make up everything. Thank you for reading! ^^