These tears I cry will let a river overflow its banks. Not even the great oceans could contain the product of my sadness. I find comfort in the dead silence of the night where my brooding is amplified. It is then that I’m tormented by myself and thoughts I’ll never utter. Sometimes they are overwhelmingly self-deprecating and sometimes they are barley there and that scares me the most. I wonder in those moments if I have actually willed myself to be dead but I’m already dead as it is. My eyes are immune to the beauty of a sunny day and my skin impermeable to the drops of rains and the sun’s rays. I can’t bring to myself to smile and feel the crinkle in my eyes. My lips refuse to curve that far upwards. I try anyway but it’s all forceful and hurts after a while. The hurt is a faint reminder that I am living though not alive. It’s worrisome to keep abreast with the difference. I am weary.

That’s where it ends and Taemin runs his fingers over the immaculately written words. Jinki has a very poetic way of expressing himself and his pieces are always read aloud in classes but Taemin can’t help but think that the words running across the page are much more than a creative piece.

“Taemin!” Jinki calls from downstairs, frightening an emotional Taemin. He scurries to replace the strip of paper he found and rids himself any evidence that may give away any idea of invading Jinki’s privacy. It’s not like he was purposely searching for the other’s journal. The paper happened to fall from where it was neatly tucked between the pages of a biology text book.

“Hey.” Jinki says softly when he sees Taemin on his bed. “Ready to go?” Taemin nods and follows him out.

The movie is surprisingly quite interesting and he forgets about what he saw in Jinki’s room. He doesn’t need to internalize it so much. Jinki is known around campus as a writer so it can be a new story of some sort that he’s working on.

Months and months go by without Taemin ever bringing it up and so he forgets about it until a couple years later when they both sit around the dining table sorting bills and the topic of marriage comes up. They are living together for three years so it isn’t a surprise for such matters to come up in a conversation.

“Ah! Another wedding?” Jinki asks , his voice laced with annoyance. “My paycheck will end in wedding gifts.”

Taemin tears an envelope and begins sorting its contents.

“Maybe one day they could be the ones buying the gifts for us.” He tries naturally instead of bluntly suggesting that they marry. He loves Jinki. Jinki loves him. It doesn’t have to be difficult.

“Haha I wish.” Jinki replies, making it clear he doesn’t get the hint thrown his way or he simply ignores it. This encourages Taemin to press further.

“Why don’t we get married? It doesn’t have to be anything fancy and I don’t mind going to a courthouse.”

Jinki stills his movement and acquires a very distant look.

“K-Kibum !” Jinki opens the door to see Kibum getting ready.

“Jinki!” Kibum screams because Jinki is standing before him and not waiting at the altar and Jinki is seeing him before the wedding and oh my gosh he’s already cursed and he’s not even married yet. “Jinki you’re not supposed to see me until I walk down the aisle.” Kibum cries, his voice breaking because this is supposed to be the best day of his life and it has just turned for the worst.

Jinki stands still looking at a distraught Kibum with remorseful eyes. After Kibum sniffles die down and he musters the courage to look Jinki in the eyes, the latter opts to speak.

“Kibum. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

“What are you talking about?”

Jinki shifts anxiously from side to side only making Kibum more tense.

“I can’t marry you. I can’t.”

Kibum can’t believe his ears.

“What?”

“I can’t ma-”

“Yes I got that!” He screams. “Why are just telling me this you bastard?” Kibum is hysterical and soon start throwing things at Jinki which garners the attention of workers nearby who rush to the rescue.

“You bastard!” The tears flood his face, smearing his makeup making him look pitiful. “You never loved me! I hate you. I ing hate you!”

Taemin panics a little on the inside but realizes when he sees that Jinki has returned to reality.

“Jinki-”

Jinki drops his gaze to his fingers.

Taemin then realizes that he may have brought up a sensitive topic and feels a tad guilty.

“Jinki..”

“I’m going to bed.” He interjects and leaves the table and a confused Taemin. Taemin isn’t prepared for that reaction.

“It’s not fair.” Jinki says to himself. “It wouldn’t be fair to him.” Jinki thinks when he lies away in bed. He can’t forgive himself for what he did even though Kibum married exactly a year later to his best friend. He can’t.

The following week When Taemin is cleaning their room he stumbles upon the same strip of paper he saw when they were both doing their bachelors at University. It’s torn and tattered probably from being handled so much. His eyes run over the words again and as he examinees he turns it over and sees

“KiJinki 2010.”

He ignorant to the name and year but they mean everything to Jinki.