The screaming from the fans. Their song playing loud and clear with Yoseob and Dongwoon trying to choke back their tears and sing along with those happy smiles on their faces. Kikwang sobbing beside him. Doojoon going around to hug and wipe their dongseangs’ tears away before saying his sincere thank you to their fans. Junhyung sitting on the floor, his face in his hands. Yoseob proudly holding the award over his head in his hand. 

 

Hyunseung turned his face away from all this, feeling like the whole world is closing up on his body and he gripped hard the mic in his hand. How he wished he could flee from this scene. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“YANG YOSEOB, DO NOT THROW THE AWARD AT DONGWOON.” 

 

Three pairs of doleful eyes turned towards him. Oh gosh, he knew that look and what it entails. Sure enough, three seconds later brought cries of “BUT WE’RE JUST HAVING FUN!” and “OH COME ON! IT’S NOT LIKE THE AWARD WILL BREAK!” and “HYUNGGGGGGGG~~~~” 

 

He closed his eyes and counted to ten slowly. No ageyo allowed in the house, especially from Lee Kikwang, Yang Yoseob and Son DongWoon. Yes, he needs to pester Doojoon to make this rule later. 

 

“NO. Hand that damn award over and go do your chores. Our first mutizen win doesn’t mean we can stop doing them. And Sohn Dongwoon, please explain to me why the vacuum cleaner was lying in pieces in the morning.” 

 

“Erm…” Dongwoon flashed a sheepish grin to the one questioning him. “I…kinda…erm…”

 

Kikwang spoke up with an innocent twinkle in his eyes. “We were playing hockey with the household appliances and Dongwoonie swung the vacuum cleaner too hard! What a pity, it was one of the best thing to use as the stick-”

 

Never in his whole life has he felt as murderous as the present moment. 

 

“Junhyungie, I can’t do my chore! So can I go and play some game on the Wii?” Yoseob gleefully asked as he padded across the living room. 

 

He rubbed his throbbing temple and asked in a low voice. “And why can’t you do your chore?” 

 

“Hyunseung locked himself in the laundry room and he refused to come out. In fact he has been there ever since we came back. … So can I go and play now?!” 

 

Before he can utter a reply to the blond, the starting music of the Wii game played loudly from the television as Kikwang and Dongwoon argued over who gets to be Mario and Doojoon shutting them up with “I’m the leader so I get to choose FIRST”. Welcome to the house of chaos, a place where nobody is sane and nothing remains intact under the destructive forces of Beast, he muttered to himself as he heads towards the kitchen to wash the pile of dishes that had been left there for the last five days. He doesn’t forget though, the nagging worry of Hyunseung locking himself in again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Huddled in a corner of the room, Hyunseung squeezed his eyes shut against the darkness and covered his ears, desperate to protect himself from the onslaught of voices swimming around him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How long has it been since the night he heard those words and left with tears streaming down his cheeks, the bitter taste of rejection so pungent in his mouth that it seems to choke all life from him? Four years? 48 months? 2000 days? 60 000 hours?

 

 

He doesn’t know. And he thinks that maybe he will never know.

 

 

 

 

 

He flopped himself onto the bed, feeling refreshed and comfortable after his shower. Dish-washing is a back-breaking business, he learned as he tried to massage the tight knots in his shoulders and the areas of his back that his hands could reach. He turned towards Hyunseung’s bed and felt alarmed when he realized that the bed was empty. 

 

He knows from experience that when Hyunseung is in the mood, no one can ever drag him out of it, not even his family or the manager. He slowly got up from his bed and padded towards Hyunseung’s bed, as if hoping that by walking towards it, the other will instinctively appear on the bed, sleeping and happy. Well of course, no such thing happened and he sighed as he picked up a certain object off the bed and walked out the room. 

 

After all, he’s the only one who knows exactly what the other is struggling with. What the other is trapped in. 

 

 

 

 

 

When Hyunseung is with the other members, he smiles and fools around with them. Laughing at whatever random phrases Kikwang spews out. But deep down, he knows that he is barely breathing and living. 

