i just want you, not the galaxy

by Hiirah

SCORE:  62/100

GENRES: real life | slight angst

RATED: N/A

STORY LINK: HERE

DESCRIPTION:

I looked in the papers and you were all I saw.
I browsed the internet and you're all the media was talking about.
I found your name in my contacts but you never answered.
Won't you tell me what's wrong?

STORY TITLE [3/5]

A suitable title for the story as it expresses Tao's desire for Kris, not as a star or member of exo, but as a human being. However, this theme of Kris as a galaxy should be further extended for readers to comprehend. I don't think very many people will get the connection as the concept is quite vague in the oneshot.

However, what detracts from it is the use of lowercase which is not only an eyesore, but also detracts readers from your stories as it implies that it might not be well written. The title is the first impression readers hold and draws them in even more so than a blurb. Otherwise, it's unique and effective in relation to the story itself.

FOREWORD / DESCRIPTION [5/5]

This is a well executed intro which captured the audience's interest in a few short, succint sentences. It's better to write a small piece, hinting at the plot than to expose too much and leaving the readers feeling cheated.

Your foreword captured the essence of Tao's 'waiting' and confusion in Kris' depature very well and though one of the sentences were incorrectly conjoined (I will discuss that below), I am not reviewing grammar in this section so it doesn't count.

You also used your foreword and description for their correct purposes. Well done.

PLOT [8/15]

This plot is quite common as it touches on an issue which is prevalent in the EXO fandom and has caused a lot of scandal and turmoil. However, it's understandable that this would be explored by many people through the medium of fanfiction and especially through one or two shots (as there isn't enough information given about the actual issue to support a chaptered story). The use of Tao is, however, very overdone. If you had wanted to express Taoris in a unique fashion, you could have expressed his degradation through the point of view of another member (but to each their own so...).

The plot was more of an emotional exploration rather than a complex piece so I wasn't expective very much in terms of plot development. All in all, it was very predictable and unremarkable. Were you to delve further into their backgrounds and interactions as well as on to their eventual meeting (or Tao's realisation that there will never be another meeting), this could have been a very good story. However, it was simple enough for readers to comprehend, so the minimalistic plot was effective in that sense.

WRITING STYLE [8/15]

Your writing style is quite interesting. It's use of a first person narration creates a solely monologue-centric story which is a nice touch. However, it lacks any form of personal emotive evocation other than the simple and lackluster "... he hurts..." and "... it aches...". Tao acts as a bystander or observer of the happenings around him with small insertions of emotion which have little to no effect.

This renders the first person narration rather useless and it would have been more effective in a third person or even second person narration as Tao speaking to Kris. This would have utilised the 'observational' tone a lot more and would have provided a didactic voice.

However, your buildup of mood is good and your emotional approach is something I enjoyed immensely. I will elaborate on this below.

Your range of vernacular is quite limited and you could improve it with better or differently worded phrases. For example, in "... the scars that's too wide open...", not only is the grammar incorrect, but you could also improve it by simply phrasing it as "... wide open scars...". "...like he's been stampede with thousand of knives..." is an example of a simile which should really be removed. Knives cannot stampede (use 'stampeded by buffaloes' or 'stabbed by knives') and therefore, this is a poorly chosen phrase. You should also use more description in your story such as "... like a knife had pierced his skin; twisting and gouging it out with relish...". See the difference? The pain is better expressed, not to mention the almost sadistic element associated with Kris' departure and his abandonment of Tao.

WRITING LAYOUT [6/10]

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