JESSICA’S POV

 

 

I’m here all alone in my shared apartment with Krystal watching re run of TTS reality show. I was staring at her baby face. It was already 5 weeks since I was not part of the group. After informing me by the management, I stay strong and think positive that in will not be the end of me. Even my world crush down because SNSD was my life I didn’t lose hope, I told myself that it was okay. That everything was alright, that in was just one part of my daily life that it shouldn’t affect me but I know that it will because half of my life was being part of that group.

 

 

Yoona my favorite dongsaeng explain it to me that it was by the management decision and the 8 of them doesn’t have a choice but to agree because they can’t risk the group, they can’t take to disband the group if they stick to my side.

 

 

 

I accept that fact because I also can’t bear for them to suffer just because of me, so I forgive them. They comfort me by calling every now and then saying sorry and that they miss me except for one, the person I know that wouldn’t really reach for me.

 

 

While I was watching her playing and being happy with my best friend I suddenly remember Krystal song on her drama, “ALL OF A SUDDEN” that song made an impact on me because it tells all I felt between me and Taeyeon.

 

 

 

 

I remember when we are together 9. When I was joking or any member was teasing me, you wouldn’t laugh,you’re just quiet  because it was related to me, but when it was about others, everyone will hear your ajhuma laugh. And also if it was when we are alone or sitting to each other. You would look anywhere but not in me, you are dork leader and a member to every member even in anyone outside the group but not to me.

 

 

 

Geudae sorinae hanbeon utjil annneyo

You haven’t laughed out loud yet
Geureoke eosaekhan saiingayo

Are we that awkward with each other?
Uri manheun geoseul hamkke haenneunde

We did so many things together
Nungil hanbeondo songil hanbeondo

But you haven’t given me a single look or touch

 

 

 

You are the leader of famous girl group SNSD, so everyone is waiting and watching you’re every move, you are open when it comes to anyone except me again, when it comes to me, you are a close person. Your back is the one always facing me; I was used to it already seeing your back at me. We are close before but because I fell for you, you hate me that much.

 

 

 

 

Is it my fault that I fall for you? I didn’t ask for you to catch me because I know you wouldn’t, you catch someone already and it was my best friend Tiff.

 

 

 

Sesang moduga geudael boayo

The whole world is looking at you

Hajiman neul geureoteut geudaen eodupjyo
but just like always, you’re so dark

Naneun han saramman gaseume damaseo
I only have one person in my heart
Geudae dwitmoseumman tto bonaeyo
So I’m only looking at your turned back again
Nan neul geureoke meongi deureoyo

I’m always being bruised like this

 

 

 

After three years of hurting and doing everything just for you to treat me again as equal as before, I get tired, so I accept the fact that you will never see me again as a friend but just a coworker that you work with every day.

 

 

 

But it doesn’t mean I not going to miss you, that I’m not going to cry because of you. Because even I accept the fact that I was nothing to you, my heart will always love you.

 

 

 

Ulkeok niga bogo sipeun geureonnal

All of a sudden, on days I miss you
Ulkeok nae mami nae mamdaero an doen nal

All of a sudden, when I can’t do as my heart wants
Ulkeok ssodajineun naui nunmuri

All of a sudden, tears fall down

Haru jongil geudaereul butdeulgo
All day, I hold onto you

 

 

 

 

I won’t cry in front of you or anyone, I will just cry alone and smile in front of  everyone. Even the scar won’t heal I’m happy and contented to see your back.

Naneun sori nae ulji anhayo

I won’t cry out loud
Hajiman neul geureoteut useul sun itjyo

But I can smile like I’ve always been doing
Naege nameun geon sangcheo ppunirado

Even if all I have are scars
Geudae dwitmoseube nan useoyo

I can smile by seeing your turned back

Nan neul geureoke ulgoman itjyo

I’m always crying like this

Ulkeok niga bogo sipeun geureon nal

All of a sudden, on days I miss you
Ulkeok nae mami nae mamdaero an doen nal

All of a sudden, when I can’t do as my heart wants
Ulkeok ssodajineun naui nunmuri

All of a sudden, tears fall down
Haru jongil geudaereul butdeulgo

All day, I hold onto you

Ulkeok ssodajineun nunmul sogeseo

All of a sudden, with my falling tears

 

I just going to comfort myself and say that everything is going to be okay even in myself I know that it will not. Because I know you won’t come, so I’m just going to heal myself alone.

 

 

Ulkeok gwaenchanha dadogyeoboado

All of a sudden, I comfort myself, saying it’s okay

Ijen oji anheul geudaeraneungeol

I know that you won’t come now
Naega araseo da araseo

So I’ll deal with it on my own

 

I didn’t realize I was crying again, it was her back that I last remember when I see her. I was in the dorm of them to get my stuff and every one of them are present that day, they hug me all except again for one, when I walk out the door and glance once more to see if she was looking at me even once but as always my heart broke because still your back was facing me.

 

 

 

 

Annyeong

Goodbye

 

 

 

 

Yes that was the only thing I need to say to her.