 

A lingering mess, unable to sort out the start and the end.

 

He laughs hollowly and wonders why he is the only one unable to move on when the other members, rejected like him are able to smile happily and genuinely. How the hell do you forget, he wants to shout and ask them. Ask them why he is the only one stuck in this nightmare.

 

 

 

The door opens. “Hyunseung?” 

 

He laughs mockingly to himself. Of course, he can never lock himself in a room for too long before the umma of the group comes looking for him. And freaking umma has the freaking set of keys to every room in the house. Of course. 

 

He doesn’t say anything when the other enters the room and sits gingerly next to him on the floor.

 

The awkward silence was broken by a “…Hi.” uttered by the other boy. He rolled his eyes, not caring to reply and wrapped his arms around his legs. 

 

“Erm…so…the weather-?” 

 

“Look Junhyung, if you’re here to talk about the weather or the food or the clothes, I’m not in the mood okay.” He saw the other shrunk back slightly with his bluntness and he softened his voice as he continued. “Just go to sleep, we all had a long day today.” 

 

“Seung-ah…aren’t you happy today? We won, you know. … Our very first win ever since we debuted.” Junhyung said softly. 

 

“…of course I’m happy.” Hyunseung plastered a smile onto his face. 

 

“You’re lying.” Junhyung retorted back, not holding back his anger and indignance. “Will you freaking stop lying to yourself and us?” 

 

“Excuse me?” He certainly did not want this; he didn’t ask for Junhyung to intrude and accuse him of things he didn’t do. He stood up angrily. “I’m not having this conversation with you. Goodnight.” 

 

Junhyung stood up and grabbed his shoulders, holding him tight on the spot. “You’re still hung up about that rejection that happened what four, five years ago? When are you going to move on?! You can’t just stay there, wallowing in your depression! Will you just freaking wake up from all this?!” 

 

Breathing hard, he felt as if he had been slapped. Or punched. Was there actually a difference? All he knows is that a searing and throbbing pain enveloped his whole being and he felt unable to breathe or think. He wanted to scream away all that was inside of him but his lips remained shut tight and his hands remained at his sides, balled up. There were so many things he wanted to say but couldn’t.

 

 

The desperate plea of help remained trapped inside him, inside the darkness that was suffocating and breaking him, piece by piece. 

 

 

“Seung-ah…let it go.” Junhyung said gently and he pressed a folded note into the palm of the silent trembling man in front of him. 

 

Wiping his tears away, HyunSeung slowly opened up the note and he choked back a sob as he recognized the words on the paper. 

 

 

“What you wrote on the paper, it’s not true. Seung-ah, it’s not true at all. Please don’t believe in it.” Junhyung pleaded, his voice cracking and tears at the brim of his eyes.

 

Nodding and sobbing, he slowly tore the paper up into halves and then smaller halves. Tearing until the pieces became smaller and smaller, the memory of himself scribbling “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH” in his journal in furious rage the moment he left that fateful night so many years ago rece again to him. Now pieces of the paper remained on the floor, the message never to be seen again.

 

 

Hyunseung sank onto the ground and released the tears of emotions he had kept hidden inside of him for so long with Junhyung holding him close. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A few days later, as Hyunseung took out his journal to record some things he has to take note of in future performances, a sheet of paper slipped out from the book onto his lap. Taking a closer look, he immediately recognized Junhyung’s handwriting. 

 

 

He looked up with tears in his eyes at Junhyung who just gave him a thumb up and a wink with his gorgeous adorable smile. He laughed and did a heart shape with his hands causing the other to blush slightly. 

 

“SEE SEE SEE, I TOLD YOU JUNHYUNG AND HYUNSEUNG ARE DATING! YAH… YANG YOSEOB, YOU OWE ME 20,000 WON NOW.”

 

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Wrote this really early into the fandom when they won their first ever award for Shock (omg what a beautiful memory ;-;) Thank you to the people who subscribed to this already!